Codependent easily offended and hurt?

[FaithHope]

Is it normal for a codependent to get so offended and hurt if you over heard your uBPDxh talked negative about you to the other person? It always affected me.  I have a hard time getting over it. It's almost like I wanted to defend myself but when I do, I sounded like I'm validating xBPDxh words and make the situation worst.

Even just for something along the line of "you wonder why I slept down here (instead of our bedroom)" and then you heard the "OMG" reaction from the other person as if I'm the worst person. Completely ignoring uBPDxh initial poor behaviour that made me react.

These scenes almost always happen when he's drinking. He's BPD traits come out when he's drinking. But he's a complete opposite person when he's sober. Very sad, frustrating and confusing.

[Cat Familiar]

When you look for validation externally rather than within, you will always be at the mercy of someone else. When your partner is a pwBPD, their concept of you can quickly fluctuate from thinking you’re divine to believing you’re the devil incarnate.

Therapy can help you build a strong internal frame of reference so that you’re not vulnerable to the shifting moods of your partner.

[FaithHope]

Thank you Cat Familiar. I'm honestly struggling to be with a therapy. I'm a private person and I'm not comfortable telling my story to strangers.

But you're right, I am still vulnerable to his mood shift. At one point, I thought I'm crazy. I know I'm not but it did confuse me there for awhile.

But I will look into getting therapy soon. I know I needed it.

That's true.. one minute I was a good woman the second minute I'm the worst person for leaving him  and completely forget the reason why I had to leave. We just had a blow up. I'm just out to calm down.

This need to stop. Unfortunately we are financially committed right now and we have to learn how to live and be decent to each other until things get settled out.

Thank you for this site.
I'm able to express my current situation while keeping anonymous.

[Longterm]

When you look for validation externally rather than within, you will always be at the mercy of someone else.

Yes, this is the problem isn't it cat.

Is it normal for a codependent to get so offended and hurt if you over heard your uBPDxh talked negative about you to the other person? It always affected me.

Hi FaithHope 

I think it is normal yes and its something i can relate to. We CD are very sensitive and can get easily upset, as cat says, the issue is looking for outside validation when it needs to come from within us.

Keep posting.

LT.

[FaithHope]

Thank you LT!

They said, what doesn't break you will only make you stronger.

As hard it is to be with a pwBPD, I find this experience, forced me to know myself and be honest with myself. I learned that as CD we still can take care pwBPD but with limitation.. boundaries.

I learned not to stay upset for so long anymore. I learned to truly take care of myself once and for all. This has been a long time coming. I have been told to do this for a long time... I finally smarten up

I know I still have a long ways to go.. but right now I can see a lot of tools and opportunities to help me move ahead. I don't feel stagnant anymore. I truly have a choice. I feel better just knowing this..

Thank you everyone!
Cheers!

[Longterm]

I find this experience, forced me to know myself and be honest with myself.

Hi again 

I think that sentence you wrote resonates with many of us. You can use this opportunity to make changes and confront your own issues, we can blame the pwBPD all day long but until we look at the role we play, we will continue to get hurt. There are many threads here that discuss CD, i suggest you have a look. There are also some very good books on CD. If you look here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0 there are reviews on many books.

LT.

[FaithHope]

Thank you for the link LT!

I checked and got "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist". Got the audio recording and WOW! this book/audio seems written about myself and I'm only in chapter 4! I can't stop listening to it.  

It made me realized the difference of codepency vs caretaking. And it made me realized that my mother could have been a pwBPD. Part of me would like to deny this as it makes me feel guilty and disloyal to my mother. I don't know, I have to think more about this. She has been a great mother to me. I'm conflicted.

It was said that if a caretaker grew up in a BPD dominated family, you'll end up getting in a relationship with BPD because it will seem familiar to you. geeze.. this is quite an eye opener!

I'm learning more and more each day. It's freaky to see the reality unfolding and at the same time it's relieving to know it's not all my fault and that I can truly do something about it now.

