I really hate my codependency

[WitzEndWife]

Codependency can be really horrible. I hate the fact that I feel so out of control when it comes to managing feelings of rejection, especially when it comes to my uBPDh and especially when I'm already incredibly stressed out for other reasons.

Last night, uBPDh came to sit and watch a movie I'd picked out for the night. He decided to bump into our rescue hound's personal space and she has issues, especially when she's sleeping. So, she jumped up and nipped him on the back of the arm. He raged and I started screaming at him not to do anything to her. He stormed into the kitchen to grab her muzzle and I screamed at him to put it down (the muzzle is not supposed to be used as punishment) He put her leash on her and dragged her across the floor toward the basement. I rushed down there with her treats so that, when she went in her crate, she would associate it with positive things and not punishment. He raged at me for yelling at him. I yelled back that the dog was scared and she bites out of fear, so you're not going to end fear with punishment.

Of course, he interpreted my yelling as being critical of him and he stormed upstairs to grab his jeans and he said he had to get away from me. My codependency flipped a major switch in my brain. I said that I thought we were going to watch the movie. He said he couldn't STAND to be around me so he needed to leave. My rejection meter was on overdrive. I begged him not to go. I told him I'd stop yelling if he just stayed. I apologized for being intolerable. I pleaded. I was in full on panic mode. I was sweating, soaked, trembling. It was full-on crazy town. And I knew it was crazy as I was doing it, but it was more important for me to feel un-rejected and I was going to try to do everything I could to reverse it and be loved again. He said he was going to go to bed, so he laid down and began closing his eyes and ignoring me. I said, "You don't care about me! Why don't you love me?" I felt such desperation and awfulness.

When things calmed down, I told him I'd never been this way before (not exactly true - I did act this way with my first true love when I was 16 or so, but it has been a very long time). I told him about the codependency and that I was working on it. He said he wasn't equipped to handle it and that I should talk to someone else about my emotional issues.

This is the worst I've felt in a very long time. I know part of the reason this was so bad was because of my stress level overall, and part of it was because of his abusive and dismissive behavior. I feel absolutely insane and traumatized by my own actions. And it galls me that he sits there thinking he's perfectly fine and calm and sane and that I'm a lunatic.

This is so hard. I don't know where to go from here emotionally. I'm just in shock.

[formflier]

That had to be hard to experience..and to write about.  Feeling out of control, when you are aware..yet unable to affect yourself...is a lonely place to be.

I'm wondering what you can do today to care for yourself...something extra.

You realize that much of what he said is likely projection don't you?

FF

[WitzEndWife]

You know, I didn't even think about the projection, FF. I get extremely triggered when he says he doesn't want to be around me or that he can't stand me. I feel so rejected and terrible. Even thinking back to it, it feels so bad.

I think self care involves journaling and doing some things to lift me back up. I feel very low and emotionally "hungover" today. I have a feeling some of it also was driven by me shoving down my needs until I exploded, as we codies are known to do.

I know this is probably just depression talking, but my situation feels very hopeless. I feel like I'm never going to be recovered from my codependency. I felt like I was making progress, but then this happened and I feel so discouraged.

[AskingWhy]

WEW, I am so sorry this happened to you and your dog.  

My uBPD H had a dysregulation just last night regarding pets.

All of our pets, cats and dogs, sleep in our bedroom in their own little beds.

Last night, one of the cats wanted out for whatever reason (wanted to be away from a volatile human?) and was making noise at the door. uBPD H goes to bed before me, so I heard the door open to the bedroom and then slam shut very hard, jarring the entire back end of the house.   The cat ran under a couch, so I went into the bedroom and demanded H not scare the pets with his door slamming.  Of course, I got the usual, "F**k you!"  I then insisted he think of the pets as his grandchildren (all infants) as he adores them like his adult children.  H is excessively enmeshed with his children, taking abuse from them as they blackmail him for money and gifts.   pwBPD often see their children (and grandchildren) as extensions of themselves.  (In my experience, BPD men are either totally enmeshed with their children, or ignore them altogether.)  

I have mentioned on this site how H once dysregulated on our old, small, dying dog when she soiled her bed.  He and I were asleep and she woke up and was trying to get away from the soiled bedding. H got up and raged at her, yanking the bedding out from under her and dumping her on the floor--a small, terrified dog!

