Son with aggressive tendencies

[Bryn Aber]

Need advice for how to stop violent aggressive meltdowns when I am alone with son

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Bryn
I am glad to meet you but sorry for the circumstances. First things first. Are you safe? Do you need help finding domestic violence resources ?
Faith

[livednlearned]

Do you feel comfortable sharing a little more so we can walk with you and see if there are skills that might work?

Does your son go through tender cycles?

[Bryn Aber]

Thank you for this. He's very anxious has a diagnosis of atypical autism. Very difficult to write about it. I feel he abuses me now as his father left us..after refusing to have son at house leading to him being placed in Homelss Sheletr aged 17. I tried to get him out but not able to until 2017. Have encouraged college helped pay for everything...but probably rewarded poor behaviour to keep the peace

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks for giving us more background. Can you tell us what is happening now that makes you feel afraid to be alone with him? 

[livednlearned]

The specific relationship and communication skills are not intuitive and must be learned -- please don't blame yourself for rewarding bad behavior. When we know better, we do better.

As a single mama, your situation was amongst the hardest.

Can you forgive yourself?

[Bryn Aber]

 I need to learn how to diffuse but not give in. I want to please that's my pro men

[FaithHopeLove]

My son rages too. The best approach I have found so far is to validate the feeling. ("That must be very frustrating. for you. I can see why you might feel that way.") but not the content ("You and I see that differently and that's OK.)
All the time I try to be intentional about my own boundaries, remembering they are about me and not him. For example, I can say no to something he asks for and not feel like I have to justify it beyond "I am not comfortable with that."

Do you think a similar approach might work with your son?

[Bryn Aber]

Thank you that's really helpful.
I find I'm agreeing to things to appease. I'm not helping when he rages and I apologise for my behaviour when he blames me for causing it. I will have done nothing. I don't want him to get into trouble eith services because he is under all of this..a decent polite young man..to others. Just not all that much to me.
I am resilient and strong but this situation is very complicated due to a whole host of things so can't write about. Just to say that autism plays a part in his behaviour and as an example of how this manifests there is anxiety about life and a tendency to avoid socialising or doing regular things without behind the scenes support . He's only really got me and I had cancer just before Christmas but he felt aggrieved that he didn't know before everyone else and was just cross !

[FaithHopeLove]

Ugh. The blame game
 I know it well. How are you doing at not taking it personally?

[livednlearned]

My son is on the spectrum, too.

ASD is a spectrum of sensory differences. A lot of people on the spectrum are in a chronic state of fight or flight -- the sensory overload is excruciating, and dealing with it makes it much harder to regulate emotion, which makes it harder to do pretty much everything else, like be reasonable or solve problems or be social.

Has your son ever done any neurofeedback or somatic experiencing therapy?

Does he identify with his ASD diagnosis or has he rejected it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders