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[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all.

I'm having issues with my son (10) right now and am a bit unsure how to proceed.

He lives with his mom. She currently lives with her mom. We were together almost 20yrs, Sep 2017 we split and she moved a new guy in within 10 days. Dec 2018 she began her "return" and slowly broke me down over the course of 3mths culminating in a suicide attempt. I thought I could "fix" her and the family. After 2mths she went back to the bf. During this period she said many things, I was basically love bombed and the bf was painted black. She told me a week before she went back to him that he is a convicted rapist. She said the usual about how he abused her and the kids etc. Thing is I actually believe her because my boys hated him and made it very clear they were unhappy around him and do not wish to see him again. They kept this from me when their mom was with him but let it all out when she came back. I was far from impressed and questioned why she would allow this to happen, she said she used him for somewhere to live. She told her family and Dr he was an emotionally abuse man.

Now, he is painted white again and she is so in "love". Problem is nobody else can stand him. She wants to move back in with him and this has created a problem because my son is adamant he is not going. I have my boy weekends and he is very stressed out right now and is worried him mom will force him to go. She is trying to convince him that the rapist is a nice guy and is going to change. His nan is also telling him to Give him a chance for a month (nan has had enough and wants her house back). This has made my blood boil especially because his nan knows what he is, she claims to hate him but is encouraging my son to go live with him because she wants her space. I can understand that last bit I really can but encouraging to go live with a rapist? His mom is getting pissed because he will not cave in and has started giving him dirty looks and silent treatment.

I have told him that he has options now I'm in a bigger place, basically he can come live with me. He has always been the favourite child and his mom has always treated him better. He loves his mom and I get that, I've told him that's perfectly fine and that I had a mom once and I loved her too. Deep down I think he would rather live with his mom and that's ok by me. The issue is the rapist and my son not wanting to be anywhere near him.

Today my ex used her mom and our daughter to pass a message to me. The message said that if I don't stop trying to "ruin" her life and brainwash our son she will stop me from seeing him and will go to a solicitor to arrange contact.

First off, I am not brainwashing my son. The way he feels is due to how he has been treated and how is mom is ignoring his thoughts and feelings. I'm not filling his head with anything, a few weeks back SHE was telling everybody what a monster the rapist is and how my son would not have to see him again. Obviously a huge u turn that has left everybody thinking wtf. As for ruining her life? I am done with this sh1t, I could do so so many things to cause her problems, all I want is NC and for her to sign the divorce papers I will be sending in 2 weeks.

She could stop me seeing him, she did it last year for 5mths because I refused to talk to her. This is my biggest fear right now. I did tell her when she came back that once I had moved it would free up cash and any repeat of that bs would result in me taking legal action. I'm unsure how long this would take but I would definitely do it.

As for her going to a solicitor to arrange contact? I'm a bit lost on that. Most people seek legal action because they are being denied access. Unless she means the kids that live with me? Bit she has paid no maintenance and has made no effort to arrange contact.

Best case scenario for me would be for her to hand my son over, sign the divorce papers and disappear to leave us to it but I know it's wishful thinking.

I have not responded, I am in strict NC since she left and I want to keep it that way.

Advice?

[Longterm]

Hi all.

I'm having issues with my son (10) right now and am a bit unsure how to proceed.

He lives with his mom. She currently lives with her mom. We were together almost 20yrs, Sep 2017 we split and she moved a new guy in within 10 days. Dec 2018 she began her "return" and slowly broke me down over the course of 3mths culminating in a suicide attempt. I thought I could "fix" her and the family. After 2mths she went back to the bf. During this period she said many things, I was basically love bombed and the bf was painted black. She told me a week before she went back to him that he is a convicted rapist. She said the usual about how he abused her and the kids etc. Thing is I actually believe her because my boys hated him and made it very clear they were unhappy around him and do not wish to see him again. They kept this from me when their mom was with him but let it all out when she came back. I was far from impressed and questioned why she would allow this to happen, she said she used him for somewhere to live. She told her family and Dr he was an emotionally abuse man.

