Detaching and Divorcing

[mama-wolf]

So, it is taking longer than I would have hoped to get my divorce finalized...in part because of my own lack of understanding of the actual process (file, serve notice, waiting period for response, request summary judgement, etc) and in part because I guess things like this just take longer than you would expect.  Either way, I'm hoping it will be resolved very soon...

The reality of the divorce has surprised me a little as far as its impact on me.  I expected to have more of a relieved sense of "Finally!" which is there somewhat, but mostly it's just that overarching feeling of failure.  Intellectually, I can see the error there...but that's still the way it feels.

uBPDxw still consistently pushes boundaries.  She expects us to act friendly in front of the kids for the sake of appearances, and uses that to ask me questions about things that are none of her business, or she expects me to "back her up" on correcting some behavior.  When I would try to disengage or disagree, she'd make me out to be unfriendly or say I was undermining her in front of the kids. It was getting to the point where I was dealing with as much anxiety as when we first separated--if not more.

My T was getting pretty fed up on my behalf and encouraged me to scale back my contact with uBPDxw even further.  She said I was just getting re-traumatized over and over...a characterization I really don't like and still resist, but I get it.  That first resulted in the Family T separating us in her waiting room (we have appointments every other week), and eventually the FT even determined I really don't need to be in most of those sessions since D10 and uBPDxw are the main focus right now.  So I see the FT in a totally separate appointment to check in, and she'll pull me into the others if needed. 

I had tried backing off on therapy to every other week, but was finding it really hard to get through the time between sessions.  It just felt like so much going on that it all piled up and I could barely get through it all when I finally did see her and I was generally miserable trying to get through each day.  She was of course very supportive of me moving back to a weekly cadence, which has helped even though it's sometimes difficult even getting through that!

We haven't gotten into some of the deeper, scarier topics yet.  I still push away and suppress my emotions, though they're bubbling closer to the surface these days.  That's not fun.  My T is very encouraging and patient, cheers me on when I display even the slightest progress, etc.  She even made a comment about a month ago that I seem to be doing pretty well "on paper," referring to different plans I had made to either travel or be with friends.  I felt like such a liar given how really awful I generally feel inside.  I had so much anxiety leading up to my appointment with her the next week, because I felt like I really had to acknowledge there are other, harder topics that we'd eventually have to talk about.

She was very gentle with trying to draw out of me what I thought those topics are.  I went with the easiest and most obvious...one she had already brought up early on in therapy that I could address very factually...abandonment issues.  She promised we wouldn't dive deep on the subject at that point (especially since we were close to the end of session), but invited me to list the examples from my life that I thought fit here.  Also easy enough for me since we had talked about a few of them before on a surface level.  But after I left the session, I was a little freaked out.

I have wanted to backtrack on that so hard, and "luckily" for me enough has been going on with uBPDxw and the PC lately that there hasn't been much opportunity to really circle back on it...but it's there, waiting.  She has brought us back to it very briefly once already, and I wish I could un-ring the bell.  I know some folks even withdraw from therapy or skip appointments at times like this, but I also know how miserable I get when there's too much time between sessions.  I'm just not quite sure how to navigate the trust I have for my T and the ingrained desire to lock away this stuff and pretend it was never there.

mw

[Radcliff]

Wow.  You've got a lot of change going on.  Be patient with yourself.  It's OK to feel like it's too much, and slow some things down.  Processing the divorce alone is a huge deal.  On the scary therapy issues, take things at a pace you can handle.  When you're ready, addressing those things has the potential to move them to a place that's less scary and less disruptive to your life.  That's a great future to look forward to, but it's totally normal to say  not quite yet!

Do you have any things that you do that give you joy?  Things that energize you, are pure pleasure, and get your mind off your troubles?

RC

[mama-wolf]

Do you have any things that you do that give you joy?  Things that energize you, are pure pleasure, and get your mind off your troubles?

Thanks, RC...It can certainly be overwhelming (frequently), and at the same time, I'm so tired of feeling bad, feeling like I'm not "me," and wanting that to just go away.   There's not a lot of joy or pure pleasure in my life at the moment.  My T has encouraged me to continue working on building/rediscovering my identity--much of which was lost in the 15 years I was with my uBPDxw.  I have been mechanically doing things that I used to enjoy, or have always wanted to do, but they feel pretty empty.  That's probably all part of the process, but it's definitely frustrating.

mw

[Radcliff]

It takes time.  I found myself mechanically following my therapist's recommendations to do outdoor activities, go to support meetings, etc. without much improvement for a while.  Eventually, those things started to have an effect.  What activities from your past or on your future bucket list seem the most likely to bring you some enjoyment?

RC

[mama-wolf]

What activities from your past or on your future bucket list seem the most likely to bring you some enjoyment?

Mostly taking some small trips locally, getting out in nature a little more often, pursuing some larger fitness goals, and planning a couple of bigger trips.  Like you said, it mostly feels mechanical, but it's better than starting at a wall and constantly ruminating on everything.

I went to a concert this past weekend that uBPDxw definitely would not have wanted to attend.  If I had ever gone with her, it would have come at a price of comments during the show about what she clearly didn't like plus a "what do I get to do that's equal to what you got to do?"  And if I went alone, it would have been at the expense of being made to feel guilty for her having to take care of the kids while I did.  So in the 15 years we were together, I never went to see this artist perform.  While the concert itself didn't blow me away, I felt it was important to do something like that, and it was enjoyable enough, especially since a couple of my friends were also there.

Saw my T today, and we talked through a few things.  I can tell her focus was mostly on making sure I'm a bit more grounded after the crisis mode of the past couple of weeks.  Not crisis as in specific danger...just situations causing heightened anxiety that I know had to be addressed before any deeper work.  We touched briefly on the general heaviness I feel and my sense of being stuck. Assuming things are relatively stable over the next week, I guess we will end up working through that more next week.

mw

[Radcliff]

Great news on the concert!  That's what I'm talking about! 

I found it helped me to brainstorm as long a list as I could of soothing or joyful things.  With variety -- from things that would get me out of the house to see people to things I could do while puttering around the house.  I tried to have a couple of easy, simple things to do in my hip pocket in case I found myself deep in a malaise, like taking a walk to the park a half mile away, organizing a closet or photos that had been neglected during the marriage, etc.  When I was feeling totally lame, I'd force myself to pick something from the list.  There were times when I felt so low I just slept, and I accepted that that was where I needed to be, but then eventually, I'd hit a point where I'd say to myself, "Alright, I've got the tools to do something about this, go pick something from the list."  Yes, as you said, mechanical at first, but it's kind of like physical therapy -- you do it because you've got faith it will work eventually.  The results are not quick or pain free, unfortunately.  But you'll get there.

RC