Co-Parenting: Verbal Abuse?

[Turkish]

The kids brought home a new phrase recently:

"Effing btch."  They said they heard it at school. 

Yesterday, I took the kids to the eye doctor because D7 needs glasses.  When we were waiting for the frame technician to help up,  S9 climbed into my lap,  apropos of nothing, and said that mommy called him an effing f-word. She was frustrated about him not doing something.  I asked him how he felt about that and he said "sad." I said I'd be sad too, and that it wasn't right for her to call him such names.  I said that he knows mommy has a temper, but that she was also stressed out because she just found out that her grandma died in Mexico.

We met at the mall for an early dinner.  She was supposed to take the kids,  but she got a last minute flight with her mom to fly to Mexico for the funeral.  Her dad was already there.  So she just wanted to say goodbye to the kids. She had to lay it on D7, "so you're going to miss mommy while she's gone?" D7 cried a little and said yes.  Since it's my weekend, it's only for two days if she hadn't gone (today daytime, and Monday). I said, "she was ok until you said that." The kids already knew she was going. 

She asked me if I was going to take the kids to see her mom.  I said no, we were going home.  The kids would say hi and then want to watch tv. They're kids. I said that they would see grandma in Tuesday anyway whether or not she went to Mexico for the weekend.  "Daddy's not really sensitive!" She said to the kids.  Maybe I'm not,  but the kids can pay their respects, such as little kids might, next week.  Every short trip and it's played emotionally like it's the end of the world.  I've seen this before. 

Her mom is going more out of duty, I think.  This is the MIL who treated her DIL horribly in the past (according to my ex) though she mellowed with age. 

The kids went to the bathroom.  I told her that S9 told me that she called him that.  She admitted that she did and apologized later.  Then she said that she wanted him to toughen up.  She's said that before.  I didn't pursue the illogic of thinking that being nasty to your son was "toughening him up" not to mention apologizing later which sends mixed signals. She was leaving six hours later,  and I addition to her grief, this is the first time she's been back to Mexico in 26 years since they were brought here by a coyote (illegally, though she's a citizen now).

She asked me what I told our son and I told her what I said. Then the kids came back and said their goodbyes.

[worriedStepmom]

I said that he knows mommy has a temper, but that she was also stressed out because she just found out that her grandma died in Mexico.

You did great validating your son's feelings...and then you invalidated them by justifying why mommy said such a nasty thing.  It took me a while to learn that it isn't our job to apologize for or justify the other parent's actions.  In your shoes, I would have stopped at "that isn't an acceptable way to talk to someone."    Because now he has mixed messages that it's okay to treat someone poorly if you have a temper and something makes you sad.

We met at the mall for an early dinner. 

I thought you were going to cut down on a lot of the "family time"?

[Turkish]

You are right.  He's already enough of a Comforter. I see him like this with his sister. 

It would have been her night to take the kids and she wanted to say goodbye to them before she just. 

[formflier]

    Because now he has mixed messages that it's okay to treat someone poorly if you have a temper and something makes you sad.
 

I didn't read it that way, although now that I've thought about it...this is likely something for Turkish to clean up later and explicitly pass on the message he intended.

I'm assuming the message is that angry people sometimes do that and that his kids "shouldn't take it personally"...vice that "it's ok for angry people to say those things".

Turkish,

Did she apologize to the child or to you for saying the "effin" thing?

I think it's appropriate for you to engage her in the future on this "toughen him up" thing.  That could mean a lot of different things.

Did you "call her on it" when she passed judgment on you in front of kids?  The "not sensitive" thing?

My wife used to do such things a lot.  Took a long time to get that out of the r/s.

Best,

FF

[Turkish]

I talked to him explicitly last night.  I told him it applied to me as well.  I've been known to use "what the hell is going on?" But I've dialed it back.

D7 name calls sometimes.  It didn't help that she hau have picked it up from mom when she called her husband that (and other things)  in front of them. 

I didn't call her out.  I figured it would be JADE in front of the kids. 

[Harri]

I am not seeing the connection to JADE here.  Do you mean by you or that she would engage in JADE?  I can see not confronting her on it in front of the kids.  

Is there harm is saying do not talk to our kids like that in private?

I've been known to use "what the hell is going on?"

Is that the same as verbally abusing your child by calling them foul names?

What about toughening the kids up with coping skills, skills that build resilience, teaching them about boundaries?

 

[GaGrl]

Was she in your house? I don't think it is out of line to say, "Hey, house rule here is No Name-Calling. "

[Turkish]

No.  It was at hers. 

[formflier]

Was she in your house? I don't think it is out of line to say, "Hey, house rule here is No Name-Calling. "

Or...if in neutral ground

"Oh my...what example are we setting with name calling?"   or variations on this. 

I used things like that, which my wife would eventually back down from.  Name calling is rare now..thanksfully.

Best,

FF

[Harri]

Wait... if your wife called you an effin b...  you would respond with "oh my... what example are we setting?"

[formflier]

Wait... if your wife called you an effin b...  you would respond with "oh my... what example are we setting?"

Yep...and if it wasn't corrected..I would send the children to their rooms, thereby depriving her of an "audience".

The kids couldn't leave on their own, but once they have a parent telling them to go to their room..they could "blame" me for it and wouldn't incur the wrath of FFw.

FFw had really nowhere to go with it...because she couldn't accurately complain to people that my hubby won't let act up in front of the kids.

It was painful for a while, but has turned out to be really effective.

FF