I don’t trust my partner

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

As expected I am here. “Here” means my house is sold, with closing date being early September and my unpdh’s unreasonable expectations for purchase are making cracks at facade. He assured me that he had money to give down with the offer as well as to pay off any outstanding debt. Apparently not so fast. Everything happened in a span of several weeks, I had signed the house sale as well as went to multiple properties with intention to buy. His manic thinking “let them get desperate” isn’t proving to be real at all. So far we weren’t able to find anything to his standards, aka big lot and expansive finishes for a “steal price”. He doesn’t tend to compromise and I feel like a fool again. He is also pushing my buttons “homeless, you and the kids are homeless, I’m ok to live wherever”. All the while knowing my painful history. I’m completely shuttered in a victim mode. Today he told me that he doesn’t have the money for pay off and the offer for the next 6! Weeks. Which means that any property he would agree to, and the ppl who don’t want to close within 60 days we are actually homeless. I’m broken. I am shuttered. I was expecting this, yet I am beyond devastated at him screwing me over like this.   

[snowglobe]

As expected I am here. “Here” means my house is sold, with closing date being early September and my unpdh’s unreasonable expectations for purchase are making cracks at facade. He assured me that he had money to give down with the offer as well as to pay off any outstanding debt. Apparently not so fast. Everything happened in a span of several weeks, I had signed the house sale as well as went to multiple properties with intention to buy. His manic thinking “let them get desperate” isn’t proving to be real at all. So far we weren’t able to find anything to his standards, aka big lot and expansive finishes for a “steal price”. He doesn’t tend to compromise and I feel like a fool again. He is also pushing my buttons “homeless, you and the kids are homeless, I’m ok to live wherever”. All the while knowing my painful history. I’m completely shuttered in a victim mode. Today he told me that he doesn’t have the money for pay off and the offer for the next 6! Weeks. Which means that any property he would agree to, and the ppl who don’t want to close within 60 days we are actually homeless. I’m broken. I am shuttered. I was expecting this, yet I am beyond devastated at him screwing me over like this.   

[AskingWhy]

SG, this appears to be the NPD side of BPD.

pwBPD, at various turns, exhibit symptoms of the other PDs.

Practice self care now and put yourself as a priority.   

[snowglobe]

I passed out early last night, on short acting anti anxiety medication because I was crying so hard and tried to reason with uBPDh. At the end he was calling me swear names, insulting me and demanding I write the numbers and the amounts I needed per month for me to get the f out of his life?. On the wall with the pain that can’t be washed.  Can you believe this? I made every single dead line he was putting for me, I have listed, prepared and sold the house in timely matter. All to get a “carrot” for him to buy another property right away, as it was supposed to be easy, since the market is dead and people are desperate. He also promised to liquidate his crypto assets to give money down for down payment. Now he says it’s not a good time, meanwhile he sold my home. He is going no contact with me, since I’m so smart and capable and putting him in a position?. I’m so hurt I want to hurt him. I want to hurt him so bad that he would snap out of this and do as he promised. I am also devastatingly aware that this is likely his plan all along. He enjoys this state of total control and is likely to push the matters further. He said I was punished and he won’t speak to me for a month and won’t view properties. This means that 60 days before the closing I won’t have a property and neither will my children. I want to claw at him, I am so desperate. To all those who might read my post, don’t ever, for a minute believe that BPDs are capable of honesty and integrity. They   Will scam you at any moment.

[snowglobe]

Can someone explain to me this “write your demand on a wall with a posing or a marker that can’t be washed off? How much you need per month and how much you need for down payment”. I smell a trap. First, it’s ridiculous not to be able to discuss something he promised and assured me of, such as down payment and the timing of the purchase. Second, to paint something on a wall in order for him to answer? What is that? If I do write on the wall as he is demanding, this will likely prove that I’m money grabbing b$tch and we are different people and need to divorce. Any way I swing it, I’m loosing. If I stay calm and don’t speak of the house, I’m running out of time and we are without security. If I do speak, he is making outrageous statements and gaslights me. He implied that I can go and buy alone, with my half (which is only coming to effect end of September) so I can get out of his life. His family means nothing to him. It’s all about the greed. 

[snowglobe]

We had a verbal agreement that as soon as our house would be sold we would start low ball biddings in order to get our dram home for the fraction of the price. On our vacation he bought me lavish gifts in the amount of the small down payment. Now, he claims he doesn’t have the means to pay it off within 6 weeks. He is telling me to go and shove my insecurities up my arse and that he doesn’t care about my feelings or a primal need to feel safe. In truth, I never feel safe with him. He always keeps me off of my balance and I run in many directions trying to fix the problem. What is my problem at hand? My uBPDh convinced me to sell the home and now delaying buying another property. In addition he says he punished me for a month and won’t speak to me. Which means he won’t be viewing the houses and doing anything in that direction. I know I could not live in a daily rage “I want to upgrade our home and you are being unreasonable” tantrums. He got what he wanted, I sold. The future is extremely uncertain. I’m crumbling under pressure of responsibility for the children like a cookie. I don’t know which way is up. Do I sit around and wait for him to feel enough “control and domination” of me so he might move towards buying us a home. Or do I start looking for a separate property? I really need help

[Notwendy]

Snowglobe-

When you are so attached to someone with disordered thinking, it is easy to slip into sharing their world view. However, disordered thinking isn't something we can explain in our own rational thinking scheme. It doesn't make sense. It is irrational.

Drawing/writing in marker on a wall isn't explainable. It's crazy. Rational people do not discuss issues in marker on a wall.

What your husband is doing right now isn't a rational thing for a husband and parent to do. It's disordered. It also might not be legal. While you feel out of control right now, I think the best thing to do is to consult a lawyer to see what rights if any, you have to what remains ( if any) of your joint assets.

You and the kids need a roof over your heads. Consulting a lawyer will help you know what you have to achieve this. It doesn't matter what you write on a wall or ask him for. You need facts. Don't look to an irrational disregulated person ( your H) for security or facts. Ask a lawyer.

[Notwendy]

Dr. Phil came up with a great statement to a dysfunctional family:

"you are all lost in the woods and are looking at a disordered person to lead you out".

And Maya Angelou: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

You have done the " allow H to control and dominate " till he gives you what you want. How has this been working for you?

Your H is behaving like a disordered and irrational person. He is disordered and irrational and not making reasonable decisions. You can't control this. If you want anything different, you need to take steps to take some control of your situation, not keep putting it in his hands and hoping he will become rational.

[sweetheart]

What Notwendy has said sums up the path that has lead you to where things are now.

Every response to your threads about selling your home expressed concern about believing that your h would do as you wanted him to, or indeed as he was saying.

Consulting a lawyer now is where you need to focus your energy.
Trying to puzzle out anything your husband has done or is continuing to do just drags you into his crazy disordered world.

Focus on yourself and your children not your husband.
What is possible for you right now regarding finding somewhere to live?

[formflier]

I'm so sorry this is happening.  I also want to encourage you to realize..really realize...you expected and prepared for this.

Stick to the plan

I passed out early last night, on short acting anti anxiety medication because I was crying so hard and tried to reason with uBPDh.

I need to be frank with you.  This wasn't part of the plan.  

What you did "fed the monster".  

At the end he was calling me swear names, insulting me and demanding I write the numbers and the amounts I needed per month for me to get the f out of his life?.

I have to wonder if you had avoided begging and reasoning, if it would have come to this.

What would happen if you took him up on this?

What would happen in your life if YOU decided to no longer have conversations like this with him?  That's in your power...right?

Best,

FF

 

[formflier]

This means that 60 days before the closing I won’t have a property and neither will my children. 

Listen ...I'm "in the business".  It's rare that people have this sorted out 60 days prior to closing. 

Rare.  I promise you.

Follow the plan.  If he does his thing...there will be money at closing for you and your children to NOT BE HOMELESS

Please don't buy into HIS distorted thinking and threats!

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Guys, thank you so much for being here. I’m one step below walking in front of the bus. If it wasn’t for the kids I don’t know what I would do. The saga continued, I tried to wake him up with massage and get him into viewings of the house as we were scheduled. He protested intuitively but then caved in into massage. When he fully woke up he started saying that he ain’t going to viewings and he doesn’t want to buy anymore. Implicitly sighting that he is giving me the money, go, buy your house, write me the numbers on the wall how much you want per month. I broke down, I cancelled the appointment for viewing as I was begging him to put the last night behind us and go see the houses with me. He said he is no longer interested, and if I wanted to, un-sell the current home which he knows isn’t possible. After pleading and begging, having him laugh in my face as I was squirming in pain I walked out. I first drive to synagogue then church for solace. Both were closed. His partner called me, hearing my voice started trying to calm me down. My mom got my dad to come home from work when he saw uBPDh grabbing my face and laughing at it, while I was saying “why are we in this place again?” 

[babyducks]

Seems like you are trying to get what you want by managing him, understanding him, fixing him, manipulating him,  coaxing him.

How about you getting what you want by, going and getting what you want.

Go view houses.    Go talk to lawyers.    By yourself.    

It will work better.

Stop pleading and begging.

[formflier]

, I tried to wake him up with massage and get him into viewings of the house as we were scheduled. 

This was part of your old plan.  How did that turn out?

We've talked for a while about a new plan..new options.  Why not stick with that?

Seriously...how did things turn out when you when back to your old ways of dealing with your hubby?

This is hard stuff.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

Snowglobe- please stop with the massaging and coaxing. It has only gotten you some temporary relief in the past, at best, not the security you wish for. I don't know if your H is capable of giving you that, but you are. IMHO, you are capable of getting through this, but you will need to take steps to finding out just what you have in terms of finances in this marriage. You need to see a lawyer ASAP.

I'm not in the business like FF is, but I have lived in rentals, in houses I have owned. In nice places and modest places. Your family has had some ideas that only the top of the top is acceptable. I know that isn't true. You have to believe it is possible to be happy in a modest apartment, so long as there is food on the table and the necessities you need. A modest car gets you where you need to go as well as a luxury model. You have lived in poverty before, but there's a big space between poverty and top of the line.

I can't diagnose your H but he sounds manic and out of touch with reality. Asking you to write on the wall is a crazy idea. No sensible adult would suggest this. I know you are overcome with fear right now but the solution is to take steps to get an idea of reality- talk to the lawyer, not your H about money for housing, what you can afford and look for places in your price range to rent or buy if possible.

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe- please stop with the massaging and coaxing. It has only gotten you some temporary relief in the past, at best, not the security you wish for. I don't know if your H is capable of giving you that, but you are. IMHO, you are capable of getting through this, but you will need to take steps to finding out just what you have in terms of finances in this marriage. You need to see a lawyer ASAP.

I'm not in the business like FF is, but I have lived in rentals, in houses I have owned. In nice places and modest places. Your family has had some ideas that only the top of the top is acceptable. I know that isn't true. You have to believe it is possible to be happy in a modest apartment, so long as there is food on the table and the necessities you need. A modest car gets you where you need to go as well as a luxury model. You have lived in poverty before, but there's a big space between poverty and top of the line.

I can't diagnose your H but he sounds manic and out of touch with reality. Asking you to write on the wall is a crazy idea. No sensible adult would suggest this. I know you are overcome with fear right now but the solution is to take steps to get an idea of reality- talk to the lawyer, not your H about money for housing, what you can afford and look for places in your price range to rent or buy if possible.

Thank you Wendy,
He is defiantly manic at the moment. I knows he screwed up the plan and is now detaching from situation. I had a second wave of anger so I marched into his office. He is the owner so me showing up isn’t gonna cause an issue.he  Refused to even look at me, let alone speak. When he did look at me, his eyes were completely dead and empty. He said that he is feeling empty and refuses to speak. Then I touched the top of his arm and he jolted as if I burned him. “No physical abuse”, what?.  Gently tapping top of his arm to get attention doesn’t compare to him grabbing my face and shaking me

[Notwendy]

Snowglobe-

This is said with caring and concern. You are completely focused on your H, what he says, what he does, what he eats, what he did and what he's doing. This is not helping you or him.

Please take the focus off him and on to what you need to do. So he says crazy things. He's disordered. You have to detach your fate from his hands and take some of it on to yourself. ( note this is not saying leave- it is saying take some steps to insure your own survival because he isn't doing that.)

[babyducks]

I strongly recommend you immediately begin to cool this conflict down before someone gets hurt.

Marching into his office to confront him, is adding to the level of conflict.

Take some time to settle your own emotional reaction.

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe-

This is said with caring and concern. You are completely focused on your H, what he says, what he does, what he eats, what he did and what he's doing. This is not helping you or him.

Please take the focus off him and on to what you need to do. So he says crazy things. He's disordered. You have to detach your fate from his hands and take some of it on to yourself. ( note this is not saying leave- it is saying take some steps to insure your own survival because he isn't doing that.)

I called the lawyer, waiting for him to forward me to their people at family law. I am going to protect myself for what’s coming. I just can’t process this, me being screwed over like this. It’s like being robbed in a public place. I do need to look for a job and figure out the area where to move the children

[snowglobe]

I strongly recommend you immediately begin to cool this conflict down before someone gets hurt.

Marching into his office to confront him, is adding to the level of conflict.

Take some time to settle your own emotional reaction.

My head tells me I should, but my emotions are running so high, I just want to hurt him.

[babyducks]

Listen to your head.  You don't want this to flash over into violence.

Are you with a regular therapist now?    Is there some one you can talk to,  some one professional,  who can help you regulate your own emotions?

[AskingWhy]

I am glad you have contacting a lawyer and are seeking guidance and support.  Please know the pain you feel is no stranger to me.  

Several years ago, my uBPD H deliberately damaged my property and then lied to me about it.  (Symbolic violence and then gaslighting.) What he he broke (crushed underneath his feet) utterly devastated me, than he launched on a tirade of character assassination and verbal abuse.

I cried so much that I ended up vomiting, truly physically ill.  Some time after that I resolved never to have any person again make me feel that bad.

