Easy security for apartment to keep kids safe

[Wilkinson]

I have moved out of my house and into an apartment to get away from my uBPDw and I have filed for divorce to get a court ordered custody plan to see my kids. She keeps wanting me to put the divorce on hold to offer time for reconciliation. I’m skeptical of that but I’m not in a hurry to be single again and I’m willing to give that time as long as I’m seeing my kids on my terms not hers.

She doesn’t like the neighborhood of my apartment. She is refusing to voluntarily let my kids stay over there because of safety. I’m trying to find ways to add some safety. I was thinking of getting an amazon echo, ring doorbell, ring alarm kit, and a smart lock. I think all of this can be purchased for about $350, no reoccurring fees and self installation. If the kids were to be left home alone (oldest is 15) I could still keep track with the ring door bell on my phone and use the camera on the echo to look in on everyone from my phone. I can also make it sound like a dog is in the apartment from the speaker.

Does anyone know another option that’s cost effective? 

[formflier]

There are the amazon systems and the google (nest) systems.

I've kinda gone down the road of "nest" and they seem to work really well. 

I'm less familiar with the amazon stuff.  I'm pretty sure you can control alexa stuff with google (with enough effort) and can control the nest with alexa (again with effort).

Basically..if you are an android/google guy..I would suggest nest.

The biggest thing with the indoor cameras and nest is you should be able to listen and talk back.

All that said...most likely they (complaints for not enough security) are just excuses to push off the separation.

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

Frankly, is there real basis to her concern?  If you have a lawyer, your lawyer ought to be able to tell you whether the court or associated professionals would really have concerns.  I suspect that no matter what you do to appease her demand, once you address it then she'll find some other claim to sabotage your parenting.

If this is a high crime area, then maybe it would be money well spent.  But family court is unlikely to side with her unless it really is unsafe.

This reminds me when we were looking for a property (about 5 years before the marriage imploded).  There was a nicely priced 5 acre wooded lot conveniently located about a mile from the city's circle freeway and 4 miles from my relatives' homes.  All other lots were less than an acre.  What I saw as a problem was a tree removal hurdle.  She said it was a bad area.  Why?  There was a fire house a block or two away and she saw a few kids walking between homes.

Getting security is probably fine but expect her to follow up with other claims.  Repeat, I suspect family court is unlikely to side with her objections unless it really is unsafe.  It may be more concerned with the kids having access to their schools or buses, perhaps a large enough apartment and enough beds too.

Another security system is called Simply Safe.  Court might think better of you getting a security system, or possibly be disinterested.  There's a general truism with the family law system that starts out ignoring anything below the level of being "actionable"... The person behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets credit.

[formflier]

Probably best to think about how you want to parent or "remotely parent" when you are not in the property.  Focus on that and then claim security benefits for whatever system you have.

For me..I'll often have several kids gather around one kids cell phone while on speaker and then I make sure I here each kids voice repeat back whatever instruction/chore they have been given. 

Not really a security thing...but accountability.  That being said..the same system has worked well when we've had a kid go missing (from our point of view) to quickly search an area.

To take FDs thought a bit further.  If her complaints are BS...then addressing them might actually validate the invalid. 

Hence my focus on remote parenting vice "combating danger". 

Best,

FF

[Wilkinson]

You're probably right.  I don't know how the court will view it.  You see people walking around and kids playing outside all the time.  I picked it because it was close to both schools my kids are attending.  My oldest starts an hour earlier than the  rest.  I picked it because he could either walk to a city bus stop to take the bus to school, it's only a mile, he could bike, or it's close enough, I could leave the others to get ready for school, while I took 5 min to drop him off.

I hurriedly found an apartment because she kicked me out of the house and it didn't look like she was going to let me back in.  I didn't think to look at the crime map.  They do have a lot of arrests in the area.  It has been peaceful to me.  I believe it is mostly from warrants that get issued and the police go to where the person is to pick them up.  However, there was a shooting in the neighbor hood two weeks ago.  Now she is all freaked out that there will be more and they will get hit with a stray bullet while in the apartment.  I'm in a year long lease.  I can try to sublet it and find a different place, but that will end up costing me more money somehow.  I'm not afraid to live there. 

We've been trying the nesting method, but that just seems hit or miss, it's all on her terms, and she doesn't always fulfill her end of the bargain.  Sometimes she leaves, other times she sticks around to argue with me for two hours.  Sometimes she stays with a friend, other times she just stays out and comes back when kids are in bed.  She still does all the care for them during the day and can argue that she is the main caretaker.

[ForeverDad]

I don't recall anyone here finding success with the Nesting approach, not with our sort of high conflict cases.  As you found out, the disordered parent is unable to Let Go the temptation to overwhelm the boundaries needed for it to work.

