Finally Understood My Wife Has BPD; Need Help Dealing with Court Hearing

[Night Watchman]

Hi All,

I've been dealing with a separation process for almost three months now.

It's been the worst time of my life given that my wife took our baby son and refused to let me see him.  All of her demands are without any justification, making extreme false allegations as an excuse.  After the first month, I was allowed to see our son only with her family members.  Currently, only allowed to see our son with supervision from a counselor as imposed by her.

I can't tell you how humiliating it is to have someone "supervised" you when you have been taking care of your son since birth.  It's beyond ridiculous, but yet I have to endure it in order to see my son.

I've been a stay at home dad, taking care of our son since day one, equally with the wife.  But of course, now she says I didn't do anything.

She has accused me of anything and everything - domestic violence, child abuse, parental kidnapping, etc. etc. etc.  She almost got me arrested and keeps trying.
 Every new accusation is disturbing to hear and I initially tried to reason with her.  That only made it worst.  It seems her hate towards me (target) increases by the day.

I'm about to go into the temp orders hearing in a few weeks, hopefully to get some normalcy back into my life.  But reading about BPDs, I'm extremely worried she will get away with it in the short-term as she's a master manipulator and very charming.  In hindsight, I see now how she controlled me entirely during our married life.

The pain of seeing your own spouse trying to hurt you is unbearable.  I simply didn't understand this was possible.  It has helped now that I finally understand the source - based on research she's textbook BPD, word for word as she behaves exactly how I read BPDs are expected to behave.

It seems she wants to do anything in her power to destroy me, literally.  She once told me that it would be better if I kill myself, although I didn't really pay attention to her comment at the time.  But now in hindsight, it was one of many many red flags.

Now in the divorce process, she started using our son's second name.  And recently accused me of changing our son's name by me calling our son by his first name (same as mine).

The evilness of it all is incredible.  Any feedback appreciated.  I have a lawyer, whom I'm training about the BPD now that I know.

Posting here to ask if anyone has gone to court for temp orders under similar circumstances and can offer any feedback on how to handle myself with the court/judge.  It seems I'd only be defending myself against the endless array of false allegations.

Thank you for reading.  Please no worries if you don't have any similar experience.  If you do, I'd love to hear your advice.

[momtara]

You will find many people in similar situations and probably get good advice here. I'm sorry this is happening to you, especially with such a young child. The good news is that you have time to get it all sorted out, before he's aware what's happening. The book SPLITTING by Bill Eddy is a book that basically addresses these sorts of things and how a BPD person will make up things against you and try to use them in court. It's a starting point, but you'll know you're not alone when you read it. You can get free consultations from lawyers and see if you can find one who's dealt with a manipulative spouse. Having stayed home with your child is a good precedent. Try not to agree to anything that changes the precedent for the long-term, if you can help it. A good lawyer can guide you on this. Yes, supervised visitation is humiliating but do your best to comply for now - don't give her extra ammo. Good luck!

[GaGrl]

You may need to have your L read "Splitting" also. Your needs to know that this will be a high-conflict divorce. If he or she is not experienced in HCD and has mostly handled mediated settlements, he/she needs to get up to speed quickly, or get another lawyer to partner, or you might need to find another lawyer.

For now, make sure your lawyer is clear that you reject all accusations as false and that you will not entertain discussions that deny you a permanent custody arrangement that is best for your child.

[livednlearned]

She has accused me of anything and everything - domestic violence, child abuse, parental kidnapping, etc. etc. etc.  She almost got me arrested and keeps trying.

What happened when she tried to have you arrested?

What is your lawyer suggesting that you do?

If you haven't already started, begin documenting everything that is happening. Keep receipts so you have timestamps showing where you were.

You may need a deposition to get her testimony recorded -- this is a way for lawyers to size up witness credibility as well as produce a document that can be used for cross-examination in court if it comes to that.

My ex is a former trial attorney and he came across so poorly in the deposition I could see the expression on his lawyer's face that it was a losing case. Whereas I came in with 2 three-ring binders containing tabbed sections of all our emails. I documented everything in Google calendar then printed it out in agenda view so I could see things unfold in chronological order and kept a journal in Google docs that was titled: CONFIDENTIAL FOR MY ATTORNEY (her advice).

