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Author Topic: My Daughter has just been diagnosed with BPD  (Read 440 times)
nela

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« on: July 27, 2019, 05:18:25 PM »

My daughter was just diagnosed with BPD. It happened after many years of struggle. She has been doing therapy on and off for several years, but no one caught it until now.  She agreed to DBT therapy, but doesn't seem to really believe in it.

I feel like I have been walking on eggshells around her for so many years and I am just so exhausted. 
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
smomruby

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« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2019, 06:59:15 PM »

YES yes yes!!!  Us too.
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Longterm
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« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2019, 07:03:37 PM »

Welcome  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

You will find a lot of support here, this place is full of very good moms who have BPD children. We all understand how difficult and heartbreaking it is.

Why dont you start by telling us about the difficulties you are having.

LT.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2019, 01:22:39 AM »

Hi Nela
I join Smomruby and Longterm in welcoming you to the group. You will find lots of help and support here. Please make yourself at home. I look forward to hearing more from you. What is your biggest concern at this time?
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Faith
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nela

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« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2019, 10:04:46 AM »

Sorry it's been so long since I've logged on. The summer was very long trying to get adjusted to my daughter's new diagnosis and trying to understand her illness. She has since gone back to college. She's in her 3rd year and has moved off-campus with 6 other girls. She is having difficulty with her closest friend. Her friend tries to help her but my daughter feels that she is being invalidated. I'm not sure if it is best for her to move out of the house or for me to talk to her friend. I don't want to overstep, but I also don't want the situation to become out of control. On my daughter's "good days" she calls this friend her best friend, but other times, she almost hates her. I just don't want my daughter to drive her friend away.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2019, 10:15:42 AM »

Has your daughter asked for your help with her friendship?
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nela

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« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2019, 11:57:57 AM »

One night last week when my daughter was so depressed and felt she couldn't communicate with her roommate, she did ask me to just text her and tell her that she couldn't talk to her at all. I would never approach her friend without talking to my daughter first. I wanted to know if it would be beneficial for me to explain the illness to her friend. My daughter has told her about her illness, but hasn't explained how it makes her feel and her behaviors associated with the illness. 
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2019, 12:10:34 PM »

I am sorry if you already said and I missed it but how old is your daughter?
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nela

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« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2019, 03:24:41 PM »

She's 21 and a junior in college.
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twocrazycats
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« Reply #9 on: October 05, 2019, 08:18:44 PM »

Hi Nela,
My daughter is a freshman in college and I get concerned about her relationship with her roommate, too, since my dd has never been able to keep friends.

Might you be able to help your daughter brainstorm solutions? For instance, might it be possible for her to move to on campus housing for the next semester? Only mentioning that because it might be easier for her to switch rooms or roommates in that situation. Or switch to rooming with one of the other 5 girls?

Also, have you met this roommate? I have met both my daughter's roommate and the roommate's mother, and both have given me their phone numbers unasked (they both seem like wonderful people). If my daughter wanted me too, I would not have a problem speaking with the roommate. Mostly, in my dd's case, we've just discussed how to deal with it between the two of us and I've gently encouraged her to remember that most people aren't all good or all bad. My dd has come to the conclusion that her roommate is not her friend but is okay as a roommate for now, but that she wants to switch roommates when she can (most likely she'll wait until next year).

My daughter says that she has shared with her roommate that she believes she has BPD (my dd has not been officially diagnosed) and what some of the traits are.

One thing is that I would not rush to talk to the roommate. At least in my daughter's case, I consider her moods a "moving target" so to speak. By that I mean that what is horrible one day can be wonderful the next. So, at least with my dd, I'd wait and see if the unhappiness continues.

Does she have tools to help her work through this? From her T or maybe a workbook of some kind?
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nela

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« Reply #10 on: October 06, 2019, 07:10:51 AM »

Hi Twocrazycats,

Thanks for your note. My dd roommate is not sharing a room with her. Everyone in the house has their own room, which I think has been very good for my daughter. She gets to go to her own space when she needs it. I think her roommate has good intentions (she's always trying to encourage her), but she really doesn't understand depression and bpd. But as you know mental illness is so misunderstood. My dd behaves so "normally" at times that people sometimes don't believe that she has an illness. My dd told her about her diagnosis, but didn't explain the illness. My dd believes the roommate should do research into the illness herself. This is really the issue as I believe her roommate really doesn't understand bpd.