Now, he is painted white again and she is so in "love". Problem is nobody else can stand him. She wants to move back in with him and this has created a problem because my son is adamant he is not going. I have my boy weekends and he is very stressed out right now and is worried him mom will force him to go. She is trying to convince him that the rapist is a nice guy and is going to change. His nan is also telling him to Give him a chance for a month (nan has had enough and wants her house back). This has made my blood boil especially because his nan knows what he is, she claims to hate him but is encouraging my son to go live with him because she wants her space. I can understand that last bit I really can but encouraging to go live with a rapist? His mom is getting pissed because he will not cave in and has started giving him dirty looks and silent treatment.

I have told him that he has options now I'm in a bigger place, basically he can come live with me. He has always been the favourite child and his mom has always treated him better. He loves his mom and I get that, I've told him that's perfectly fine and that I had a mom once and I loved her too. Deep down I think he would rather live with his mom and that's ok by me. The issue is the rapist and my son not wanting to be anywhere near him.

Today my ex used her mom and our daughter to pass a message to me. The message said that if I don't stop trying to "ruin" her life and brainwash our son she will stop me from seeing him and will go to a solicitor to arrange contact.

First off, I am not brainwashing my son. The way he feels is due to how he has been treated and how is mom is ignoring his thoughts and feelings. I'm not filling his head with anything, a few weeks back SHE was telling everybody what a monster the rapist is and how my son would not have to see him again. Obviously a huge u turn that has left everybody thinking wtf. As for ruining her life? I am done with this sh1t, I could do so so many things to cause her problems, all I want is NC and for her to sign the divorce papers I will be sending in 2 weeks.

She could stop me seeing him, she did it last year for 5mths because I refused to talk to her. This is my biggest fear right now. I did tell her when she came back that once I had moved it would free up cash and any repeat of that bs would result in me taking legal action. I'm unsure how long this would take but I would definitely do it.

As for her going to a solicitor to arrange contact? I'm a bit lost on that. Most people seek legal action because they are being denied access. Unless she means the kids that live with me? Bit she has paid no maintenance and has made no effort to arrange contact.

Best case scenario for me would be for her to hand my son over, sign the divorce papers and disappear to leave us to it but I know it's wishful thinking.

I have not responded, I am in strict NC since she left and I want to keep it that way.

Advice?

[worriedStepmom]

That sounds like an awful situation.  Am I understanding that you have more than 2 kids, but 2 live with her, and the rest live with you?

I'm not sure what the laws are like where you live.  Have you consulted a lawyer/solicitor to find out what your rights are?  Can you get primary custody of all of your children? 

Are you able to determine if it is true that boyfriend has a criminal record?  If so, is that grounds for custody to change to you?

I would make sure to ask you solicitor if there will be temporary orders at least specifying that you get to see your kids, and I'd push him to find out how you can get custody.

If possible, I'd also make sure that your son gets counseling - it sounds like he is going to need it.

[Longterm]

Hi there.

2 live with me, 1 with her and 1 with nan but technically 2 are with her at present as she is living with her mom, when she moves though only the youngest will go with her.

Have you consulted a lawyer/solicitor to find out what your rights are?  Can you get primary custody of all of your children?  

I did a while back, it's all about money, I pay him then he does the necessaries. As far as my rights go, I have PR (parental responsibility) over all my children, I can do anything she can such as taking my son from school without telling her, it pretty much stands for equal rights. When she came back she told me she had phoned the school asking them to not allow me to take my son from school because she was worried I was going to take him from her. This was strange as I never in anyway shape or form hinted that I would ever do such a thing (paranoid ideation), I was in NC forc14mths. Anyway the school told her that there was nothing they could do if I ever did decide to do that.

Are you able to determine if it is true that boyfriend has a criminal record?  If so, is that grounds for custody to change to you?