Can you find out exactly what will happen in that next hearing? A lot of us here learned the hard way that temp orders tend to be permanent. Judges look at it like, Hey they agreed to it the first time and it seemed to work so we'll just go with status quo for permanent orders."

Right now your ex has you on the defensive. To go on the offense, you will want to have her parenting evaluated by a custody evaluator. It's expensive, but there is not much about these cases that are cheap  

This board is probably one of the best resources on the internet for helping guide you through this, in addition to momtara's suggestion to read Splitting by Bill Eddy.

If your L won't read Splitting, at least have him/her read this article about what it means to take an assertive approach:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270440.msg12566140#msg12566140

[ForeverDad]

Both Gagrl and LivednLearned wrote excellent points.  If your lawyer is unprepared for an "anything goes" ex who feels no compunction at making horrendous allegations and cannot or will not be reasonable or listen to reason, then you seriously need a proactive and strong legal defense.  The average lawyer likely isn't up to the daunting task.

I recall my lawyer — very experienced and good at hearings and trial — wimped out at the temporary order hearing.  He just let the magistrate do the standard actions, defaulting mother to temp custody and temp majority time.  Oh, and I was required to pay child support retroactive to when I had filed a couple months before.  My ex had been totally blocking my preschooler, once the magistrate confirmed that from her he remarked "I'll fix that" and made the temp order similar to the prior ex parte temp order (for her prior allegations) that had been dismissed.  My lawyer whispered to me, "Shh.  Don't say anything, we'll fix it later."

Guess what that "we'll fix it later" meant.  My lawyer had previously estimated our case would take 7-9 months.  No, it was nearly two years, ex forced us to checkmark every step along the way including a Custody Evaluation!  And neither magistrate, judge or lawyers ever adjusted the temp order, the fixes were in the final decree.

Okay, I admit, one reason nothing much was presented in the initial divorce hearing was that only a half hour was allocated for it.  For others facing this, I encourage two things.

First, list the issues and concerns simply and clearly in writing, including that you seek substantial parenting authority and scheduled parenting time.  Have at least 3 copies with you, one for the court and one for each party.  They may not act on it but it gets the issues "on the record".  In my belief, that's important since you may get a different court official for future hearings.  The court may be reluctant since it seems to try not to put much that is 'actionable' on the record.

Second, try to make a brief statement "on the record" — is it being recorded? — even if only a minute.  Something like... "Your honor, I know some extreme claims have been made but until it became a legal issue, no allegations had previously been made.  My concern is that "sour grapes" or "punishment" is unfairly being attempted.  I have been an involved (stay at home) parent until now.  Any attempts to force supervised visits on me are unjustified and unsubstantiated.  I request to remain substantively involved as father and parent to my child.  I do have serious concerns about my spouse's extreme actions and parenting behaviors.  I believe I am the best to provide stable custodial and parenting care.  Should the court be reluctant at this time, then I can work with some sort of Decision Making or Tie Breaker status while we jointly provide care for our child."

Well, something like that.  My early hearings were all my ex's allegations and responses to my ex's allegations.  What I saw as practical solutions were never addressed or put on the record.

As for supervised visits, now that it's going to court, then the COURT will decide, ex's demands go away.  It may allow supervised visits to continue for a few weeks until they can get a response from CPS or other professionals as to whether you are a risk to the child, whether substantive abuse, neglect or endangerment.  If not then supervised demands will end.  (This is solely risk to the child, her claims of DV are separate to parenting issues.  Court pays much more attention to parenting concerns than adult relationship (marital) concerns.)

Another point, give the parenting issues priority.  That's the focus here, parenting, her allegations of DV are only minimally connected since she is an adult.  Don't get sidetracked.

I too worried how to prove I wasn't being aggressive with my ex.  I decided to buy a voice recorder (before smart phones) to prove I wasn't the one misbehaving.  By the end of the divorce I had three recorders to be sure I always had one with available storage and charged batteries.  I recorded quietly, I didn't make a fuss over it, I did not want to trigger additional incidents.