Abusive people do have control over their rages. One abusive man told a court ordered T about why he chose not to strike his W in the face.  He said, "People can see a black eye."  Even when abusers claim they have lost control, they still do.  It's a lie.  pwBPD can easily appear sane and collected (due to their chameleon nature) when police appear at the door after DV reports, making the victim seem like the crazy one.  I am sure the (mostly male) police officers have often told a battered woman, "Please, lady, your H only wants to help you.  See how sincere he is?"  (Ditto for child abusers.)

People who have no empathy toward those lesser than themselves, such as children and animals, will get their just desserts.  It's the law of the universe.  Having a rescue pet, already with emotional baggage, means the caretakers need the utmost empathy--what BPDs lack to the extreme degree (of course, unless, it's their own human children and grandchildren.)

I am so sorry your poor dog was retraumatized this way.  Your H is heartless in his BPD, as is mine, and I totally understand what you feel. Do not hesitate to defend your dog from the actions of your H.  

 

[AskingWhy]

WEW, another note.

I never, ever tell my uBPD H of my uBPD M, and how I suffered as a child.   To reveal such about oneself to a uBPD spouse gives them the leverage they need to make us their emotional slaves.  

Keep your own woundedness to yourself, and continue to work on yourself.  Never give ammunition to your H to use against you.  A good poker player never reveals his hand.  I know this sounds like keeping secrets in a marriage, but marriage to a pwBPD is not normal, and normal rules of honesty don't apply.  

A BPD and a codependent are the ideal pathological couple, and so it is with BPDs and NPDs.  (My uBPD H has an NPD for an X W.  She divorce him after an affair, and then married her lover.  All of their children are in the BPD and NPD spectrum: women promiscuous, drugs, expulsion from the military, homelessness, etc.)

Keep working on yourself and keep moving forward.  Your H, IMO, does not need to know of your issues.  

[once removed]

I was going to try to do everything I could to reverse it and be loved again

i realize you likely know this, but love does not begin or end with his presence/absence.

He said he was going to go to bed, so he laid down and began closing his eyes and ignoring me. I said, "You don't care about me! Why don't you love me?" I felt such desperation and awfulness.

When things calmed down, I told him I'd never been this way before (not exactly true - I did act this way with my first true love when I was 16 or so, but it has been a very long time). I told him about the codependency and that I was working on it. He said he wasn't equipped to handle it and that I should talk to someone else about my emotional issues.

so on some level, he probably knows that rejection will provoke this response from you. i know i used the threat of abandonment many times when i felt my ex crossed a line. while it may not be (or may be) fully conscious, its immature, insecure, learned behavior.

youre aware on some level (important) when youre reacting, but feel unable to stop. so one of the steps is learning about different ways to respond/cope, and committing to practicing them. its not easy, but the more we do it, the easier it gets. another is realizing that this response really just fuels even more feelings of rejection. so it would be useful (if possible) the first time he says hes leaving the room, or whatever, to let him have space, and take some for yourself.

he may need his space when he is angry/upset, we all do, and at times, it can be the healthiest thing when tempers are flared. at the same time, he goes about it really badly, inflicting punishment. i would ask for what i need from him (whether he can give it or not), but i wouldnt couch it in terms of codependency or blame on either side. i would talk, in very simple terms, that space can be good when tempers are flared, and you understand and respect his need for it; at the same time, i would say that "x makes me feel ______", and that id like to know if we could work together on this. maybe the two of you have a phrase that you both heed when one or the other needs space. maybe he could offer a little reassurance that he will return after so many minutes.

maybe, maybe not; i dont know how willing of a partner you have here, but its worth a shot. and if not, there are still other ways of coping that will yield better results for you.

[Lucky Jim]

I begged him not to go. I told him I'd stop yelling if he just stayed. I apologized for being intolerable. I pleaded. I was in full on panic mode. I was sweating, soaked, trembling. It was full-on crazy town. And I knew it was crazy as I was doing it, but it was more important for me to feel un-rejected and I was going to try to do everything I could to reverse it and be loved again.

Hey WEW, Why do you think you were in such a panic when he said that he needed to get away from you?  Presumably something else was going on inside you, beyond the drama playing out in front of you.  What do you think it was?