I told my dd that she can move on campus onto to a single, but she has a lot of anxiety about that as well. When she's feeling good, she loves being around people. She has such an extreme fear of abandonment.

I do know that roommate and we have exchanged texts in the past. I just didn't want to overstep or make things worse.

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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2019, 07:29:53 AM »

Excerpt
She's 21 and a junior in college.

At that age I would be very careful about contacting the friend. Your daughter is at an age where BPD or not she needs to be negotiating her own relationships.
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #12 on: October 06, 2019, 02:51:58 PM »

I agree with Faith..Its a triangulation and you will be drawn in. In case you dont know about this

Google the drama triange.

This splitting unfortunately is a hallmark of BPD..I hate you. I love you..I hate you don't leave me.

She has to sort this stuff out on her own because its a journey
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #13 on: October 06, 2019, 03:08:05 PM »

Here is more information on the Kaufman drama triangle Kaufman Drama Triangle
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nela

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« Reply #14 on: October 06, 2019, 06:20:31 PM »

Thank you both for your advice and the information on triangulation. It has been very helpful. As much as I want to, I think it would be best for me to leave things alone.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #15 on: October 06, 2019, 06:26:33 PM »

I think you are making a wise choice in letting your daughter figure this out on her own.
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nela

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« Reply #16 on: October 07, 2019, 07:12:29 PM »

But it's very difficult standing by and watching. She has destroyed almost all her friendships from high school. There are only a handful of people she even speaks with anymore. I was very hesitant when she decided to move to off campus housing. Her depression, paranoia and fear of abandonment have all led to her losing most of her friends in the past.

DBT Therapy seems to be the only effective treatment so far for BPD. I just wish I could get my dd to truly commit to DBT. She's been going through the motions for a few weeks now, but I don't think she has accepted it as the only way she can get better.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #17 on: October 07, 2019, 11:43:30 PM »

Excerpt
But it's very difficult standing by and watching.

I know. It is hard for me too. But once our children are adults we need to let them make their own mistakes and learn life's lessons on their own time. See if you can do what AlAnon calls detaching with love. That means standing back, not be coming emotionally entangled, not rescuing, and letting our loved ones figure things out on their own. Do you think you can do that? We are all here for you.
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nela

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« Reply #18 on: October 10, 2019, 06:40:30 PM »

It goes against my nature to stand by and do nothing. But I am learning that I need to let my daughter handle things. I can give her advice but she has to make the choices herself. I'm really trying to get her to commit to therapy and try some online resources for help.
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nonbordermom11

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« Reply #19 on: October 10, 2019, 08:56:47 PM »

Nela...my daughter also had trouble keeping friends in college...it was losing them that made her realize her behavior was unacceptable...some left, others were psych majors and understood her, they are still around. They have to learn...Try asking her questions if she calls to say she is not getting along with her room mate. Maybe she can see where her behavior or thinking could be the culprit. She may not accept it, but keep planting the seeds. I wish I did, my DD is 27 and she used to call in college and complain about her room mate who also was a wonderful kid, I would side with my DD. I didn't know her diagnosis back then, it got progressively worse. She lost that friend. One reviewer of the DBT book said she read that book and realized after she lost most of her friends one by one that she saw her self in the book, she finally got it,  she said it changed her life, she is much better now. I sent the book to my DD, not sure she opened it yet. Keep talking to her, it may take awhile, but maybe the lightbulb goes off at some point. Sometimes, I think they use it as an excuse when they act poorly. Others will only tolerate so much.
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nela

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« Reply #20 on: October 13, 2019, 01:44:12 PM »

Hi Nonbordermom11,

Thanks for your words. I can totally relate. I've been trying to put ideas into her mind as well. But she can't see it yet. She thinks it's always her friends are just leaving her. But she does a lot to drive them away that she won't acknowledge. I'm  hoping that she can learn some coping skills in DBT therapy.

It's good to know that your dd is doing better. I'm hopeful for my daughter too.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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