Car parts tossed in yard...then picked up and nice note left

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Yesterday was a "pull" day..lots of lovely dovey.

Today she got ticked (apparently) that some deliveries that were car parts (for her "new to us" vehicle) were not stowed in the garage soon enough.  (Several other projects have junked up the garage...hoping to dig out of those today)


The garage door from kitchen comes open and boxes get tossed out to the point where I can't walk...the only pathway is literally back where they came from so I started carrying boxes back in and asked that she wait until space was created for them..before sending them out.

Yelling stomping hollering...I went back out to the garage and continued on.  I came in for water later and there were no boxes.  Hmm...Ohh...those boxes all over the yard...nice.

I didn't say anything. 

2 hours later a nice neat stack of boxes inside with a nice "lovey dovey" note on them.  I've not read the full note yet.  I will.

It's rare...I can't remember a story at the moment of tossing stuff out in the yard.  I would guess it's happened before but it's not her go to tool.

No prior communication from her...I had let her know after the delivery I would work through them as I could.  They were tucked in an unused corner of the eat in kitchen where a cooler normally is. 

Sigh...

FF

[formflier]

Yesterday was a "pull" day..lots of lovely dovey.

Today she got ticked (apparently) that some deliveries that were car parts (for her "new to us" vehicle) were not stowed in the garage soon enough.  (Several other projects have junked up the garage...hoping to dig out of those today)


The garage door from kitchen comes open and boxes get tossed out to the point where I can't walk...the only pathway is literally back where they came from so I started carrying boxes back in and asked that she wait until space was created for them..before sending them out.

Yelling stomping hollering...I went back out to the garage and continued on.  I came in for water later and there were no boxes.  Hmm...Ohh...those boxes all over the yard...nice.

I didn't say anything. 

2 hours later a nice neat stack of boxes inside with a nice "lovey dovey" note on them.  I've not read the full note yet.  I will.

It's rare...I can't remember a story at the moment of tossing stuff out in the yard.  I would guess it's happened before but it's not her go to tool.

No prior communication from her...I had let her know after the delivery I would work through them as I could.  They were tucked in an unused corner of the eat in kitchen where a cooler normally is. 

Sigh...

FF

[Notwendy]

Sounds like she tossed them out when angry but then when she felt better realized she should clean it up.

This is self correction. I see it as a good thing- not the tossing the parts out but realizing it and cleaning it up.

I wouldn't say it's her go to thing to do unless it happens repeatedly.

Isn't she about the age of peri-menopause? Changing hormone levels might make her especially moody.

[formflier]

Yeah...this morning she is "normal"...nice..pleasant.

More comments on the moody thing in a bit.

FF

[formflier]

So...here's a good story and also a question to the group of how I bring something like this up..suggest something like this.

Backstory...as you guys know..we are a horse family.  Right now just 2.  (I suppose 8-10 was our high point years ago)  A mare that we have had a long time and a relatively new gelding we have had for a just a few years.
...
The mare has been great up until the last year and she has been stuck in heat...very moody.  Vets tried a few things and we eliminated any cause such as tumors and all that.  Basically a clean bill of health...just cranky over the female hormones.

There is a certain other member of bpdfamily that is very knowledgeable about horses...  I reached out and got suggestions about herbal supplements specifically for this kind of behavior thing  (Big prize to anyone that figures out the mystery member!   )

I suppose we are a good month into the supplements and my daughters and wife are going on and on about how wonderful the mare is now.  In fact..my wife has been riding her a bunch lately.

Well...big picture.  Lots of people riding horses...new to us dually in the family that could allow two truck/two trailer adventures in the future...so the thought of another horse has been talked about some.

Well...we are having breakfast and my wife is talking about a horse for her and out of nowhere she states..."I'm only interested in a gelding.  One nice and calm.  Sure (insert name of mare) is much better now but I don't want to deal with a moody female."

Cue FF grinning...cue S16 grinning.  Cue D13 giggling.  Then FFw catches on.  She knows better than to go directly after me...because I'll have a "healthy" response...so she starts after S16..asking why he is grinning.

I jump in..."S16...there is no upside to anything coming out of your mouth.  Just grin...most likely you will survive.  Good luck.."

Lots of laughter now at the table and we move on.