[Night Watchman]

momtara, GaGrl --- Thank you.  The book Splitting is the reason I'm here in this message board as it's one of their recommendations.  After lots of research trying to wrap my head around understanding her behaviour, I felt I finally understood when reading the book.  The book seems like is was written with my wife in mind.  It's eerie how predictable their behaviour is.  Have to admit - I've made mistakes in the process and have fallen into her traps a couple of times.  I showed up at our son's doctor appointment and she used that to claim I was harassing her and she felt threatened by me.  But I finally feel I have the tools to properly manage the situation given I understand.  Hopefully it's not too late.

livednlearned --- Authorities came to my house, but no arrests were made.  She then reopened the DV case with the help of her lawyers and included child abuse as another claim since she stated I violently pushed her with baby in her hands.  Since we provided evidence to the investigator, case is now lingering but not yet closed.  Based on what she have told me, I believe she's also preparing to claim abusive history... maybe with a therapist as a witness.  I've been documenting as a full-time job for over two months.  Not sure about a deposition before a trial?  Is this something that can be done?  I'll ask my lawyer.  And I'm requesting 50/50 shared custody, although I may not get that immediately given the age of our son and the fact she's has taken our son for the last three months.  Finally, there will be a formal child/custody investigation that I believe would help my case in the long run, although it may take up to six months.  Thanks for your input.  I'll make sure my lawyer reads the book or the article.

ForeverDad --- Thank you for your feedback.  I'm very adamant with my lawyer that we need 50/50 shared custody.  My lawyer's strategy in temp orders is to focus on me as a parent as oppose to waste our time defending the false allegations.  Hoping this works for now.  I'm trying to document a few obvious lies that would diminish her credibility.  I like your two suggestions and will work on these - written documents of parenting requests for the court on the record and the formal statement in court.  The supervised visits should show my excellent parenting skills and I expect this to go away immediately.  But I'm still anxious not knowing how all this works; my main worry is that these counselors/supervisors treat me like a criminal from the get go since they hear my wife's outrageous claims, take it at face value, and don't even hear my side of the story.  It's a lose lose situation for me.  Nevertheless, I'm hopeful their report will show what we need in court.  And yes, I've been prepared to record whenever if needed - too much risk otherwise.  But I have to be better at doing it quietly.

Any other feedback is welcome.  This is all hard work.  I'd like to move forward and not think about all this, but it seems I have to work on it almost every day.  It's exhausting.  It does help talking to other people.  Thank you all.

[livednlearned]

My ex hired a father's rights attorney and he treated me like I ran around stealing other people's babies.

It takes a while to get the real story out there. Be patient and strategic.

If you are having a custody evaluation done, make sure you have some say in who conducts it. You could offer to select three (top picks) and allow your ex to pick one.

Third-party professionals can make a huge difference in our cases. Ask the clerk of court if there's a list of professionals, and ask around (including other lawyers) who has a good reputation.

[ForeverDad]

If you are having a custody evaluation done, make sure you have some say in who conducts it. You could offer to select three (top picks) and allow your ex to pick one.

Since custody evaluations (CE) take months or longer for the professional to complete in-depth assessments, it generally takes place during the divorce.  In my divorce process the court's parenting investigator, the court's own social worker, recommended equal time (didn't happen until over a year later in the final decree settlement) and a custody evaluation.  The lady said social workers in my state don't have the authority to comment on custody issues but the CE can.

L&L made an excellent strategy suggestion.  If left up to the ex, the worst possible professional would be selected to make the valuation.  Biased, inept, gullible, minimally trained, whatever.  So since a CE is almost surely going to happen eventually, you and your lawyer at some point do the hard work to gather a short list of the best potential CE evaluators, ones with a reputation for solid work.  Then let the ex select from that vetted list.  Courts should like that since it does involve both parents in the selection.

Strategy.  So much comes down to time-tested strategies to keep the case on track and to limit obstructions, delays and sheer sabotage.

In my divorce, my lawyer selected one professional (top of the list) and the other attorney from outside the county accepted it.  My lawyer told me that if the CE went against me then I would have to live with it, the evaluator was an experienced child psychologist and, as he literally warned me, "the court treats him like God, it has never rejected his conclusions or recommendations".  I was okay with that.  And yes the CE report was excellent.  As it turned out, we settled on Trial Day and never used the final report, I'm sure the preliminary evaluation report helped me.

