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Author Topic: My daughter in law has Borderline Personality Disorder  (Read 950 times)
Heart66

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
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« on: August 09, 2019, 10:40:03 AM »

   Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)  My daughter in law has BPD and my son is beginning to mirror her behavior and they are harassing me. There is so much more but I am so stressed out.  I am looking forward to learning more about this and finding new ways to cope myself.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Swimmy55
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« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2019, 10:48:26 AM »

Welcome .  I am glad you found us.  Take a look around  here, , there are 3 links at the top of the posts here you can check out and get more familiar with this board.
I gather the daughter in law and son are  not in therapy at this time?  Well, here, the focus is on YOU.  Your life and happiness is as important as your DIL and Son's.  Can you share a bit more as you are able on how they are driving you nuts?  Please be assured, we know your pain here.
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Heart66

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« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2019, 01:40:28 PM »

My son met my DIL 4 years ago after high school graduation. They went to the same high school but did not know each other well and connected on Facebook. He sent her a message after he noticed she had a little baby and was single. They went out on 2 dates and then began dating exclusively after that. They began asking me to keep the child while they went on dates and I obliged thinking he would be fun and I didn't mind. She had a history of BPD and Bipolar as well as Postpartum Psychosis she said. She has a prior drug addiction and spent 6 months in rehab. She was on medication when they met and only working part time. My son began paying her way not long after they met. He did not have good boundaries and had a hard time saying no and taking care of his business. She also had a habit of leaving her child everywhere so she could do what she wanted without the burden of a child tagging along. We are still in this pattern of leaving the children with a variety of family members. She has kids (18 months and 5 years - yes the youngest is my sons child) that are in school and day care. When I do not keep the children I am the bad person. I am single, work and go to school and make time when I can. Sometimes she would leave the child and not answer her phone. My son would call and ask if I knew where she was. Of course I didn't.
     He is self-employed and his business has begun to decline so he expanded due to the financial demands. She spend so much money he has to expand to meet the obligations. A new home, two new vehicles, new home furniture. a newly landscaped yard at $$$$, endless shopping and high credit card balances, hair coloring with extensions and that constantly changes. She lays in the bed a lot rather than get up and clean. Dirty floors, dishes, dirty diapers everywhere, food, stink, animals in the house.  My son is worn out from working all day every day and coming home to clean, cook, wash clothes and try to keep her happy. I don't see how he can do this much longer. His work is showing he is not capable of all of this. Did I say I have NEVER seen anyone spend money and treat people as inconsiderate and selfishly as he has done with her.
     Trips out of state they ask to go on alone and leave the children with multiple family members.  That is a lot for me since I work full time and live alone. I also am on call 24/7. If I deny their requests I do not get to see the children and they have nothing to do with me. She has contacted me several times since they met to tell me he is suicidal, drove away from the home and she needs to go find him, he is depressed, he is angry and even called and said "I didn't hit him but he left." That tells me she may have hit him or she would not have said that in the first place.
     She thought I had stolen shower gifts that were stored at my home so she convinced my son I did and they went through everything in my house to find them. There were gift cards and money they said were missing. I did not do that. I am financially secure and buy what I need so I would never think to steal anything. When they didn't find anything at my house, they searched her mother's home for things they accused her of stealing, which they found nothing. I had to change the locks on my house to keep them out. There is just nothing that is enough.
     My son borrowed my car and $200 to go meet her in a mountain resort 4 hours away after she supposedly met another guy and kissed him she said. He went out of town to address it and try to repair that issue. She even went out of town to help a relative and stayed 2 extra days and did not return when she said she would and I was left with the child while my son worked. She could not be reached and never returned a phone call. She just showed up on the final day 6 hours late.
     Prior to her coming around, my son and I had found a good place and healed much since the divorce. Since then he said I can talk and have a relationship with her because it is the same thing as having a relationship with him. That is not working. It seems he is mirroring her behavior and I cannot talk to him because he will not listen.
     She has high expectations for me. She calls to see where I am when I am off work, finds reasons she needs help with the kids, even had someone at a social event take pictures of me and send the pictures to them. Then I was told I needed to stay home and act like a mom. I feel she and my son treat me like a child who is only around for their beck and call. He was not like this until he met her. They need someone to keep the kids so they can run around or so she can sleep or ? It has been hard to have a life of my own and relationships of any kind due to my lack of boundaries in putting my life on hold. I have begun to have boundaries and I am doing better but they lash out more. Help! I am glad to find this page. He goes to counseling but she does not.
     
