So, the next move...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Some of you may have checked out the threads and/or know some of my background story. After some recent events, I decided that I want to have my custody order modified. I current reside in the same state as my ex, Utah.

My son suffers from delays in the speech department. He is almost 2.5 years old and doesn't even speak in simple sentences, let alone having a sizable vocabulary. My ex has not been truthful when I inquired her about our kid's progress. She also claimed that the school district did not contact her in regards to this matter after I requested them to contact her.

The problem stems from the fact that my ex has sole custody. This was due to the fact that we weren't married and our baby was premature (~8 weeks).

There are several things in our court order that prevent us from being effective co-parents (not that you can successfully do so even with a favorable judgment).

1. Mutual restraining order that prevents us from seeing each other face to face.

This leads to proxy by her mom. She was the person I met initially when it came to medical expenses, etc. My ex has never participated in picking up or dropping off our kid.

2. Speaking of pick up, she does not share transportation cost and time. She makes me pick up and drop off because the order doesn't specify us to do so. The judge, of course, expected us to share the burden.

3. Since I don't have any custody, she's also free to exclude me from doctor's appointments, etc. The order only mentions school events, which I could not be excluded from.

Since she is still operating under the "I fear for my life when it comes to Leonis" deal, her family justifies the barrier of communication. All these will be toppled. I am tired of my ex's mom trying to control everything. I am tired of my ex avoiding me and not even attempting to act like an adult.

There are several things I will have to do.

1. Consult attorney and build my case around "bad communication", which is now affecting treating our son's speech skills.
2. Provide history and context of how my ex and her family did not cooperate with me, but instead attacked me
3. Requests specific wording, so my ex cannot use the convenient excuse of "the law does not say I have to do x, y, and z." The judge's expectations will be written down word for word.
4. Find out, via private detectives or whatever, if my ex truly lives with her parents as she claims. There is no reason why she should have sole custody and the current amount of child support if she does not live with our child for the minimum amount of days listed in the statutes, which defines the custody arrangements.
5. Revisit with the school district and let them bring me a paper trial and evidence of contacting my ex.
6. Go to therapist offered by my employment (for free) to get some peace of mind.

Anyways, bummed out that I will have to spend money, but it needs to be done. She crossed the line by not being an effective communicator in an obvious problem involving our child.

[Leonis]

Some of you may have checked out the threads and/or know some of my background story. After some recent events, I decided that I want to have my custody order modified. I current reside in the same state as my ex, Utah.

My son suffers from delays in the speech department. He is almost 2.5 years old and doesn't even speak in simple sentences, let alone having a sizable vocabulary. My ex has not been truthful when I inquired her about our kid's progress. She also claimed that the school district did not contact her in regards to this matter after I requested them to contact her.

The problem stems from the fact that my ex has sole custody. This was due to the fact that we weren't married and our baby was premature (~8 weeks).

There are several things in our court order that prevent us from being effective co-parents (not that you can successfully do so even with a favorable judgment).

1. Mutual restraining order that prevents us from seeing each other face to face.

This leads to proxy by her mom. She was the person I met initially when it came to medical expenses, etc. My ex has never participated in picking up or dropping off our kid.

2. Speaking of pick up, she does not share transportation cost and time. She makes me pick up and drop off because the order doesn't specify us to do so. The judge, of course, expected us to share the burden.

3. Since I don't have any custody, she's also free to exclude me from doctor's appointments, etc. The order only mentions school events, which I could not be excluded from.

Since she is still operating under the "I fear for my life when it comes to Leonis" deal, her family justifies the barrier of communication. All these will be toppled. I am tired of my ex's mom trying to control everything. I am tired of my ex avoiding me and not even attempting to act like an adult.

There are several things I will have to do.