He confirmed it himself, he has to sign the sex offenders register for life. Guess what? He didn't do it, he was stitched up. I want to make it clear that I am not after sole custody of my son. Yes, I would rather him live with me, I am way more stable than his mom without a doubt but I will not take him away from his mom without his say so. All he has to say is "dad, can I live with you?" And it will be done, she could seek legal action but would have to prove I pose a threat to him, she will be unable to do this. I think (could be wrong) that I need to provide a supportive role here. He said he feels like he can talk to me about anything and I think that's a good thing and that's why he's talking to me about the way things are with his mom. If I'm honest I think the whole situation is disgusting and it shows a real lack of her prioritising my son's wishes. She is stopping at the bf's every night and only going to her mom's to take my boy to school and take him back. He said he feels lonely and uncared for. This is why I feel her mom wants her gone, she cannot cope with my exes behaviour, because my boy won't conform to her wishes she is blaming me. Why should my son go live there? He hates the guy. I think it would be best if she gets her own place and maybe I could offer to have my son for say 6-12mths while she gets her sh1t together? Saying that, will she get her sh1t together? If she does get her own place, how would she stop at the bf's every night and still look after my boy?

I think my boy will eventually cave in. This in itself could cause many problems, he could develop more resentment towards his mom, more than he has now because of her back peddling on the promises she made him and the rest of us. Not to mention all she did with the bf was daily drugs and a lot of drinking, apparently they had blazing arguments regularly too. I see why he doesn't want it, me and his mom rarely argued (doormat) and the boys did not enjoy listening to it. So many things could happen I guess.

I would make sure to ask you solicitor if there will be temporary orders at least specifying that you get to see your kids

Hmmm, I never thought of a temporary order, nor have I ever heard of it. I will look into this.

If possible, I'd also make sure that your son gets counseling - it sounds like he is going to need it.

I don't know if counselling is available for a 10yr old, I have encouraged him to journal though to help him process his feelings. He has been doing it and finds it very therapeutic.

[worriedStepmom]

I don't know how it is in your country, but here children regularly get therapy.  My S10 and SD12 are both going to their counselor today

I would caution you very strongly on your statement that you won't have your son live with you unless he speaks up.  My husband had this same attitude about his daughter, and it was wrong.

1) Your son is a child.  Children do not always know what is in their best interests.  They make decisions based on other reasons.

One of my friends has an ex with NPD.  Two of their kids want to spend as much time with their dad as possible, yet the court is likely to give him only limited supervised contact with the kids because he is so emotionally abusive and manipulative.  The kids don't understand.

2) Your son may not be able to articulate his feelings.

My SD is very good at hiding her emotions.  She has been trained that her job is to manage her mom's emotions - she is to prioritize what her mom needs, and her emotional needs are not important.  She told me recently that she has no idea how to put herself first - which is not normal for a 12-year-old.

She's also loyal, and she truly loves her mom and wants a good relationship with her.  It would be disloyal to mom to say that she wants to live with dad.  Mom will almost certainly punish her emotionally for saying something like that, to the extent that mom might sever the relationship completely.  (Whether mom would abandon SD or not is an open question - she would certainly threaten to do so, which hurts SD just as much.)

It took a while for H and I to figure out how bad the emotional abuse was.  He promptly took action to get primary custody of SD.  She's lived with us for a year.  She's happier and less stressed now.  She has a better relationship with H and with her mom.  Yet, still, she will not ever express a preference as to where she should live or how much time she should spend at each house.   She's scared.

3) H's ex parentifies their daughter so much that H falls into the same trap of putting too much responsibility in SD's hands.  Kids need their parents to make decisions on the big stuff.  It's not their job, and they aren't mentally and emotionally equipped to be able to do that.

You are the parent.  Do you think it is best for your son and daughter to live with your wife (whether it is with her mother or her boyfriend), or with you?  Is your daughter in any danger from this man?