However...there is a real chance that a cocktail such as we give the mare could benefit her.  She does have her gynecologist appointment in a month or so.  How in the world do I bring this up?

At the moment I think directly.    

For those concerned about S16...he wisely stayed quiet.  Kept grinning and survived the death ray.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

You aren't too far out with this idea. They used to give Premarin to women in menopause. It was estrogen, derived from horse urine. They don't do this anymore as there were medical problems when women took it long term. Many gyn's don't use a lot of hormones but some will do it short term to relieve some symptoms. Some integrative medicine docs will use bioidentical hormones, not made from Premarin.

They will discuss the options with your wife and let her choose.

[GaGrl]

Yes, what she said. Premarin use showed elevated incidences of ovarian cancer. The medical community is much more aware of perimenopause now, so I have to believe there are multiple options available to ease the transition.

I'm imagining four people at the table grinning, and having a smile.

[Red5]

I'm imagining four people at the table grinning, and having a smile.

Several years back, my S32(autistic) was being dropped off my his mentor... an older lady, we will call her “Gretchen”... usually Mrs Gretchen and Red5W would spend a few minutes talking about each other’s foo...

This one instance... I was listening to them talk a few feet adjacent at the kitchen island with a glass of sweet tea... Mrs Gretchen was talking about her sons gf... and it was then that Red5W comes out with... “I used to only see things in black and white, but I’ve since learned that things in life are far different and most things I cannot control”...

I almost choked... I fought back hysterical laughter... almost spitting out my sip of sweet tea!...

Yeah... oh’ the humanity!

Sometimes I think person whom is borderline actually understands... and let’s lose a “Freudian slip” now and again...

To hear her actually say that “floored me”...

Another time... after a very tense discussion... a time that the tools actually worked, Red5W comes out with... “you handled me well”...

WHAT!

I was like... in my mind... “YGTBSM” !

Hang in there Formflier... I am imagining a hangar deck full of E-2 Hawkeyes, all waiting on engines and props !

Red5

[empath]

However...there is a real chance that a cocktail such as we give the mare could benefit her.  She does have her gynecologist appointment in a month or so.  How in the world do I bring this up?

IF she mentions something about being emotional/moody/grumpy, you might "wonder aloud" about maybe there might be some supplements that could help her with it.

"S16...there is no upside to anything coming out of your mouth.  Just grin...most likely you will survive.  Good luck.."

Nice navigation there...  Sounds like some of my conversations with my h about his pastor and church...  I couldn't grin, though, because h was complaining about how abusive the pastor was... 

I might have grinned later... 

[AskingWhy]

FF, my uBPD H seems to be getting better after thy roid and hor mone treatment.

One time, he dysregulated and broke some kit chen items, sending glass and juice all over the kitchen floor.

I cleared the room of the pets (who had already fled) and H silently cleaned it up.  I said nothing and did nothing.

The next morning there was a note of apology on the kitchen table for me.  (H leaves for work before I do.)

A little bit of introspection?  Hor mones can certainly be considered as part of the problem.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi FF-

Not sure if this helps but it sure saved me from difficult problems my friends report.  I had a total hysterectomy almost 15 years ago when I was 47 and my Gyno gave me a little estrogen patch to hand him the morning of my surgery.  Since I was not yet in menopause at that time, and this patch contains less estrogen than I was making myself, my body never knew (and still doesn’t know) the difference. 

Hope this isn’t TMI, but the lady bits are as happy as they were at 25, all due to that patch! 

Sometimes I tease uBPDbf and tell him if he doesn’t watch himself I’ll rip off the patch and show him who I REALLY am!  Naturally only when he’s in a very giggly mood.

Gems

[Enabler]

Enabler W is peri-menopause and has been since 34 (struggled to conceive D6). She had the coil fitted late 2017... progesterone and low oestrogen has always historically sent her into a tail spin of depression (when she switched from combined pill to mini pill in 1998). 98 was a terrible terrible terrible year, all because of the confusion of what is an isn't a migraine (migraines are one sided)... bad regular headaches are likely because of her unresolved anger with everyone and anything.

I raised this in our brief period of couples counselling... counsellors response was "and?"... that was the end of that. Hormones in my opinion are just another factor that means a person is more likely to reach the meniscus of dysregulation, to the point of their emotional cup overflowing.

