how to support child with angry/controlling coparent

[Kat82]

Hi! I am divorced from a partner who I suspect is undiagnosed BPD and/or NPD. We share 50/50 custody of a 6yo who’s starting to become aware of the other parent’s bizarre behavior. I’m looking for insight on how to support kids growing up with a disordered parent. I don’t want to normalize the bpd-like behaviors but I also don’t want to appear like I’m bashing the other parent either. I’m also obviously worried about my child developing bpd traits as well. Any advice or resources are appreciated!
Thanks!

[Turkish]

 This is tough, and it was tough for me to respond to the kids when they told me things that happened between their mom and her husband.  One incident of DV and a lot of her belittling him with verbal and emotional abuse while he was living with them and later.  Like recently, "mommy says you're not as bad as [step-dad] because you only smoke cigarettes but he smokes pot." She shouldn't have told them that he burns.  Adult issue!

This is a good book which can help you talk to your kid. 

The Power of Validation (for parents) - Karyn D. Hall, PhD

I found it very readable.  I also realized how much I was invalidated myself as a child by my BPD mother. 

[MeandThee29]

The therapist advised me to think "parallel parenting" years ago when we were all together, and I was wrestling with how to teach them how to cope without being a complete betrayer. So I was to be the best, engaged parent I could be, and as much as was reasonable, let my partner be what he wanted to be to them. She also said they needed to be in therapy to discuss the parenting issues and more so that I didn't have to be completely the one to discuss my partner with them.

It's pie-in-the-sky to think that you will never, ever help your child think through their experiences with the other parent though. You can't really be neutral when your child's welfare is at stake. Mine accuses me of turning them against him, but there's so much that he did which got that ball rolling in their minds. Now that they are adults, I'm completely hands off. It's up to them whether they have a relationship with him or not. I know that they have carefully discussed this with their counsellors.

Al-Anon materials have helped me a lot, both as a partner and as a parent. I had no idea that they had actually expanded their materials from just drugs and alcohol to generally dysfunctional families.

[worriedStepmom]

My stepdaughter was 5 when H and I got married.  Her mom is the waif type - she doesn't get angry but she fully expects her daughter to provide all emotional support for  her.

Like Turkish said, validation is going to be your best tool.  SD told me all kinds of stuff that her mom said (usually about me).  I'd always ask what she thought of that, and gently walk her through her own way of reasoning.  Sometimes I'd ask if she wanted my take on it, and usually she'd say yes.  My code words were "I think mommy might be confused."  After about 2 years, these conversations pretty much stopped - I think at that point SD realized that her own perceptions tended to match mine and never matched mom's.

When SD turned 11, she started getting really stressed out by mom's behaviors.  We had a few conversations with her after large incidents.  We told her point-blank that her mom sees the world in a different way than we do, that it's something in her brain that does this and that her brain thinks this is all normal.  She can love mom soo much, but none of us can change the way mom thinks (no matter how much we want to), so we have to meet her where she is, and not where we want her to be.  We all agreed that it's really sad for mom, because it can't be pleasant to have your mind tell you this kind of stuff, and it's also sad for SD (SD missed this part because she had been trained her feelings don't matter), because sometimes mom does things that hurt SD's feelings.

We also got a therapist for SD at the same time.  I think we probably should have started earlier.

TLDR: lots of validation, never saying anything mean about mom, explaining in a child-appropriate way that none of this is SD's fault, and a therapist when they child acts stressed.

[Panda39]

Validating your child's feelings, asking questions that can help them come up with their own solutions, listening, and Therapy.  Another thing and this is a hard one sometimes you need to recognize when things are not in your control and let go...sometimes things are learned the hard way but you can be there to help pick up the pieces.

Be consistent, supportive, caring, rational, set boundaries etc.  Show your child what healthy looks like.

Here is a link to the Coparenting Lessons section, there is tons of information  here... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.0

Panda39

[worriedStepmom]

you can be there to help pick up the pieces.

This is the most important thing, and the hardest.  We want to help them avoid the pain, but we can't.  We just love them and help them through the hard times - and take actions to protect them legally if it escalates to that level.

[livednlearned]

I’m also obviously worried about my child developing bpd traits as well.

Are you noticing any behaviors in particular that concern you?

[mart555]

That's a difficult situation.  The kids don't know what to think.  My youngest one is 10 and cried a few weeks ago saying "I am sad that we are losing mom, she will never be normal again".  My oldest one is scared of going for visits because he became the new caretaker and she split on him a bunch of times.   I am filing for sole custody with some visitation rights for her but she thinks that she is the best parent and will want 50-50. 

Poor kids. 

[MeandThee29]

Another thought from my own therapy , which is as important as you kids' therapy.

She once told me that if I was balanced, consistent, and loving, they would learn what was normal and what was not as they got older. As long as kids have one solid adult in their lives, they will usually hold onto that. I'm thankful that my kids had a variety of good adults in their lives. That helps.