I'm still sad about our situation though. My uBPDxh is actually sad and gets emotional about it. If I didn't know what I know now, I would have been lured back in again.

I guess, the consolation that I have from breaking up is that we both know we love each other. I can settle for this and is now okay to move on.

THANK YOU!

[Longterm]

Hi FaithHope.

I checked and got "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist". Got the audio recording and WOW! this book/audio seems written about myself and I'm only in chapter 4! I can't stop listening to it.   

Oh that's great, I'm happy you found something you can relate to 

my mother could have been a pwBPD. Part of me would like to deny this as it makes me feel guilty and disloyal to my mother. I don't know, I have to think more about this   

That just jumped out at me, I have had these thoughts today.

  It was said that if a caretaker grew up in a BPD dominated family, you'll end up getting in a relationship with BPD because it will seem familiar to you. geeze.. this is quite an eye opener!

I'm learning more and more each day. It's freaky to see the reality unfolding and at the same time it's relieving to know it's not all my fault and that I can truly do something about it now.

It is isn't it? You are correct Faith, it is not your fault and now really is the time to do something about it. Awareness is truly a wonderful, freeing experience.

I'm still sad about our situation though.   

And that's ok, your allowed to be sad, it's what makes us human 

LT.

[FaithHope]

Thanks LT.

Is it normal to feel down.. sad.. and unmotivated sometimes.

I haven't been honest to my family and friends about our situation. As far as they know we are still okay.

Listening to this video truly forces me to face the truth of myself. I had to cover up our dysfunction marriage. But in reality I'm sad.

My uBPDxh has two love interests.. one long distance and one nearby. He's pretty honest and upfront to me of what's going on. In the past, I refused to hear it as it hurts but now I truly don't care anymore . Although at time I must not deny I still get affected by it.

All of his flings in the past didn't last.. this time I doubt it will either.. unless if he finds another caretaker that has no clue about this BPD.

This video also pointed out my own hallucinations about our relationships. Hopes that it will work. Now I understand that I was just prolonging the agony.

I'm hoping soon we can sort out our finances. I truly need to move on. I normally feel stronger when I'm away from him. Have more confidence to myself.

Is it normal to dream to meet an emotional partner in the future?

I seem to day dream of this a lot lately.. I guess its helping me cope up with my fear and sadness . I don't know.

This is very difficult and sad! Ups and downs! Exhausting.

[Longterm]

  Is it normal to feel down.. sad.. and unmotivated sometimes.

Unfortunately Faith yes. You will find it comes and goes in cycles. If you are ever having a fairly down period just remember that it cannot sustain and at some point, you will go up again. When you do go up try and recognise it. This imo really helps. Whenever I'm down now I tell myself "do your worst, you will be gone soon" I find it actually makes the down periods shorter. I used to have down months which is reduced to down days now. Try and be gentle to yourself also, you will be a bit "offish" for a while but it's fine, normal, and expected, try to keep yourself active.

PwBPD find it extremely difficult to be alone Faith, try not to take it personally.

 
All of his flings in the past didn't last.. this time I doubt it will either.. unless if he finds another caretaker that has no clue about this BPD.

It's unlikely, if hes untreated the cycle will just repeat, it's only a matter of time. Use this period to think about what you want.

  I'm hoping soon we can sort out our finances. I truly need to move on. I normally feel stronger when I'm away from him. Have more confidence to myself.

It would be best to sort these issues out yes. I think we feel stronger because they drain us and project their emotions onto us. Their behaviour confuses and disorientated us. I too noticed the difference once separation took place. Enjoy your confidence and build on it 

  Is it normal to dream to meet an emotional partner in the future?

I seem to day dream of this a lot lately.. I guess its helping me cope up with my fear and sadness . I don't know.

This is very difficult and sad! Ups and downs! Exhausting.

I think we experience all sorts of thoughts and feelings following these relationships, I would say that it's probably best to remain single right now whilst you come to terms with things.

It is difficult Faith, but your not alone.

LT.

[FaithHope]

I'm crying right now.

Currently in the bedroom and can hear their conversations downstairs on the phone.

