Uncertain if I can hack it with this BP

[MiseryMarriage#3]

I'm here because I'm really struggling in my marriage with a BP.  I have always been in the role of a caregiver so I was the perfect fit for him.  I've accepted a lot of things that come along with this mental health issue.  However, he is also a recovering alcoholic.  He went 18 months, and now suddenly the lying and drinking are happening again with alarming frequency.  His word means nothing.  He pushes the boundaries, sets up no win situations.  For example, he lies that he has not been drinking when I know he is drunk.  No matter what I do to encourage honesty and that it's okay to struggle / fall short, he defends himself... that is until I find the evidence, then it's "busted".  He apologize, says he will never do it again, then a week, two weeks, a month later, he does it again.  I can't live with the lying.  I'm on the verge of giving up and saying you know what... people with mental health issues still have choices.  He is not committed to the marriage or working on it.  My mom is bipolar and schizophrenic, yet she still make good choices to take meds, follow a routine, etc.  What do I do?  I can't make him change or want to change.  And what would even be a hallmark when life is shrouded in the negative dark cloud of BPD?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi MiseryMarriage#3!
I'm glad you have found us even though it's not under happy circumstances. I hope you continue to read and write here, we're lots of members here to listen and support.

Your situation is hard, BPD and alcoholism, I see why you're struggling.
How long have you been married?

You ask what you can do. There are things you can do, actions and tools to learn that can make the situation better for you.

Warlmly
Scarlet

[MiseryMarriage#3]

I've been married for 1 year. 

[loyalwife]

 
   Has your husband ever been to treatment? There are so many great programs, inpatient as well as outpatient. Does he go to meetings or has he ever?  Final question  Have you considered going to Al-Anon?
   Getting him sober is important. Get help for yourself if he isn't willing.
    You have come to the right place, and people here care.
     

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi again, thank you for coming back. I see why you're struggling If I understand correctly he wasn't drinking when you got married, but now the problem has surfaced again. When he stopped drinking, did he go to AA or therapy or had any sort of outside support? Would he be willing to go (back) do you think? Usually, in professional settings they would first address the drinking problem before going into any emotional instabilities or disorders.

Do you have any outside support, like a minister, a therapist, Al Anon or CoDA meetings? It can be helpful just to have someone validate you and see that your experiences are traumatic. 

I can't make him change or want to change.

That's 100% true. Any change has to come from him, he has to be internally motivated to be able to make changes. It can happen, but you unfortunately don't have much control over it.

In the meantime, while things are hard, I would urge you to work on boundaries. What we refer to as boundaries, are not the same as limits or ultimatums. Boundaries are deciding what you think is the right behaviour in a situation and then take action if that doesn't happen. Boundaries are for you, and need not even be communicated to your husband. You can read more about it here. Maybe have a look and come back with your thoughts on it?

Scarlet

[LoneRanger307]

That sounds like a really hard situation. I can only share that I have found 12-step programs to be really helpful with understanding and figuring out how to respond to my BPD. I attend Codependents Anonymous, but I believe AlAnon holds to very similar principles.

[MiseryMarriage#3]

Thanks to all for your input.  Seems like the main message is get support for me so I feel validated.  I sure don't get validation from him as often as I would like. 

No, he was an alcoholic before I married him.  He stopped drinking (2 years this November) but keeps going back about once a month to put his toes in the water.  And maybe that's normal.  Right now he seems to be on the sobriety kick.  The only way I seem to be winning that battle is that I don't drink a drop of alcohol.  If I did, he would surely use it against me as an excuse that "you do it."  Oh, no.  I don't play that game.  I have the willpower. 

He has a host of symptoms that make it hard to stick to anything (ADHD, social anxiety, etc).  He works 2 jobs, so making time for much outside of that is a challenge.  We have been in marriage counseling for several months.  He went to Celebrate Recovery a couple of times.  I'm always looking for outlets... for both of us.  Generally, he is getting used to someone who holds him accountable for every syllable.  Trying not to allow him to eat me alive emotionally.  Lying is a trigger for me and since reading more posts I am starting to see it goes with the territory.  It's stupid stuff sometimes. 

