Perfect Daughter Went Wild...Just Realizing BPD Is Cause

[QuietBPDDaughter]

Hello everyone,
The relief I felt upon discovering this site is beyond words.  Reading through thread after thread I realized I am not alone or crazy. 
My 15 year old daughter was a sweet compliant child, albeit very quiet and shy.  She was awarded the best student of the year in third grade.  We were trying to move to a better school district when she was 11.  It was a turbulent time in our lives due to the economy, trouble selling our home, etc.  she is the oldest of three and was very helpful and mature.  Around 12 she was cutting and we saw a therapist.  She didn’t want to go anymore and had stopped cutting.  I’m sure the transition of moving was not easy and we were all stressed.  When she was 14 we had a visit from child protective services saying she was living in an unsafe abusive home.  It was shocking and horrific for all my kids and husband.  She had been reporting abuse and neglect (we don’t feed her, etc.  even though we just came back from a week’s vacation in Florida) to a substance abuse counselor at school for the entire year.  The counselor finally reported to the state us even though she never spoke to me once.   My daughter denied having anything to do with any of it and told us what great parents we are.  She acts perfectly sweet to our faces...always.  Then all he’ll broke loose.   I started hearing all kinds of crazy reports about promiscuity, crazy behavior.  She denied all of it.  She had a new friend group that I didn’t know at the time was bad news.  The few times we have her freedom crazy stuff went on.  Then it was reported something was going on with a senior while she was in 8th grade.  She stated dressing provocatively, sneaking boys to the house, vaping, getting caught buying vape supplies at school, drinking before a cheer competition, etc.  my husband and I were at our wit’s end trying to figure out what happened to our sweet, compliant daughter.  Come to find out this senior was giving her drugs, sexually assaulting her and threatening to kill him self if she would see him.  She cut it off after a few weeks and he overdosed on FaceTime in front of her.  She had been sneaking out and doing all this without us having a clue.  She also snuck random boys in our house at night.  We didn’t find out what had gone on until she wrote us a letter 9 months later.  She has PTSD from the trauma, anxiety, constant triggers and manipulation.  She lies about everything.  We had to take her out of school because the couldn’t keep her safe.  She’s had multiple boyfriends with as many if not more problems then her.  She overdosed on her psych meds after  getting in trouble for sneaking her boyfriend over the one time we left her alone with a grandparent.  Police would not charge the boy who gave her drugs and assaulted her.  She was also doing many drugs.  This whole life was going on while we were sleeping and we had no clue.  She says she never fit in our family, she hates god, she hates everything and anything we like or stand for.  Of course she only tells her therapist these things.  To our face she acts like everything is fine and behind our back plans ways to act out in, see boys, talk to random boys, take off in an Uber, etc.  I can’t explain the craziness our family has gone through. She is very ill and at this point I believe needs needs residential treatment.  We’ve spent thousands on therapy, doctors, etc. to no avail.  She did a short term DBT program and didn’t cooperate one bit. She has constant bitch face in public.  She fits every characteristic of BPD.  It’s so sad.  She’s beautiful and looking back I think she’s always molded into who she thought she should be in the scenario she was in.  Sorry for rambling but the new school year is approaching and I don’t know where we are sending her or how we are going to pay for it.  Her risky behavior is so scary.  All this chaos has wreaked habit on our whole family.  Thanks for being a wonderful sounding board.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello QuietBPDDaughter
Welcome to the group. I am glad you found us and reached out with your first post. Many of us here can totally relate to what you are going through. Has your daughter been formally diagnosed with BPD? That may be the next step towards getting her the help she needs. Meanwhile I hope you will take advantage of all the excellent information to be found on this site. We are here for you.
Hugs
Faith

[QuietBPDDaughter]

Her therapist believes this is the case.  She has a number of other diagnoses due to her trauma, but this explains a lot that went unexplained.  We have an appointment with her psychiatrist in a few weeks.  The therapist who has seen my daughter for 9 months said to mention the BPD possibility to her psychiatrist.   We were told after her suicide attempt by a psychiatrist at the hospital that she needs long term BBT and DBT.  She said she needs to be rebuilt from the ground up.  Current therapy and EMDR has done nothing because she just goes through the motions and thinks she’s fine.

[FaithHopeLove]

OK thanks for that clarification. It sounds like at least the beginning of a plan is in place to "rebuild" her. One step at a time. Please keep us posted about how it goes and know you are not alone.