LJ

[WitzEndWife]

I don't think it's him leaving or needing his space that triggers me. We have plenty of fights where he leaves and it's no big deal. It was more what he said about why he was leaving. "I can't stand being around you." It's deeply triggering to me. I think it conjures up the deep rejections I felt as a child, feeling so contemptable and awful just for being myself. There was, I think, a deep sense of shame for who I was. I would go over and over my actions and why people didn't like me or would never accept me. It's that same feeling that gets brought up when he says things like that. He tells me I'm contemptable and vile and that he can't stand me. He says I should "read Strunk & White, and use less words."

The abusive words send me into another time and place of pain. I know this, I just don't know how to work past it.

[formflier]

And to reiterate...it was most likely projection on his part when he made that statement.

I think it's important to separate this into three or four buckets.

1.  Are you happy with yourself..can you "stand" being around yourself.
2.  Are you happy with him and you can "stand" being around him.  (be deliberate here to not "project")

Now...do some best guessing

3.  Is he happy with you and can he "stand" being around you?
4.  Is he happy with himself and can he "stand" being around himself?

When you split it up this way you can think focus on the things you must "accept" and then things you can change.  Then proceed accordingly.

Is this the kind of thing your T has been guiding you on? 

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I've done a lot of work on my own co-dependency. I think you are doing well. Learning a different way to relate isn't linear- old patterns, old triggers- these take work, but the work pays off in time. You've had co-dependent behaviors for years now, and backtracking can be part of the growth- the difference is- you used to do these things automatically. Now, you recognize it. That is progress.

The silver lining in this situation is that, you will be in situations that trigger you and these are learning opportunities. Awareness of your patterns will help you the next time you are in this situation with your H. You may not handle it perfectly, you may slip up- but I bet the next time is less, or shorter, or you will catch yourself and take a time out to calm down.

Although I don't have difficulties with alcohol, and don't use drugs, I found the addiction model to be helpful. Co-dependency is a sort of addiction to people. You and your H are part of a pattern. He threatens to leave, your fear kicks in. You then beg, he gets attention and reassurance. The next time you hear him say something that triggers you, imagine that this is a drink or a drug. That's how I imagined it. No thank you, that isn't good for me. This makes me stop for a moment and decide that, I am too emotional right now to have a rational conversation. Stop- keep the conversation focused on you- and say "I am feeling too emotional at the moment and need to take a moment to calm down, I will be back." Then, take a few moments to yourself, calm down, and you will have resisted the emotional tug to the co-dependent behaviors.

With practice, it gets better. It's a learning experience. You know that an alcoholic can't ever take a drink, even if they have been sober for years. They need to practice how to resist one. With co-dependency, it takes practice too. Don't be hard on yourself.

This is a poem that describes the process- used in 12 step groups.

There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk
By Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost …. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

[Lucky Jim]

I think it conjures up the deep rejections I felt as a child, feeling so contemptable and awful just for being myself. There was, I think, a deep sense of shame for who I was. I would go over and over my actions and why people didn't like me or would never accept me.

Hey WEW,  Right, you put your finger on it; you nailed it!     Now that you have identified the source of those uncomfortable feelings, you are in a position to make healthy changes, which is a good place to be.  A good place to start, I suggest, is with learning to love and accept yourself, just the way you are.  Can you honestly say that you love yourself?  If not, that is your task, I submit: to get to a point where you love yourself too much to allow yourself to be the object of anyone's abuse.

I should know, because I suffered from the same problem!

You've got this!

LuckyJim

[Cat Familiar]

My question for you, having been in the same boat as you and Lucky Jim, who in your childhood made you ashamed to be yourself? This would be a good issue to confront in therapy, if you haven’t already. Another thing I found useful was to do a meditation where I imagined I went back in time, with the skills I currently possess, and confronted those people who tried to shame me. A variation on that exercise is to imagine that you as the adult, are holding the hand of you as the child, and giving her support.

When I did this meditation, I realized that the people who behaved abusively to me had some major issues themselves and that their judgment of me now seemed groundless and a projection of their own issues.

[WitzEndWife]

Lots of questions/comments here, so I'll do my best to respond.

Cat, I think meditation is a great tool and I have done similar things in therapy with my weight issues and imagining myself going back and talking to my younger self. I think the sources of my pain are threefold:

1) My father's relatives overseas, who weight shamed me when I was a kid because I was a tiny bit "chunky" - my grandfather used to pay me to get on his stationary bike and I would get praised for making "good" food choices and scrutinized for making "bad" food choices. I most definitely saw my desire for sweets and my proclivity toward reading or drawing instead of running around playing sports as shameful flaws, making me unlovable.