1. Consult attorney and build my case around "bad communication", which is now affecting treating our son's speech skills.
2. Provide history and context of how my ex and her family did not cooperate with me, but instead attacked me
3. Requests specific wording, so my ex cannot use the convenient excuse of "the law does not say I have to do x, y, and z." The judge's expectations will be written down word for word.
4. Find out, via private detectives or whatever, if my ex truly lives with her parents as she claims. There is no reason why she should have sole custody and the current amount of child support if she does not live with our child for the minimum amount of days listed in the statutes, which defines the custody arrangements.
5. Revisit with the school district and let them bring me a paper trial and evidence of contacting my ex.
6. Go to therapist offered by my employment (for free) to get some peace of mind.

Anyways, bummed out that I will have to spend money, but it needs to be done. She crossed the line by not being an effective communicator in an obvious problem involving our child.

[GaGrl]

Leonis, it sounds as if you've put a lot of thought into paying out your plan.

The one question I have is whether you can build your custody change around "father participating in son's medical needs" rather than "communication problems." That way , the communication changes become part of the plan to ensure that the medical needs are met by both parents -- remove the restraining order after 3 years,set up joint legal custody that includes medical and educational participation and decision-making, and as you say, get very, very specific on things like pick-up and drop-off, holidays, vacations, etc.

Thoughts?

[zachira]

Leonis,
Your situation with your son saddens me and warms my heart at the same time. It means the world to your son to have you involved and will make such a difference in what kind of life your son has now and in the future, having a caring father involved. Other parents who have had/have similar custody challenges to yours will soon post and support you in helping you to get better custody arrangements for your son.

[Leonis]

Leonis, it sounds as if you've put a lot of thought into paying out your plan.

The one question I have is whether you can build your custody change around "father participating in son's medical needs" rather than "communication problems."

Thoughts?

That makes better sense. Participating in son's medical needs because the mother is unwilling to communicate what is going on. Thanks for that.

Does that have to be after 3 years or is it possible to do so before that given the circumstances?

Other parents who have had/have similar custody challenges to yours will soon post and support you in helping you to get better custody arrangements for your son.

I sure hope others will share some insights into the journey I'm about to embark on.

[Leonis]

I did have consultation with an attorney from the law firm my coworker referred me to.

I prepared a package and let the attorney read over.

The bad news is, I would have to go through custody review, which will cost a fortune. The good news is, at least someone thinks I have a chance.

One of the other highlights during this session was the attorney's comment when reading about my ex's defaming claims to our child's first pediatrician.

She pointed out that, in her experience, mothers who do that sort of things tend to have some deep-rooted issues in the past. And she wasn't talking about my ex and I, but my ex's past.

The firm should mail me more info on Monday in terms of contract.

The attorney also advised me to let my ex know that she should do her share of pickup and drop off of our child. While I like the advice, I would rather not alert my ex at this time. I want to be on the offensive instead of her preemptively serve me first and I wind up having to defend my position. I would much rather have her answer to my claims.

I'm ready for this long battle. Maybe.

[Longterm]

Speaking of pick up, she does not share transportation cost and time.

I can empathize with this, and a lot you are concerned about.

I have no knowledge of family law that side of the pond, but just wanted to say good luck mate in however you proceed 

[ForeverDad]

I feel for your predicament.  I was still married when I asked my son's pediatrician whether he might be a little delayed in speech and perhaps a bit of autism, often didn't look me in the eye.  He saw the conflict in the marriage.

In elementary school he read word by word until the middle of 3rd grade, then it all clicked and he could read by sentences.  I finally gained custody and majority time since he was 12 years old, so the conflict lessened and now he has every appearance of being a normal 17 year old.

[GaGrl]

It's good that you want to address the speech delays eatly.

I will say that we were concerned about our grandfather's speech delays. She is now 3 years, 3 months and speakers by in sentences. Her mom is an adopted niece of DH's ex, and our HE was learning both English and Thai -- I have to wonder if the bilingual approach delayed the English speech development. I'm amazed and impressed at the way HE can already differentiate English from Thai vocabulary and speech patterns!