Holidays and drama

[StillHopeful73]

So it’s been a fantastically quiet few weeks. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress as my dad was recently put in a care facility for his dementia/Parkinson’s and we have been all trying to adjust to that. My ex has been not only quiet but has been in such happy moods that I was certain something was up or he was on proper medication. But as usual, I let my guard down so when something did happen it really hits me hard anxiety-wise.

My ex had mentioned maybe doing something with our daughter on the Monday of our long weekend. It was my weekend. He mentioned this on Friday so I waited for him to send a proposed plan. Right...what was I thinking? So I didn’t  hear anything by yesterday (Sunday) and thought I was in the clear as sometimes he just disappears. He sent an email that afternoon asking if he was going to see his daughter the next day. I responded that I hadn’t heard from him so assumed it wasn’t a go but he could take her from mid-morning to 2pm as we had plans. No response until 10am that morning saying he was at the coffee shop but I was mowing the lawn so didn’t see it right away. He showed up at my place at 10:20am and sprayed me with my hose as he said he was yelling at me but I couldn’t hear him. I asked him if we could please plan these things in advance as last minute doesn’t work well. So my daughter went with him to the trampoline park. He dropped her off on time.

When he dropped her off he said that it wasn’t last minute and that he had said on Friday he might want to do something with her on Monday. He said not to speak to him like that again and that he gave lots of notice. So most of the time I’m pretty good at disengaging. Today not so much. Whether it was because I’m sick of the rollercoaster ride he puts me on or that I’m just angry at the world as I’m on day 7 of a Keto type cleanse , he just pushed the wrong buttons.

I told him that all I’ve asked repeatedly was for notice. He started getting more angry and yelling so I told him to get off my property and we would handle via email to which he said call the police. I almost went to get my bf but decided against it as he would likely pummel him which would not be appropriate.  I said sufficient notice to plan these things wasn’t a couple of days and certainly not the day before. His response was it certainly was. He said a few times how I made communication difficult constantly and recorded our conversation. He said he would never join that parenting site to communicate. Basically said stop being a head case as he got into his truck and left.

I’m not beating up on myself too much as I’m going to have the odd bad day but I’m still upset I handled it that way. Our neighbours were outside and heard it all. I’m so embarrassed! But honestly I’m sick of him being a bully.

He later followed this up with an email saying to look at our emails and that he spoke about it Friday. Got a couple of jabs in and said holidays are his too and we should be splitting them.

So this is where I’m confused. When I looked it up online most ex’s do split holidays but there is nothing in our court order specifying holidays aside from Christmas. If our situation were normal then I’d be open to it but our daughter doesn’t want to go with him right now. Her therapist said not to push it if she doesn’t have to go. In the past he just kind of ignored the holiday Monday’s so it wasn’t an issue. It’s been popping up lately. Not really sure how to handle this?

Since his initial email he sent another nice one asking if we could set up a dr apt for our daughter for a spot on her neck.

I also need to figure out how to handle the anxiety that comes with this. I have a therapist and work on breathing and calming down when this happens, but at the end of our altercation I was really shaking and my heart was beating very fast. That never used to happen.

[Turkish]

You were mowing when he sprayed you? Was that necessary? That could be considered assault. That you feel that he might pummel your boyfriend sounds to me like he and maybe you are at risk for assault and or battery.  

If he had called the police they likely would have told him to leave, though calling is certainly an escalation though you had every right to tell him to stop trespassing.

Holidays are spelled out in the custody stipulation.  Anything else is to be determined between parents.  July 4th, for instance, isn't in my stipulation, just Christmas break, Easter and Halloween.  

Do you have a safety plan? I know kids can be fickle, but does yours overall feel safe with him?

[StillHopeful73]

Thank you Turkish. No, spraying wasn’t necessary but he has a lot of problems with boundaries. He just thought he was being funny.