Listening to the recordings now.. even though I have the volume high enough to not hear the conversations I still get affected by it just knowing the fact.

Unhealthy environment. I'm contemplating of moving out for sure this time. I'm holding on for now as I want to ensure this will be my last move. And that I won't feel guilty.

I'm having difficulties.

[Longterm]

  I'm crying right now.

Currently in the bedroom and can hear their conversations downstairs on the phone. 

I'm sorry this is happening to you Faith 
Do you think it may be best for you to leave for a while? Maybe go for a walk or to a friends/family members house.

  I'm contemplating of moving out for sure this time. I'm holding on for now as I want to ensure this will be my last move. And that I won't feel guilty. 

Do you have a plan regarding this?

I'm having difficulties.

It's understandable that you are upset Faith, we are always here to talk.

LT.

[FaithHope]

Hello LT.
Thank you for keeping me company.
I have been driving around town lately. Yesterday, I was out and about for 4hrs.
My family and friends don't know what exactly going on. I kept it that way as I refused to explain to them my situation. I can't hide my disappointment.. they'll notice it.

Right now, I don't feel like leaving. Besides it's already evening here, I will have to past by him to get out the house. I guess, I don't want him seeing me upset. There's no point to it anymore.

I'm thinking of perhaps staying with my friends tomorrow after work though.

I'm waiting for him to get accepted to a job out of town. He's in the second interview now. As well as getting approve for a program he applied to.

It should not be difficult for me to move out because we don't have children but boy, this is extremely difficult.

How did you overcome it LT and how long did it take you to finally made your final move?

[Longterm]

Thank you for keeping me company.

It's fine, I can see your upset.

I'm thinking of perhaps staying with my friends tomorrow after work though. 

That sounds like a great idea, i would recommend spending time with friends/family as much as possible. At some point you will have to tell them what's going on but it's your choice when that happens.

It should not be difficult for me to move out because we don't have children but boy, this is extremely difficult. 

It's a blessing that theres no children to displace. Yes it is difficult. You may find things will become easier once you have moved.

  How did you overcome it LT and how long did it take you to finally made your final move?

I'm still trying to overcome it, day by day. I did not make the final move, she did.

LT.

[FaithHope]

Hello LT.. I read some of your postings. I'm sorry you have it even rougher. Here I was complaining about my little challenges.

I admire that you still have the time to share you wisdom. Just so you know your time and replies made me feel better.

I stop listening to the recordings now and I overheard their conversations again.

In the past, I would have go down and defend myself but I will just make it worst.

I'm mad what I'm hearing right now as he's telling his version of truth which is exaggerated and incomplete. It's maddening how much lies are being told and of course the other party is believing it. But when he talks to me, he seems like sincere. Boy, I have been a fool for years. It's a difficult pill to swallow.

I really need to leave soon. And will have to start a T.

[Longterm]

Hi Faith.

Hello LT.. I read some of your postings. I'm sorry you have it even rougher. Here I was complaining about my little challenges. 
 

The way I see it is we are all suffering, you talk about the difficulties you are having all you want, we can all relate.

I admire that you still have the time to share you wisdom. Just so you know your time and replies made me feel better.
 

I'm happy to hear you are feeling better.

I stop listening to the recordings now and I overheard their conversations again.

In the past, I would have go down and defend myself but I will just make it worst.

I'm mad what I'm hearing right now as he's telling his version of truth which is exaggerated and incomplete. It's maddening how much lies are being told and of course the other party is believing it. But when he talks to me, he seems like sincere. Boy, I have been a fool for years. It's a difficult pill to swallow.  

Many of us here can relate to how this can make us feel, it really is a horrible feeling but I think it's important to remember that you have your own truth too Faith. Try to rise above it if possible and look at the bigger picture. I can relate to feeling like a fool, and yes it is a hard pill to swallow but there is hope and a future for you beyond this.

I really need to leave soon. And will have to start a T. 

