Beginning to spot behavior patterns

[Jamspop]

I have a financial meeting next week, which could have a significant negative impact on our income, so was justifiably anxious. Woke up in night and worried, so then in morning I was tired, anxious and detached.

My BPD wife picked up on my anxiety immediately.

She was getting cross at me because of how my anxiety was going to affect her (reminds me of a few years ago when I was diagnosed with anxiety/depression - probably caused by her BPD although I didn't know it at the time - and she would get really angry at me, which in turn would make my anxiety even greater).

Behavior 1: my W always reacts negatively, often with anger, if I am not able to give her 100% support, even if the reason is illness or some other incapacity

She started to grill me about the meeting. Why was I anxious? What were the issues? This is what you have to do... Etc.

Behavior 2: my W has to take on everyone's problems and solve them, and they must go along with what they say. No negotiation.

I told her - probably not the best tactic! - that she was not helping my anxiety and it would help if she backed off a bit. So that was it, I was in for a major rage and rant. How horrible I was to do this to her etc. How hurtful it was to tell her to shut up (i didn't) etc...

Behavior 3: she really gets angry if people refuse her help, contradict her or worse, accuse her of interfering

The worst thing is I still have anxiety about next week, but my W just makes things worse so all I can do is bottle it up, try and work it out by myself... I have felt depressed all day, and feel the need to "walk on eggshells" around her. Up until this morning, our relationship had been good - for a week maybe. Now it is back down in the dumps again!

I am relatively new to BPD and this forum, but I can now see how these behaviors relate to BPD, and I think I am changing how I react to her behaviors as a result (although obviously not always successfully!).

One behavior I haven't really seen described anywhere is her need to solve everyone's problems. I wonder if this is a need to control, or perhaps an attempt to overcome feelings of emptiness?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[loyalwife]

Hi Jamspop,
      My upwBPD also rushes in to save the day, without being asked for assistance.  I used to think it was a 'helpful' trait of his, but have found that it has more to do with him thinking that his answer to the problem is 'best'. Sometimes it is not thought out enough, which leads to less than positive results.
       To keep the peace, I usually let go of my need to control the outcome. Unless it is harmful, or will bring obviously negative results; then I step in. The weird part about this is that he always complains that it is he that has to figure things out.
       The fact that your wife gets angry if someone contradicts her is a typical reaction of a pwBPD. It is perceived as disloyalty and as you mentioned there isn't any negotiating. And as a result, discernment must be made as to what, when and how to share information. Just recently (tonight) my husband said that my loyalty was not with him. This because I want to see my kids occasionally. It is the one non-negotiable item for our relationship. I'm a mom first, raised my these kids alone, and they are none of his business.  It was a matter of taking them off of the table for him to 'fix'.
    Changing how you react to your wife, and taking care of yourself will help to balance your life. It isn't easy, nor is anyone perfect at it, but we continue on. I've gotten a lot stronger through this forum. When I first came here, I was a complete mess. Today, I'm a work in progress!  You are on the right track.
     

[Jamspop]

Hi loyalwife

Thanks so much for your reply, it was a great relief to hear that someone else has the same experience, although I wish it wasn't so for both or sakes.

Sorry for the delay in replying, we've been away a few days, also I have difficulty finding private moments to write. But I have some other thoughts that I'd like to share with you, and maybe a question or two if that's alright - but it will have to wait until a more opportune moment!

But thanks again!

[Jamspop]

Reply
Hello again loyalwife

So much in your reply resonates with my experience.

Yes, my wife also thinks she always knows best. She is a nightmare to work with, and refuses to delegate, because I just wouldn't get it right. She also seems to get great satisfaction if I do do something and get it wrong. A kind of "I knew you'd get it wrong, you should have left it to me". Anything I, or my daughter, does she watches like a hawk, and points out any error. Or, if there is nothing to criticise, will point to something else that needs doing "I've cleaned the windows" "hmmm.. The rest of the flat is so dirty".

Also the martyr element. She will work herself ragged sorting other people and then complain she doesn't have time to get herself sorted. She tells the story (with some satisfaction) of her wedding to her first husband when she, as the bride, got everyone else ready and neglected to get herself ready.

And also, as you mentioned, the "why is it always me who has to sort things out", when you know you wouldn't be allowed to get involved, or she is getting involved in something she really shouldn't.

