First coparenting session with exBPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

How is it that you know how many sessions you will have?  Is it a guideline or is there a fixed number?

As you are finding out...any kind of counseling situation with a pwBPD is usually "frustrating" (how is that for being polite about it?)

My wife has done it on and off with me over the years and I will tell you that most of the "gains" that were made have generally come later...after time has passed.  Then time was spent on those new issues.

I will also say that most of the gains were NOT because of what my wife realized and changed...but the understanding the T got about my wife and our "dynamic".  Then the T could guide me into having healthier responses...which would "force" my wife to respond/react in a different way.

Last... for now.  At one time I viewed counseling through the "right/wrong"  "truth/lie"..whatever you want to call it lens.  That was not helpful for progress. 

When you tell someone they are lying..it sort of shuts down the conversation.

As opposed to  "Interesting...that seems important to you.  Tell me more about what you experienced."

Then...as you listen and "train your ear", you can pick up emotional changes.  I suspect you will find that when there is a gap in memory, yet a powerful emotion is there...your pwBPD will "fill in the gaps" and do the best she can to "express" a powerful emotion.

That's why learning about "validation" is important. 

I'm not saying "the truth" doesn't matter.  I am saying it doesn't matter as often as you likely believe it does.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[formflier]

How is it that you know how many sessions you will have?  Is it a guideline or is there a fixed number?

As you are finding out...any kind of counseling situation with a pwBPD is usually "frustrating" (how is that for being polite about it?)

My wife has done it on and off with me over the years and I will tell you that most of the "gains" that were made have generally come later...after time has passed.  Then time was spent on those new issues.

I will also say that most of the gains were NOT because of what my wife realized and changed...but the understanding the T got about my wife and our "dynamic".  Then the T could guide me into having healthier responses...which would "force" my wife to respond/react in a different way.

Last... for now.  At one time I viewed counseling through the "right/wrong"  "truth/lie"..whatever you want to call it lens.  That was not helpful for progress. 

When you tell someone they are lying..it sort of shuts down the conversation.

As opposed to  "Interesting...that seems important to you.  Tell me more about what you experienced."

Then...as you listen and "train your ear", you can pick up emotional changes.  I suspect you will find that when there is a gap in memory, yet a powerful emotion is there...your pwBPD will "fill in the gaps" and do the best she can to "express" a powerful emotion.

That's why learning about "validation" is important. 

I'm not saying "the truth" doesn't matter.  I am saying it doesn't matter as often as you likely believe it does.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF