Need advice fast

[Perdita]

He was out of town but is flying back right now. Shortly before boarding he called and he is in one of those moods again  telling me maybe he is better off single and saying I must leave and that he doesn't care whether or not I am here when he gets here. I asked do you want me here and after a while he mumbled a unenthusiastic yes.

He's going to probably be yelling at me again when he gets back. I am dreading the sudden outburst and accusations. He even said that lately I haven't stayed here for a few nights so why be here at all.  True, I was caring for an elderly sick parent and stayed there for a couple of nights here and there over the past 3 weeks.   Not partying or such. I reminded him of this.  He said nothing.

What gives you the best results in this situation? I try not defending myself and walking away but he won't let it go once he is like this.

We got in an argument yesterday because  a very twisted woman came onto him recently and declared her intention to break us up by finding a woman he will be willing to replace me with. She's caused a lot of problems over the years in our circle.  I told my man to block her on everything so she knows we are shutting her out of our lives. Although he said he is done with her he refused to block her anywhere or to remove her from social media in fear of "causing  drama"! His take on it was that if I love him I won't expect him to do that and be happy with him simply ignoring her. My position is that she has straight out declared her intentions. I want him to protect us from such a vile person.  Finally today he removed her, but probably not from everything.  Now he is resentful, asking things like who must he remove next to please me. I feel hurt that I even had to ask him to do it. Who wants some one like this women to have a window into their lives?

The real shock came during the call before he boarded.  He said that soon "things will be hapenning that you won't like". I asked what, but I already knew damn well the answer. His old crush is coming to town and he wants to hang out with her. I have spoken about her at length in the past and how she has been a very willing part of his triangulation. Sure enough, I was right! I feel he is hoping I move out while she's in town so that he can have her over in the home I made for us ! I told him to go ahead and meet up with her!  He replied that I will get angry.  My response was no, go ahead just don't do it under my nose because I don't want to see it.

He is going to be in a foul mood when he gets here in about 2 hours.  How to handle it? I want a quiet evening not his anger and mood swings. I am stressing already.

[Cat Familiar]

I seem to remember long ago that you have another place to live and that you were choosing to live with him. Is that still the case?

If so, why not stay there? He's disinvited you from his house and is behaving very unkindly toward you.

[GaGrl]

I agree with CatF...he has given you clear warning about what you are in store for when he returns. There's a high probability that you won't have a quiet and peaceful evening.

Why sign up for it? Not going there is exercising a boundary. It's about you and your value, protecting yourself.

[WitzEndWife]

Perdita, it should not be a question of whether HE wants you to be there. Do YOU want to be around for his nasty mood? What's in it for you? Could you maybe just leave for the night and talk about it when he is in a better mood?

It sounds like he's greatly devaluing you. Do you like this? Do you enjoy him talking about another woman? What is the benefit to you hanging around while he talks down to you and emotionally cheats on you with another woman? Who are you doing this for?

[Perdita]

He was actually telling me that "you don't want to be there so don't be there" and asking me "do you want to be there".  It's a weird case of he wants me there and will either be happy that I am there or he still wants me there but because he wants to argue and take his stress out on me.

I was there last night and decided to relax.  I took a bath for the first time since living there.  I tried taking one early in the year but he came home unexpectedly and I was so worried what would happen if he saw water in the tub.  He was in a foul mood that day again.  Last night I didn't care and I did the whole bathroom set up and took an hour long bath.  He came home as though nothing was wrong at all (I was still in the tub).  Only later did he bring this whole mess up with this woman that was causing trouble.  He kept saying she's a b!tch and he too is done having her in our lives just to keep the peace (regarding a close mutual friend).  In talking to him I realized once again that the problem with this particular situation is that he lacks a backbone.  He kept saying he feels bad about simply cutting ties and that maybe he should explain to her why we don't want her in our lives anymore.  Now, this woman is dangerously narcissistic.  I believe in going no contact and not giving her any explanation as she knows full well why otherwise she will just keep playing her games.   He is so soft to stand up to people which I know is why he takes it out on me instead.  It's is not only my opinion that this woman is totally nuts and nasty.  He has been told the same thing about her by his family whose opinion he does value.  Yet, he keeps doubting it and getting mad at me.

[Cat Familiar]

I took a bath for the first time since living there.  I tried taking one early in the year but he came home unexpectedly and I was so worried what would happen if he saw water in the tub. 

I'm not sure what positives this relationship is providing for your life if something as ordinary as taking a bath would cause you such undue distress and concern about his reaction.

[WitzEndWife]

Here again, Perdita, you're focusing all of your energy worrying about him, his reactions, and his relationship to the woman. I'm glad you took the time to take a bath for yourself - good for you! However, it's troubling that you were so concerned about his reaction to you doing so previously that you avoided it. I'd actually just try to get into the habit of trying to pause and think, "what am I thinking and feeling in this moment?" Try to tune into yourself rather than always tuning into him.

