No more sacrificing of myself

[MomSA]

I saw a DBT counsellor yesterday and then made a decision...I am not longer going to sacrifice my mental health for my two BPDs (husband and daughter).

I am going to soon be an almost empty nester with my 4th and last child heading off to university in 2020.

I am thinking, and enjoying the idea, of finding things for just me to do away from my home. I love my home and it has been the centre of my world for all of us for 24 yrs but I know I need to disappear to do different things daily...

What do you do for your "self soothing", time away, own space?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

What do you do for your "self soothing", time away, own space?

Great question
 I do what makes me me. I write. I teach. I preach
 I participate in social justice activities. I travel extensively both as a missionary and a tourist. I play the harp. I have nice dates with my H. I basically do whatever I would otherwise be doing if this horror show wasn't happening because I still deserve a life. So do you.

[livednlearned]

That's a big realization, MomSA! To put yourself first   

For me-time:

I walk my dog.

I put on noise-canceling headphones and close the door and listen to guided meditation once daily, to say hello to myself  .

I recently learned to play tennis and I'm terrible   I love how social it is to play a sport with people who just want to have fun and get together over a game. That's new for me. It's also a good reminder how hard it is to learn a new skill, how you have to show up and practice.

I put time into friendships, making an effort to call and stay in touch and check in on friends and go for coffee, a glass of wine, see a movie, meet for lunch. I tend to retreat when I'm sad so I'm trying the DBT opposite action.

Therapy is my me-time, too. I love having someone skilled be able to listen between the lines and give me a little adjustment so I stay connected to a healthy perspective.

[MomSA]

Great question
 I do what makes me me. I write. I teach. I preach
 I participate in social justice activities. I travel extensively both as a missionary and a tourist. I play the harp. I have nice dates with my H. I basically do whatever I would otherwise be doing if this horror show wasn't happening because I still deserve a life. So do you.

Lovely  

[MomSA]

I walk my dog.

I recently learned to play tennis and I'm terrible   I love how social it is to play a sport with people who just want to have fun and get together over a game. That's new for me. It's also a good reminder how hard it is to learn a new skill, how you have to show up and practice.

I put time into friendships, making an effort to call and stay in touch and check in on friends and go for coffee, a glass of wine, see a movie, meet for lunch. I tend to retreat when I'm sad so I'm trying the DBT opposite action.

Therapy is my me-time, too. I love having someone skilled be able to listen between the lines and give me a little adjustment so I stay connected to a healthy perspective.

Yes, I am a dog walker too  Love it.

I have recently reached out to 2 old friends who I retreated from, partly embarrassment about how DH behaved in front of them, but I understand now I am not him and they can separate his actions from me.

[FaithHopeLove]

I am glad you reconnected with your friends.

[nevergupmom]

Hi MomSA-
This is the key for overcoming!  Knowing our identity is not our struggling child.  I personally love the beach (which I live 20 minutes away),  gardening ( expecially herbs and edibles).  I worship regularly and gather with like minded people.  I play piano and guitar and just started learning the ukelele.  Learning something new is so important to keep your mind engaged.  When I get into place of worshipping the Lord, my troubles melt like wax for a short while.  I personally can't live without it!   Is it easy? No- Often I usually have to push myself to participate in these things but  I'm always so glad I did.     It makes it so when the next crisis comes, I don't fall to pieces. 
Looking forward to hearing more from you.
nevergumom

[MomSA]

Hi MomSA-
This is the key for overcoming!  Knowing our identity is not our struggling child.  I personally love the beach (which I live 20 minutes away),  gardening ( expecially herbs and edibles).  I worship regularly and gather with like minded people.  I play piano and guitar and just started learning the ukelele.  Learning something new is so important to keep your mind engaged.  When I get into place of worshipping the Lord, my troubles melt like wax for a short while.  I personally can't live without it!   Is it easy? No- Often I usually have to push myself to participate in these things but  I'm always so glad I did.     It makes it so when the next crisis comes, I don't fall to pieces. 
Looking forward to hearing more from you.
nevergumom

Sounds like you and I could be friends  beach, veggie gardening, indigenous gardening and relationship with the Lord...

[nevergupmom]

Too bad we met because of this heart ache...but we can be strong and see breakthrough in ourselves and our children.
Keep standing.