Wrong place wrong time again in my own house alone

[Blueskyday]

I have another post about having been discarded by my daughter.


 So I keep my distance. I'm told the Grandbaby is on a sleepover tonight a school night..How nice was all I thought.

This evening the little one sends me a snap chat. She only has me and a few close friends on there ,one or 2..So happy to hear from her I snapchat back. I ask where her friend is etc..wondering why in the midst of all that fun she thinks of me.

She is usually here if she sleeps over so its a new thing for her not to be with family/me overnight. This is her home too.

She tells me she's sad and her Mum isn't responding to her..Then she sends a crying picture. She is literally weeping..She's nervous she said. (she's 8) I say her Mum probably doesn't have a signal when I fear her Mum is probably drunk . She said she was out to dinner which usually means she drinks until she falls down. There was no suggestion that she shouldn't be contacted.

She asks me to tell her Mum she is sad. I sent some messages to my daughter as asked. I say shes upset and is snapchatting me out of the blue and asked me to contact you. Can you call her or something?

My daughter went out last week she sent me a message randomly and asked if I would take a call from the sitter "in case she had no signal" I didn't think passing on this message was overstepping

Long story short the child calls me weeping. She cant calm down.
She is not comfortable in herself where she is sleeping over. She is anxious. I calm her down and the sitter/friends Mum tells me my daughter didn't respond to her either..I say and do no more..I have calmed the child and stopped her tipping over emotionally. I said to the sitter she may not have signal.

I am concerned though. Shes a tough kid and loves her friends so she must feel real bad to persist like this.

Then I get a call from my daughter. She is snippy and haughty..Well I am on a date actually..That's not my business so I say nothing. I don't  need to know and she tells me the sitter knows exactly where I am..My friends all know I am on a date...I say OK I just passed the message as the child asked me to.

Having said that had I known she was on a date then maybe I would have found a way round passing that message and asked the sitter to ring me or something..I don't know.


The point here is she's made a point of not telling me and then pointed out that everyone else " who matters I guess knows.

Then I simply say that the sitter had said she couldn't contact you and the roof comes off.

" I am not uncontactable" ..She gets all huffy and defensive..She hangs up in a stropp.

These dates are Tinder dates. She does not know these men. At this point I am grateful that the child is not in the house because he will no doubt be spending the night..She said I let my friends know he is OK..

I am literally sitting in my own home, reached out to no one and I am in the wrong.

Am I in the wrong? Truly I would love to know if I am.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

No. You are not in the wrong. You did the best you could under the circumstances. Your grandson is lucky to have you. So is your daughter even if she may not realize it. She is engaging in some risky behavior going on Tinder dates with unknown men. Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do about that. What are you doing to keep yourself centered?.

[wendydarling]

You did the right thing Bluesky in the situation you found yourself in. From what you share, sleepovers with friends maybe new to your 8 yr GD, as she'd more than often come to yours. I'm sure we all recall having little ones feeling anxious sleeping over and sometimes tears, unfamiliar environment... The days before snapchat, remember that!  It was our role to settle their child, and we did that, didn't we. Do you think with snapchat, access to calling your DD the parent guesting your GD was in a difficult position to achieve that as your GD escalated through snapchat, attempting to make contact with your DD?

My view and personal experience is it is healthy your GD (my 31DD is also an only child) is experiencing other family environments (if they are safe), an opportunity to build strong friendships with her peers and relationships with adults is always to be encouraged and embraced, it is their future.

An 8 yr old with access to snap chat, text, calling her Mum whatever... is not a healthy way of emotionally coping.

GD appears to have had all three adults on the hoof. What do you think?

WDx

[Blueskyday]

I totally get it Wendy. Personally I wasnt impressed that she had a phone at 9pm in bed on a school night. She is 8.
When I had kids to sleepover and even now there is a story and giggling and then bed. No TV in the  room, no electronics. They apparently sat together not even talking.

The guesting parent was in an awful position. The child should not have had a phone with her at all.

I think the difference on this occasion was my Grandaughter  was " farmed out". I think she felt it acutely.

She has been to her best friends overnight on sleepover. She had an amazing time.
It was a strange environment but she felt secure. She had asked to go be with her little friend

This night she had been to breakfast club 7am ish then to school. Then to a class and to a strangers house. She was then to be up and off to school and not get home again until school ended that day. I think she needed to feel a bit more grounded

The issue is there is no normal sitting. She doesn't go to bed in her own home with a sitter because my dtr wants her gone. She wants to bring these men she meets home. Last time I knew about she picked up her bf's boyfriend, brought him home and got pregnant..A week later the doctor said you were pregnant..She then has spent time with the bf . I dont know how she can face her to be honest. That is another drama in the wings which will come out at some stage

On the flip side at 30 my dtr should be able to go on a date without interruptions, of course!. It is all very hasty and very reactive unfortunately.
My dtr is on Tinder meeting men. The dates are made on the hoof so she needs to get rid of the kid.

I am not having the child overnight as Ive not been well so this is why its happening now..

[Blueskyday]

Basically the child should not have had the phone or it should have been taken away at dinner so they could interact "normally".

My daughter should be making herself available for her sitter.

My daughter should not be leaving her child then asking me to take calls in an emergency in case she has no signal aka is falling down drunk.

