False allegations of abuse against a stepsibling?

[worriedStepmom]

H's uBPDex posted a thread today on the parenting app that really concerns me. uBPDmom is "afraid" of S10, because at the end of the school year he was involved in a fight on the school bus (someone hit him first).  She called the cops in July to report that I had left her daughter home alone with a violent child. (They weren't home.)  She came to our house later that day and screamed insults about S10, that he heard.
 
A week later, SD12 was on the phone with her mom when S10 went into the room and gave her a big hug. SD was irritated because she was on the phone and said something to her mom about it.  Mom has since made several big deals about us needing to teach S10 appropriate boundaries.  She's been assured on the parenting app each time that we handle issues with the kids.

Today, mom posted a meme about hugging being unwanted touching and said we need to monitor the kids.  We again reassured that we handle issues between siblings as they arise, and if SD complains to her, mom should encourage SD to let us know what is bothering her so we can address it.

Her response was a threat to take SD to the ER to get evaluated for sexual assault. (Plus a correction that they are only "step" siblings.)

My first response was WTF and my second is fear for both SD and S.  Now that she's said it out loud, there's a 50% chance that mom will actually do this - or try to.  It is increasingly likely that she will call CPS and make false allegations against S.

I immediately sent the post to the lawyer.  H responded back on the app that she needed to stop this nonsense - she doesn't know S, she doesn't see the kids interact, and her threats to traumatize SD with false allegations are serious.

Any other advice on how to handle this?  I'm not sure whether to reach out to the T (who sees both SD and S) or not.

[PeteWitsend]

Yes, get the T involved.  If neither kid has any issues and is just like "WTF?" then at most you're out of pocket for a visit.

Hopefully both kids understand they did nothing wrong; I can imagine a 10 year old kid wanting to hug his step sister for perfectly innocent reasons, and it's OK!  

And at least you will be reassured you did everything you needed to do.  

I feel your frustration!

Whenever my son mentions something silly to his mom, I get a bunch of heated emails (I generally just ignore them).

I put out some ant poison to kill the ants coming thru the front door?

PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR HOUSE IS A SAFE ENVIRONMENT FOR OUR KIDS. I CAN CALL ORKIN FOR YOU IF YOU CANT HANDLE THIS.

Son mentions he doesn't like the cartoons from Wife's home country and wants to watch SpongeBob?

PLEASE STOP MOCKING MY HERITAGE TO OUR CHILDREN; THIS IS ABUSIVE ALIENATION.

[livednlearned]

When my ex went on a false allegation spree, my L suggested to his L that a full custody evaluation be done so there was a baseline from which the investigations could refer.

I don't know if that tactic would work in your case. With my ex, he didn't want any light shining on his psyche anymore than it had been.

My L's tactic was to change the conversation to one we wanted to have instead of one ex wanted to have.

[mart555]

How much do the kids know about their mom's illness?  Was borderline ever discussed by the therapist?  They are old enough to start to learn that the mom doesn't mean a lot of what she says because she is mentally ill...

[worriedStepmom]

Borderline hasn't been mentioned yet.  SD's mom is open about being diagnosed with anxiety, so we've blamed that. [My bio-kids don't believe this because we have several family members with severe anxiety who don't act like that; SD12 probably doesn't believe it but won't admit that yet.]
We've described it to the kids as like looking at a fun house mirror -  you can still see the person in the mirror, but the image is completely distorted.  So all three kids are aware that SD's mom believes things that aren't true.

SD's T gave me tips on how to start a conversation that could let us make SD aware of what might happen without coming right out and saying "your mom is making up stuff again and this one is serious".

However, Lnl, I think we inadvertently used your strategy.  mom got served last night.  The L was more ruthless than I expected - she asked for uBPDmom to pay attorney's fees and asked for temporary orders with either no contact or a minimal schedule to protect SD's emotional health.   mom is now very freaked out at the idea that she might have to pay H's lawyer's fees, since she doesn't have enough money to hire her own lawyer. 

I guess we wait to see if she is distracted enough to focus on the legal stuff or if she retaliates by dragging S into this.

[mart555]

I guess we wait to see if she is distracted enough to focus on the legal stuff or if she retaliates by dragging S into this.

She'll likely do both.  Waste money having a lawyer send a letter back and retaliate by dragging S if she doesn't have anyone else to blame. 

Why not mention borderline?  My 10yo heard me talk about borderline / manipulative behavior and whatnot with the doctor and asked a bunch of questions later... he feared developing it.  This opened up the door and with the therapist, he realized more and more where his mother's behavior is coming from and it helps him understanding it a bit while maintaining boundaries. 

[worriedStepmom]

SD's T is not willing to discuss labels like that with SD, since her mom has not been diagnosed.

We're also concerned that if we use the term with her, she will repeat it back to her mom, and there will be a whole lot of mess because mom will think we are disparaging her.  People diagnosed with BPD don't generally seem to handle the label well.

From advice here on the forum, we watched What About Bob? (the Bill Murray movie) with SD a few months ago and talked about unhealthy behaviors and the effect they can have on other people.  That Bob had serious issues, but he was able to hide them enough that some people saw Bob as amazing and perfect, but the therapist went crazy because he was the focus of the bad behavior and no one believed him.  Although we never once mentioned her mom in the conversation, I think that was a turning point for SD in how she views the situation.

I think as soon as this round of custody modification is over I'm going to start leaving "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Understanding the Borderline Mother" in prominent places in the house and see what happens.

[mart555]

People diagnosed with BPD don't generally seem to handle the label well.
...
I think as soon as this round of custody modification is over I'm going to start leaving "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Understanding the Borderline Mother" in prominent places in the house and see what happens.

My ex-wife used the label as an excuse for everything.  And was using the eggshells book like a bible.   Quite different!

The borderline mother book is a bit scary for kids I think..  they show how messed up they can become. 

[worriedStepmom]

i will post another thread instead