I would try and concentrate on this if that is what you feel you need to do. A T will be a good start. I only went at the very beginning when it was something I should of really carried on with. I am recently back in T and I can see how it's going to help me. Is there anybody you can talk to besides your family about the problems you are having? It can make a huge difference to have a go to person besides a support group 

LT.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Faith,
I was married to a serial infidelitor and it was very painful to know about all his indiscretions.  

Why I put up with it as long as I did? Habit, hope that he would change, belief that he truly loved me, fear of being alone, etc.

Finally, I had to see him for who he truly was, rather than who he said he was, and I realized that I didn't like that reality and that I deserved better.

Therapy can help you understand why you've put up with being treated poorly and knowing that, you can change and choose people who treat you well.

Cat

[FaithHope]

Thank you Cat

It's a shame to see him this way. When he's sober, you can hardly see the BPD in him. It's almost like he has two complete opposite personalities.

Right now, I am convinced that I want to move on. I may sound ridiculous to say.. I'm hoping that he will have someone soon to take care of himself. He's still in the dating stage.

It felt like I need to pass on my obligations to someone. But I was hoping that we could settle everything properly so I don't have to worry about him. I want to leave and not look back. Being a caretaker, I enable him. He calls me every time when he's in trouble or sad. I don't want to play that role anymore. I want to pass on this responsibilities.

For so long, I also been hoping for us to get better. The help books/vidoes made me realize I can only make myself better and what we have at the beginning is now gone. The journey is still painful.

With no doubt, we still have strong feelings for each other. We do still love each other. But it's not enough to bring us back together or to put up with each other for any longer.

Just now, he called me at work that I don't live in the house anymore, I refused and I insisted. He's not in his right frame of mind right now. He completely ignored the fact he can't keep the house on his own and it will put us both in a bad situation. We need to do the separation right, when he's sober. Right now, there's no sense in arguing.

Oh, he changed the house locks. We'll see how it goes when I get "home". I was emotional earlier and shed tears, I hope I won't have tears left so I can face him with a brave face.

When he sober up, I know he will be so ashamed and embarrassed of his actions.

I also have called our employee help center to find me a T that specializes for our type of personalities. I'm hoping to get a good one.

...This is an uphill battle!

[WitzEndWife]

Fellow codie here. I can say I'm really reactive and defensive when I feel insulted, but I'm learning to be more mindful and control my reactions. Not every battle is worth it. And most insults, especially with our BPD spouses, bear no truth.

FaithHope, reading all of these posts and being from an outside perspective, I can see a lot of focus on him: what he's doing, his love interests, what he's saying, etc. You're rotating your whole universe around him, and the things he says and does can make or break you. You aren't centered around yourself: what you need, what you want out of life. I used to do this 100 percent of the time. I was so focused on the world around me, I wasn't very in tune with myself.

Journaling has been very helpful, and also meditating or taking time to be "self absorbed." What I mean there is, taking the time away from my uBPDh, my work, and anything demanding of me or stressful, and just indulging in things that I enjoy. Sometimes that's taking a walk by myself, which I do several times a week, listening to a podcast, taking a drive, going window shopping, taking a bath, or going to yoga. Sometimes it's just watching a tv show or a movie with my headphones on. I tune into myself and appreciate being with me and doing what I want. It's very calming and helps me to de-stress.

While codies are often victims of abusive relationships, they are also simultaneously controlling. I have made desperate attempts to control my spouse to keep him from rejecting me. On some level, the hyper-vigilance toward a BPD spouse is also a means of control, of keeping tabs on a situation. What would happen if you let go of what he did, whom he was talking to, where he was sleeping? What would happen if you just went about your day doing things for yourself, thinking about what you wanted, instead of worrying about him. How would you feel if you could let go of that anxiety, that worry?

This is rough stuff, but self discovery is so important. For myself, I've started turning the tables and trying to take the focus off of my husband, and put it back on me. It is not easy, especially living with him, but every day I become more in tune with myself. And the more in tune with yourself you are, eventually the more the BPDs cut out the attention seeking behavior. I'm not as reactive with him, even though every day he tries to poke the bear by making fun of me in some way or being condescending. He eventually gives up when I don't react the way he wants me to. The more you focus on yourself, the less you'll care about his bad behavior. He won't be able to get to you. And that will be good for you and for him.