[Longterm]

I don't know how it is in your country, but here children regularly get therapy.  My S10 and SD12 are both going to their counselor today 

I think that is awesome. The past few years have been very tough on those involved and I do feel that my son would benefit from counselling. I work nights and are working now but I'm going to phone them tomorrow and see whether he will be accepted.


I would caution you very strongly on your statement that you won't have your son live with you unless he speaks up.  My husband had this same attitude about his daughter, and it was wrong.

You have got me thinking all kinds of stuff now but maybe that is the advice I need.

) Your son is a child.  Children do not always know what is in their best interests.  They make decisions based on other reasons.

I think he is worried he will upset her, he said he hates it at nan's too and doesn't want to be there. He has asked questions such as how would he get to school etc if he lived with me. I have thought for quite sometime about these issues and would probably leave my job and seek employment on a day job. The issues are workable, worst case scenario I would work part time.

2) Your son may not be able to articulate his feelings.

No he can't, not with his mom at least. I did suggest he speak with his mom, he told me his nan suggested him to do this also a few weeks ago. He told me Saturday that he did speak with her, she just is not listening. I think it's because how he feels is not congruent with what she wants. This happened with my 14yr old too. He was told to stfu and get on with it, twice.


My SD is very good at hiding her emotions.  She has been trained that her job is to manage her mom's emotions - she is to prioritize what her mom needs, and her emotional needs are not important.  She told me recently that she has no idea how to put herself first - which is not normal for a 12-year-old.

I can relate to all of that and it really pisses me off. I can give you many, many examples of her doing this to the kids. I have told my son that his thoughts, feelings and emotions DO matter and his mom's feelings are NOT his responsibility. The fact she does not recognise this highlights her issues and is the main point of this thread, that right there is why I am so angry right now. And when he is telling her he does not wish to live with somebody who has treated him so poorly she accuses me of brainwashing him and then threatens to stop him coming to see me, it is disgusting and I cannot express how much my blood is boiling right now. This man has made my son get undressed in front of him and degraded him by calling him "fat" and "gayboy" amongst many other things. He has told my son what to eat, what to wear etc, he is a very controlling and manipulative  man and has said/done many things. I could not believe the kids never told me the things that had gone on. The ex told me she was scared of him and he is a master at mind games and control and she expects my son to go live back with him? Is she for f***** real? And I am ruining her life by telling my son he matters?

Mom will almost certainly punish her emotionally for saying something like that, to the extent that mom might sever the relationship completel

She is punishing my son by giving him dirty looks and using silent treatment, also saying crap like "why don't you want me to be happy?". It's all just crazy and ridiculous.

.  Kids need their parents to make decisions on the big stuff.  It's not their job, and they aren't mentally and emotionally equipped to be able to do that.

I see your point here, I need to take this decision out of his hands.


You are the parent.  Do you think it is best for your son and daughter to live with your wife (whether it is with her mother or her boyfriend), or with you?  Is your daughter in any danger from this man?

My daughter lives with me but always felt very wary around the bf, she said she always felt like he was staring at her. When we found out about the rape conviction nobody was really surprised because his behaviour around women in general is apparently very weird. I think it's best if my son lives with me, I can provide stability for him, not to mention love because the way his mother is treating him isn't love, it's disgusting.

[GaGrl]

My advice is to get with your lawyer immediately and find out 1)
What documentation/proof You need regarding his rape conviction and sexual predator status and restrictions, 2) get an emergency petition/order in place that this man cannot have any contact with any of your children whatsoever.

[livednlearned]

You have a lot going on, LT. I read in one of your other posts that you may be dealing with major depression? Are you currently being treated for it?

These relationships can take a huge toll and trying to get our kids situated can take a lot of effort. It helps to manage our own mental health so we can get through these rough patches.

What do you think will happen if you tell your son (10) that his job is to be a kid, and that you are the parent and will decide where he lives?

[Longterm]

Hi Gagrl.

My advice is to get with your lawyer immediately and find out 1)
What documentation/proof You need regarding his rape conviction and sexual predator status and restrictions, 2) get an emergency petition/order in place that this man cannot have any contact with any of your children whatsoever.

I forgot to mention that I have spoken to police and children's services.

The police told me they would not even confirm that he has a rape conviction. He does though, he didn't deny it when asked, he said he was stitched up, he has also stated that he is on the sex offenders register for life.

Children's services are utterly useless. They told me that because his crime is not against children then there is nothing I can do regarding my son spending time with him, it is up to the parent to decide if people are suitable role models.

In short, if she takes my son to his house there is absolutely nothing I can do to protect him.

[Longterm]

Hi livednlearned.

Yes I do, I go from one child to the other sorting issue after issue. I am not receiving any treatment for anything right now and I think at some point I have to prioritise myself some.


What do you think will happen if you tell your son (10) that his job is to be a kid, and that you are the parent and will decide where he lives?

That's a very good question, he says every week he doesn't want to go home. I may say this week "well why don't you just stay?". Hmmm, that is an interesting question. If I did tell him he's not going home it would go 1 of 2 ways. Straight away his mom would send police, because I have PR if he told them he wanted to stay they would tell his mom there's nothing they could do, if he said no they would take him back to his mom because she has PR too. This is what I meant by a lot of it rests on him unless I had a court order stating I have custody, police would not even ask what he wants in that case.

[GaGrl]

You need your own lawyer who knows how to get the information you can't get yourself.

There is no legitimate reason whatsoever for your son to be told to take off his clothes in front of a man who is not his father.

[Longterm]

You need your own lawyer who knows how to get the information you can't get yourself.

There is no legitimate reason whatsoever for your son to be told to take off his clothes in front of a man who is not his father.

Last time I saw a solicitor I did not know the bf was a rapist. I think I will go see him again and explain this whole situation and see what he suggests. He will know where I stand.

Oh I agree, they told me many stories that I was unhappy with. She said she only used him for someplace to live yet her mom offered her a roof and she went back to him.

I don't mean to sound like an armchair psychologist but I think he is somebody who needs to be avoided. He is very flamboyant and literally loves himself, is very controlling/manipulative and selfish. Abusive in many many ways. I see why my ex "loves" him.

I will be making many calls tomorrow to save my son from this madness.

[livednlearned]

In the US there is something called an ex parte motion which essentially means an emergency order that gets put in place until a judge sees and hears all the evidence.

I wonder if you can get something like that as a preemptive action to prevent your S10 from having to stay with his mom for now.

In the meantime, it might be helpful to tell your S10 that you will do everything you can to protect him, and to help him think ahead of time what he can say to his mom when she starts to work on his sense of guilt and obligation.

We often think it just takes a legal action to protect our kids but they also need some help with the psychological maneuvers that are often too sophisticated and powerful for their ages.

[Longterm]

In the US there is something called an ex parte motion which essentially means an emergency order that gets put in place until a judge sees and hears all the evidence.

I wonder if you can get something like that as a preemptive action to prevent your S10 from having to stay with his mom for now.

I have sought legal advice today and have an appointment booked for next week, what you wrote seems like a very good temporary solution.


In the meantime, it might be helpful to tell your S10 that you will do everything you can to protect him, and to help him think ahead of time what he can say to his mom when she starts to work on his sense of guilt and obligation.

I tell him this all the time, this is why she accuses me of brainwashing him. I told him on Sunday that if his mom's asks again to blame me and to state I've told him he's not allowed near the bf. I've done this to try and alleviate the pressure on him.

 
We often think it just takes a legal action to protect our kids but they also need some help with the psychological maneuvers that are often too sophisticated and powerful for their ages.

Yes, he is starting to recognise her behaviour patterns. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I just need to point it out to him, it is very difficult.