Enabler   

[Red5]

Hmmm,

Red5W also had a full hysterectomy in 2003/04 right at the very end of her first marraige (20yrs), she would have only been about thirty six at this time... long before I came along...the story she tells me is that she had to hurry up the process before the divorce was final due to insurance, and it was actually done on the day before Christmas Eve of 03/...

She told me another story, that before her and her H got married in 1984, that the doctor had to actually break her hymen so she could conceive a child?... she was only sixteen then...I’ve never figuered that one out.

Her D33 has been married three times now, her H#2... she was also taking treatments in order to try to conceive a child with this man... but it didn’t work, and all through that five year marriage she too had severe migraines... which don’t occur anymore now as far as I know?

There may be... Red5 is clueless here, but I’ve read about connections... estrogen - hormones - treatments - and borderline... good and bad things,

Interesting,

... I however shudder to think what Red5W must have been like when she was in her monthly bloom... wow, poor H#1... wow : (

Red5  

[Enabler]

I think of it as cumulative emotions. anything that's emotional just gets poured in. If nothing at all is going on and there's no other stress it's all tolerable and everyone's happy. Add something else to the mix, or add hormones to an already stressed person and bingo... they overflow. It's not cause nor effect, it's one of the contributors.

It was a huge detraction right up to the point where I found BPD, but it never explained everything... not like BPD and childhood trauma does. It's been a good excuse for her over the years as well.

FF, re-stacking the box I count as a win... her conscience at least has a pulse, albeit takes a while to kick in and doesn't always make a noise at the time.

Enabler   

[formflier]

I take it as a win as well.

I got a nice note (ok sanctimonious note)...as well.

Please put your car parts in the garage.  Putting them in the kitchen in my way so they won't be in yours is selfish.  You said "they will stay right there until I have time to put them away."  "You have time."  You just prioritize other things.

(big part scribble out.I can't read it)

I will leave them here because the bible tells me to obey my husband.  God can deal with your hear.

Love

FFw

That was left on top of the pile of boxes for everyone/anyone to read. 

Sigh..

FF

[formflier]

Anyone else have issues with pwBPD loosing keys...keeping up with keys?

I'm changing my part in how I deal with keys.  My current guess is provide her a master set she can take to home depot and make more of...or she can do without.  I won't be in between her key habits and her need for a key...

This morning she was rummaging around in my drawers where I have loose items and my key project (which is in work).  Her rummaging around and displacing things in there doesn't work for me...I suppose I'll have to find a way to lock that stuff up.  If I ask her to stay out...that will be like a red line in the sand...or one she will remember and go to when ticked off.

Thoughts?

FF

[Enabler]

Yes, she's lost about 3 back doors keys and 3 shed keys. I still have the originals. She leaves keys in the back door (main entrance and exit for us), kids when they were little used to take them and leave them around the house or garden. Also, not great when you're trying to unlock the door from the other side and there's a key in the door. For someone who's obsessed by security you'd have thought she'd take more care.

[formflier]

The amazing thing is for a while we had a shared key box with masters in them...and extras...and it worked out.

It's only been in the past year that "keys" have become an issue..and her inability to keep up with them has always been my fault.

Yet...she has one key and one swipe card for her work...to my knowledge has never lost it.   Hmmm

FF

[Enabler]

I guess it comes down to what is important to the individual... and head space. I know where everything is in the house. W will ring me up at work to ask where in a cupboard cumin seeds are. She'd have her head in the cupboard, she'd know what they look like and know what they smell like... regardless of this she'd seemingly rather use someone else's mental capacity to locate the right jar... which incidentally is the second shelf up, slightly left of the middle behind the chilli powder jar. Left to her own devices she's find it... but why bother when you can use someone else's energy.

Enabler

[Red5]

Please put your car parts in the garage.  Putting them in the kitchen in my way so they won't be in yours is selfish. 

You said "they will stay right there until I have time to put them away."  "You have time."  You just prioritize other things.

I will leave them here because the bible tells me to obey my husband.  God can deal with your heart(?).

