What I want to say to dd and therapist

[MomSA]

Good morning lovely supportive people

As some of you know, tomorrow we are meeting with dd 20 and her T for the Geneva Peace Convention   

I really want to focus on the great growth she has made in DBT and in her life at home. I made a list of the things:
She has met with all her counselors as agreed
She passed her Adobe Masterclass
She has a good job and is managing the time keeping
She has house sat twice successfully
She hasn’t used weed – she has been negative on all tests so far
She is emotionally regulated with the exception of when boyfriend broke up with her and when her best friend told he he was tired of her drama
She listens to me when I give advice wrt non-moral issues
She has asked for advice a few times wrt relationships
She is generally polite if she is not tired or hungry
She’s hardly smoking
She paid her money due without asking for board and car
 
Concerns I still have:
She still shows impulsive behavior (tattoo/piercing/boys)
She drinks too much on weekends
She still wants to use weed “legally”

The last point above is what is the concern. She is moving out in a few weeks and has said very evenly that if she is out of our home and in a place of her own and smokes weed she is within legal rights.

I don't want the meeting tomorrow to degrade into a for/against weed argument as my husband will get triggered. He also said today that he doesn't know whether he will not say: "Touch weed and I will take your car away and put you back into rehab in a flash". This is concerning.

I would like to simply say: "We have invested thousands into your mental health and well being and we would like you to protect that investment in yourself by staying away from weed, taking your meds, continuing your therapy, eating well, getting exercise and sleep."

I understand that those things are all her choice and I won't, nor can I expect her to always do it right, but honestly in terms of the drug usage, I don't want ultimatums.

She has regulated herself in many ways in the last few weeks, and I am almost convinced that she may have a weed binge, then come to her senses of her own accord and I don't want my dh to short circuit that choice.

Does anyone have any advice or input for me?
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Mom!

I'm looking at your list and agree, there has been a lot of positive movement in the right direction. I encourage you to keep it simple, too much praise can backfire as a pwBPD can begin to self-sabotage just when things are going well.

I like livednlearned's suggestion in your other thread:

I’d try to approach the meeting with wisemind. It’s possible to hear what’s been asked of you without judgment or any comment. Listen closely, test the water.

You don’t need to share your needs and/or wants if you don’t want to. Neither does there have to be a long conversation, particularly about things in the past. Remember JADEing and your SET skills if there’s open dialogue.

What do you think?

~ OH

[GaGrl]

What about staying away from the "investment" lead-in and just tell her a variation of -- "You are at your best when you are minding your health.  We see the positives and we are proud of what you've done. We want to see that continue."

[MomSA]

"You are at your best when you are minding your health.  We see the positives and we are proud of what you've done. We want to see that continue."

Yes!

[MomSA]

I like livednlearned's suggestion in your other thread.

What do you think?

~ OH

Yes, I agree. I saw someone say (and I cant find it now) that validation = GENEROUS listening. This is so true. I'm really hoping my husband will be able to keep his peace... :/