I am so angry right now that I am shaking, I have not felt this angry in a very long time and I am having to stop myself contacting my ex. I spoke to children's services again today and I just exploded, they put the phone down on me. I asked them to reopen the case against my ex as I feel there are safeguarding fears surrounding my son and I wish for them to provide any support they can for him. I was met with a brick wall and an admission that literally enraged me. They knew he was a rapist, they knew and they did not disclose to me this information. When me and my ex split she painted me the bitter ex, they fell for it big time. I told them she was suffering mental health issues and I was worried about the kids and her behaviour because the kids were in the middle of it. From their own investigations they concluded there was "emotional neglect from mother" (I have this report at home) yet failed to keep a sex offender away from my children. I completely lost it and explained in detail what those kids have gone through since and that they could of prevented it. The woman even asked why I think my ex is mentally ill and I said "have you not listened to a PLEASE READ word I just said? You give me your view on it" I explained they were vulnerable a good while back and this highlights why the local CS are amongst the worst in the country. They will not help me and feel that the youngest is not vulnerable at present because he technically lives with nan. I explained what the children and the ex said about his treatment of them, brick wall.

I told my ex specifically when we last spoke that I do not want my kids around this guy and she promised they wouldn't be. When we first split I told CS that I did not see the need to include my kids in her new relationsh1t and I stick by that now. I see no reason why she can't keep it separate and this is my problem. It's because she is low functioning and needs someone to provide for her and that need outweighs the needs of my son.

[Longterm]

I could not help myself, I have made contact with my exes mom. What she told me led to me exploding again.

My son has spent time around the bf last week.

Nan said it is simply chaos. She likened it to living with a teenager again, they do not know what to do about the situation. By the looks of it nan has tried to set boundaries and told my ex she cannot keep leaving my son on his own, she said she just goes out anyway but last week nan was a bit firmer and told her it's not her job to look after her  son so she told him he has to go with her. This has led to a huge explosion on Monday with my son standing his ground and his mom messaging me because she couldn't have her own way.

Nan thinks it's best if my son comes to live with me. She and other family are still saying the same thing to her, that she needs to get her PLEASE READ together. They are very unaware of what they are dealing with though and think her getting rid of the bf will get rid of the problem, they don't seem to realise SHE is the problem.

I have told nan I will protect my son at all costs and will not allow him to go back to a situation that he hated. Nan tried to encourage me to talk to her to maybe "sort it out" as she feels that my ex knows she has just PLEASE READ it all up again and feels terrible. I simply shut her down and reiterated the point of the communication, my son.

I'm not happy that my son has lied to me. I'm going to chat with him the weekend and reiterate that he is not responsible for his mom's feelings and his are important. I feel like a lot could happen the next few days.

[Longterm]

Yesterday I secured a child protection plan for my son. There is to be an investigation into safeguarding issues surrounding him. CS have spoken to my ex and she has told them she plans to move to the bf's house. CS have also spoken to my boy but he has denied everything I told them that I have concerns about, I did expect this and it is no surprise to me as I knew he would be worried about the implications of opening his mouth, I had a similar issue with my older son last year. CS In this country will only normally act if there is a disclosure from the child themselves, this is crazy I know when I consider what I told them about this man's abuse towards my children and the eventual attempted suicide of my ex. CS said they are only doing an investigation because my ex disclosed plans to move, I don't understand this, unless they know something I don't?. Imo the results of this investigation will not be beneficial to my son as my ex has retaliated in brutal fashion.

She has branded me yet again the "twisted ex" and fabricated events. She used her mom and daughter to contact me stating I am no longer allowed to see my son.

I have contacted her and it did not go well, by all accounts, it was a disaster.

She has accused me of making false allegations against the bf to CS. She has told her family and my children that I have accused the bf of being a paedophile and of inappropriately touching my son, thus having had my son endure a grilling by CS and causing unfair stress to him.

I HAVE NOT MADE THESE ALLEGATIONS!