     
« Last Edit: August 09, 2019, 01:47:06 PM by Heart66 » Logged
livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: August 10, 2019, 12:07:11 PM »

Hi Heart66,

I admire you for working and going to school, not to mention juggling the demands that your DIL puts on you, without much regard for what you're going through.

I like how Dr. Lobel (author of Having a BPD Daughter) says that we must become selectively supportive parents. I know in your case it's your DIL and not D, but it sounds like the same challenge.

Lobel says our role is to support independent functioning, and not comfort. We need to consider every offer of assistance and decide whether it encourages or discourages codependency (versus independence). Every time you offer support, your son and DIL must have skin in the game. Meaning, they have to have a motivation to be independent, more than the need to be dependent on you.

A lot of BPD sufferers equate boundaries with being mean. There are some very well-tested emotional manipulations that go with that, usually playing on our sense of fear, obligation, and guilt.

When you put boundaries in place, how do they lash out?
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Heart66

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 5


« Reply #4 on: August 10, 2019, 09:04:25 PM »

Thank you for your response to my post. Thank you for the information from that author. When they lash out, I get raging texts about all of my past mistakes, projections of things she does and talks as if it is me (I can give examples if needed), threaten me with a lawyer, she twists any information or anything I say such as experiences I have had in life and she twists it and my sons gets mad. They act like I am married to them. When they need something and I do not do it, I am the bad guy. I was out dancing with friends for a birthday party one evening and they had one of their friends take pictures of me and then she sent raging texts about how I need to be at home and should not be out. It is most similar to that of a parent/child relationship as if I am the teen. 
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2019, 03:29:27 AM »

Hi Heart66
I join the others in welcoming you here. What you are going through with your DIL sounds awful. I can only echo what others have said about boundaries and being careful not to enable dependency. That and self care. Posting here is self care. Have you thought about therapy as well? I find it helps. Others here do yoga, practice meditation, pray, garden, swim. I am probably forgetting a few things. I love that you went dancing with your friends. Anything you can do to nurture your own spirit will help make you stronger for the days ahead. We are all with you.
Hugs
Faith
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Heart66

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« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2019, 10:25:22 PM »

Thank you.  Yes I am going to therapy. In fact, the therapist is the one who helped me figure out what has been going on with her and has helped me with some boundaries. I have begun using different self-care activities that are helping so much.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #7 on: August 11, 2019, 10:53:41 PM »

I am glad you are taking care of yourself and setting boundaries with your DIL
What are your goals at this point?
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livednlearned
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« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2019, 07:19:17 AM »

When they lash out, I get raging texts about all of my past mistakes, projections of things she does and talks as if it is me (I can give examples if needed)

Examples can be really helpful. I find for myself I need help with specific phrases and understanding how to manage my own emotions.

It is so interesting what you said about feeling like you're married to them, or that you're the teen and they are the parents.

I have felt that way with SD22, too. It happens when boundaries are like tissue paper. When I finally started to focus on ten foot thick concrete walls and a titanium backbone, she became almost child-like. Lots of trembling lips and tears, was I mad at her, helplessness.

What are some of the boundaries your T is helping you with?
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Breathe.
Heart66

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Posts: 5


« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2019, 08:45:11 PM »

It is interesting how she came to tears as the boundaries were very stringent. My boundaries are better than they have been and I have plans of how to handle the future emergencies and requests.
     Boundaries are just saying , not answering the phone or returning calls if I am busy. Their calls are not necessarily emergencies. I am respecting the people I am with and the plans I make before I get involved with them. Unfortunately this means I may not see my grandsons as often.
     Special days such as holidays and birthdays are heartbreaking as she always ruins that. I will need coping strategies for that. I hope therapy can lend some strategies. I will also no longer be alone with her as I believe she makes up things I do not say and tells my son or twists my words. I cannot think of any other reason why he is so hateful to me. I am beginning this journey of understanding what I am up against.
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