"A disorder that affects intimate relationships" Part 2

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

*mod note: This thread was split from a previous discussion. Part 1 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338334.Msg13065722#lastPost

For my family, believing the family lie was essential to any harmony. But as we got older, we could see ourselves that something was amiss. But to be accepted in the family, we had to pretend we didn't.

This is the crux of the reason I've stepped away from relationships with my in laws.  I'm not much at pretending.

It's one thing to accept different points of view and leave it that two parties (or multiple parties) see things a different way (I would likely be ok with that...and continue some of the relationships)...however the PDish part of they way they approach the world is "if you don't by my truth 100%..and explicitly agree with it" you aren't welcome/will be punished/smear campaign..etc etc.

Even mentioning that yesterday the "truth" everyone explicitly agreed on was different...nope..bad.


Best,

FF

[formflier]

*mod note: This thread was split from a previous discussion. Part 1 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338334.Msg13065722#lastPost

For my family, believing the family lie was essential to any harmony. But as we got older, we could see ourselves that something was amiss. But to be accepted in the family, we had to pretend we didn't.

This is the crux of the reason I've stepped away from relationships with my in laws.  I'm not much at pretending.

It's one thing to accept different points of view and leave it that two parties (or multiple parties) see things a different way (I would likely be ok with that...and continue some of the relationships)...however the PDish part of they way they approach the world is "if you don't by my truth 100%..and explicitly agree with it" you aren't welcome/will be punished/smear campaign..etc etc.

Even mentioning that yesterday the "truth" everyone explicitly agreed on was different...nope..bad.


Best,

FF

[Red5]

…believing the family lie was essential to any harmony.

Man!… I could write pages and pages about this!

Yeah ; (

Talk about 'full-on' propaganda machines… the character "Baghdad Bob" comes to mind.

If the Foo history is not something we want to hear, then "lets change it"!

* grandiosity
* sea stories
* yarns within yarns
* embellishments
* witness protection program
* white-wash

"Dear old Dad was a great father, he loved Mum, and all the kiddies, he was a good man" (?).

So when the BIL's have a few drinks, and a few joints, out in the backyard in the safety of "man town"... the shed… (they are both older than me, so back side of 55), out of earshot of their full on controlling wives (!)  … its then I hear the real truth, especially after a few bottles of truth serum, liquid courage… "Dad" had many a truck stop honeybun, he was a selfish SOB, Mum waited on him hand and foot, he beat the crap out of ____, so no damn wonder ____ beat this crap outa his own wife and three daughters… and was so damn mean that he dropped dead of a heart attack at 40…  we'd been married for four years before I was taken to meet Mum and Dad (?)… Dad used to come home drunk, and throw the bowls of mashed potatoes against the wall, Mum and Dad lived on a sailboat for ten years, because that's what Dad wanted to do, but Mum NEVER learned to swim (wow!)… on and on and on… wow!

But "Dad" was the very best… the "Dad of the century".

Believing the family lie… means keeping the family secrets… which I now understand to be 'generational'.

(disclosure)… my Foo has its problems too, no one "gets away clean".

Red5

[Baglady]

Yep - "believing and/or maintaining the family lie" has been at the heart of a significant amount of my grieving this year. 

My exBPDh was demonstrably psychotic for 3 weeks (FIL and I sat down together for an entire morning debating whether to have him Baker-acted and I had to hide out in an anonymous hotel for a week for my own safety). He ranted and raved like a lunatic to all of his family members about how I abused him every second of our 21 year marriage.  Despite the strong evidence of two decades of my behavior, temperament and personality to easily dispute the "facts" and ridiculousness of his smear campaign, it was absolutely breathtaking how quickly the in-laws turned on me in support of their own. 

The family lie now is that the divorce resulted from a combination of my ex suffering from "martial issues combined with a mid-life crisis".  This is the lie that they want me to accept and pedal to others as part of their family reputation public relations management. They can't abide the discomforting idea that he has mental health issues and I think that my contrasting and mostly unwavering stability and strength through all of the horrific events is a mighty thorn in their side.  Oh how much they would love to blame the whole mess on me .