2) The "mean girls" in junior high school, who shunned me and started mean rumors about me because I was quiet and socially awkward, and liked to draw and write. I remember deciding to have a one on one talk with one girl who was the ring leader and asked her what I could do to be accepted and she said, "Nobody is ever going to accept you." Ouch. I definitely want to revisit that one, because it's a big one.

3) My first real boyfriend, who would play push-pull games with me constantly, who would just shut down and shut me out when we had a fight, ignoring my calls, and who cheated on me right before the prom with a friend of his after we'd had a fight. I'd purchased our tickets and my mom had made my dress. He and I had an argument the weekend before prom and he completely ignored me and went on a camping trip with a bunch of female friends. The Monday we returned to school, one of the girls pulled me aside and told me what had happened and that he'd asked her to go to prom with him ("Since you two were broken up," she said - even though we weren't - that I knew of). I confronted him in the lunch room. He looked like a deer in headlights. He said nothing and got up to throw his whole tray away. He ignored me and headed toward the door of the cafeteria, only to be stopped by a friend who was on the way in. I took my moment, walked up to him, and slapped him across the face. The whole cafeteria went silent, and then I heard, "Ooohhhh." He looked shocked and left the school.

All three of these issues were left unresolved, more or less, but confirmed to me a feeling of worthlessness. I feel deep sadness and loneliness when I think of these things. They still, on some level, feel fresh.

Lucky Jim, I agree that I need to learn to love and accept myself as I am, and this is really at the root of everything. I have come a long way toward caring for myself, but I absolutely don't think I'm at the point of accepting myself unconditionally. I wish I was. This is something I'm definitely working on with my T.

Notwendy, that poem is spot on. I agree I've made progress, but it's disappointing when things happen that seem so far away from that. I think it's going to take practice for me to recognize the codependency in the moment. Right now, the deepest insult is rejection of me, wholesale. Like, there is something so fundamentally wrong with me that a person I care about can't stand to be around me. It's such a deep, deep wound. I think I'm still reeling from it emotionally and that's preventing me from looking at it rationally, even though I know it's projection and emotional vomit. It wounds so deeply.

FF, to answer your questions honestly:
1. No
2. No
3. Yes
4. No

I guess that there's a lot more coming from me on my end toward myself, which compounds his projection. If I fix me, that's half the battle. More than half, I guess.

once_removed, It would be great to be able to manage these situations so that they would be more reassuring to me, but I think he enjoys inflicting pain on me and making me insecure on some level. I think he gets reassurance and attention from it. I think I need to go with AskingWhy's thoughts on this and not give him ammunition. The less I can end up reacting, the better. I just have to get there myself.

[Notwendy]

I can also relate to the emotional hurts, shame, and fears that drove my own co-dependent behaviors.

I have read somewhere that we tend to pair up with people for the potential to heal childhood wounds- which is why we play out our dysfunctional patterns with them. Potential- perhaps that means playing it over and over again until we get it? Maybe so. I have heard of marriage as a crucible for growth.

I can relate to the hurt you feel. Believe it or not, your H is also acting out on his hurts, perhaps in a different way. We can't do the work of healing someone else's hurts, they have to do that, but partners can trigger each other and each of you trigger each other exactly where you need to do this work.

Your H pulled the band aid off- and now, you know exactly what you need to work on. It's tough, but each time I fall into that co-dependency whole, I know that I still have work to do.

One day I was talking to my BPD mom, and she said something triggering to me. I didn't feel it, didn't react. That's when I knew the work was paying off. Soon after that, I stopped reacting to being triggered by my H. Is it all of them? no- I still have work to do but I am not discouraged when I see some results. You are recognizing what you need to work on. That's progress!

One day you will observe your H respond to a trigger and you will see he is coming from the same place you are- from hurt, shame, fear due to something in his past. Instead of reacting from your own hurt, you will feel some compassion. They say we "match" our partners in some way and I think this- being triggered and feeling shame, hurt, fear is the match.

From compassion, you don't walk on eggshells but you also don't seek to hurt. I realized that some things I said or did triggered childhood hurts. It's his job to deal with that, but if I am aware, I can have empathy and stay calm if he reacts. I've also realized some things feel invalidating to BPD mom and so can stay calmer with her at times. But I also fall in the hole sometimes.

