Enemy at the gate

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I value your expertise and opinion, what is Ff’s proposed solution to “balancing out” the family?

For snowglobe to control a pot of money that her husband can NOT control.

Your family will be more "balanced" after they have healed from years of abuse and threats.

I DO NOT see an option where you can heal AND the financial balance sheet between you and your husband is "even".

I do see that Snowglobe needs to make a values based choice. 

1.  Is it more important to her to "balance the books" (very broad term)
2.  Is it more important to her to provide healing mental health care to her family.

I don't see an option where she can do both.  I do believe if she tries to do both, neither will be accomplished.

FF

[formflier]

I value your expertise and opinion, what is Ff’s proposed solution to “balancing out” the family?

For snowglobe to control a pot of money that her husband can NOT control.

Your family will be more "balanced" after they have healed from years of abuse and threats.

I DO NOT see an option where you can heal AND the financial balance sheet between you and your husband is "even".

I do see that Snowglobe needs to make a values based choice. 

1.  Is it more important to her to "balance the books" (very broad term)
2.  Is it more important to her to provide healing mental health care to her family.

I don't see an option where she can do both.  I do believe if she tries to do both, neither will be accomplished.

FF

[Notwendy]

I don't think manipulating someone into doing something they don't want to do is a recipe for happiness as a couple. When I made my post above, it was in reply to the question- can you use the Karpman triangle to stabilize a couple and it is a stabilizer- with plenty of dysfunction that results in people feeling hurt and resentful.

I think the choice is up to you Snowglobe. Your H uses manipulation to get what he wants by threatening you with divorce. The threat works because you basically will do what he wants to not be divorced. Now you are holding him to the ultimatum he gave you- to sell and buy.

Yet, I do wonder if this was also a way to get you to sell the house to free up funds for other reasons- his business. Now, perhaps he is feeling cornered ( manipulated) to do something he doesn't want to do.

[Enabler]

Is it really our place to teach someone how to manipulate someone else?

I was under the impression we were helping teach Snowglobe how to protect herself and children from further physical and emotional attacks from her husband.

Since Snowglobe has repeatedly asks us to be explicit with her and our concerns...I'll be explicit.

It appears to me she is trying to learn skills from us to manipulate her husband into making a large financial purchase, vice care for the mental and physical health of her family.

It also appears that most people believe this financial move will result in more instability in Snowglobe's life, since it will increase the amount of financial control her husband has over her.

Not really sure what is appropriate here.  This is worrisome...I can't imagine this turns out well for Snowglobes family.

FF

I agree with this summary regarding the direction of travel of this thread.

I think there is a mismatch between what the board classifies as 'protecting' and what Snowglobe classifies as 'protecting'. The board see's 'protecting' as being physically and mentally safe, children out of harms reach, and SUFFICIENT preservation of financial resources to continue moving forward with an adequate life. Snowglobe (and I am not saying you are wrong here as this might be 'fair' in the legal sense) wants to be in a position where her 'fair' share of the assets are visible should a divorce happen... the question then rises should the board be spending time helping attain 'fair' or 'sufficient' as a bar... want and need!

Snowglobe, I think you feel that if the balance of power (power being visible vs invisible assets) in the relationship is reweighted such that your H has more to lose should he threaten divorce (treat you badly), he would have a greater vested interest in playing happy families. Like others I do not agree with this assumption. If he feels he has lost power, I believe that he will make even more effort to regain power. The conflict will increase not decrease. Also distress tolerance is pretty central to BPD, a larger more expensive property = more financial stress to maintain that standard of living... = more dysregulation.

I don't see this as a route to stabilise the relationship, I see this as destined result in the end of the relationship but with greater access to the money pot.

As far as the realtor goes, you've said your piece, they are now JADEing, they need to sweat on it a little, be standoffish and let them work it out.

Enabler

[babyducks]

Let start from the beginning- he put an ultimatum about buying a better property and selling our current one, otherwise he will leave me. And yes, once the first part of the contract is fulfilled I’m waiting for the second part, the purchase with anticipation that he will invests something valuable that he loves and internally motivates him to stay in line

If he invests a large sum of money in the house he will be less likely to divorce fearing having to divide assets.  This will keep him in line?

I agree with what Enabler wrote so well.   This will teach Hubby that threatening divorce and pressuring Snowglobe will get him what he wants.

I also agree he will try harder to get back the power he feels he lost.

If Snowglobe gets her resume out there and finds employment that would be a step to removing the financial pressure.

Addressing only the financial pressure isn't what this website is ideally suited for.     Building healthier relationship between people is the charter.

[Cat Familiar]

This thread has reached its maximum length and is now locked. The conversation continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337774.0