I want my life back in that I don't live solely to rescue him

[Normlee]

After much stumbling on my part I think I'm where I can begin coming to terms in accepting my 38 yr old son's (J38) BPD. My father suffered with mental illness which I'm sure BPD was a part. J38'S Dad (my ex) had BPD/NPD.  My life has been lived in the shadow of this disorder. I empathize to the point of suffering with them. I minimize, react, try to reason, and defend... J38 is amazing, tortured at times, sweet, cruel at times and akways very needy. I find myself on pins and needles, checking my cell phone for his scared texts worrying about dying from heart palpitations from panic attacks. He has had numerous heart tests.
I want to be a support but I also want my life back in that I don't live soley to rescue him and keep him feeling safe. He's married with 2 kids. He's not working at the moment due to an injury and a flared up panic disorder. If I attempt to back off and deny a panicked request- I am a horrible mother who was never there for him. (After reading about BPD, I'm seeing this is common which eases my guilt some). I feel alone in dealing with this disorder and very stuck.
I don't just want to pacify each crisis. I want to take actions that may have long term affects for my son's good as well as for mine. Thanks for being there. Normlee

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Normlee]

I've been reading more posts (thank you everyone for being honest). It looks like this is a place I can share my story where someone might understand. As I mentioned in my last post my Dad was mentally ill. When I met my ex as a teenager bizzare and cruel behavior was familiar. His Mom was schizophrenic, which meant we had a lot in common and eventually married and had two sons. When my oldest son J38 was 18mo old I separated from his father for a year. I spoke to his psychiatrist who first spoke of BPD to me. I was concerned about J38 having it also as he was so clingy and cried uncontrollably whenever we were separated. He assured me J38 was fine. The truth is my son lived through trauma with his Dad's rages and my inability to leave. My ex and I reunited and had another son NPD.  J38 was molested by a close friend and her husband when he was 5-7 yrs old. We didn't know until he was 21yrs. They threatened to kill us if he told. I can't imagine the horror he went through. Growing up he was scared to sleep alone. He did well in school and had some good friends. At about 13yrs things changed. He became defiant, truant, abusive to his younger brother... In toe to toe conflict with his Dad. Jealous of the easier relationship his brother had with his Dad. I drug the family to counceling, Social Advocates for Youth as well. It went no where. Lots of hurt and blame on all sides. J38 had emotional needy relationships with girlfriends. He ran away at 15yr and associated with a gang. He was tormenting his younger brother. My husband's friends encouraged him to send J38 out on his ear until he shaped up. I was beginning therapy for physical abuse from earlier in our relationship and
emotional abuse  at thwt current time. I was exhausted chasing after J38 and calming his storms and trying to survive the problems in my marriage. J38 ran away at 15yrs. I joined parenting groups, Alanon, therapy.. But I didn't know how to reach or deal well with either of them. J38 was in a freaked out state at 16yrs where I drove him to an outpatient mental health clinic. He would open the door and lean out yelling. He did come in with me, calmed down and they sent him home with no help. It got so bad at home with his gang friends driving by, J38 abusing his brother, his Dad calling the police to calm J38 down that I arranged for my son to live with his grandfather for several years. I have a lot of guilt that I failed him. J38 married a woman 14yrs older when he was 18. We  tried to be supportive. She had a criminal background with jail time we learned later. It was a shortlived violent marriage. He enlisted in the Navy and was discharged after being admitted into what he called the Nuts and Bolts ward. As a young adult I paid for counceling for J38, off and on as much as he was willing to do. He learned some skills over the years. He's been able to regulate some emotions like rage. Fear is a hard one for him. He remarried had has two amazing kids. The oldest daughter suffering from PTSD and anxiety/depression. As you all know in your own stories there are so many more painful chaotic moments. But what I'm holding on to now is that there are so many sweet, overcoming moments too. I had a hard time reconciling my loving, intelligent, caring son with this history that I've shared part of. Learning about BPD is helping me make sense of these real and different parts of my son. I don't want to out my head in the sand like I can tend to do and I don't want to be morbid and hopeless. I'm glad I found this place to begin my journey.

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Normleeb]N[/b]
Welcome to the group. I am glad you reached out to us. It sounds like you have been on quite a journey with your son. I appreciate the way you nonetheless still see good in him. I can also relate to the guilt trips and your not wanting to let your whole life revolve around his disorder. Perhaps a good place to start would be self care.  What are you doing to replenish yourself?
Hugs
Faith

[Normlee]

Thank you Faith,
It's funny that you mention self care. I've been thinking about that quite a bit this afternoon. I remember from the Welcome to Oz website there were a several steps listed to get unstuck. And it said they all build on each other beginning with self care. I've been thinking that is the starting point I need help with. I'm good with other care. I'm a part time caregiver for my 90yr old Mom. I have 7 grandkids I love and help out with. My husband is retired and I think about how I can be there for him... I'm not so great with self care and sometimes talk myself out of taking walks, exercising, picking up an art class I dropped out of quite a while ago...and my reasons revolve around those things being selfish. My head knows that's off base but it feels real. What struck me about what you said was you asked me what I do to replenish myself. I know I feel depleted. I know I can't run on empty and have joy in my life and not be resentful.
Hmmm. Thanks, I'm going to think about what replenishes me. I appreciate your comment

[FaithHopeLove]

I am so happy you are thinking seriously about your self care. You can't help others until you first help yourself. Walking, exercising, art class etc. all sounds good. What do you think you will try first? I can't wait to hear about it.

[Normlee]

I don't know if you realize what your gentle encouragement means to me right now. Thank you.
Last night I reconnected with the art instructor and made arrangements to rejoin the class. (Funny thing) I happen to have the flu so I won't be walking or exercising until it passes. But this bug did seclude me in my room with lots of uninterrupted time so I could research BPD more, join this group and hopefully get started with the Moving Forward group. (Funnier thing) I prayed for
private time to do this - I wasn't thinking flu. It worked though!

[FaithHopeLove]

  I love that you are painting. I like to write and play the harp. We have to remember what brings us joy. Creativity matters.
Hugs
Faith