I don't want to find myself in these situations

I realise the discard is done and I will need to be OK with that.

I need to find a way of regularly spending quality time with my Grandchild in order that I remain her steady person

I took the dog back tonight. I barely entered the house and felt so much better than I had when I tried more. I used to really try..I tried to sit and be friendly, have a quick cup of tea. It was awful. The child witnessed her shout at me, degrade me and then hint for me to go on a regular basis.

Tonight wasn't awful. I dropped the dog, said hello. I said I won't stay as I am busy. I stayed in the hall. She was all prepared to fend off any attempt by me to stay for a few minutes by laying on the sofa declaring her ill health. I just said goodbye and told the child I will collect her Saturday.

I got a text on the way home..Does she need an overnight bag..No! I will not enable the binge drinking Saturday night and take the poor babe back to a hungover Mother.

She made her feelings clear so I will oblige and keep my dignity

[wendydarling]

This night she had been to breakfast club 7am ish then to school. Then to a class and to a strangers house. She was then to be up and off to school and not get home again until school ended that day. I think she needed to feel a bit more grounded

Yes. That's also hard if your GD felt farmed out, rather than it being a treat.

It's not easy for either you or your GD. Blue are you familiar with the communication skills and tools we learn here? Some may take time to skill up, practice, some feel counterintuitive, we have to learn them.  They help us navigate our way through, your GD will benefit greatly. A gift.

Tonight wasn't awful. I dropped the dog, said hello. I said I won't stay as I am busy. I stayed in the hall

 

What do you and your GD enjoy doing together when she visits?

Happy Saturday!

WDx

[FaithHopeLove]

I think your choice to keep contact with your daughter at a minimum when you picked up your dog was a good one.

Focusing on being a steady person for your granddaughter also feels very right. She is lucky to have you.

[Blueskyday]

Im not sure why but my post won't post

[Blueskyday]

Hello ladies, thanks so much for being there. I will definitely look at the communication thing.

 Ohh boy do we have plans

[Blueskyday]

Thanks, I wrote a long reply but only a paragraph was visible..No idea why

[FaithHopeLove]

The title is posting but not the.body of the message. Try rebooting your device.
 If you keep having this problem I will see if I can find some tech help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Blueskyday]

No it doesn't work.

[FaithHopeLove]

I will reach out to admin for help.

[Blueskyday]

Thanks, it posted the same one paragraph so I deleted it and put a dot.

It won't display the whole post

[FaithHopeLove]

I asked for help. I am.sure someone will respond. Thank you for your patience
 This must be frustrating.

[Blueskyday]

Ach its fine

[Blueskyday]

Hello ladies, thanks so much for being there. I will definitely look at the communication thing.

 Ohh boy do we have plans
Tomorrow I am taking her to the kids cinema club. We are going to have a picnic and maybe have a look around the beach. The weather is poor but we can wrap up and we talk. We talk about everything..We will go for a drive in my new ( old ) little car.

She wants me to take her to dinner and go back in the evening. Of course she would rather stay over. I think we need quality time as opposed to quantity time.

My dtr is attempting to charm me in. To be honest I have handled the discard well. I am not passive aggressive. I got the message and I am enjoying the freedom from the strain of being around her. When the sadness passed I got some clarity. The less we communicate the clearer things seem.

She was weird in the background after she called me to speak to the child yesterday. I felt fine so I must have sounded fine. I could tell this was p* her off.

Tonight she was texting how sick she is. She has a UTI, very extreme she had to see and emergency Dr..Well I thought UTI or ?.I did not comment.

[Blueskyday]

I will not comment. She has an inflamed something or other appendix and the doctor said if it hurts go to the ER. I just said that's a good idea! I am not biting.I know if this was an issue the doctor would have made a referral.

I am not responding to the drip drip texts. I will answer a days worth in one short message the following day..I have to be careful of being accused of silent treatment.

[Blueskyday]

Thanks Faith, seems to be fine now

[FaithHopeLove]

You are doing brilliantly both in terms of providing stability for your GD and maintaining healthy boundaries with your DD.

[Blueskyday]

Thanks Faith,
I am actually looking forward to tomorrow;)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Blueskyday]

Well the day was nice with the Grandchild. We went to the show and did a little shopping. She met a little girl in a store as was very proud when the girl thought I was her Mum


 I did not go into my daughters house as she came out. I did not go in later as thankfully there was nowhère to park.

She desperately wanted to come back to my house so we came back for a while. I took her home at 7pm very much against her will. She can't understand why she can't stay over.
I am very unwell. I tried to say I hadn't been well and balance that so as not to worry her.

My daughter had her friend there when I dropped the child. She was dressed up which was confusing as she said she was deathly ill. It can only mean she's been out for drink and more are coming over or the child is being farmed out again.

My daughter made a meal of me not having the child overnight at every opportunity in front of her and on the phone. I think she is subtly trying to undermine our relationship because I'm no longer catering to her every whim.

Granbaby said I want to stay with you because I love you so much. I love her too. I hope her Mother doesn't ruin this relationship for us both. I think 9 hrs is a good visit but she misses the comfort and security of being in my home.

I need to take care of myself at the moment though. I have to trust that she will always feel the love I have for her no matter what her Mother does or says