Sorry, I wasn’t clear. My bf would have pummelled my BPD ex as he has had training in boxing and used to fight in his younger years. My bf has no patience for my ex’s antics and is just waiting for an excuse to beat him up. As much as he boils my blood, that isn’t the answer and I would never want our daughter witnessing something like that. So I just keep their interaction to nothing.

I have no interest in calling the police unless I need to. They hate domestics and I don’t want a label put on our address. Though I have thought about going to the station to see what I should do in these instances. But I’ve mentioned before that my ex assaulted me when we were together 7 years ago so I’m still mindful of that. He has a major problem with regulating his emotions and will go off very easily and very quickly.

So if it’s meant to be decided between parents then I would assume the norm would be often to split them somehow. Our daughter really doesn’t want to go with her dad and hasn’t for awhile so I try to avoid mentioning it to stay under the radar. But he keeps saying it’s his right.

What’s so frustrating is on his last weekend he was sick with a cold. He asked if she could stay overnight with me as he didn’t want to get her sick. He gave up his fri night then saw her the next day at the coffee shop for an hour then left. On the Sunday he was well enough to bike 20 min to see her at the park but then left after an hour to go biking. I’m thinking...you complain about your time with her and now this is your weekend and you’re too sick to see her yet you can bike around town and hang out at the coffee shop. Argh!

No, we don’t have a safety plan in place but that is a great idea and I’ll talk to her therapist about how to approach it. I really don’t think he would purposely hurt her directly but I am very concerned that one day she will get caught in the crossfire. It would be good to have something in place.

[Turkish]

Yeah, probably wouldn't be good for your BF to pummel. Even if it were legally justified, it would attract attention.  If it's justified though... better to resolve conflicts non-violently unless there is absolutely no other option. I boxed for 7 years. I was by benching over 300 lbs at the time while my "sensei" grinned about how hard I punched, and punched straight, and was quick for a heavyweight. He wasn't one to give out compliments though he still could have cleaned my clock if he wanted to, with 30 years' experience and being ranked. 

I got it in my head that I could seriously hurt someone, so I would use this as an absolute last resort. Otherwise, practice non-violence and conflict resolution.

If you haven't seen it,  this is the site's safety plan.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

[livednlearned]

If your custody order doesn't mention holidays and your daughter doesn't want to go, how do you feel about sticking to the order?

He didn't ask for additional holidays so perhaps he's more interested in doing what he wants when it suits him.

[worriedStepmom]

My ex and I don't split holidays.  The court order specifies a few, and the rest belong to whichever parent is scheduled to have possession that day.

Does your court order specify exactly when your ex has your daughter?  Does it give him leeway to pick, but require a certain amount of notice?  I'd stick to exactly what the court order says.  If he doesn't like it, he can go back to court.

I'm not surprised that you were shaking by the end of the confrontation.  He came to your home.  He sprayed you with a hose - which is a physical assault (not in the legal sense).  He refused to leave, so the place that is usually safe for you was suddenly less so.  I think you should find out what your legal options are.  I discovered Friday that if Sd's mom comes over uninvited I can refuse to answer the door, call the police, and they will escort her from the property without arresting her.  That's my plan for next time.  You need a plan for what happens the next time your ex tries this.

[StillHopeful73]

Thank you everyone for your advice. It is very much appreciated.

I will definitely talk to our daughter about a safety plan when she is with him, but that will be tricky. He is thankfully in the same town as me but he lives in an apartment above a business so I don't know where she would go if anything escalated. She has a phone but she doesn't really know how to use it aside from playing games/Youtube. She is turning 8 in Sept but is a very young 8. I had thought about getting her a watch that she can communicate with me during emergencies but I know he would likely find a way to lose or wreck it, as he has done with other "good" things she has taken along on her time with him. That's why she always wants to leave her "good" things at home when she is with him. I will have to put a lot of thought into that one. I don't know anyone close to his place that I could have her go to in an emergency.

