How to communicate effectively

[Trust5]

These are some of the things our daughter says over and over.  I would love some feedback on how you would respond to these comments:

I miss you
I need a big hug (we don’t live together)
I’m sad
I don’t know what to do
What should I do about. . .
How do I. . . ?
Will you check my email before I send it?
You’re being mean
You’re making me upset
You treat me like crap
I can’t talk to you anymore
I don’t feel good
I’m worried about going to work
I’m tired

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Tazzer

I noticed nobody replied so I thought I’d jump in.

I can see they’re kind of grouped.

Her telling you how she feels
Her asking you to do something
Her asking for practical advice/help

We all want the same thing: to be loved and understood.

It seems I’ve been here for so long in this forum and I don’t keep myself up to date on reading anymore. I’m sure others may pitch in here. I’m replying more in a practical way based on what I’d do, not necessarily what I should do. If you get my drift.

I’d validate her feelings, and then validate her some more. Like a cake, double thick chocolate with a thick layer of cherries on top.

If she asks you to do something I’d gauge it. Is it a quick one off favour?  Or is it something that she should really be doing herself? Remembering that she must learn how to problem solve herself, for herself.

Her sharing specifically about how you make her feel needs to be listened to. Do you think it’s because she’s not feeling validated enough? It’s ok to ask her to explain what she wants you to do or not to do. You can then think about that and decide if it’s reasonable to you.

Not sure if this was helpful. Ha!

How many times per day is your daughter contacting you?

LP

[Swimmy55]

hi Trust,
This reading may help
https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/03.htm
I am not certain of your daughter's status ( getting therapy?).  I have tried " I'm sorry you're feeling that way". 
This may work sometimes unless she is very dysregulated and itching for a fight/ argument.  Then it's time to walk away with a " we can talk about this later".  Do you think  she wouuld allow you walking away or does she follow you around at this point arguing?

[Trust5]

Thanks for jumping in.  I really appreciate your feedback.  It was very helpful!  She contacts me once or twice a day.  I know she needs to be validated but it is kind of awkward when she keeps saying “I miss you” because I don’t just want to mechanically say back “miss you too”.  It’s kind of like people who say “love you” constantly.  I always felt it was “overused” so I say it when it needs to be said, not automatically all the time.  My mother even said it makes her feel uncomfortable to say it to each other after every conversation.  I guess what I’m learning is that people have different levels of validation needs.

[Trust5]

Thanks swimmy55,
I did read this great article and wrote down the steps to have in front of me when I talk to her on the phone and it’s helping.