Trust issues...why can't they trust?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPDw is always questioning if I trust her, actually she doesn't question it, she tells me YOU DON'T TRUST ME.  We have been together 10+ years and she has cheated many times, I have never cheated.  She has moved out, many times.  She said she needs to leave this time because I don't trust her.  I do, I try but it's hard, when she goes into shut down mode and won't speak to me for days on end and she's giggling in her phone.  She says she can't trust me to not blow up her phone if she stays out all night with her friends and she gets sick thinking about it.  That's something I haven't done in many many years.

She says she's moving out and buying a house, she gave me divorce papers a few weeks ago.  I just don't get it.

Any advise?  Thanks in advance!

[Stillhopeful4]

My uBPDw is always questioning if I trust her, actually she doesn't question it, she tells me YOU DON'T TRUST ME.  We have been together 10+ years and she has cheated many times, I have never cheated.  She has moved out, many times.  She said she needs to leave this time because I don't trust her.  I do, I try but it's hard, when she goes into shut down mode and won't speak to me for days on end and she's giggling in her phone.  She says she can't trust me to not blow up her phone if she stays out all night with her friends and she gets sick thinking about it.  That's something I haven't done in many many years.

She says she's moving out and buying a house, she gave me divorce papers a few weeks ago.  I just don't get it.

Any advise?  Thanks in advance!

[Wrongturn1]

It sounds like there are plenty of logical reasons for you not to trust her, so if there is some kernel of truth in her allegations of you not trusting her, I think your distrust is well-justified.

There could be lots of reasons BPDs are not capable of trusting other people.  One reason may be that BPDs themselves are not trustworthy because they tend to lack impulse control and emotional regulation skills, leading to all kinds of erratic behavior.  Then they tend to project their own lack of trustworthiness on those people they are in close relationships with.

So if a BPD doesn't trust you, it's not necessarily something you caused and not something you can fix, because it's a product of their own inner emotional world.

[Stillhopeful4]

Wrongturn...thank you for your reply!

[GoodMan]

Because her brain makes her do things and think things that if you did or thought she wouldn’t trust you. She is projecting the mistrust shes thinks you have for her on you.

She “may” have a personality disorder that causes her to go into self protect mode. Leaving, lying, insulting, fighting, black and white thinking, cheating, etc... all caused by mental dysregulation.

This is very common. My uBPDGF is moving out and I quote “because I can’t love you because I am filled with pain and anger (that I didn’t cause) and I’m hurting you”. She’s taking my step daughter and our dog and breaking up the family because of how she thinks she makes me feel. Something I have never expressed.

If she is BPD she needs help. Help you can’t give her or even push her towards. All you can do is work on yourself. Become strong and honest and and amazing person on your own.

If she has BPD it’s not your fault or for you to fix. Be very homiest about how you feel. Create boundaries that protect your morals and values.

No one knows what will happen next..

Keep posting here. Keep doing research. Keep working on yourself.

[Stillhopeful4]

This is very common. My uBPDGF is moving out and I quote “because I can’t love you because I am filled with pain and anger (that I didn’t cause) and I’m hurting you”. She’s taking my step daughter and our dog and breaking up the family because of how she thinks she makes me feel. Something I have never expressed.

YES...this!  She says this all the time!  Thank you so much for your help!