How to get money owed me (lots) from BPD daughter?

[Rosheger]

My BPD daughter owes me a lot of money which has always been difficult to talk about.  She reacts typical BPD style and I react typical Parent who is still learning how to talk to a BPD child.  So nothing changes.  She lives on her own, works, so she has resources (which wasn't so in the past).  I have asked for anything no matter how small, but just a gesture of good faith.  I have found the practical stuff with BPD's can be a nightmare.  So, any suggestions on how to broach this subject? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Rosheger. 
Money is a tense issue for anyone, much more so with a  BPD adult child. I am sorry if you have posted before and I am not familiar with your story.  I assume your daughter is an adult?  Is she getting treatment?  The thing is, if she is an adult and has no insight into her BPD diagnosis, she will balk at your request regardless of doing well for herself currently.  There are others on here that can provide better insight, I'm sure. .  I don't know what your financial situation is, or what money is owed you  or what the circumstances were when you gave the money , but it sounds like it is a source of bitterness for you.  Are you holding yourself hostage over her withholding the gesture of good faith?

[FaithHopeLove]

I am sorry to hear that your daughter owes you money and seems to have no intention of repaying it. The reality is you may not be able to force her to pay short of going to court or something like that. Swimmy asks a great question about holding yourself hostage. Are you making your own happiness contingent on her behavior?
Hugs
Faith

[Rosheger]

Thank you for your responses. My dtr is 37, not officially diagnosed. In fact, gets very insulted at the mention of a BPD possibility. She is an incredible artist since she was 3. So I agreed to co-sign on her student loans 15 years ago to a well known private school. I believed in her art talents and I still do.  The loan was 80k; she has never been able to help (usually because of no job, no $, etc).  The subject became too youchy ti bring up so I let things go. My brother has helped me out for years but stopped recently because he is tired of her not helping.  He would never understand about her personality disorder.  She has not used her art talent to date.  She has told me she will pay and then she goes silent.  So I dontpersist

[LoveOnTheRocks]

I am going to speak for myself here...Just last week my DD20 was reading me some really vile texts a much older adult had sent her (a personal attack, as it were).  My daughter told me I would be happy with my daughter's response, because she was respectful and diplomatic in her reactions to this inappropriate behavior.  In part, my daughter told the grown woman that she was going to handle this in that manner because she was raised to be respectful of people much older than her, and that whenever possible, to handle herself with class and respect for self and others.

My point...my daughter knows how she was raised and BPD or not, (and my child is far on the spectrum and struggles quite a bit), she knows right from wrong.  My tip toeing around her in a case like this would be the equivalent of my walking on eggshells (a popular book we talk about a lot around here).  Also, I think there can be a lot of manipulation, if we allow it.  For me, personally, it would be an affront if I knew for certain that she had more money than strictly needed to manage her finances now, she owed me money, and she refused to do the right thing and pay me.  I would tell her so in writing...clear and concise communication.  I would also give her a month to set up a payment schedule with me, and tell her that should she fail to do that, I would BE CONSIDERING whether to seek legal remedy, as this is an appropriate action for members of a civil society, within which, civil people handle grievances wherein parties who make promises fail thereafter to keep them. 

In reality, the sum of money you speak of is so high it would involve (at least in my state) hiring an attorney and going through the circuit courts (as opposed to the Magistrate).  Additionally, if your daughter has no house or other property that the courts could sell off to settle her debt to you, after paying an attorney (at least in my state), all you would really end up with is a Judgment by the Court spelling out what she owes you (a piece of paper)...and again, if she has no real assets, that judgment would prevent her from getting a house or other things until she paid you or paid you something for you to do a "release of lien" as to a specific piece of property she wanted to buy or refinance or sell.
So...this is the legal end (more or less and the laws are different in different states and I don't know your state...and even more, if it's not mine, the specifics of it).  You could see an attorney for more factual information for your area (and hers), but...there is no magic way to force your daughter to take responsibility of her debt to you.  With my own child, I speak clear and honest and with respect...how she responds (emotively) won't change that at the bottom of her heart she loves me and wants to be at peace with me...and most of all, she really does know right from wrong.  If what she is doing to me is wrong, I am absolutely well within right to tell her...and I absolutely would.

[Swimmy55]

Thought provoking post from LOTR. It seems like you were asking for a gesture rather than a full repayment , so maybe run it by a lawyer for a partial repayment of the amount?    Another possibility is to refinance the loan, although I am not sure  if you can split off the loan such that part goes to you and part goes to her? You def would need a lawyer for this as I  be saying a thing  that is not possible.
It may not hurt to contact a lawyer to at least tell you your options, go over the terms of the loans with a fine tooth comb, etc... You would be retaining him/ her for a couple of hundred or more an hour, but since 80K is at stake it may be worthwhile and  Information is power. You can then operate with more clarity moving forward. 



 

[Rosheger]

I so appreciate your responses - thank you.  I have consulted
A lawyer but since these are private loans, and given the remaining balance, we agreed it would cost more to go that route.  I also contacted the lender to negotiate but no luck there.  What a really want is to know how to use proper BPD language to communicate with my dtr to start this conversation.  She has only recently moved back to this area and our contact is still quite fragile. I am learning from reading “howto love someone with bpd” that are certain do’s and donts - wondering what others have tried in situations like this one.

[Swimmy55]

Hi Rosheger,
In my opinion the main thing to keep in mind is that she probably won't  heed you and you have to make peace with that possibility..  Unfortunately there is no one thing to say that will make our BPD kids" see the light".  I think the best thing you can do here is try to reframe this in your mind.  Can you possibly look at the loans as your way of investing in her  life?  You gave her  a chance that has come to fruition by way of your daughter living independently from you , making her own money doing what she loves.  In short, she is a success in this world.  This is what any parent wants for their kid and you have it. You need to be proud of yourself .  The reward is not for you to get her to see she owes you some money.  The reward is you invested and it came to fruition in a non monetary way.  Can you allow yourself to feel pride in her and in you?

[Swimmy55]

Part Deux,
I am not downplaying the fact that you are in for 80K + interest .  It also doesn't escape me that the decent thing for your adult daughter to do would be to make a gesture.  However, especially with BPD, decency often goes out the window.  They know right from wrong but it is skewed somehow I think. They make excuses they can live with.  Part of the illness maybe. Or maybe just plain old human nature, because this happens to non BPD families as well.  For your peace of mind, if pursing legal recourse is not an option , you are putting yourself, your peace of mind on your BPD daughter   doing the right thing, which may not happen at all and definitely not any time soon.    You should inform her of your feelings and the unfairness of you footing the whole bill , but have lowered expectations.This doesn't help your situation, but know you are not alone in this.