Ok, that is good to know about how others split or don't split holidays. He keeps saying he is entitled to splitting them and that they aren't all mine. My lawyer has said in the past to just go by the court order but since it didn't specify about holidays I've been back and forth on it often. I'm trying to be fair but moreso trying to put her needs first. And as I've said a number of times on this site, I know one day we will end up back in court so I want to make sure I don't do anything to make me look bad and jeopardize my sole custody. She doesn't want to go with him unless they are going somewhere like the trampoline park. And only wants short periods of time and prefers no overnights.

Livednlearned, I'd rather just stick to the order. The funny thing is he keeps telling me he is following the court order but I don't even think he has a copy of it. He asked for it from me some time ago when he was sending me aggressive texts/emails and I told him he has the right to get it through his lawyer. I think he didn't end up paying his lawyer which is why he might not have a copy of it. When I constantly say no to him asking for time with her though I worry (always worrying ) that it makes me look "unreasonable". Even though I know it is in her best interest. And when he is in a "happy" phase it makes it all the more difficult to continuously say no. But you're right, it is always about how it suits him.

WorriedStepmom, our court order is very clear about his time - one mid-night visit and every 2nd weekend from Fri after school to Sun at 430pm. It is the stuff outside of that which gets cloudy (ie holidays, PD Days, special days like last day of school etc.). He (sometimes) wants to be a part of those things and I can understand that but the challenge is that if I give a little he will take a lot. For additional time, it says as agreed upon by both parties. And it just says that he has to give 24 hours notice if he isn't able to make his time.

You're right, I really do need to make a plan for myself. I don't do well when I'm caught off-guard and I get easily frazzled. I will go to the police station soon also and just ask what I should be doing when this occurs again.

As after all of this he switched gears to nice mode and sent me an email last night saying he thinks we should meet monthly to discuss J so that all of these pent-up issues don't come to blow for himself or me like they did yesterday. And let's chat later. I did send him an email today saying that while there is nothing I wish more than for us to be amicable, there seems to be intermittent issues with him lashing out at me (due to sadness or guilt) and that this has become a pattern. I also told him that I didn't want another episode like that again and next time I ask him to leave to please do so since nothing productive comes from those conversations. I haven't heard back yet but I'm sure I will.

[worriedStepmom]

You can't be faulted for sticking to the court order.  That won't make you look bad in court.  However, if you give in to him a lot, that can establish a pattern - a status quo - which then makes it harder for you to go back to the court order.

My ex doesn't have a mental health issue, but we had some contentious times at first.  I stuck strictly to the court order.  After a few years, I gave him a chance - if he could stay reasonable and work with me, I'd be more flexible.  Even so, we only deviate a little bit - swapping weekends occasionally, or changing which night of the week he gets.

With my SD's uBPDmom, H doesn't deviate from the court order at all. She is too entitled.

If your ex doesn't like the order, he can go back to court to see if they will agree to a modification.

[livednlearned]

When I constantly say no to him asking for time with her though I worry (always worrying ) that it makes me look "unreasonable". Even though I know it is in her best interest. And when he is in a "happy" phase it makes it all the more difficult to continuously say no.

It seems like he has created situations in which it makes perfect sense for you to be "unreasonable"

What do you think about swapping out the word "unreasonable" for "setting consistent limits"?

It took me years to learn that my ex had lost the right to receive fair treatment.

Eventually I could see that it was his responsibility to earn back the privilege of having access to our son. He lost that privilege with his behavior.

Recently my son (almost 18) said "I wish you protected me earlier." When I think (with tremendous guilt) about why it took so long I can almost always trace it back to some kind of fear, obligation, guilt (FOG).

If you are worried about a second go-round in court, it might be worth documenting all the times he reached out, the reasonable limits you gave him (let me know by time/day/date), and how he responded (no response then shows up, makes a scene).

He doesn't sound organized. Your documentation will show a pattern of him expecting you to drop everything and his tendency to create escalated interactions when things don't go his way.

[ForeverDad]

Longer holidays often can get split.  A standard one is Christmas Eve (about two days) and Christmas Day (also about two days).  Splitting a single day holiday, not so much.

In parenting schedules the holiday list gets the highest priority, then next comes vacations, and finally the regular schedule.  You are not obligated to make exceptions but think long and hard before allowing them to become commonplace.  Will you get reciprocal time so you aren't always the one gifting time away?  Will ex feel that whenever you allow changes then ex can feel entitled to ask for even more?

Most courts have a default holiday list where parents alternate the holidays one year and then the next year they reverse places so that over the course of two years each parent will have had all holidays.

Be aware that you can't just default to the county's list.  They can list all sorts of holidays that neither you nor the ex observe.  Best to strike those out before allowing them to become official.

I recall my ex demanding to get Kwanzaa one year.  She never had before.  So why then?  Oh, of course, I had given notice of a one week vacation and if she claimed that holiday then my mini trip would be cut even shorter than it already was.  What she did then - and how she explained it in court - turned out to the the first time the court ever noted a reduced "credibility" in her actions and I was given the green light to seek full custody.  Courts usually bend over backwards to view both parents as equally credible.

[StillHopeful73]

Oops. I just realized I entered my daughter's name in a prior response by accident. Is there a way to edit?

Thank you for your replies, worriedStepmom, livednlearned and ForeverDad.

Yes, he does create many situations where I look "unreasonable". Herein lies the problem and my fear of going back to court. He is so incredibly manipulative and will tweak situations so that they are in his favor or make him look better (and me worse). I know I'm more than fair and I can sleep at night knowing that I'm trying to do what's best for our daughter first but also trying to be fair to him. Even though with many of his actions he doesn't deserve it. I know that most people may believe him at first but once they know him, realize what he is all about. But one doesn't have that luxury in court as the judge is trying to be fair and assumes both parties are reasonable. That is my own personal roadblock, I think. I have to stop living in fear of that but don't know how.

I document everything (and I mean everything - emails, past texts, pick up drop off times, when he is late, aggressiveness etc) so that I have it there. But some of it is hearsay (like yesterday's event). And I think some of the issue for me is the psychological crap of having been assaulted by him. I still let him get in my head and I have to stop that. But it is a work in progress.

Your son's response squeezes my heart, livednlearned. I feel like I tried to work through things with my ex far too long and that our daughter's needs got lost in there for awhile. But at least the focus is on her now. And you're right, with all that he's done to our daughter and the rollercoaster he has put both of us on, he really doesn't deserve to be treated fairly. I won't let it take me years to realize that. I just have to keep my focus on that and not let him manipulate me.

No, he isn't organized at all and very all over the place. In fact he asks if I can send him reminders for things (like swimming lessons on his night) so he won't forget. I'm not worried much as to what documentation he keeps although when we have fought he says he has many of my emails stored proving how difficult I am. As it is he says I'm making communication difficult by only emailing.

[StillHopeful73]

So just an update. Since this all happened I have received 16 emails from him. That isn't including the 8 emails he sent when everything happened on Monday. All of them are non-combative and mostly focus around how he is really sick. I just pick and choose the ones that are relevant about our daughter for replies.

Is it common for BPDs to claim they are really ill during times of conflict? He did this about a year ago also when we were arguing and he said he was going to have to have gall bladder surgery and would be out of commission for weeks (it never happened). This past week he apparently has pharyngitis extremely bad and was in emerg and might need his tonsils out.

So here we are again. He was sick 2 weekends ago so saw his daughter I think 3 hours collectively over his weekend. Now he claims to be really sick again and it is his weekend again. He kept asking in his emails "Do you think I shouldn't see her because I'm sick?". In the end he decided at 930am via email this morning that he was well enough to pick her up. He also asked if he can drop her off if he is coughing too much. What the heck am I supposed to say to that when I want her home anyways.

