Daughter diagnosed, complicated situation.

[tamismom]

Hi all,

My story is a long involved one, but I just want to introduce my basics at least. I have a daughter in her 30's who has been diagnosed with BPD. I have read quite a lot on the subject in the period leading up to the diagnosis (which was horribly lengthy!) and since, and as much as I understand a great deal of the information I haven't had much time to research just how I'M supposed to deal with it. I've put all the focus on her, for ages, and maybe made things worse by allowing her complete dependence on me.

So much typical behavior and drama...one minute I'm the only person she trusts or who remotely understands her...the next I'm the devil incarnate who doesn't care and puts everyone and everything ahead of her. In reality everything is about her...I've enabled that. Problem is that if I don't go along entirely with her wants and needs, if I have the nerve to bring up my feelings or whatever, I'm making everything about me. It's exhausting. This is the time of my life where I should be winding down the drama and having some peace.

In my own life (although I'm made to feel I am not allowed one) I have just recently married and my husband is battling cancer. This is a major "thing" for my daughter as he's getting attention I should be giving her. In her words he's lazy and useless and a bad partner and whines all the time etc. etc. etc. I suppose he should be scrubbing floors after 20 odd chemo treatments and radiation and immunotherapy. The fact I actually married him before SHE was ready for me to do so she will never forgive me. There is some childhood trauma involved in parents and their partners and marriage...which is being played for all it's worth.

There is a complicated backstory here, but I don't have time to elaborate right now. I just finally accepted the fact that I can't deal with this alone...so here I am!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Tamismom and welcome to the group. I am glad you reached out to us. This is the best place to get reliable information and support. Living with an adult child with BPD can be totally exhausting. Your daughter's behavior spunds very familiar. My 25 year old son acts pretty much the same way. What helps me is to remind myself that it is not about me. The blame game is his way of trying to cope with unbearable pain. I am also so sorry to hear about your husband. That really is a lot to deal with all at once. Are you able to engage in any kind of self care? Maybe therapy for yourself? We are here.
Hugs
Faith

[tamismom]

Thanks for the welcome. No, therapy takes time and I really don't have any. My husband is retired but I still work full time. My daughter resents the he! out of any time I have that isn't devoted to her. She would encourage me to go the therapy then rage when I went if she was having a bad day. I live between the proverbial rock and hard place. Fear is my default emotion, which is difficult to cope with as I've always been a pretty fearless person!

Not to mention that I have an adult son who is a single father with some emotional problems of his own. He feels neglected and acts out as well. My husband is the most patient and understanding human being on the planet and puts up with all of this while going through hell himself. But he's a problem of course, as the few minutes of time he gets from me aren't deserved. Pardon my language, but I'm screwed. >.<

To be honest, my biggest fear right now is that this is wearing me down both emotionally and physically. My anxiety levels are through the roof sometimes...as I said, I live with fear almost constantly.

[Swimmy55]

Hi tamismom,
I get it about time being a problem.  In addition to writing here, there are online options for 12 step programs such as Coda for example( Co dependents anonymous) or Alanon.  These are 12 step programs where the focus is on you .  You learn coping skills like how to detach .  You sound enmeshed in with your daughter ( many of us are enmeshed to varying degrees with our BPD kids).  Extricating yourself and finding out what is yours and what is hers to deal with is paramount for your mental and physical health).
You mentioned you live in fear.  Is it of your daughter's actions?

[tamismom]

I do admit to being very afraid of my actions or responses pushing her over the edge and it being my responsibility, but it's also the fear of adding any more stress and drama to my life. When I heard the term walking on eggshells relative to BPD I realized it couldn't have been a better description of my life. I feel like she herself, or my fear of upsetting her, completely control my life.

The attachment and her fear of abandonment is increased by the fact that we live a great distance from each other and face to face time isn't always possible. I think this makes her more needy and me more susceptible to her demands. I think it also adds to her demonization of anyone else in my life who has closer/better/more access to me.

[livednlearned]

I think it also adds to her demonization of anyone else in my life who has closer/better/more access to me.

If she can divert your attention to her, away from someone or something else that matters to you, then is is briefly confirmed for a fleeting moment that she exists, that she is worthy. Then, the feeling must be sought again and again, relentlessly.

She may sense you feel guilt and are torn and susceptible to her testing, so she continues.

With my uBPD step daughter (22), when I stand empowered in my choices, she becomes submissive, mirroring back to me what she feels works in that context.

Your daughter likely has extraordinary sensitivity to your feelings, even experiencing or labeling them before you do. This helps her use that knowledge to get her needs met, unfortunately at your expense, and not necessarily because she wants you to suffer.

[Swimmy55]

I feel your guilt loud and clear.  I also suffer from this with my son as well.  The thing to remember is you are doing the best you can.  Your daughter- I am sorry if you already mentioned this - but it appears she is not in therapy at this time?  Is she accepting of her diagnosis? You have given her attention as all of us as parents have done.  What she needs now is more help AND she needs to realize it can't be from you which is not in your control.  I think the guilt is getting you stuck .  Like you feel you don't have permission or that you are leaving her behind because you are living your life?  You are also torn in another direction by being a caretaker to your spouse.  Please consider that your life is as important as your children's.  Your plate is full , but is there any room on there for you? 

[tamismom]

Thanks everyone. Swimmy, in answer to your question yes I think she's fully accepted her diagnosis. She is here now with me for the summer, and will return home and start DBT therapy at the end of the month. She's determined, but scared...as the program involves group therapy and she's not comfortable with that in the least. She brought workbooks with her, and reading material. I've been trying to help her focus and do some of the exercises and reading.

Part of the "complication" here is that she hasn't always been mine. By that I mean that she's sort of a really late/adult adoption. She became part of our family almost 10 years ago through a weird fluke. When we met she immediately became seriously attached, and melded in to our family quickly. My sons call her sister, my own siblings call her a niece...she's fully integrated. So I am dealing with damage done long ago by others. When I realized how debilitating her mental illness was, I committed to helping her any way I can...and here we are. 

The frustrating part of this for me is that it took us a long time to get her diagnosed, and now that has finally happened, she seems to be getting worse instead of better. I keep telling myself that this is because on top of dealing with her usual struggles, she is also trying to process the diagnosis and what it all means.