[FaithHope]

Thank you WitzEndWife,

I'm crying again. This day have been a downer day.

You're right. It's all about him. How did you do it? I'm having difficulties.

We talked earlier and we already agreed to move ahead with the divorce.

Just few minutes ago. Our roommate was locked outside since he changed the door locks. He was talking on the phone with music playing loud. I got out of my room and ask him to open the door for our roommate. He thought I was talking about the sound volume. Came back to the bedroom and still he hasn't open the door. I had to say it multiple times and I got impatient..pull out a towel so I can open it myself.

When I came back the room, I heard him yelling (so the other party can hear it) "this is your last day here! You better know it!" Masculine syndrome.

Well, I lost my temper. I had enough of it. Went back out and just had it.

In the past, I used to just cry in the corner or drive out. The last move I had.. I had to pick up my clothes outside the house. It was humiliating. I'm reliving my father's experienced when his clothes were being thrown outside. I was so down then. I swore I never come back again. But I did.

This time, I am determined to only move in my own terms. I stand my ground. I want to live when I have a place to stay and we both will not be in a terrible financial situation.

Neither of us can afford the house on our own. So I told him that. I have no problem leaving..make sure you have no problem losing this house (his dream house) as well .

This ups and downs are exhausting..
I admire everyone that are able to get past this. I don't think I can make it any longer.

I don't completely understand why it bothers me soo much if he talks bad about me to other people. He said he also did say good things about me but I don't believe him.

BPD's memory is selective and they tend to want people's sympathy.

BPD hurt a lot of families.. the pwBPD is the most affected by it, they don't even know it.

[WitzEndWife]

That sounds really tough to live with, FaithHope. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds heartbreaking.

Let me ask you: since you're not willing to move out of the house yet, how can you make the situation more tolerable for you? What do you need to at least be able to feel centered and in control of your emotions?

It seems like your almost-ex doesn't have a lot of respect for you and he enjoys, clearly, causing drama and whipping you up. What would happen if you were able to work on remaining calm and still, and not letting him get to you in the way that he does? Is he actually able to kick you out or do you have a legal right to stay put? If you have a legal right to stay put, there's nothing he can do. If he throws your clothes out of the house, you can call the police. A divorce attorney will be able to hold him accountable for any damages he causes of your property. You don't even have to be dramatic about it. If he threatens to do it, you can say, "Sure, you can try doing that, but you will be held accountable for any damage you cause to my belongings." And, if he does such things, the police are likely to make HIM leave, not you. You actually have the upper hand here and all you need to do is to calmly instruct him of the consequences of his actions. Most BPDs stop short when you bring up accountability or police involvement. The tantrums are mainly to get your attention, not to call outside attention to their disordered behavior.

If I were you, I'd really try to focus on doing what I could to avoid reacting or being sucked into his nonsense. Journal, read a book, find a hobby. Take the focus off of him and put it back into your center. Meditation really helps with this and can greatly help with the anxiety you have.

Someone once told me about the "grey rock" technique, which is basically to be as boring and bland as you can in your reactions to the BPD person. You can even physically wear grey clothing to get into "character," so to speak. Be the opposite of what you would normally be. Focus on not reacting with any expression. I do this a lot when my husband tries to bring up politics to me (BIG point of fighting between us). He purposefully makes a statement to upset me, "Did you hear about the most recent Presidential poll? Looks like YOUR side is going to be REALLY disappointed in 2020!" - then he looks at me with an impish grin, waiting for my reaction. The best thing I can do there, is go, "Oh, okay" and flatline my expression. He usually elaborates and tries a few more times to engage me, but then drops it if I stay flatlined. This is SO SO hard for me because he knows just what to say and do to get under my skin. He is a master at this. But the more I stay calm and boring, the less he tries to bother me with that stuff.