Court won't fret about an occasional shooting incident.  It's very unlikely to tell parents which neighborhoods they can and can't live in.  It may have bigger concerns that the girls have separate bedrooms from the boys and enough beds, etc.

When my marriage was falling apart, soon to implode, my soon-to-be-ex freaked out about abusers and abductors lurking in the bushes anywhere and everywhere.  Never got traction in court.  During one 3 month period where she blocked me from my son, between orders, there was a tornado warning but she wouldn't answer the phone to confirm my preschooler was safe.  My lawyer told me there was nothing to be done, that if I went to court about it that it would think I was crazy, he had more risk from a car accident than from a tornado.  Probably that's similar to how the court would see your ex's demands and objections.

[formflier]

I don't recall anyone here finding success with the Nesting approach

likely good to keep a diary on "just" the nesting issues. 

1.  To show you tried.
2.  To remind yourself later why you are saying "no" and doing two separate households.

I have a person window in my SIL (my wife's sister..much more BPDish than my wife) and my now ex BIL's divorce.  I'm guessing they are 15 years into divorce.

5 years really bad
5 years of sucky
5 years of strong boundaries keeping her crazy out of his life.

I can't think of one time "appeasement" or "giving in to demands" really helped...ever.

Back to advice to make it about your parenting and your parenting style.  Pick something you are comfortable with and be ready to make a reasonable explanation to the court of how you go about it with the welfare of the child  the focus at each step.

Best,

FF

[worriedStepmom]

In our school district, a kid brought an unloaded gun to school.  Another kid turned him in before class started.  Gun taken away, kid's parents, law enforcement, and school psychiatrist called.  Everything handled great. 

This was not SD12's school.  It was not anywhere near SD's school.  SD's mom tried to keep her home from school the next day because she was afraid SD would get shot.  SD insisted that she was going to school and actually threatened to call me to come get her if mom wouldn't bring her.

Your ex is going to find something to freak out about.  As has been proven, children can get shot in Wal-Mart, or a convenience store, or a movie theater, or a concert, or just about anywhere else that was considered safe an hour before.  As long as there isn't a lot of drug or gang activity in your new neighborhood, then you should be fine.

We have a camera in our living room and one upstairs in the game room.  We monitor those from our phones when the kids are home alone.  When a kid disappears from view, my husband uses the Amazon echo app to "drop in" and talk to the kids from his phone.  If they don't answer, I start calling cell phones. They figured out fairly quickly that there are severe consequences for not responding to parents ... and that they can get punished when we get home for behavior we witnessed remotely.

[livednlearned]

I don't know how the court will view it. 

You know she'll bring it up so it's probably good to think ahead and have a plan. So you can let the judge/court know, "Already handled. Next."

Or you can ask the court to advise what kinds of precautions are recommended. Compare crime statistics in both areas if you think it might help. Court will probably want you two to try and come up with your own solution, is my guess.

You can also look at it like she's a scared mom worried about the safety of her kids at a time she's losing a ton of control. You don't need to appease her, necessarily. But it's ok to validate that yes, we want our kids to be safe, I'm glad we're on the same page with that, etc.

Then continue ahead doing what you're doing.

[formflier]

Also...be pragmatic and cast solutions for her...tied in with solutions for YOU.

So...you can put in the temp order.

"For safety's sake, both parents will have installed security systems and cameras at their residences and child swaps will be done at (insert public place)"

So..see how she gets "her" stuff and has to abide by it..and then you get something you want...so you don't have to walk in "her" house and get harangued about the latest thing.

Think forward..be explicit about things you do and don't want to happen, but "provide" those inside solutions to her stuff (whether rational or irrational)

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

That's really good advice.

Because then you can say, Hey let me know what security systems you go with. Once I hear from you I'll move forward with my stuff.

Any time you can put responsibility back on her, it helps reset the dynamic.

She will be more careful about making demands and inserting control if she realizes it will likely swing both ways.

[formflier]

Funny story of how I finally got through these types of "demands".

Basically I was supposed to give her different things to "prove" this that and the other.  At first I figured more openness was good.  It fed the monster...and was never enough..complaints that my information was not in the right format..blah blah

So...I stopped cold turkey and we were in counseling at the time.  She complained loud and hard...so I quickly agreed to restart...but said it was important to me that I get it right...and I was awfully sorry of falling short before.

I would agree to whatever level of reports and information gathering and it would be in the same format as the reports she would turn into me on her...I would take her turning in a report as my cue to generate the same report..in the same format...and send it back. 

Because..she would obviously be happy with any report she would generate..     and certainly wouldn't be a hypocrite and want me to do something she wouldn't do.  Plus...she could teach me her ways.  I even proposed "just us" time to coincide with her report...so I could ask her questions..clarify and all that.

Guess how many reports I got...or did after that...?   

Best,

FF