I know his own adult children emotionally blackmail him, and I have seen them reduce him to a pathetic, begging poor excuse for a man.  They threaten him for money and favours such as, "I won't visit you," or, "You can't see the grandchildren," etc.  He becomes the cowering BPD shell of a man he is in reality.

I also suggest you see a T to help you cope with your H's behaviour.  pwBPD derive power from making others feel bad, and it's because they feel so bad about themselves.  NPDs and BPDs tend to target "good, kind, honest" people and then start to whittle away their self esteem.  These are the tactics of bullies.

Deep down inside, bullies hate themselves.

[snowglobe]

Listen to your head.  You don't want this to flash over into violence.

Are you with a regular therapist now?    Is there some one you can talk to,  some one professional,  who can help you regulate your own emotions?

Not at the moment, but I’m going to make phone calls. I want to get on his face and tell him what a liar, manipulator, scammer he is to manipulate me to see under the pretext of upgrading only to start sabotaging the buying part. I want to tell him to burn in hell and that I condemn him to eternal pain that he had caused me, I want to burn every little picture of him, I want to throw his clothes on the street. I want to distort him emotionally

[snowglobe]

I am glad you have contacting a lawyer and are seeking guidance and support.  Please know the pain you feel is no stranger to me.  

Several years ago, my uBPD H deliberately damaged my property and then lied to me about it.  (Symbolic violence and then gaslighting.) What he he broke (crushed underneath his feet) utterly devastated me, than he launched on a tirade of character assassination and verbal abuse.

I cried so much that I ended up vomiting, truly physically ill.  Some time after that I resolved never to have any person again make me feel that bad.

I know his own adult children emotionally blackmail him, and I have seen them reduce him to a pathetic, begging poor excuse for a man.  They threaten him for money and favours such as, "I won't visit you," or, "You can't see the grandchildren," etc.  He becomes the cowering BPD shell of a man he is in reality.

I also suggest you see a T to help you cope with your H's behaviour.  pwBPD derive power from making others feel bad, and it's because they feel so bad about themselves.  NPDs and BPDs tend to target "good, kind, honest" people and then start to whittle away their self esteem.  These are the tactics of bullies.

Deep down inside, bullies hate themselves.

Make no mistake, this bully loves himself, giving himself only the finest things in life, parading his body to everyone and taking in the attention

[AskingWhy]

Make no mistake, this bully loves himself, giving himself only the finest things in life, parading his body to everyone and taking in the attention

This interest in his body indicates your H has strong NPD aspects. 

This article might make sense to you.  Again, please protect yourself and your interests, and that of your family.

https://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/2016/08/05/how-to-effectively-deal-with-a-somatic-narcissist/

[Cat Familiar]

I want to get on his face and tell him what a liar, manipulator, scammer he is to manipulate me to see under the pretext of upgrading only to start sabotaging the buying part. I want to tell him to burn in hell and that I condemn him to eternal pain that he had caused me, I want to burn every little picture of him, I want to throw his clothes on the street. I want to distort him emotionally

Don't do this. Many of us questioned why you would trust him when we heard he planned to sell your house. Like others have said, you need to proactively look out for yourself and your children, because you've yet again experienced more evidence that he won't.

When the money becomes available, buy yourself (in your name only) a modest house that you can afford for yourself and the children.

Living well is the best revenge.

[snowglobe]

Don't do this. Many of us questioned why you would trust him when we heard he planned to sell your house. Like others have said, you need to proactively look out for yourself and your children, because you've yet again experienced more evidence that he won't.

When the money becomes available, buy yourself (in your name only) a modest house that you can afford for yourself and the children.

Living well is the best revenge.

Cat, this lines up with infidelity, manipulation, trying to turn me on my toes only to get what he wants. He got what he wanted. For a typical person, greed and npd wouldn’t be the main point of getting what they want at any cost. That’s not true for my uBPDh. Loosing his family (he knows what security means for me) wasn’t a factor enough to stop and consider. Now that he got what he was after, he is laughing in my face, literally. This morning while I was crying and saying “how could you do this, I trusted you with our lives and safety”, do you know what he did? He took my face into his hands and he laughed, kicking back his head. This demonic psychotic all hearty laugh saying “yes, yes, we are in the same spot”... this isn’t love. This isn’t care. This is a person purposefully trying to ruin other people’s lives and enjoy their misery. I feel like a grande went on inside of my heart and there are only shattered pieces of what ones was a family. I feel humiliated and violated

[formflier]

Snowglobe

Please read your last post and compare that to the advice of Notwendy to take the focus off your husband.

Just as important...consider the advice of BabyDucks to cool the situation.  For YOU to take steps to cool the situation and avoid things that may escalate it (like marching in the office).

Please focus on yourself.  Care for yourself.  Center your emotions.  

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

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