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Author Topic: Child’s behavior suddenly different- is it normal?  (Read 409 times)
Kat82

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 9


« on: July 06, 2019, 10:09:28 PM »

My daughter is 6 and we have always been very close. I coparent 50/50 with my suspect uNPD ex and have since she was quite young. He always excessively reminds her of things they’ve done together ‘remember when I bought you that.../took you.../etc’ to a point where it almost seems manipulative but it’s never phased her. Recently she was away with her father for a weekend and when she came back was very agitated seeming and just rude and emotional over everything. She complained that she didn’t do anything fun and her dad didn’t play with her (which is a typical/normal comment from her). Since that time she has been singing her dads praises and complaining about almost everything her and I do together. She’s distant and very argumentative and implied she wants to go live with her dad 100% of the time. Today she started yelling at me for losing something that was important to her and her dad because it wasn’t in her backpack (it was, they just both missed it). When I asked her why she was so upset she said her dad had said all the same things to her when he couldn’t find it. I told her it was a misunderstanding and no one was at fault but couldn’t help but start crying. I told her that it hurts my feelings when she’s rude to me. I don’t know if this is normal behavior as she gets older or if she’s finally at an age he can manipulate but I’m afraid I’m making things worse by getting upset. I don’t really know what to do anymore. I’ve tried talking to her but she just shuts down and won’t speak with me. The few things she has said make it sound like she just likes that he buys her lots of stuff. I didn’t expect her personality to change so quickly. Any advice would be appreciated on how to react better or feel better about this.
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mart555
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 340


« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2019, 10:27:36 PM »

She might be feeling stress and some empathy towards him..  wants him to feel better but doesn't know how to deal with these feelings so she lashes on you.  Might help to have her see a therapist once in a while so that she sees that these feelings are normal.  I'd be worried about alienation as well..
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worriedStepmom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 1157


« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2019, 08:20:58 AM »

I would find her a therapist soon.

One of my friends has an ex with diagnosed NPD, and he's done a real number on their kids (who are older than your daughter).  It is very nasty, to the point that the court is seriously considering taking away his contact with the kids.

Six year olds believe their parents are pretty much always right.  So if her dad is saying really nasty stuff about you, then part of her will believe it.  The other part of her won't - because she knows you and she loves you - and that causes a lot of anxiety in a small child.

You might want to consider therapy for yourself as well.  This is going to be a long and emotional road, and it's always nice to have someone neutral to help you figure out what to do.
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StillHopeful73
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2019, 01:22:44 PM »

I agree with the above posts about a therapist both for you and your daughter. Mine has been a lifesaver for me on dealing with my BPD ex. My daughter has been in play therapy for a couple of months now and I think it will be really important having that extra support as she gets older (she's almost 8).

There could be any number of reasons why she is upset and taking it out on you. Perhaps because you are her "safe place" she is taking out her emotional upset from being with her dad, on you. She knows you may get upset but you will still be there for her. Whereas her Dad got unfairly upset (and directed it at her) so she took her emotions she didn't know what to do with and lashed out at you.

When my daughter comes home from being with her Dad she is exhausted. I had always figured it was because he let her stay up late but the therapist has pointed out that maybe she is tired from trying to appease her Dad. I know that he looks for his emotional needs to be met by her so I'm sure that must be draining.

My daughter's therapist has been big on making sure I validate my daughter's emotions. So that she knows she is heard and that she has a voice.

He could also be manipulating her so alienation is something to watch out for.
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livednlearned
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2019, 02:43:39 PM »

Dr. Craig Childress doesn't separate between personality disordered parents and what he calls pathogenic parenting. They go together.

Trust your instincts that something is off and she is acting out because her current skills don't equip her to handle the complexity of pathogenic parenting.

Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak is particularly helpful, and so is Bill Eddy's Don't Alienate the Kids. Both offer essential skills so you can be proactive in helping your child make sense of her dad's confusing behaviors.

You're fortunate to be figuring this out while your daughter is young, and you are paying attention to odd behaviors and looking for support and advice. Those two combined can be so helpful for families like ours. The next piece is to find a good therapist for your daughter -- she is going to need help figuring out what is real and what isn't. It helps to have a neutral third party with professional experience helping kids.
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Kat82

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 9


« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2019, 08:35:24 PM »

Thank you everyone. This gives me some good avenues to pursue and honestly it’s so nice to have others who understand, I just feel less alone and helpless. My daughter seemed to improve over this weekend together but she’s still not herself. I’m not sure if our parenting agreement allows me to get a therapist without my exes consent but I’m going to contact my lawyer and see if I have any options. It’d be great to have that support from someone that knows us both.
So grateful for all of you ❤️❤️
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livednlearned
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #6 on: July 09, 2019, 08:10:21 AM »

If you can't get immediate agreement on therapy, what do you think about introducing yourself to the school guidance counselor or family specialist (usually a social worker)?

I let both family specialist and counselor know that my son was having some trouble adjusting to the divorce and welcomed any kind of support. You can say very diplomatic things that the counselors will understand, "I'm concerned that D6 feels responsible for taking care of her dad's emotions and it's creating stress that she doesn't know how to handle alone. I'm not trained in this, so putting some professional eyes on this would really go a long way."

And if you can't get her into therapy soon, try to get a therapist for yourself if you don't have one. Parents like us need very specific communication and relationship skills to offset the kind of alienation that happens. Alienation is so insidious and shadowy and damaging, and the skills to deal with it are not intuitive and must be learned.

How did your D6 respond when you cried?
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