Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 04:21:43 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Ugg..major dysregulation in process...lecture to my children about "my lies"  (Read 470 times)
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« on: July 10, 2019, 07:05:02 AM »


Apparently there is a no notice trip and this is how she intends to "get my permission" to go do this.

She isn't going to her planned training today and claims that she is quitting her job...so she can "be around to monitor me" all the time.

Sigh...

FF
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2019, 07:24:15 AM »


And..when it rains..it pours.

My daughter (D13)..just came inside and informed us one of her bunnies has passed away.   She used to have 4...now is down to 1. 

"poof" my wife switched from this nasty person to an "uber compassionate" person in a second.

Kind of nudged me out of the way while I was trying to comfort D13.

Ugg.

FF
Logged

Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2019, 08:28:51 AM »

These are previously well trodden routes to get Sergent Major FF going if I'm not correct. She wants 'it' from you. My guess is you have a choice as to whether or not to give 'it' to her or act differently... what 'differently' means behaviour ceases and what 'differently' means she escalates because she's not getting the hook she wants.

This is clearly all about YOU... but not, if you know what I mean in the context of BPD.
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2019, 08:36:21 AM »


So...is it better to be present to say "no" in front of children to crazy stuff...or remove myself?

That's a conundrum.  Sometimes I've been able to end bad talks that crossed a line.  She seems to understand that and danced around "the line" this morning.

Sigh...there is also a "need" for me to understand a bit what is going on.  Once it seemed she was going to dance around "the line" and be vague about things..I disengaged and went upstairs.

And of course..in other news.  Apparently FFw and daughter are taking the rabbit to get an autopsy or something like that.   I left the house for a bit to pick up some auto parts.  Before leaving all parties were clear (led by my wife) that this is sad but no use to go get an autopsy done.  D13 was ok with that decision...I return and apparently something else is now happening.

Bizzaro BPD land

FF
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2019, 08:38:19 AM »


This is clearly all about YOU... but not, if you know what I mean in the context of BPD.

I do...I suppose one of my questions is how you find the balance between having a conversation (and potentially giving them a bit of what they want) versus "stonewalling" or disengaging.


My guess is in all relationships (including bpd ones)..that's a moving target.  I'm hoping to make sure I'm thinking about it as well as I can.

Best,

FF
Logged

Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2019, 09:00:38 AM »

I guess I would see acting like a fence... or maybe even a wall. You're inanimate but do not let things cross 'the line'. You don't attack and you don't shame, you just don't let things pass the line. "FFw... THIS IS NOT OKAY", "FFw, that is NOT factual", "Please desist from this, NOW".

It's neither passive nor aggressive... you're just there. Now is not the time for conversations or discovery, it's time for protecting the line. Autopsy is just another hook as she knows it's unecessary expenditure designed to hook you into 'cage construction'.

Other hints of cage construction / searching for 'freedom' would be "I'm running off on holiday and you're not capable of stopping me". "I'm quiting my job and there's nothing you can do to stop that either... I'm freeing myself from the bondage of being controlled by my employer".

Enabler
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2019, 09:03:13 AM »

  "FFw... THIS IS NOT OKAY", "FFw, that is NOT factual", "Please desist from this, NOW".

 

OK...pretty much what I did.  A few times I added extra details and ventured into Jade.  I wish now I hadn't. 

FF
Logged

Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #7 on: July 10, 2019, 09:10:09 AM »

You regret the additional details or the whole stance?

I'm visualising a massive doorman who keeps looking straight faced whilst someone has a flap about not being allowed in to the club. A slight shimmy each way is all that's needed to prevent entry. Minimal words
Logged

GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2019, 09:34:08 AM »

FF, did you ever read the email? Has something been simmering with FFw?
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2019, 09:42:48 AM »

FF, did you ever read the email? Has something been simmering with FFw?

I'm thinking this has to do with the "empty nest syndrome" even though you still have 7 in the nest. When children marry, it's proof positive that one is getting older. Likewise, the death of the bunny echoes the brevity of life.

Getting a necropsy doesn't seem unreasonable should your daughter choose to get more bunnies. So sorry about the loss. She's been through a lot this year with the concussion and losing her precious little friends.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2019, 09:48:39 AM »

And children abandon you...
Logged

Fian
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 627


« Reply #11 on: July 10, 2019, 10:33:08 AM »

How often do you have a heart to heart with your wife?  I know that right now she is in the middle of a dysregulation, but before that did you discuss how she was feeling about a child leaving the nest?  I wonder if some dysregulations could be avoided if the pwBPD was given an opportunity to talk about their feelings.  Maybe when they are feeling bad, they don't really know why, so they instead lash out on someone to vent their bad feelings.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #12 on: July 10, 2019, 11:02:35 AM »


I would say this past summer we have had several "heart to hearts".  For the most part they seemed healthy and I even felt listened to.  Generally the talks were about the marriage and some about our marriage.  So...at least 3 long talks qualified and likely more like 6-7.  Plus several moments (5 minute things) that to me were wonderful.

Said another way...there were many times this summer where I almost forgot about the crazy.  In fact..more times I forgot about it than times like this where "it" showed back up.

No I haven't read email yet.

