Question on Diagnosis and how to handle ongoing

[njtxus]

My daughter was experiencing a lot of issues with self image and hard to manage.  At 13 when she hit puberty, it got worse - she picked her  skin  and had behaviors like stealing my credit cards, not wanting to go to school and inappropriate texting and pictures, just a general sense of being bored and hating her life.   We went to lots of therapy and therapists and were told while she is too young to be diagnosed by seeing signs of borderline - unstable relationships, threatening self hard, anger.   Everything got worse when she began dating someone older - she was 14 and he was 2.5 years old.

We put her into a therapeutic boarding school and she is functioning very well - the therapist and psychiatrist do not see any signs that she is BPD and are ruling that out although they said from adoption some signs of RAD.  She has been taking accountability and working on DBT skills and biofeedback.   

She has become easier to talk to and grown a lot in the four months she has been there but I am afraid if she comes back it will be the same.   I was afraid of her behavior when she would get angry but I cant tell how much was teenager stuff and how much was BPT

I am looking for any support and guidance on how to handle when she comes home and if any one had similar experience

She has finally started talking about how she has been feeling, the bad effects of the boyfriend (they are apart now), and the fear of not being perfect

Do you have any thoughts on this or recommendations for us to assimilate her at home?  Has anyone had similar experience?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomSA]

Hi and welcome.

How old is your daughter now?

Our daughter went to a restoration centre for 3 months at the beginning of the year and about 8 weeks in started to regulate and we saw again the girl we knew before 16. She is now 20.

She was not diagnosed with BPD and we didn't even know it existed when she went away...we just thought it was drugs...but within weeks of her being home she became completely disregulated again and all the anger, screaming, blaming, hate was back.

It was at this time we received a diagnoses and got her into DBT.

Your situation may be different and I do not want to bring fear, but we realised that when our daughter was at the centre all her "triggers" were minimised and that was why she could be in a clear stable frame of mind. Back home and her world and coping imploded.

Looking back now there are things I would have changed, but this is pointless. So I can only give you advice for what worked for me...

I would read the book: "When Your Daughter Has BPD" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and sort out your heart, head and boundaries before she comes back.

I would also make sure both you and her have a support system. We had a drug counsellor who, when she suspected BPD, referred us to a psychologist and a DBT specialist. Our DBT specialist has also added a psychiatrist into the safety net. This has been very important for us as it has been a scary ride since our daughter came home.

Do you think any of these ideas can help you?

[njtxus]

Hi Thank you for replying,   my daughter is 16  (she went to school) actually they came and got her when she was 15.   She was acting out and I could not put any boundary on her.   I started DBT before she left but it was getting worse.  I expect her to be back at end of year which will be 9 months

My daughter started to regulate within a month and is still there and working through things - what did you do when the anger came back ?/

I will have DBT as part of the her plan to come home

This is very helpful - they are not seeing any of the issues we were so we are working on getting prepared for her to be home.

How is your daughter now?

[MomSA]

I expect her to be back at end of year which will be 9 months

My daughter started to regulate within a month and is still there and working through things - what did you do when the anger came back ?/

How is your daughter now?

When she is disregulated her response is anger. This then spirals into hate and blame and self harm. So we stay away from the triggers and left her to run her own life. This means she has felt the direct consequences of HER choices and not us enforcing them on her.

She has been in DBT for almost 3 months and is now on meds and is much more stable.

9 months is a good long time for the dust to settle and the skills she is learning to sink in. I would just recognise that when she home she will need to make choices that are hard and it may be a bit bumpy but just take it gently and slowly with her...get those support systems in place...

And stay on these boards, there is so much wisdom to be gleaned from those who are further down the line than me.

[njtxus]

thank you she is at 4 months and pushing to go home but I think her staying between 9 to 12 months is  a must.  This is causing her a lot of grief but I am fighting for your  future.   Can you share what things you would have done in hindsight to prepare?  I think me turning her life over to herself will be the hardest thing but free us from being the "problem" and me from handling all her rage and anger.  Ive ordered books BDP Daughter and her program has asked us all to read the Love Languages

Thank yuou

[StressedOutDaily]

njtxus -

We are looking into RTC's and TBS for our 16yo...would you mind sharing where your D is and how it is going?

~SOD

[MomSA]

I think we brought our daughter home too soon. At the time I didn't but with hindsight we did.

Let her stay and find ways to validate her and love her long distance.

I would have changed my expectations of what it would would be like having her home. While she was there she made a commitment for Christ. I thought I was bringing home a Christian child. It didn't stick...her triggers here were too much. And she said she actually was just going for a Grammy Award with her acting the part

Making sure she has something to do when she's home, but not pushing it too hard. Maybe the counsellors at her centre will prepare her for this. Otherwise its a vacuum to fill. We had so many things prepped for her, but she just wanted to get out, back to her friends and have a party.