You're shadow boxing right now, trying to foresee his next move, and it's causing you a lot of pain and stress. You can free yourself from this, but you have to be willing to change your thinking and stop blaming him for why you can't do X or Y. He is like a 5 year old. You wouldn't let a 5-year-old control your life, would you? You are still in control, you just think you're not.

[once removed]

He kept saying he feels bad about simply cutting ties
...
I believe in going no contact

these are two different beliefs, two different ways of dealing with conflict. one is his, one is yours.

trying to make him see it your way, or develop a backbone as you see it, is likely to backfire, and it sounds like hes already resentful.

think about it: the same would probably occur if you cut contact with someone, and he pressed you to remain in contact with that person. hed be asking you to deal with something in a way that goes against who you are, in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

[Perdita]

think about it: the same would probably occur if you cut contact with someone, and he pressed you to remain in contact with that person. hed be asking you to deal with something in a way that goes against who you are, in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

That is actually exactly how it has been.  I previously removed this woman from my life as did he by his own choice, but then he brought her back in and I was foolish enough to believe that she might have changed.  He kept saying I must give her yet another chance. I shouldn't have doubted my judgement on this.  My first instincts were correct.

[AskingWhy]

Your partner want to have his cake and eat it, too.  Don't let him.

He is making his decisions and that is his prerogative, but don't change your plans for him.  You stay put. 

The hardest thing about a R/S with a pwBPD is detaching, and knowing it's not about you.  For many years, my uBPD H raged at me for the smallest things:  dinner not cooked on time, dinner not to his liking, putting his children ahead of me under my own roof (these were teens and young adults), job giving him stress.  It all came down to one thing:  he hated me, his unhappiness in life were all my fault, and he wanted a divorce.

In the past, I would be devastated each time, begging him not to leave, apologising for anything I did that might have upset him.  Then the light bulb came on and I saw him for what he was:  a BPD that was volatile, angry with himself, insecure and had a horrid childhood with a uNPD F.  (He would never admit this to himself.)

BPDs find themselves drawn to NPDs.  My uBPD H's X W is an NPD and has made a pscyhological mess of all of their children.

Learn to practice self care.  The nice bath was just a beginning of doing good things for yourself.

[Perdita]

He is like a 5 year old. You wouldn't let a 5-year-old control your life, would you? You are still in control, you just think you're not.

No, I wouldn't.  In fact I have always been known to not allow any kids to walk all over me.  I can be lax about a lot of things but firmly let them know when they are being brats and not to play dumb with me when they know they have crossed the line.  I never thought I would end up with a "man" that I would have to handle like a child though.

[Perdita]

I seem to remember long ago that you have another place to live and that you were choosing to live with him. Is that still the case?

Yes, but that has it's own drawbacks and complications.  I have only 2/3 of the place.  Was 1/3.  Hope to somehow own it all outright, but money is a huge problem in my life.  Like, seriously a huge problem.  I don't have debt, but my bank account stays low and recently it was so low that I had to reactivate my account.

[Perdita]

The hardest thing about a R/S with a pwBPD is detaching, and knowing it's not about you.  For many years, my uBPD H raged at me for the smallest things:  dinner not cooked on time, dinner not to his liking, putting his children ahead of me under my own roof (these were teens and young adults), job giving him stress.  It all came down to one thing:  he hated me, his unhappiness in life were all my fault, and he wanted a divorce.

Two months ago I decided to do what I wanted to do.  We had certain plans, but when we got to the location, he informed me that the plans had changed.  We were not going to be at the exact location we planned to be and he had invited others to meet us.  Well, that day I needed to collect pebbles for a small function.  I had to walk to the planned location for that and I knew if I didn't he would later find an excuse why not to go there for the pebbles.  After we got at the new location I wandered about one of the narrow grass paths.  He caught up with me and started calling me vile names and told me to get back to where everyone else was.  He stormed off.  I decided to hell with this.  Why follow him after he bit my head off like that?  It was then that I decided to walk to where the pebbles are.  Later he came after me.  It was then that he really ripped loose.  He yelled at me "you are the root of all my problems and once I get rid of you I can begin my recovery".  I have never heard him talk like that.  Those words.  I know full well those are the words that were spoken to him by his ex who I know has been psychologist etc hopping for very many years (I think she might well be the type that enjoys talking endlessly about her rich girl problems to professionals).  That was also the day he spat at me.  He missed, but it was still a big glob that he spat right in my direction.

I did what I wanted that day and I was feeling good about going to search for pebbles by myself and in peace, but I sure paid the price for it. 

Learn to practice self care.  The nice bath was just a beginning of doing good things for yourself.

The following night he decided to bath instead of shower (he baths about 3x a week).  I always shower although week days I don't even shower there.  He ran in so little water that a baby could safely sit in there!  I asked why so little water.  He usually fills the tub up.  His reply was that he was trying to save water.  I understood the hint even though he said nothing about finding me in the tub.  He will probably be out of town again next week for the day.  I think I will indulge in a nice long bath again.