Part of me wants him back...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

God help me, the past nearly two years have been probably the most difficult two years of my life--and I lost my mother as a teenager. What my STBX & STBX-FIL have put me through has been unrelenting. Still...

Part of me wants my STBX to show up at settlement and tell me he made a mistake, he loves me, he wants me back.

TMD

[toomanydogs]

God help me, the past nearly two years have been probably the most difficult two years of my life--and I lost my mother as a teenager. What my STBX & STBX-FIL have put me through has been unrelenting. Still...

Part of me wants my STBX to show up at settlement and tell me he made a mistake, he loves me, he wants me back.

TMD

[zachira]

It's very normal to want any person that has hurt us badly to sincerely apologize and make amends. Unfortunately it is rare for this to happen, and yet when it does can be extremely cathartic. I hope you don't mind if I share a personal story of my own. For most of my life, my mother with BPD has shamed me for liking and associating with people from backgrounds different from my own. One day, my mother sincerely expressed regret about being racist. When she did so, my whole body started to feel a huge sign of relief. Prior to that, I would often feel terribly ashamed for no reason when around people of a different racial background than my own. After mom expressed sincere regret about being racist (which for me was somehow the equivalent of apologizing to me for all the times she shamed me for liking and enjoying people different from me in physical appearance), I never felt ashamed or uncomfortable again. Know that your wish does make sense, and it could be extremely healing if it were to happen. Can you tell us more about how you envision your STBX could make amends in ways that would be healing for you?

[toomanydogs]

Can you tell us more about how you envision your STBX could make amends in ways that would be healing for you?

When all this started, nearly two years ago, a friend asked me if I'd ever take STBX back, and I said, "no." And then I thought, and I said, "Yes. If, he came to me and said, 'TMD, I am so sorry for what I put you through. I know words will never make up for what I did, for the names I called you, for the abuse I threw at you. I know. And I don't expect you to forgive me, but I still want to apologize. And, I know I haven't a chance, but I want you back. And what I will do is check myself into residential treatment, for at least a year. If you could visit me, I'd appreciate it, but I don't expect you to. I want to prove you I've changed and I want you back."

That's the only way I saw that we could get back together, and now--after all his father's done--even that wouldn't work to get me back. The truth is I got really really hurt by these people. I'm in my mid-60s. I want the last third of my life to contain as little drama and hurt as possible.

And still part of me wants him back. And I know that won't happen. And it makes me sad. Really sad.

TMD

[MeandThee29]

And then I thought, and I said, "Yes. If, he came to me and said, 'TMD, I am so sorry for what I put you through. I know words will never make up for what I did, for the names I called you, for the abuse I threw at you. I know. And I don't expect you to forgive me, but I still want to apologize. And, I know I haven't a chance, but I want you back. And what I will do is check myself into residential treatment, for at least a year. If you could visit me, I'd appreciate it, but I don't expect you to. I want to prove you I've changed and I want you back."

I'm in my mid-60s. I want the last third of my life to contain as little drama and hurt as possible.

And still part of me wants him back. And I know that won't happen. And it makes me sad. Really sad.

I hear you. I had a dream that mine said the same and told a friend who is a retired personal life coach. Her response was that miracles do happen, but I have to live my life as if a miracle is not going to happen. It's an exceptionally rare situation, as I know from my discussions with my friend and also my therapist.

I'm probably a decade away from retiring, so behind you age-wise. I recently interviewed for a job, and they asked what my ambitions are. Frankly I just want to do something I enjoy and have a peaceful life. I left off the last part of course. I don't want to be a manager because I don't want the hassle. I've had enough of that both in and outside of work. As a friend of mine says, OPD (other people's drama) not for me. Of course I didn't tell them that either!

[worriedStepmom]

This is part of the grieving process.

You love him.  You miss the man you believed him to be and the future that you had planned.  The future that didn't include all of this nasty legal stuff and the huge amount of stress.

Sometimes, when we get so caught up in surviving, we don't have time to grieve.  You're coming to what may be the end of your legal battles, which means the final end to your marriage...and the final end to the hope that your marriage might survive. It's perfectly normal to start grieving for what you will no longer have.

Be kind to yourself right now.  {{hugs}}

[Another One1]

When all this started, nearly two years ago, a friend asked me if I'd ever take STBX back, and I said, "no." And then I thought, and I said, "Yes. If, he came to me and said, 'TMD, I am so sorry for what I put you through. I know words will never make up for what I did, for the names I called you, for the abuse I threw at you. I know. And I don't expect you to forgive me, but I still want to apologize. And, I know I haven't a chance, but I want you back. And what I will do is check myself into residential treatment, for at least a year. If you could visit me, I'd appreciate it, but I don't expect you to. I want to prove you I've changed and I want you back."

I had a similar fantasy. And it came true, I thought the pain was all worth it and life could begin a new. My friends and family watched on in horror.

And then it all went back to how it was, and much worse.

Twice.
...

The bit that finally made it different the last time is I realised there was no real empathy and the apology, as incredibly genuine as it seemed at the time, was fleeting, and the appreciation of the pain was not real.

The problem is, most people I know, if they do something wrong, even minor, they feel like crap because the conscience nags them and so they go above and beyond to make amends.

This time around it's not the conscience nagging I think, it's missing what you gave them and then just jumping through the hoops to get it back. Then they have it back. Great! Time to just do their old thing again.

I don't think it's sociopathy or that empathy is not possible, I think N/B people are just in so much pain from something else, that everyone else doesn't really factor into their world view enough to have much empathy for them. You weren't someone they cared about. You were someone who distracted them from their pain. Sorry if that doesn't feel nice to read, it's not something I got much joy in realizing, but I hope it encourages you to never go back.

You know the saying that you have to help yourself before you have the strength to help others? I don't think that strength is there for them and if you go near them, it will just beat you up until you collapse or escape again.

Thank you to everyone else who was more understanding, I just don't want anyone else to go through the hell I did.

[toomanydogs]

This is part of the grieving process.

You love him.  You miss the man you believed him to be and the future that you had planned.  The future that didn't include all of this nasty legal stuff and the huge amount of stress.

Sometimes, when we get so caught up in surviving, we don't have time to grieve.  You're coming to what may be the end of your legal battles, which means the final end to your marriage...and the final end to the hope that your marriage might survive. It's perfectly normal to start grieving for what you will no longer have.

Be kind to yourself right now.  {{hugs}}

Thanks, Worried. I do miss the man I thought he could be. I miss the future I thought we could have.

Thank you for reminding me this is part of the grief process. When I look back over the past two years, I am appalled that my STBX and STBX-FIL thought they could treat me as they did. Their behavior towards me wasn't (and isn't) okay.

I am not willing to tolerate their lack of respect and downright nastiness towards me. The farther away I can get from both of them, the better off I will be.

And, yet, I am still grieving what I thought I could have: A man who loved me and an extended family who appreciated me. Neither my STBX nor my STBX-FIL is capable of giving me what I want. Sometimes, like today, I have to repeat that as mantra: They are incapable (or unwilling) to give me what I want, what I need, what I deserve.

Thanks!   
TMD