She stuck to our rules for 8 weeks and then wiggled her way out of them all. Im sorry I cant be more helpful. We find ourselves now just letting her go and making mistakes and bumping her head and just accepting her and her lifestyle. In our home though we have rules.

No smoking inside
Do not offer her younger brother smokes and alcohol
None of her men paraded here
Care for our things
Be polite.

She sticks to these.

She's so desperate to move out she has a job and is working towards leaving in August. This will also be a growing time for her.

Oh and for me, I would recommend you prepare your heart, lots of love, grace and forgiveness needed for you to yourself and towards her.

[njtxus]

My daughter is in Florida in Providence Pass. I really do recommend them very highly.    They are Christian and being Christian was important to me.

As far as rules - I am trying hard to figure it out - she did have a lot of anger here and I think respect to us and to her things, no yelling, threatening, clean up after self, etc.

She has said but who knows she doesnt want to date until college as she was in a 18 month relationship with an older boy who was def a bad influence.  Like a wolf in sheeps clothing -  presented so good to us

[njtxus]

I could deal with anything if she is kind and polite, the aggressive and manipulating is too much for me to handle.

[StressedOutDaily]

Have you heard of Family Connections?  My DH and I have found that the class was invaluable - although my D has not changed, how we respond has - and that has made a world of difference for us. 

https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/

[njtxus]

I am trying to get into the next Family Connections class.    I hope I can
Daughter has done good but wants to come home and I think it is too soon.   She is pretty angry.  I am not sure if she will even talk to us at this point.

I want her as improved as possible before she comes home.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomSA]

 She is pretty angry.  I am not sure if she will even talk to us at this point.

Our daughter who was also sent involuntarily was very very angry for a long time. She still resents us sending her and uses it every time she is unregulated emotionally as a way to hurt us.

When she is in a rational mind she doesn't mention it.

[njtxus]

Couple of questions - did you daughter ever thank you for sending her and when she brings it up do you discuss the reasons behind it.  Did you daughter do really well at the school - that is what is scaring me the most - she is thriving there and I dont want her to come home and go back to where she was.

I thought my daughter would shut me out but she didnt.  She called me Sunday night and talked for 20 minutes and told me she had cried alot  and was sad but then was okay.  She was positive i think  - her house mom was around so that might have been part of it.

She also told me if I was not able to have her home - her BF from school's family could   I told her I would figure out when the school says she is ready to go back.

She also asked me if she messed up again if I would send to Utah - she has a friend who went there and it was much more hard core.

I wish I had a magic ball on what to do

[MomSA]

Couple of questions - did you daughter ever thank you for sending her and when she brings it up do you discuss the reasons behind it.  Did you daughter do really well at the school - that is what is scaring me the most - she is thriving there and I dont want her to come home and go back to where she was.

My daughter didn't go to a school. She went to rehab. She was using drugs and alcohol, driving under the influence, hanging out with codependent people. We had to stop her in her tracks. She covered everything over on her first phone call - her hate, anger, bitterness...I suppose fear too, as it was a monitored call.

A week after this call, two other girls burnt down the girls dorm down, so we went to fetch her and moved her to a place where she was with 10 girls, small, rustic and much better. After about 6 weeks she settled down and became regulated but she was cutting, yelling, punching walls up until that point.

She remained there for another 6 weeks and was the most supple lovely child. She had a community of girls around her all rooting for her success. This only lasted for a week at home. Then she became completely disregulated again. This was when we got the BPD diagnoses. 10 weeks of DBT and she is doing very well again.

I thought my daughter would shut me out but she didnt.  She called me Sunday night and talked for 20 minutes and told me she had cried alot  and was sad but then was okay.  She was positive i think  - her house mom was around so that might have been part of it.

This is wonderful, Im so happy for you

She also told me if I was not able to have her home - her BF from school's family could   I told her I would figure out when the school says she is ready to go back.

Yes, good to stall and not be put under pressure to make a decision.

She also asked me if she messed up again if I would send to Utah - she has a friend who went there and it was much more hard core. I wish I had a magic ball on what to do

Again...just keep rooting for her success. And tell her that if you need to you will deal with it at the time. Encourage her to keep working hard, learning hr skills and that you are woking hard at home for her return too.

[njtxus]

Thank you the words you have shared mean soo much to me.  I am happy to be understood here
I thought I was losing my mind before.

[FaithHopeLove]

You are definitely not losing your mind. You are going through one of the most excruciatingly difficult things a parent can go through. But you are not going through it alone. We are all with you.