It's progress not perfection. If you have the chance to attend a 12 step group and get a sponsor, that can speed up the progress. Celebrate your progress. You are aware of what got you in the hole. This is better than before!

[WitzEndWife]

Yeah, you're right, Notwendy, about the progress. What's interesting is, even reflecting now, in the forum, I realized the root of my fear when my husband withdraws from me. It was trigger based on rejection from my ex, my first love, how I learned how to love romantically. I'd totally forgotten how he used to just go dark on me and shut me out, and I'd spend days, weeks sometimes, left wondering what the problem was, what I'd done, exactly, to anger him, etc. Often, I'd hear from friends about how he was off having a great time without me while he was in the process of shutting me out, while I'd be at home crying my eyes out or trying to distract myself from feeling anxious. How awful that felt at such a vulnerable and tender age, where I was just learning about myself. No wonder I feel such panic when my uBPDh confirms that he is leaving because he can't stand me. Wow.

Now that I know that, I can work to heal it. I'm going to revisit that in my journal tonight. What would I do without this forum? I'm going to check out CODA meetings near me and see if I can attend as well.

[once removed]

once_removed, It would be great to be able to manage these situations so that they would be more reassuring to me, but I think he enjoys inflicting pain on me and making me insecure on some level. I think he gets reassurance and attention from it.

so why not take a multipronged approach.

if he gets reassurance and attention from it, you can show him that there are healthier, better alternative ways for him to achieve that need. you can discontinue a response that rewards it. expect slip ups; develop new ways to respond/cope.

lead the change you want to see in the relationship. he doesnt have the skills to do that.

[Notwendy]

My first boyfriend was a pretty good guy,  but we were kids and it wasn't going to last past graduation and leaving for college. But that was difficult. When you aren't getting the affirmation you need from parents, someone who actually likes you has a big impact and so does losing that relationship.

It's hard to not internalize what your boyfriend did and not take it personally. I was able to see this more clearly when I had teens myself. Most teen boys are not yet mature enough to even handle the feelings in these intense teen relationships. I had no business relying on a teen age boy to be the main source of affirmation for me and he probably didn't have a clue that he was. There is no way he could have handled that.

Fortunately there wasn't any crazy drama between us. We actually remained friends, but getting over this was harder for me than I let on. Your BF did some hurtful things, but as young as he was, it wasn't personal so much as developmental. Maybe he's a jerk now, or maybe not. I hope you can come to the realization that it was more about your ages than you and that you are worthy of love.

Part of emotional healing is to revisit these hurts, and reframe them with adult vision. Your BF hurt teen age you. But as an adult, you can see him as a young and still confused young man who had a lot of growing up to do and soothe your teen age self. Give her some love.

Sometimes it takes revisiting the teen years. So go watch some teen movies and let teen age you have a good cry. My kids laughed when I liked the Twilight movies better than they did, but I was indulging teen age me.

CODA meetings and a sponsor really helped me. They also talk about indulging the inner child and parenting ourselves.

[AskingWhy]

I was very codependent in most of my R/S and first marriage because a uBPD parent made be anxious of love.  Love was not given freely, but contingent on whether or not I "deserved" it, and that was determined by the parent. 

Now in my second marriage and 20 years in, I have finally recovered my self esteem to the point where I don't tolerate the abuse and "waiting" to be loved.  I love myself.  My uBPD H cannot take that away from me.  On the other hand, I know my H still has the hollow shell of a BPD, and is ashamed of his parents (FIL is uNPD and MIL was codependent) and the poverty he endured.  Knowing the mask H wears every day gives me the edge in the R/S, so he can't intimidate me with divorce threats.  I know I can be happy and make it on my own should H make good on his threats.

Self care is so important, WEW, and this is what you should consider to be stronger in your marriage.

[Lucky Jim]

I agree that I need to learn to love and accept myself as I am, and this is really at the root of everything. I have come a long way toward caring for myself, but I absolutely don't think I'm at the point of accepting myself unconditionally. I wish I was. This is something I'm definitely working on with my T.

Hey WEW, Great, you're aware of the issue and working on it, which is all one can do.  Agree, loving and accepting oneself is fundamental to one's recovery and growth.  If one's sense of self-worth comes from within, it has a solid foundation; if it depends on outside factors, there's a lot that can go awry, if that makes sense. 

LJ