New Looking for Support

[Oliverlee69]

I am new to the group. My daughter is 22 and had BPD unofficially diagnosed by a therapist. Before he could give her the diagnosis and suggest she seek additional therapy she stop going.  I am struggling as I find her condition heart breaking.  Since  she has become delusional accusing me of all sorts of things from hacking her computer to spying on her and going on vacation to leave her with the Pets to punish her.  I am literally her verbal punching bag.  There is not a day of peace in my house that she is not picking a fight, sending me text, or diagnosing me with mental health issues as per google as her perception.  She has gone to anyone who will listen and has told them how much she hates me and my rules.  Since she lives with me and I just bought a house my rules are simple: she  needs a job, she can’t smoke in the house, the air conditioner cannot be ran at 64 degrees, and her area has to be neat.  Two weeks ago she threw a plate of food on the new carpet to teach me a lesson that she would run the air at whatever temperature she pleases. That same day she punched me in my face because she lost the key to the car she drives and assumed I hid it from her.
Her outbursts are not new but this is the worse she has ever been and I feel guilty not being able to help
Her.
My daughter is a talented make up artist/cosmologist refuses to work in her career and has not worked in an year. Now she is motivated to find a job so she can get her own place.
I could go on forever because I can’t believe all of the behaviors. I want to be supportive but she does not allow me support her. She has burned her bridge with her father, my ex husband, my mother and most of her friends.
I will take any advice on how to handle this and how to protect myself,
Thank you Any support and suggestions

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Oliverlee
I am glad to meet you and sad for what brings you here. It has to be very difficult as a single parent of such a sensitive and volatile person. You have come to the right place for support. The good news is things can get better. We can't change our children but we can learn new skills that help our relationships with them. Maybe a good place to start would be here.
 boundaries

This was one of the first lessons I learned here and it helped a lot. Welcome!

[livednlearned]

Oof, punched in the face. I hope you're ok?

How do you feel about her wanting to move out?

I wonder if it is not the rules that agitate her so much as her inability to tolerate frustration. She expects you to help her deal with frustration when that's not actually possible...

Does she agree she has BPD?

[Oliverlee69]

Thanks for the welcome.  My daughter does not agree with BPD.  She actually called the therapist and told him she would not be coming back because she was not going to be diagnosed by someone I know ( I don't know him professionally).  Her attitude is that I am the one screwed up.  She has spent a lot of time and energy going to people to discuss theories about me.  So far she has accused me of hacking her computer, hacking her IPHONE, spying on her, gang stalking her using my book club, and stealing from her bank account.  She does not think about the consequences of her words.  My sister feels like she just wants revenge on me for something that my daughter has not or cannot express.
As for moving out this would be for the best for both of us but I doubt without a job that she can go far. 
The rules I agree agitate her and she lashes out about them. Unfortunately I will not bend on the rules.

[Margarete]

Welcome! Glad you found your way here. I found that in the past (DD28) that it is so hard for single parents to at least be able to vent about the terrible things going on in our lives. My husband (died in 2014) never understood what was going on and blamed me for it. Most friends and relatives have no idea (and how could they?) what struggle is involved. You said unfortunately you are enforcing the rules. I don't know about that. I have tried to set strict boundaries in the past, enforce the rules and made sure there were consequences... and then, when I got too tired, I loosened up... I don't think either way made a difference. The only improvement I have seen has been connected to DD (now 28) accepting that BPD is real and that she needed treatment (DBT). Far away from where we should be but there is hope.
When it gets too much come here and share the burden.
Margarete

[MomSA]

What a lot to deal with. How are you doing today?

I would like to suggest a few things that have helped us...

The books "When Your Daughter Has BPD" and "Ï hate you, don't leave me" and "stop walking on eggshells" are all good, but it takes time to read them so may I also suggest...

You define your environment and if she doesn't respect it you need to tell her she has x months to get a job and move out. This is very hard for a mom to do, I know.

If she refuses therapy, it makes it even harder for you...but as you cannot change her, you must focus on what you will and won't put up with and stand firm.