… priceless, don't you just love it when they treat you like a child… scold you, and then smack you in the grape with the Bible… smh,

Its quite endearing…

Keys… yes, Red5W would lose keys, misplace things, and be paranoid that someone was going to break into the house… its sure got old…

… "paranoia" is a trait,

I used to, and still do, keep a huge key chain, that has ALL the spares on it… just in case… one time, my S29 was going to come over and feed the dogs, and walk them as we were going to take a trip someplace… well, she had a bit to much wine one night prior, had a little dysregulation, about "your S29 might try to drive my car while we are gone"… I JADE'ed her, to no avail… this was long before bpd epiphany… by years… so she took that "master set" and hid them somewhere in her dresser, closet, I'll never really know, and then didn't remember doing it… which added more paranoid bravo sierra… matter of fact, this "master set" stayed in a lost status for over a year… all the while she denied having hidden them, claimed I hid them in the shed from her (smh)… and then one day, out of the clear blue sky… there they were, deep in her dresser drawer… "SHAZAAM!"

She claimed I hid them there…

It never ends…

She is a door locker too… she would lock me out when she was in the midst… one time she locked the shed keys up in the shed… had to call the locksmith... thank goodness the Jeep(s) is "smart" and wont let you lock the "fob" inside"… the old Silverado, nope, she locked up the keys in there too…

… we have been separated now for seven months, and she told me that's she has locked herself out of her new home she bought about three times now…

Red5

[formflier]

Perhaps there is still a heartbeat in her conscience. 

Also validation to just leave things alone and let her work it out for herself.  Perhaps I'll speak to her in person about these later today. 

Basically this morning she couldn't find her keys...and freaked.  Stomping..yelling...kids staring at her.

I didn't respond to either email.  The second one came in 2 hours after the first..much nicer tone.

Sigh...although I suppose I should take this entire episode as good news.

FF

FF, since (SIL) and (D22) came home we have been sharing vehicle keys. Not you, you have your own set of keys. But the rest of us have been sharing. Zack began driving as well and we have been sharing with him also. This is something the parent at home takes care of. Please make a set of keys for each driver. We are set up to fail right now.
 You ordered one set of tweezers for yourself. No one else had tweezers. You then got upset when yours were borrowed and not returned. Should they have asked first? Yes. Returned them after using them? Yes. Should you have taken care of every member of this family instead of just yourself and gotten enough sets for all the adult or almost adults in this family so we don't have to beg for your one set? Yes.
Last night in bed you were great until you came. Then you literally laid there with your hand resting in my boob expecting me to take care of myself. I was definitely in the mood and well on the way to an orgasm. Until your clear lazy lack of interest killed my desire. You know how to be good in bed. At times you are awesome. Other times you just don't want to put in the effort. You just roll over and lay there.
If you are being vindictive because you feel I am not doing something in bed you want me to do please use your words and tell me that.If you don't want me to look in your drawer for an extra key please LABEL the keys and put them back in the key box I had hung in the pantry and hang it back up in the pantry.
Love, FFw

FF, I just wanted to say thank you for fixing the envoy for me. You got it going before you started working on your dually truck. I appreciate that. I also appreciate you stopping what you were doing and letting me lure you into the bedroom yesterday. I know I am not always as focused on pleasing you in the bedroom as I should be either. I am sorry my last email wasn't more loving. I am struggling with bitterness so I just want to apologize and let you know what I am thankful for. I wish we could go back to the time when we both liked each other and treated each other as if we were important. I love you.

[Cat Familiar]

Forgetfulness, irritability, mood swings, foggy thinking, anxiety, fatigue, depression, addictive behavior, sugar cravings, headaches, and sleep difficulties can all be signs of hormone imbalance.

Menopause symptoms can be alleviated with herbal remedies utilized in traditional medicine, acupuncture, and Chinese herbal formulas.

As others have mentioned, allopathic medicine’s use of Premarin is no longer standard protocol, due to severe potential side effects. However, there are many alternative options available including topical hormones, herbal supplements, and even herbal teas that can assist with the hormonal disruption of menopause and peri menopause.

I’m glad the mare is feeling better. Female horses can be quite difficult and potentially dangerous when they feel out of sorts.

[Notwendy]

Keys? LOL yes me! And I have that menopause thing going too.

Guys, have mercy and be thankful you still get to keep some of your testosterone over time.