Progress isn't linear and this is not an easy endeavor, by any means, but you absolutely can get a handle on this situation if you want to. It depends on what you really want out of life.

[FaithHope]

Thank you WitzEndWife for your quick response and advise.  I truly appreciate it. It helps me see a different angle in my situation.

Let me ask you: since you're not willing to move out of the house yet, how can you make the situation more tolerable for you? What do you need to at least be able to feel centered and in control of your emotions?

What I have been doing so far is reading and listening a lot about BPD, caretaker & Codependency topics. I also listen to meditation music and hypnosis for helping cope up with Codependency. When I come home, I have less interaction with my uBPDxh and less time at the kitchen. I think he hated this. I work late sometimes or visit friends so I come home late. uBPDxh called me sometimes just to ensure I'm okay and safe. I don't response, I just cried as I'm sad and I know he cares about me. I also tried the grey rock technique. It's actually working.

Few things that trouble me right now.
- I straggle to be consistent on my new ways to be center
- I'm very analytical, so I straggle to deal with my own mind to stop overthinking
- I easily offended and affected with someone talk negative about me. Specially when I think that I have given more than what I could've imagine. I guess, it comes from growing up to try to be and act as a good person and be a good model for my nieces and nephews. I guess I have high expectations of myself and therefore it takes a while for me to forgive myself if I made a mistake.
- I tried to cover up uBPDxh for his wrong doings. I'm so forgiving when it comes to him. In all honesty, he only acts disrespectful when I lose my patience (I have a bad temper too) and when he's drinking. He is so respectful and sensible when he's sober. While he's sober, I feel SO guilty for the acts and words that I said against him. So I pampered him with care to sooth me, I guess. I have difficulty making sense of these two completely opposite personalities.  This morning he came talked to me and buried his soul to me.. telling me all the bad things that he's done. He was sincerely sorry. I wasn't responsive to him as I used to.. I just acknowledged what he's saying with no further comments. But deep inside I was sad and sorry too.
- The reason, I'm okay for him to find another person because I can't give him what he needs. I'm not active with our sex life and I lost my interest. I felt exhausted. So when he's sober, I thought this is my break, less stress, I feel I have a partner and I just enjoy my own time.  He is very active and I understand it is his need. We are not in the same level in this field.  I play a role of a mother in our relationship.

Aside from telling the other party my negative side, he also make things clear to them (I overheard this as well) to respect and accept my presence as his life as bestfriend. He is persistent this way. In the past, I was okay with this arrangement, but now I prefer to have minimum to no links with him, just so I can recover fully
- He feels lonely most of the time and he needs to talk to somebody all the time. Whoever gets his attention at odd hours will get his love. I cannot do this anymore. Very exhausting
- I can be prideful. I show that I am strong and don't ask for help

Is he actually able to kick you out or do you have a legal right to stay put? If you have a legal right to stay put, there's nothing he can do. If he throws your clothes out of the house, you can call the police.

We both have legal rights to stay. I was just emotionally weak in the past and experienced strong self pity. This is from my childhood. Involving the police will just make the situation worst. I tried this in the past. I don't like it myself. I think he gets it now that I will only leave in my terms as soon as we both be in a clear with our finances.

Most BPDs stop short when you bring up accountability or police involvement. The tantrums are mainly to get your attention, not to call outside attention to their disordered behavior.

Generally, he is sensible even when he's drinking. I can talk him out of something. I tried it again last night and we're okay. As soon as I take things personally and I reacted and I stayed for arguments, that's when things go south. I have already made clear last night that I'm quitting my involvement with his business. We built it up together. Right now, I'm just emotionally vulnerable.

If I were you, I'd really try to focus on doing what I could to avoid reacting or being sucked into his nonsense. Journal, read a book, find a hobby. Take the focus off of him and put it back into your center. Meditation really helps with this and can greatly help with the anxiety you have.

I didn't grew up writing journals. I however, started doing it when my friend advised me to. Why am I concern about writing my feelings in the journal? I worried that when the police or someone will read it they will automatically charge him. I don't want this burden. This is why I hardly keep a journal. I burn the ones I wrote.

