What do I do next? HELP

[Piper15]

 
I'm screaming for help...and no one is there!
I think that is the thing I struggle with the most, is that my 15 yo D just doesn’t CARE.   I looked at some websites, and read some articles today about teens that refuse to follow rules, and nothing is ever mentioned about what to DO if they don’t follow the rules. It’s all this fluff about setting boundaries and being consistent. yadda yadda yadda...I can set rules...and she's not going to obey them!
So what do I do when she breezes through my boundaries without a care in the world? The therapists don’t tell you what to do in THAT situation.  I get mad reading some of these articles and such, because they say all the things I’ve been trying to do….with NO RESULTS.  I need some HARD TRUTH…she needs some HARD CONSEQUENCES.  I fear that without that…she’s going to be a lost cause. And legal consequences are what I’m talking about.  We have already taken away all the things that we can from her. she has been removed  off of our phone plan, and she has to pay for her own phone. I got tired of only having her phone as leverage….she’d do something bad, and we’d shut her phone off. The last time we did that, I came home to overturned furniture.  Now she can pay for her own phone, and I have no input on what she does with it.  So, I literally have NOTHING else to take away from her.
Legally, I have to provide her shelter – she has a room.
Clothes – she has those
Food – She has that
But I can’t make her stay where she is supposed to.
I can’t stop her from sneaking out in the middle of the night to go have sex in a car with some random guy she met online.
I can’t stop her from smoking dope with her friends.
I can’t stop her from skipping school.
I can’t stop her from Vaping.
I can’t stop her from LYING
I can’t MAKE her take her meds.
I can’t FORCE her to go to therapy.

This is my dilemma. She’s been inpatient hospitalized 3 times, outpatient for 2 weeks, and in a day treatment program for 2 months. When is enough going to be enough? I’ve given her every opportunity to succeed…and she’s digging her whole deeper and deeper. It’s like that old saying goes “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink”
***story of my life***

Now she's leaving whenever she wants to, even when I say no. Do I call the police? Can they DO anything about it? I called her county case manager...and she's out of town until Aug 20th. Why do I feel like when I need the help most...it's NEVER THERE?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

In some places there is such a thing as a PINS (person in need of supervision) warrant that allows police to place minors into group homes etc.. I don't know if that would be helpful or not. Just thinking out loud about the alternatives.

[Bluemoon23]

That's so stressful and I can hear your wanting and needing a change. Have you tried to take her to her pediatrician/family doctor and have a discussion?

I had to do this with my son when he was 17 and I also had multiple Emergency Room visits until I was able to get him admitted into an inpatient program that worked for him.

Just another thought to try?

Keep strong and keep trying!

[PeaceMom]

Piper,
You can’t control another person, it’s impossible. You are st your wit’s end because she is ignoring every boundary you set out. Are you still considering Residential? If so, when can she go? If not, will she start school soon?  Is she physically abisive toward you?

We took everything away from my DD when she was 16 and that left us with zero leverage. I have no advice except self care.
I know you are desperate for logical practical advice but there is nothing logical about our teenagers living at home with serious BPD. 

I read all the books and searched high and low for solutions, but never found any. When she turned 18, I had a tiny bit of relief bc I knew I was off the hook for her illegal behavior.

Do you have a therapist yourself?
I wish I had wise words for you, Piper. We can brainstorm with you, if that might be helpful.

Hugs,
Peacemom

[Piper15]

Last night all PLEASE READ hit the fan. (pardon my language)  I work from home as an analyst, and I was just finishing up my day. When I left my office...I have SO MANY kids at my house. Like...is my house the new "hang out" cause I don't love that!  Anyways, there are 6 girls (including my daughter) and 4 boys (including my son) The boys are fine.  Then I walk through my living room...and I smell pot...REAL STRONG. So, I sniff a few times, and my D says "what are you smelling for?" I said "It smells like WEED in here!"  All the sudden, her and all her girlfriends SCATTER, and she's texing me saying "I'm leaving!" I said "your friends can leave, but you should STAY" and she bails anyways. Leaving one of her friends little sisters at my house to swim with the boys.  We get into a TEXTING altercation...cause she isn't mature enough to talk to me like an adult.  She proceeds to tell me "I don't even care about the weed smell, if you don't like it...spray an air freshener!"  At which point I had a full out panic attack.  I called the police, but they said they couldn't do anything for me. They referred me to social services...who ALSO told me that they can't do anything for me.  So, that's SUPER.  Now my kid is gone, I have no clue where she is.  She decides she isn't coming home, and lets me know. Her words are "Im going to sleep somewhere else, cause I just can't handle this today"  Uhm...you're the one who brought drugs into my HOME? What EXACTLY is it that you can't handle? The reality?  Then my son tells me that she is in her room. Her and one of her friends snuck in through her window!  After they were gone again, I went to go into her room to put a board in the window so she can't utilize her WINDOW as a DOOR.  Her bedroom door was locked, and I couldn't get it open.
I'll call the residential place today, and find out what their wait list is.  The application has already been submitted.

Im just MAD. Like...mad mad!

[FaithHopeLove]

I would be mad too. That is outrageous behavior. Unfortunately it is also typical behavior for teens with BPD. My main concern is for your health. While you await residential treatment for her (a great idea) what are you doing to care for yourself?