8 Months out of house, zero contact with hostile alienated kids

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, here are the highlights...


 - 17 year marriage, D11, S16, I'm sole breadwinner, she's stay at home mom
- been functionally separate for 3 years, her sleeping on couch, not getting along. While I worked, she went shopping.
- kids havent been to school in years, son has had issues that have built up over time and I'm the one blamed for them.  She took him off prescription meds and sourced medical cannabis for him so all he does is play xbox and smoke weed.  He has gotten more aggressive, and we've had some physical alterations (him pushing, me restraining him)   I now understand what alienation is and how she has been doing it for years
- younger daughter also out of school, is dyslexic.  Had a wonderful relationship with her until I left, she now knows wife's and sons narrative word for word.
-since leaving, everything has been a battle.  She stopped taking daughter and son to therapists "because they don't want to go".   Daughters therapist was so concerned she didn't return that she called CAS in.   Therapist told me there were clear signs of enmeshment with mother, and that she believed there were undiagnosed issues.

Anyway, my priorities now are to:

a)re-establish contact with D11, even though she says she hates me.  CAS caseworker has even volunteered to act as a therapeutic intermediary (not required supervision).
b) Get both kids back to therapists
c)Move toward proper shared parenting time with D11
d) get court order to force S16 off cannabis and into therapy, otherwise he's going nowhere in life.   Can't force access with him due to age, but know his mother has made him dependent on her so she can justify her own self-importance
e) move on with life.  Still paying all household expense of matrimonial home, on top of rental unit for me...and of course, lawyer fees.

For years I was programmed that I was being unreasonable, that I needed to change, that I didn't understand my children.  I was the bad cop while she was the good cop...until she became no cop, so I was the bad guy, whether it was saying no to a purchase (which she would just wait until I was at work and put on the credit card), or enforcing consequences for bad behavior (like taking the xbox away, and then getting told I couldn't do that because I was at work all day and didn't have to "deal with him").   I realize now that I haven't been crazy, I haven't been unreasonable, and that my gut was right when telling me that my home was not as it should be.   I miss my kids every damn day, even my son who told me via facetime months ago he wished he could "watch me burn..."   Wife's court response stated that I was "an angry and abusive father that the kids never had a good relationship with"...awaiting the involvement of the office of the children's lawyer.  Yes, she was the stay at home mom, but she wasn't doing anything that a mom should...why should she be the status quo primary custodian?  Penalizing me for being the sole breadwinner seems unfair.

Healing slowly, trying to function daily.  Have lost a ton of weight since I'm not eating or exercising the way I used to.   trying to stay positive, but the idea that I've lost my kids forever keeps sneaking in.  Anyway, that's about it.   I'm sure not as bad as a lot on here, but certainly not straight forward either.

[Tigg_rrr]

So, here are the highlights...


 - 17 year marriage, D11, S16, I'm sole breadwinner, she's stay at home mom
- been functionally separate for 3 years, her sleeping on couch, not getting along. While I worked, she went shopping.
- kids havent been to school in years, son has had issues that have built up over time and I'm the one blamed for them.  She took him off prescription meds and sourced medical cannabis for him so all he does is play xbox and smoke weed.  He has gotten more aggressive, and we've had some physical alterations (him pushing, me restraining him)   I now understand what alienation is and how she has been doing it for years
- younger daughter also out of school, is dyslexic.  Had a wonderful relationship with her until I left, she now knows wife's and sons narrative word for word.
-since leaving, everything has been a battle.  She stopped taking daughter and son to therapists "because they don't want to go".   Daughters therapist was so concerned she didn't return that she called CAS in.   Therapist told me there were clear signs of enmeshment with mother, and that she believed there were undiagnosed issues.

Anyway, my priorities now are to:

a)re-establish contact with D11, even though she says she hates me.  CAS caseworker has even volunteered to act as a therapeutic intermediary (not required supervision).
b) Get both kids back to therapists
c)Move toward proper shared parenting time with D11
d) get court order to force S16 off cannabis and into therapy, otherwise he's going nowhere in life.   Can't force access with him due to age, but know his mother has made him dependent on her so she can justify her own self-importance
e) move on with life.  Still paying all household expense of matrimonial home, on top of rental unit for me...and of course, lawyer fees.

For years I was programmed that I was being unreasonable, that I needed to change, that I didn't understand my children.  I was the bad cop while she was the good cop...until she became no cop, so I was the bad guy, whether it was saying no to a purchase (which she would just wait until I was at work and put on the credit card), or enforcing consequences for bad behavior (like taking the xbox away, and then getting told I couldn't do that because I was at work all day and didn't have to "deal with him").   I realize now that I haven't been crazy, I haven't been unreasonable, and that my gut was right when telling me that my home was not as it should be.   I miss my kids every damn day, even my son who told me via facetime months ago he wished he could "watch me burn..."   Wife's court response stated that I was "an angry and abusive father that the kids never had a good relationship with"...awaiting the involvement of the office of the children's lawyer.  Yes, she was the stay at home mom, but she wasn't doing anything that a mom should...why should she be the status quo primary custodian?  Penalizing me for being the sole breadwinner seems unfair.

Healing slowly, trying to function daily.  Have lost a ton of weight since I'm not eating or exercising the way I used to.   trying to stay positive, but the idea that I've lost my kids forever keeps sneaking in.  Anyway, that's about it.   I'm sure not as bad as a lot on here, but certainly not straight forward either.