His BPD type actions are at an all-time high right now. Lashing out then nice the next second, attacking me about not giving him enough time with her then ditching his time with her, making plans to do stuff with her and not following through, insulting me and refusing to leave my property. The past week he has been especially all over the map. A couple of weeks ago I noticed he seemed overly happy. Like almost manic happy. I thought maybe he had some good news recently or a new partner, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It just wasn't typical of him.

He and my brother were never close but he has tried texting him occasionally to keep that line open. My brother said most recently my ex told him that he was going to have to lose his phone number because of all of these fraudulent charges he had to pay (ya right) that weren't his fault. The next thing you know he texts my brother a week later and my brother said who is this. When he said "It's K" my brother said "Oh sorry I thought you no longer had that phone number." He never replied to my brother. He can't even keep up with his own lies.  Anyways, my brother did bring something up to me which has had my mind turning. He asked whether my ex ever had issues with drugs since he seems so all over the place and acts similar to one of his friends that used to do drugs. I found out through my BPD ex's ex-fiancee when they broke up that my BPD ex had a bit of trouble with cocaine during their time together. She said he kicked it when she threatened to leave but when I confronted him about it he said that "He was better on it than off." and "I thought that aside from doing cocaine once in awhile I was doing OK in our relationship." Meaning when he was with his ex. This was during one of his occasional text rants when he was feeling badly about life. As far as I was aware he never showed signs of drug use when we were together but who knows. He struggled with alcohol at times but drugs never seemed to be an issue. Since those texts to me some time ago (I have kept them) he claims that was all untrue and he has no issues with drugs.

It is in our court order that he not drink or do drugs withing 24 hours of seeing our daughter. Am I just being paranoid or should I try to pursue this? How can I even? Or is his scattered self and inability to follow through on things and then lash out just part of being BPD?

[livednlearned]

It is in our court order that he not drink or do drugs withing 24 hours of seeing our daughter. Am I just being paranoid or should I try to pursue this? How can I even?

It doesn't sound at all paranoid given what you've pieced together.

Similar language was written in our order. There is no real way to enforce it other than to do well-child checks with law enforcement, unfortunately. You could modify the court order to have random drug testing or have your ex submit to hair testing or something. It took ex's psychotic episode of some type for me to be able to get court's attention on that piece. Ex blamed his behaviors on a combination of different types of pharmaceutical drugs, including ambien, saying he didn't remember what he did. Except it was all documented by him via email, text, phone, DMs. And in the context of his other behaviors, he came across as unhinged. I asked to modify the custody order, putting responsibility on ex to do a bunch of proactive things by a certain deadline in order to gain back visitation. He never did them and I ended up with full custody.

Or is his scattered self and inability to follow through on things and then lash out just part of being BPD?

It's probably both. My ex used substances to help regulate extreme anxiety, and then those substances started to generate anxiety. It's a punishing cycle.

Anything to stop the pain.

[StillHopeful73]

Thank you livednlearned. Aside from his erratic behaviour the past few months, I'm not certain I have enough on him so I could have anything implemented. He's working consistently and he has been living in his apartment since Dec (not in his truck anymore). He has been better at paying child support lately though he is still behind about $7000 from the past 2 years.

His financial situation is especially perplexing to me so it further makes me wonder whether he could be spending his money on drugs though. He makes around $80,000/year Canadian yet still says he is broke. Sometimes he'll still ask me if I can give our daughter $5 for his time with her so he can get her a bagel at the coffee shop. He has been back to work for over a year. His only expenses are his truck, his apartment, phone and groceries. Plus child support. He racked up debt while on sick leave and used his Visa etc, then spent his insurance money on a trip, but how can he still be so broke. It just doesn't add up to me.

But he was never good with money when we were together either yet would say I was the one who spent too much. So who knows. I'll just have to keep watching him for any cues.