17 yr old daughter wants to move out

[Katrinalove]

Hi, it's my first time posting. My 17YO DBPD has split me black since her dad turned her against me (parental alienation). He moved away 3 years ago.She is in therapy with a DBT therapist but won't engage in DBT, so they do DBT skills as they come up.She has a campaign of denegration for my whole side of the family and complete adoring love for her father's side.Every day is difficult for me dealing with the way she treats me...feels abusive. I know she is suffering more than I am, and try to go to a neutral place. I will start counseling with a DBT trained therapist soon.
She has her boyfriend and his family convinced that she lives in an abusive home and they want her to move in when she's 18( beginning of senior year)to protect her from me.She has done this to other bf's families previously.I don't want to lose her with this splitting, and a family that doesn't support therapy.Its really hard when people treat me like a horrible person, and I feel like I am losing my child, and hope.( Those who know me know I'm the opposite of abusive, including DCF)I'd love my child not to move out while in HS. Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi KatrinaLove and welcome to the group. I am glad you found us and reached out. This is a great place to get information and support. I know how it feels to be "split black." My son does that too sometimes. Even though you know it is really about them not us, it is still so hard to see our beloved children lash out at us like we are the enemy. You already know splitting is about their pain, not our value as parents. All we can do is get better at not taking it personally. For me lately that means detaching with love. How do you plan on getting off the roller coaster?
hugs
Faith

[Katrinalove]

Thanks so much, Faith! I've been reading so much of the information on the website, and it's helping me feel more hopeful. I have practiced some of the skills. I have a couple of books I have also been reading the last few months.Im thankful for the tools and the community.Things have still been difficult with my daughter. If she says anything to me it's rude or condescending. She barely texts me so I don't know when to pick her up. She refuses to meet me at a time/place, then gets picked up by her bf, who takes her home to his family, then they all don't see why she should have to go home because it's late. So,I'm often made to look bad or made fun of because I take her home. I feel like I am losing her as well as not doing my best to help her with the resources I know will help.Her bf's family only sees the white side. They don't support her therapy.My DBPD moves out 12:01 on her birthday in a couple months. Detaching sounds hard. With love sounds easy.

[FaithHopeLove]

Ugh. It does get tiresome always being cast as the bad one. 17 is a tough age to begin with BPD or not. I am glad you are educating yourself about BPD and that you have more hope as a result. Things really can get better. How do you feel about your daughter moving out on her birthday?

[Katrinalove]

Thanks, FaithHopeLove.
I feel sad about her moving out on her birthday, as if she is celebrating leaving in hatred.Also, I imagine I won't be able to communicate with her as much as I'd like to. Inside myself I feel the loss of a dream and the sense of failure. I have been a good student and tried my best to be a good mother, and I'm used to feeling more on top of things.It all seems so surreal.

[FaithHopeLove]

It sounds like you are grieving what might have been. Lots of us, myself included, are also in that space. Letting go of expectations isn't easy. The only thing I can say is please don't blame yourself. You are a very good mother. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. This is her journey. It is time for the next step.