I called her and the best way I can describe our chat is "a lamb to the slaughter".

She was extremely grandiose, very cocky, very sure of herself and loved the fact I had contacted her. She was talking like a child explaining to me how much suffering I had caused my son, how dare I put him through that, do I not care about what he wants? I completely lost it, just completely lost it.

There was self entitlement, belittling, manipulation, gas lighting, condescension, guilt tripping, you name it. It just pushed me over the edge and I unleashed a tirade that my friends could hear 2 football fields away, she was goading me, laughing at me and I fell for it big time. 

I am trying to stay centred and that is why I have posted this update.

I think it's important to look at the facts.

At present there is an investigation into my son's safety.

He is still currently at nan's so is ok.

I know my son has not been asked these questions because those allegations are false.

In all likelihood I can prove I have not made these allegations.

Her gas lighting is just that.

Nobody believes I have said these things.

This is her attempt to justify denying access, a defence mechanism if you will.

The thing I am struggling with is my anger, i have never lost it like that with her, I always kept silent and would not fuel her. I feel ashamed of myself and shocked that I am still very angry, angry to the point where I am scared. I feel almost as if I am losing control and this has been building this week gradually.

Why am I so damn angry?

She promised me that my son would be kept out of their "relationship" and I feel that this is my major issue but why get so angry to this point? Am I angry because of something else?

I am trying to sit with my feelings and think about it but I cannot see what the problem is. I normally think very logically and anger is something that is generally not a part of me, when something happens I normally say "right, how can this get fixed".

I did get bad news last week. My brother who committed suicide in April has been cremated without my knowing. This was just before I had found out about my son being around the bf. Could this be my true source?

Is it the shame I feel because I allowed the ex to hurt us again?

Is it the brutal rejection that I've sat on?

Or is it just everything? I could write a library on the events of the past 4-5yrs.

[worriedStepmom]

I'm so sorry about your brother.

I'm sorry you weren't informed about the cremation.

I'm sorry your son is having to go through so much.

I'm glad you protected him by getting the authorities involved.

Please see a counselor to work on your own mental health.  Your ex can use your anger against you.  A good therapist can help you to work through your feelings and remain calm(er) in the face of so much provocation.  When we feel better, we parent better.

[Longterm]

I'm so sorry about your brother.

I'm sorry you weren't informed about the cremation.

It's a long story. My brothers scattered my mom and dads ashes without me and as a result I cut them completely out of my life. When my other brother died they used his death to contact me wanting us all to sort out our differences. I declined this offer as I feel for me to have relations with them I have to accept what they did, I do not accept it and it is not ok. I have had other issues but this was the nail in the coffin. I feel what they have done is very spiteful yet not entirely surprising, a direct snub because I would not accept their offer.

I'm sorry your son is having to go through so much.

Unfortunately he is my weakness, and she knows this, he will be used to hurt me. She purposely used him in our conversation to goad me.

It still surprises me the way that she is. I tried to explain to her that SHE told me this man has acted in all kinds of ways towards my children and that she was scared of him, I said "surely you can see why I have concerns?" She told me that this guy has done more for my kids than I ever have, I kindly reminded her that they hate him to which she said "only because of crap you've put in their head". There is no middle ground, nothing, he is god again. I told her I think it's best if my boy comes with me for a while as I feel her mental health should be her main focus (a fools errand). She told me she is on top of her mental health? and I have nothing to offer my son because I am scum for making allegations when she knows full well I haven't? I cannot communicate with this woman, I should not have made contact. She makes my head spaghetti and I start to question reality. It is mind numbing and nonsensical. To see somebody i once held in such high esteem act like this is horrible, the damage BPD does to people/families is devastating.

Please see a counselor to work on your own mental health.  Your ex can use your anger against you.  A good therapist can help you to work through your feelings and remain calm(er) in the face of so much provocation.  When we feel better, we parent better.

I looked into this before my ex came back, there is currently a 20wk waiting period but I am literally weeks away now. I'm pretty sure it's around the time I planned to file for divorce which is 2wks away. I'm aware she will use it against me yes, I need to stay distanced and concentrate on what I need to do next. Top of my list is access to my son, I'm unsure how long this process is but I'm going to try and get something temporary in place. I was thinking of going to nan's tomorrow and removing my son by force but I'm pretty sure it will not end well and so have changed my mind. I do have PR but he doesn't need to see arguments. I have messaged him tonight and told him that I will be making plans and to hold tight.

[ForeverDad]

Glad to read that you've started a legal process to seek greater parental authority and parenting due to ex's relationship and living situation.  There's a principle, a concept, that may help you...

It may be easier to act and ask for forgiveness later than wait for permission.

The point is that courts likely won't throw the book at you (as we Nice guys and Nice Gals are too likely to fear) when you can document that your concerns are at least partly justified and you were acting in the best interests of the children.

[Longterm]

Hi FD.

So much has happened today.

Ex has moved in with bf today, she has told my son he has to go. It has got to the point where she has had enough of his non compliance and has told him hes to do as she says. Exes mom and family are really not happy and have told the ex to not ask to move in again because its a no. They are frustrated, convinced she is making a mistake and expect it all to happen again, i agree. Exes mom is also relieved she has gone, they had had enough of her.

I saw a solicitor today and was fairly surprised by what he said. I was of the understanding that because i have PR, if my son chooses to live with me there is nothing my ex can do. Having PR actually goes further than this, if my son is with me at my place, i can actually refuse to hand him over, even if HE wishes to go back to his mom. Police will NOT do anything unless there is a risk to life. Im thinking all sorts of things right now. I could literally pick him up early from school on monday and tell him he lives with me now! BUT... this obviously works both ways and thats where im a bit stumped at present. We could end up playing out a very pathetic game of who gets to school first.

As far as access goes, she will lose hands down because i have PR. To get the access order (i forgot the name) i would only have to pay £215. The thing that bothers me is that i would not only have to agree on access times/logistics etc, but also who my son lives with. If we cannot agree on this im wondering if that will slow things down. Obviously i want to see my boy as soon as possible.

Custody for me is simply not an option, it would cost more money than i make in a year. Im frustrated by this but it is what it is.

Everybody does seem to agree that my boy will jump ship as the rest have done at some point, im also convinced of this. My problem is what will he have to go through before that happens. The mother/son dynamic has been broken, he is the favourite yet he has been 2nd place to the bf, i know this has upset him, along with his mom currently not taking his thoughts into consideration, there will be resentment building. Her anger has to channel somewhere, it wont be directed at the bf because she needs somewhere to live so im guessing she will direct it to my son. At some point, i will get access that quite rightly me and my son are entitled to, she can huff and puff as much as she wants, its not her right to take that away, morally, its incorrect and that is why she has thrown about accusations, to deflect the attention off of this fact.

So i am deep in thought right now.

I have not seen him since the last time. I had ordered things for him online and he was waiting for them and was messaging everyday asking if they had arrived. This week there has been no messages at all. He messaged his brother today and asked him, why did he not message me? Im guessing he is not only banned from seeing me, but also banned from speaking to me. From my meeting today i know she cannot stop me from seeing him, only £215 stands in my way and i will be going ahead with this in the next few weeks after the divorce is payed for.

CS have advised me to steer clear of my ex and not go anywhere near their house. They said they are still investigating but are aware of the move. Thats just ridiculous right? They are doing an investigation into my sons safety yet are aware he just moved in with a sex offender? Surely they should of told her to leave him at his nans for the time being? The social worker is talking to me like im the problem here. Apparently my ex plans to get an injunction on me? I just said whatever.

The biggest thing i took from today is that it will be fairly easy to get access to my son, she cannot fight it, she has no right, i have PR. The only thing she can do is claim im an unfit parent, she would need money/evidence to do this, she has neither.