Boundary Violations

[_Kyra_]

Our daughter who has BPD has told me she does not agree to respect a boundary that I have set.  The boundary is if you have to walk away to calm down then do so but do not attack, yell, tell off and then walk out.  If you start the conversation then you stay to allow the other person to respond.

If you can't have the conversation at that time then say so.  The goal is to get her to stop attacking verbally and then walking out.

Last night she told me she has no intention of agreeing to that.

So now what.  I've been told she will not respect a boundary and any other person would become a lesser part of my life.  What do you do with an adult child?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

It is frustrating to meet with such outright disrespect. Does your daughter live with you? If so, do you think it may be time for her to move out? If not, is setting limits on her visits an option? Boundaries are more about our behavior than theirs. Maybe instead of framing it as "You must follow these rules" essentially demanding a change in her behavior which, as you well know, may or may not happen, you could frame it as "If you start raging I will leave the room" which is simply notifying her of YOUR boundaries and values and what you plan to do. What she does is up to her. Does that make sense?

[Only Human]

Hi Kyra

Is your DD still living with her aunt? In therapy? How are you holding up?

I echo what Faith has written - we can only control what we do or do not do. How does what she suggested sit with you?

you could frame it as "If you start raging I will leave the room" which is simply notifying her of YOUR boundaries and values and what you plan to do. What she does is up to her.

~ OH