Let me add, I'm a bit concerned about your firm 50/50 stance.  Maybe I'm misreading how you're expressing it.  Is it that you will accept 50/50 as your minimum?  Yes, it will be a struggle to get there, many orders are prone to start with dads automatically being relegated to alternate weekend schedules.  (My county a few years ago adopted a recommendation for children under 3 years of age to having shorter but more frequent visits than older children.)

I'd feel better if you expressed yourself as having a long term expectation that your child will need you to take the lead in parenting, or at least have sufficient authority to ensure ex can't create obstructions and endless delays forcing you to turn repeatedly to court to get fixes at great expense.  For example... I entered family court with two temp orders, covering over 2 years, both as non-custodial parent and alternate weekend dad.  Final decree upped me to Shared Parenting and equal time.  Conflict and obstruction continued.  Back to court, 3 years later I upped to Legal Guardian but schedule wasn't changed.  Conflict and obstruction continued.  Back to court, nearly another 3 years later I upped to majority time during the school year.  That deflated her entitlement bubble a little, we haven't been back to court since.

My point is that presenting yourself as merely "fair" won't counteract her demands and emotionally convincing allegations to keep you reduced to an afterthought and footnote.  Yes, it's a start but odds are you may decide to aim for more than "percentage fair".

Most of us here, myself included, have personalities where we want to be super-fair and super-nice.  News flash, that makes little if any impact on the court.  A truism here is:  The person behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets credit.  So if you feel you would be the more stable, caring, consistent and overall better parent, then don't be shy stating so, well, at the right times.  In other words, don't undersell yourself out of humbleness or misplaced sense of fairness.

[Night Watchman]

Thanks again.  Yes, my personality is always trying to be the honest and fair person.  Sadly, no one cares and you end up like I am right now.  I will be more assertive to make sure the court understands that 50/50 is my minimum, which it is.  Again, I've taken care of our son equally since day one.  But I've learned the hard way that as my W told me repeatedly, no one will believe me.  I trust my lawyer will know how to convey my message in court.  I truly believe I would have a more stable loving environment for our son and I would be much more willing to encourage our son to spend time with the mother (vs. her trying her best to break my bond with our son).  I still can't get over the fact she's doing all this and making us waste so much time and money.  This must really be a tough mental condition for people.  It seems they don't realize what they are doing.

As always, any further feedback appreciated.  Thanks again to everyone for reading and for your kind advice.

[livednlearned]

My ex would say the same things. "No judge is going to believe you."

He was a former trial attorney and I thought he knew what he was talking about.

The threats your wife is making are just blowing smoke.

Just because we were easily duped doesn't mean professionals in the family law system will.

What happened that you are in a position with supervised visitation?

When is your hearing for temporary custody?

What is your lawyer proposing?

[Night Watchman]

Yes, for months she said no one would believe me, both police is she decided to call them or a judge if we went to court.  I hope you're right regarding professionals in family law - this will be a test to see if the system is just.

Visitations are simply her demands, nothing else.  It seems part of her strategy to pin me as an abusive spouse and child abuser, so she has to demand supervision.  But it's not ordered by anyone but her.

Temp is mid-late August.  Still working on strategy with lawyer and haven't told them about how W exhibits all symptoms of BPD.  I believe we need to spend some time showing the court that her credibility is lacking, then focus on me as a parent.

[ForeverDad]

This must really be a tough mental condition for people.  It seems they don't realize what they are doing.

The Denial is a hallmark trait of people with acting-out PDs such as Borderline.

It's not that they don't realize it, it's that they refuse to (can't/won't) admit to it.  Although some claim they don't realize, that can devolve into debates about their mental states which can leave us circling in endless nuances.  There are times when their actions or statements make it clear that - at least at some level - they know what they had done or said.  But that's a moot question.  Court won't hold their feet to the fire, much less try to "fix" them.  So we do the smart thing, we do what court does... base our case on documented behaviors.

[Night Watchman]

You're right ForeverDad - I've noticed she knows what she's doing when I call her on obvious lies and she stops that particular email conversation.  But she can't or won't admit to anything.  And as you say, she won't get penalized in court.  I'm documenting every day... hard work, full-time job nowadays!  Thanks again.