I believe that they may be wired differently but still have choices.  Free will.  I will not accept lying and raging.  We have an agreement in place that if he drinks or rages he spends 1 night away from home 1st time, 1 week 2nd time, and 1 month the 3rd.  After that done...as in divorce.  Being a parent must suck when you have uphold consequences that sometimes feel like consequences to you too.  I don't know.  I'm just doing my best in a difficult situation.  I'll keep reading.  Learning.  Once you understand what someone is feeling/thinking/going through it's easier to have empathy.  But since BPDs are from what seems to be another planet, that is a long grueling learning curve. 

[once removed]

Being a parent must suck when you have uphold consequences that sometimes feel like consequences to you too

the sorts of consequences and limits that one applies to parenting a child can be destructive in a romantic relationship.

We have an agreement in place that if he drinks or rages he spends 1 night away from home 1st time, 1 week 2nd time, and 1 month the 3rd.  After that done...as in divorce.

is this realistic - what constitutes a rage? are you prepared to follow through?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

How are you today?

[MiseryMarriage#3]

Scarlet Phoenix Thank you for asking and checking in.  I see there are different boards and rules.  I hope to scrounge through the different boards/rules soon.  Hard to find what you are looking for like a labyrinth of information.  I am doing OK.  He's having a good week.  In these times, I try to really ride the wave and recharge. 

To the other person who said something about the boundaries and willing to back it up, yes.  When you are writing (err. typing) it's hard to put a clear picture out there.  It's like bits and pieces of someone's life and situation.  But I understand what you are saying.  I have been working with a counselor to bring us to more of an "equals" state, but when someone comes out of 2 decades of drinking they pretty much are the age emotionally that they began masking their emotions with alcohol and/or drugs.  Yes, the goal is equals and those kind of related boundaries and getting away from parent/child style.  Trust me, he has come a LONG WAYS.  But we are talking years of sobriety and counseling to get there.  In the meantime, I try to work with him where he is at.  For example, when he first came out of the fog of alcohol, reward worked really well.  Then, the more he grew independent the less he cared because he can go do those things for himself...take it or leave it.  Progress.  He is a high functioning borderline and nowhere near the level that I read in some of these posts.  He is very self aware of what we call "the BPs" and that there's things swirling around in his head that are not healthy or average.  The counselor is helping us get to an equals scenario, but for the time being he is in a high stakes consequence place of motivation.  Yes, I have kicked him out 3 times in our 3 years and even called the cops on him which led to his forced sobriety.  I didn't get nicknames like the nutcracker and the honey badger for nothing (just a little humor   ).  I mean what I say and say what I mean.  However, I also know God's love, grace, forgiveness and when to apply the heat versus when I see in his eyeballs that he is "getting it".  I started in this just trying to help a friend.  Had NO idea what was underneath the alcohol.  NO IDEA!   I know this is a long explanation but I feel very strongly about the need for consequences for ongoing stuff that crosses my bottom line.  My bottom line is you don't yell, scream, and go off on a blame fest/rant that resembles an angry child's temper tantrum.  And why that is so important is because it triggers my anger issues, so unless we both want to end up on the wrong side of the law, I can't have someone screaming at me in close quarters.  He knows.  This morning he almost lost it over the way his creamer was bubbling up in his coffee mug.  I could see it.  Helped him fix it.  Let me tell you, though, he thought twice.  Does that not sound child-like?  Jeez oh criminy.  I guess I do have that going for me... he is self aware.  But the same way an alcoholic sometimes gives into the urge to drink, sometimes he gives into the uncontrolled emotions.  Other bottom line is drinking / getting drunk behind my back.  His dad taught him that one.  His mom is a doormat.  That's a lifetime of programming to undo and it ain't easy!  He started last week and this week being honest with me about his urges, so yeah, it does work.  But you do have to be willing to back it up.  Sometimes hard consequences are saving grace to some fool who ain't getting it... mental illness or not.  Prime example, my mother who is bipolar schizophrenic having a full blown nervous breakdown in a mental hospital refusing to take meds to the point of the hospital seeking court orders in her best interest "understands" my Mexican standoff.  I told her and the hospital no contact until she is willing to cooperate with medical staff.  Weeks then a month, then a phone call to me telling me OKAY, she is willing and going to do what's best to get back in her right state of mind.  I have learned from a small child that there's a lot of smoke and mirrors to the manipulation tactics and whoever has the stronger will prevails.  The difference is that I have her and his best interest at heart.  Sometimes I do implement consequences that are not equal, but I am not willing to let him or her walk over my bottom line.  Been there.  Done that.  Doesn't help anyone including them. 

[once removed]

any update? how is it going?