Someone once told me about the "grey rock" technique, which is basically to be as boring and bland as you can in your reactions to the BPD person.

This works I know, I just have to get more practice to keep doing it and not lose my temper. I guess once I have my time with T it will get better. I have nobody to express my thoughts except here.  Thank you so much for this opportunity!

Progress isn't linear and this is not an easy endeavor, by any means, but you absolutely can get a handle on this situation if you want to. It depends on what you really want out of life.

You're absolutely right. I "think" I know now what I want but I have fear if I can make it through in one piece.. mentally, emotionally... I find my faith helps me keep it together. Even my faith sometimes is being tested.  I'm struggling. I admire those who have kids and yet able to keep it together. I should be able to do it.. I should not be struggling this bad. Some had it worst. The more I wrote my thoughts here, the more I see myself a whiner.

Nevertheless, I am thankful for all your input and your time reading my thoughts.
THANK YOU!

[WitzEndWife]

How are you doing today, FaithHope? I hope you're well.

Its so interesting how we spend so much time centering our world around our BPD partner. Do you notice how everything you consider for yourself is couched in considering him first? I have been working on detaching from that, but it is very, very tough. Notice you've avoided journaling not because you don't want to do it, but because you're concerned that police could read it and charge your H with a crime. When I first read this, I think, "Gee, that sounds like a highly unlikely scenario," but also, say something like that did happen. Did your H commit a crime? Why would you protect him from facing the consequences of his actions? You don't have children, as you said. Why is it your responsibility to protect him?

If you want to journal, why not start with writing out your perfect day, filled with you doing 100 percent of what you want. Pretend you're free from the consequences of his BPD. What would you do differently and how would that day be different from your days under his control?

I'll start with an example here. How would my perfect Saturday go? I would probably sleep in, followed by going to the farmer's market. Following that, I'd take the dogs on a hike if it wasn't too hot, and I'd spend the afternoon writing. In the evening, I'd probably try to spend time with some friends or go see a movie, and I'd have both wine and ice cream.

If I get a couple of things done off of that "ideal" list, I consider that a win for me. Nowadays I can accomplish quite a bit off of my lists.

I suggest you spend some time checking in with yourself and seeing what would be possible if you didn't have to face his wrath or control.

[FaithHope]

How are you doing today, FaithHope? I hope you're well.

Hello WitzEndWife.. good to hear back from you! Things seem better with us at home. Decent conversation. I find myself calmer. I practiced the advise I got from the books I read. Like try not to take it personally. What they say don't reflect on you but on themselves. And they have a 2yo emotions. And if I remind myself that they have emotional and mental issues I don't seem to react as much on the words and actions that have been done. I still find it difficult though, but there was less yelling so far and I don't gave in as much as I've used to. It's a slow progress but I'm moving forward.

Its so interesting how we spend so much time centering our world around our BPD partner. Do you notice how everything you consider for yourself is couched in considering him first?

I sure did. No wonder It was exhausting!

Did your H commit a crime? Why would you protect him from facing the consequences of his actions? You don't have children, as you said. Why is it your responsibility to protect him?

No he hasn't commit any crime at all. It's all in my head to protect my love ones. It is my second nature. I rarely speak ill about my love ones as I felt very guilty and that I felt I am betraying them. Even after I said bad words and accusations to them, I felt so terrible. This is the hardest change I'm going through.

I always thing ahead. I don't seem to live in the present. I always think, precaution is better than cure. So anything I do that may have even a slight implication that can affect or put my love ones in possible trouble with anybody, I hesitate doing it. It is a terrible habit, I know.

If you want to journal, why not start with writing out your perfect day, filled with you doing 100 percent of what you want. Pretend you're free from the consequences of his BPD. What would you do differently and how would that day be different from your days under his control?

I like this idea, I will do it this way from now on. I'm stepping out right now to buy a journal. Thank you!

Have a great weekend!

Thanks again! This is good!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

This thread has reached it's posting limit. The discussion continues here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338558.0