Break up but she still wants to visit and say goodbye

[truthbeknown]

I broke up with my gf after what I would call "the last straw".   I have posted about this relationship and it's so heartbreaking that I am here again.  The last straw was that  a week or so ago she called me some names and existed the conversation.  I was ready to leave at that time because my awareness of having a partner who frames me as "the bad guy" has ruined my life with my children.  They are alienated from me and so i'm very aware of how damaging it can be if a person with a personality disorder doesn't get what they want or wants to punish you. 

My gf has shown me that she has punishing behaviors and we are not even separated yet.  My fears have been that if I continue this relationship and get married and then she goes off the deep end then her punishing behaviors will be more intense.

There is also the sweet side so the splitting is intense.  It's like dealing with 2 different people as most on this board can attest to. 

I let her talk me into "repairing" as she calls it because while we were breaking up I tried to have some compassion when she asked "why do you think I am like this?".  I told her that she has had alot of trauma in her past and it might have affected her that she can't see who i really am and thinks that i'm just her trauma.  I looked up a therapist that does hypnosis to see if she could help people with bpd.  The therapist said that she could and has many cases of helping people with bpd.  However, when she spoke with my gf apparently she told my gf that she has bpd over a phone consult and then recommended sessions.  My gf went into depression first.  I felt so bad that she was going through the shame of realizing that she might have a personality disorder etc.  The next day she shifted into being mad at the therapist and researching articles and telling me "i only have 5 of the 9 traits so i'm not bpd".   

In the meanwhile , i'm still being confronted with the fact that she called me names and was verbally abusive again and now I'm back to supporting her emotionally and feeling bad for her.   This led to 4 days of bonding again and then bam on Saturday she framed me as a narcissist and was directing hate towards me.  She told me that because i wouldn't admit to something (which wasn't true, i admitted to doing something she didn't like but i just didn't apologize for it because it was a boundary) she didn't like she attacted me verbally and attacted my character. 

So I ended things through text yesterday.  Not my preferred way of dealing with things but i was so hurt that the person who is trying to help her the most is being framed this way.  It's not shocking that a person with bpd would do this but just disheartening.  It feels like being in a relationship or even breaking up with a pwbpd requires one to do things that they don't want to do.  I didn't want to break up through text but there was no way i could see to getting past her pulling me back in and playing victime again.  I needed emotional space to be able to be strong and do this.

The challenge is that she was supposed to come and vist on Wed. I had bought her plane tickets and was going to introduce her to my family.  Now she still wants to come and is selling me on this being a "closure" meeting where we can use this to heal and that it can be healing. 

Quite honestly, i am feeling manipulated because i think her coming would be harder for me to end the relationship.  I think she seduce me and then it will go down hill from there.  For me.  And then i think if she uses her body to make me remember what i am missing she will be okay with that or that will be closure for her.  Maybe i'm being synical right now but that is what this relationship has done to my brain.  It could be possible that her good side is speaking to me and i'm just anticipating her bad side coming out again.

She claims she wants to work on this and is now admitting that she thinks she has traits of bpd just not all of them.  She doesn't have the money for counseling and if she moved here i would have to pay for her to go to school and counseling etc.  It just seems like too much risk for this relationship investment even though i do love her and it will be very difficult to let her go. 

Back to being split.   Should i just let her come to say goodbye?  I'm so split on this!

[Cat Familiar]

She has alienated you from your children. She punishes you. There is a sweet side to her. You tried to get her help through a therapist, but that backfired. She accused you of being a narcissist. You ended things through a text, but she still wants to come visit to have closure. You're concerned that she will seduce you. She's willing to admit some BPD traits, but not all. If she moves to your area, you'll have to pay for her school and counseling. You love her and think it's difficult to let her go.

Do you love all of her, or just hope that you'll be able to experience only the "sweet side" of her? She is a package deal, you know.

[formflier]

If you broke up with her...help me understand the continuing communication?

Wouldn't it be easier to stay broken up (if that's what you want)...by not visiting with her when she comes?

Best,

FF

[truthbeknown]

Cat- no that was my ex wife. I was typing fast this morning.

[truthbeknown]

FF

I'm considering her coming only to have closure and we were supposed to split expenses. She owes me 300.00

But I'm conflicted over whether i should forget about trying too get paid for her part

[GaGrl]

Honestly, for self-preservation, I would let it go and say good-the to the $300.

[truthbeknown]

Ok thanks GG

[formflier]

How would seeing her in person help you collect it compared to sending her a letter or an email?

Ultimately it seems to me not likely you will see the $300 again.  Has she borrowed and paid you back in the past?

Best,

FF