I agree empty nest is likely.

FF
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #13 on: July 10, 2019, 11:22:57 AM »


Didn't mean to skip answering a question (FF jade...didn't sleep that much/well). 

I regret the extra jade and extra words.  I had a conversation with my P on the phone and we practiced for "next time".  Disengage and let everyone know the conversation is inappropriate when disengaging is her advice.  We had practiced that a long time ago...so I wish I had done it better.  She didn't really say I did bad..just could have addressed the situation better.

We have a normal session for later this afternoon.  I'm sure we will talk more.

This just in

Apparently the trip is off...or perhaps FFw Dad is going to do the trip.  I have heard this from listening to conversations around the house.

FFw agreed to chat during a brief phone call earlier.   I get home and ask if it's a good time and she said "I'm going regardless..."  a few minutes later (30 min or so)..apparently the trip is off.

Maybe they will fly to Alaska this evening...who knows. 

FF
Logged

PeteWitsend
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 854


« Reply #14 on: July 10, 2019, 01:55:01 PM »

FF do your kids ever intervene to tell FFw she's out of line?

In my experience, when my XW would escalate a discussion into an argument, and my oldest son would tell XW she was the one yelling or who started it, she would get this  "mental overload" look on her face and storm off, but drop it. 

Was pretty hilarious to see a toddler have that effect on a grown adult.  But she couldn't handle someone else cutting through the dysregulation to confirm that indeed, she was the one who was in the wrong. 
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #15 on: July 10, 2019, 04:33:57 PM »


In my experience, when my XW would escalate a discussion into an argument, and my oldest son would tell XW she was the one yelling or who started it, she would get this  "mental overload" look on her face and storm off, but drop it. 
 

Sort of...

She has claimed before that others are "yelling" and some of the olders have said that she was "ranting"...

There was an uncomfortable pause when she realized everyone else is calm and she was not.  Didn't really storm off..but a complete misdirection/change of direction.

FF
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #16 on: July 10, 2019, 04:44:51 PM »


OK...good session with P today.

Here is the theory of what's "really" going on.  A few days before the wedding FFw FIL had a heart procedure.  The balloon thing where they clean out arteries.  There are debating if he had a heart attack..if he had one, it was very mild..almost undetectable.  (heard all this through family talk)

So...my wife and apparently MIL have been trying to keep him in line (control him) so he doesn't mess up his heart. 

I think my wife knew he was going to drive a car about 6 or 7 hours without A/c...and so she decided she would deliver the car and the cousin instead.  She tried to bull through on my side and FIL side as well...and then "poof"...FIL left in car with cousin.

Near as I can figure he is sick of being controlled...and is going to do what he wants...my wife is freaking out about this and likely will be all worked up until he is back home and safe.

My guess is this is where "all" or "most" of the upset is lately...that her "control" over the situation is ebbing. 

P did some coaching today and advised I stay disconnected until FIL is safe back home. 

P listened to some of the interaction today and when my wife mentioned her Dad..there was a big edge to it...more so than anything else. 

Basically..standard upset kitchen sink stuff...even stuff from 5 or 10 years ago...standard BPD drivel.  Then she would mention her Dad and there was a noticeable change...worry...

So...that's what I've got.  If I didn't know better..I'd say my wife is avoiding me now...

FF
Logged

Fian
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 627


« Reply #17 on: July 10, 2019, 05:05:51 PM »

I can understand your wife being concerned that her dad might die, and may want to take unscheduled trips as a result to prevent him from dying.  That is normal.  It appears that she doesn't have confidence that if she asked you to support her on a trip, that you would support her.  You might be able to calm things down by telling her that if she needs to take a trip to visit her dad, you would support her in doing so.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #18 on: July 10, 2019, 05:31:37 PM »

Her Dad is a couple blocks away...walking distance.  She see's him on a daily basis. 

My "theory" is that FFw and MIL were trying to "control" him and he was done with it.  So...he drove the car and delivered the cousin.

Yes...we have had many talks and much flexibility over his health issues. 

What she can't stand is him not doing as he is told...sound familiar?

FF
Logged

Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #19 on: July 11, 2019, 02:10:25 AM »

Nice detective work. Funny how just having your 'broker ear' constantly hearing enables you to pick up on little snippets of info you were otherwise not supposed to know / haven't been overtly told.

As you P recommends your role in this period is to minimise the damage that's done till the storm blows through. The silent bouncer.

Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #20 on: July 11, 2019, 01:40:59 PM »


I ran my plan by P..she likes it.

Take her out to eat...do not sit across from her or intently look at her...be vague and see if she wants to talk..let her fill in whatever she wants to talk about.  Perhaps that will help let some emotional air out.

No chance she will be able to process anything I directly ask her about...or talk about what should or shouldn't be talked about in front of the kids.

Oh by the way...super religious FFw showed up today...she's reading and preaching from the Bible (hasn't happened in a couple months)...luckily it's pretty straightforward stuff..I'm staying clear.

Oh..back to Enablers comment about the "ear".  This can be combined with the understanding of patterns and emotional triggers...put a couple of those together and you can figure it out.

Another way of saying that she's not learning new tricks but repeating old patterns

FF
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!