I do wonder whether this "sabotaging" is a kind of self harm? Working so hard to help others is resulting in her own health deteriorating, and I was wondering if your husband also suffers from a victim complex? My wife's constant refrain is that she has to work so hard (helping others) that she has no time or energy for herself, and the world is against her and she suffers so much. The result is a huge guilt trip on me as she collapses in a heap too exhausted to do a thing and I have to do all the chores while she recovers. There is also the hypochondria - she has cabinets filled with pills and potions for any number of ailments she believed she had - for about a week before the next (imaginary?) ailment comes along.

To an outsider she is an angel, always giving 150% to others, and it sometimes feels like I am ungrateful or insensitive...

Thank you once again for replying. I'm sorry this is a bit rambling, but it seems I have a lot of stuff that I need to air. I am so glad I have found this forum!

[Kingherc]

Jamspop
   My uBPDw is the same way. If and I don’t often anymore, I bring home problems she wants to fix them or berate me for handling it wrong. When I tell her she doesn’t understand the dynamics at work (I am in the military) she gets angry and storms off telling me not to ask for her help anymore even though I didn’t ask for it in the first place. I just needed to vent. I stopped venting and brainstorming problems with her years ago because of how she reacted and made me feel. It was awful and exhausting. By the end of it I always felt like I had done something wrong.

I think the others are right, they need to control something since they can’t control themselves and when we contradict, disagree, or take a different path in their mind it takes their value away and so they lash out.

[Red5]

I think the others are right, they need to control something since they can’t control themselves and when we contradict, disagree, or take a different path in their mind it takes their value away and so they lash out.

Self Worth Low to Zero ~> Control -&- Punish ~> Victim (Shame) ~> Self Worth Low to Zero ~> Control -&- Punish ~> Victim (Shame)… { cycle / recycle, }

"...and so they lash out "

Wash - Rinse - Repeat  ( "beginning to spot behavior patterns" )

'cycle / recycle' = pattern,

Me2 : (

[Jamspop]

Absolutely spot on Red. That crystallized my thoughts and I've realised that the underlying pattern is actually very simple, although the variations get very complicated!

Cheers

[Stillhopeful4]

Red,

YES.  This is so spot on!  If I disagree with my wife or suggest another way she will tell me "you are being so negative and I can't stand to be around you!"  Our therapist caught her doing it once and he called her out on it and said that's not being negative she just has a different perspective then you.  Yeah, needless to say she was upset with him and after our session said "I'm sick of him always taking YOUR side!"

[once removed]

One behavior I haven't really seen described anywhere is her need to solve everyone's problems. I wonder if this is a need to control, or perhaps an attempt to overcome feelings of emptiness?

im this way, on a much lower scale. i think a lot of people are.

other peoples problems make us uncomfortable on some level, especially when we cant help.

throw BPD into that. you have rejection sensitivity, plus the difficulty separating her feelings from yours.

its her limitation. its a big one. and she kinda makes it difficult for you.

She started to grill me about the meeting. Why was I anxious? What were the issues? This is what you have to do... Etc.

what would happen if you just thanked her (sincerely) and said youd take it into consideration, or something like that in your own words?

[Jamspop]

what would happen if you just thanked her (sincerely) and said youd take it into consideration, or something like that in your own words?

You make some good points there, thank you.

I think I would normally do as you said, but this time she pushed my buttons...

So following through with that thought - why did she push my buttons? Because as I mentioned it reminded me of the time I was suffering with anxiety and she reacted in a "your anxiety is causing me to suffer" type of reaction. And that is her reaction every single time I am Ill, or tired, or whatever... I am not allowed to suffer, it always has to be about her! So it is sometimes hard to stay calm!

Another example - one where I'd didn't react badly. Last week I discovered a lump where a man really doesn't want to discover a lump. Again, it was really causing me a lot of anxiety. I mentioned it to my pwBPD, and her first reaction was to talk about when she had a cyst removed forty years ago, and the suffering she had experienced. As soon as she said it it clicked in my head - remember, she always does this - there is no point in getting upset at her. So I just nodded and suppressed my own anxieties.

But it does niggle away at you, and there is a part of you wishes for just a small amount of sympathy and caring.

Oh, and the lump turned out to be benign...

Cheers

[once removed]

But it does niggle away at you, and there is a part of you wishes for just a small amount of sympathy and caring.

its a lot of peoples go to...to relate things to themselves. its bad manners 

how would something like (just an example) "im having a hard time and could really use a hug" (applied broadly) go? state whats going on in simple terms that dont give her a lot of room, ask for what you need.

[Jamspop]

how would something like (just an example) "im having a hard time and could really use a hug" (applied broadly) go? state whats going on in simple terms that dont give her a lot of room, ask for what you need.

Thank you for your suggestions, I will definitely try this next time it occurs (which it surely will!)

Cheers!