The tragic part of this is that they actually have the monetary resources to pay for enough DBT therapy for my ex to last the rest of his life.  Meanwhile his life continues to spiral downward as I focus on recovery and shielding and protecting my child from the fall-out.

The damaging tentacles of this horrific disorder cast a wide net.

Warmly,
B

[Red5]

Despite the strong evidence of two decades of my behavior, temperament and personality to easily dispute the "facts" and ridiculousness of his smear campaign, it was absolutely breathtaking how quickly the in-laws turned on me in support of their own.

I've experienced this as well… in my first marriage, even after two decades, three children, all that "history"… when udx (ex) wife finally came completely unglued, due to her abusive childhood (insert family secret here)… and there was no more denying any of it, due to her "acting out"… not only myself, but my two teenagers got the "treatment" from the udx (ex) wife's foo when I confronted ( :cursing… no ma'am… the foo will go to any and all lengths to keep that terrible family secret, of generational abuse, from seeing the light of day in this case it was incestual abuse, quite horrific and generational as I found out over the years (21)… until implosion of the marriage.

Marriage #2… I have clues, some confirmed, but I don't know the whole story, but there is a lot of dysfunction in the foo history… since the separation after eleven years of the relationship, eight of those married… myself and my children (adults + 1 autistic) have been ghosted by ubpdw's foo, even the two BIL's… whom both "reached out to me", as in, "do you have any idea what you've signed on to", "look at me"… "welcome to crazy town, you're next"… yeah (!)... one of whom told me so much crazy stuff (bragging ?) while we were fishing one night, that one phone call from me to his wife (ubpdw's middle older sister)… and she would skin him alive, cut off his ____, (well she keeps them in a jar I'm sure anyways )… yeah, it would be over, I would never do such a thing, but I've never understood why he told me all of that, yes, quite a "yarn" he spun over the nine hours we were "fishing"… wow... but now, I am a security risk I guess… "ghosted", maybe I now know too much, and I'm a threat to the "hive"... MIL did call me and say she was sorry my old pup had passed away back in March… but that's it…

Well, to be honest, even when ubpdw and I were inside the "circle", the other two sisters, and their two "renfield" under full {mind} control husbands… never came around very much, unless it was mandatory "fun" like Thanksgiving, or Christmas… matter of fact, ubpdw was constantly on and off again in her relationship with her Mum, and both her older sisters… Lord, I could go on and on… there is a lot of "estrangement" in this foo, its not just me…

What's interesting though, is that ubpdw's two adult children still maintain a relationship with me and my children… her daughter (D33) called me last week, and wanted to know how we were all doing, they have both validated everything to me… and both have told me (quote), "we cant believe you've put up with her this long"… wow,

… interesting to witness it all first hand, only after a grasp of the 'clusters'… the unending "coverups", and rewrites of history… and then there are the repeated "official talking points".

Red5

[GaGrl]

In our case, DH's ex tried to re-define the family story, but it was unsuccessful. She was completely detached from the reality of how she had come to be perceived by their children, extended family members, friends. For the past 14 years of their legal marriage, she lived with several different men. She came and went in DH's house as if it were still her home, used his storage shed, etc. She had her own financial accounts, her own circle of friends. DH and I had not seen each other since 1971, had not spoken since his mother's death in 1990. Yet, when DH filed for divorce so that we could pursue a relationship, Ex stated to everyone she could talk to that DH had been seeing me for years...while telling her he was playing golf! It was ludicrous. Everyone's reaction was, "Meh." ( After being very excited and happy for DH.) The three adult children had been asking him for years why he didn't go ahead and divorce her. So seeing him pull out of a deep depression was a good thing for them.

I don't think the Ex is functional enough that only FOO sees the disorder. For 40+ years, she has had female friendships all of which end within a few years in conflict and anger, except for those that end with someone simply ghosting her in order not to be taken advantage of. Jobs were difficult for her due to boss or co-worker issues.  As a business owner, she has had two partnerships fail.

I'm not convinced she differentiates between partner intimacy, family intimacy, and "everyone else." Maybe this is where the NPD comes in - - everyone is treated as someone to gratify her wants.