Crazy making - dealing with husband’s ex’s family

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I told a friend of mine tonight that when you marry a man with kids, you marry him, his kids, his family, his ex and his ex’s family!

I need to vent about this latest chapter in our saga and my friends can only hear so much about this crazy. I’m scheduling time with MY therapist, but I need to vent in the meantime.

To recap, we suspect my husband’s ex had BPD, though she was not diagnosed. They divorced a few years ago and had joint custody of their one child. A couple of years ago, my husband’s ex went off the deep end,, did some terrible things that landed her in jail and then died by suicide.

I have recently started communicating with my husband’s former mother in law to coordinate visitation with my stepdaughter (because I am the master schedule keeper for the household) and while I want to support the relationship between my stepdaughter and her maternal grandparents (because I believe it’s the best thing for my stepdaughter to have a relationship with her maternal side of the family), I am a little leery of getting sucked into the crazy.

Right before his ex’s suicide, my husband had his stepdaughter evaluated by a psychologist who specialized in children who had experienced trauma. She met with my stepdaughter and said that she was not attached to her mother and that my stepdaughter was trying really hard to put on a brave face that everything was “fine” and happy, though there were issues that had gone back years. I knew something was wrong as soon as I met my stepdaughter, as she was hyper attached to me the second I met her (about 6 months before her mother died). A child with a healthy attachment to her own mother wouldn’t be so desperate for a mother figure.

Anyway, I knew something was wrong and then when her mother lost her mind and then died, it confirmed it.

Since then, my stepdaughter has received counseling and my husband and I saw a therapist who had seen his ex and suggested the BPD diagnosis. The explanation that was given to me was that my husband’s ex just wouldn’t engage in any negative feelings and wouldn’t validate her daughter’s negative  feelings when she had them. My experience with my stepdaughter has shown this to be the case. It’s clear that NO ONE in that family talked about their feelings because my husband and his daughter are learning how to do this for the first time.

Anyway - back to the grandmother. She’s been texting me about her daughter - how my stepdaughter was her whole world, the values she raised her to have, how she did talk with my stepdaughter about negative feelings, etc. The last part might seem minor, but it’s important to me because it’s so far from reality. I once asked my stepdaughter if she and her mother ever talked about her feelings and she said, “no, never” and the specific observations from THREE therapists were that negativity was not tolerated between my stepdaughter and her mother.

I understand that the grandmother is never going to be able to accept that her daughter (my stepdaughter’s mother) was mentally ill, but it makes me feel a little weird that her experience of this woman was SO DIFFERENT than what I’m seeing played out with my stepdaughter. It feels like a form of gaslighting. I don’t think the grandmother has ever acknowledged the actions that landed her daughter in jail. This isn’t a “he said, she said” - her daughter did some bad things, got arrested, then died by her own hand. This isn’t subjective - it happened and is documented. I have to remind myself that it may be too much to think that the grandmother can see her deceased daughter through anything but rose colored glasses.

I don’t have a question per se - I’m just trying to assure myself that I can do the right thing for my stepdaughter without getting sucked into the crazy that is her mother’s side of the family.

[Mcmmom]

I told a friend of mine tonight that when you marry a man with kids, you marry him, his kids, his family, his ex and his ex’s family!

I need to vent about this latest chapter in our saga and my friends can only hear so much about this crazy. I’m scheduling time with MY therapist, but I need to vent in the meantime.

To recap, we suspect my husband’s ex had BPD, though she was not diagnosed. They divorced a few years ago and had joint custody of their one child. A couple of years ago, my husband’s ex went off the deep end,, did some terrible things that landed her in jail and then died by suicide.

I have recently started communicating with my husband’s former mother in law to coordinate visitation with my stepdaughter (because I am the master schedule keeper for the household) and while I want to support the relationship between my stepdaughter and her maternal grandparents (because I believe it’s the best thing for my stepdaughter to have a relationship with her maternal side of the family), I am a little leery of getting sucked into the crazy.

Right before his ex’s suicide, my husband had his stepdaughter evaluated by a psychologist who specialized in children who had experienced trauma. She met with my stepdaughter and said that she was not attached to her mother and that my stepdaughter was trying really hard to put on a brave face that everything was “fine” and happy, though there were issues that had gone back years. I knew something was wrong as soon as I met my stepdaughter, as she was hyper attached to me the second I met her (about 6 months before her mother died). A child with a healthy attachment to her own mother wouldn’t be so desperate for a mother figure.

Anyway, I knew something was wrong and then when her mother lost her mind and then died, it confirmed it.

Since then, my stepdaughter has received counseling and my husband and I saw a therapist who had seen his ex and suggested the BPD diagnosis. The explanation that was given to me was that my husband’s ex just wouldn’t engage in any negative feelings and wouldn’t validate her daughter’s negative  feelings when she had them. My experience with my stepdaughter has shown this to be the case. It’s clear that NO ONE in that family talked about their feelings because my husband and his daughter are learning how to do this for the first time.

Anyway - back to the grandmother. She’s been texting me about her daughter - how my stepdaughter was her whole world, the values she raised her to have, how she did talk with my stepdaughter about negative feelings, etc. The last part might seem minor, but it’s important to me because it’s so far from reality. I once asked my stepdaughter if she and her mother ever talked about her feelings and she said, “no, never” and the specific observations from THREE therapists were that negativity was not tolerated between my stepdaughter and her mother.

I understand that the grandmother is never going to be able to accept that her daughter (my stepdaughter’s mother) was mentally ill, but it makes me feel a little weird that her experience of this woman was SO DIFFERENT than what I’m seeing played out with my stepdaughter. It feels like a form of gaslighting. I don’t think the grandmother has ever acknowledged the actions that landed her daughter in jail. This isn’t a “he said, she said” - her daughter did some bad things, got arrested, then died by her own hand. This isn’t subjective - it happened and is documented. I have to remind myself that it may be too much to think that the grandmother can see her deceased daughter through anything but rose colored glasses.

I don’t have a question per se - I’m just trying to assure myself that I can do the right thing for my stepdaughter without getting sucked into the crazy that is her mother’s side of the family.

[worriedStepmom]

It's okay to set boundaries with the extended family.  It's okay to tell the grandmother that she is not to talk about mom with you.  If grandmother tells your SD things that upset SD, then it's okay to set a boundary that grandmother can't talk about X with SD.

We had to do that with SD's maternal grandmother last week.  She was nicely but firmly told that she had to stop texting SD12 multiple times a day asking if there were any messages grandmother could pass to mom (who was in inpatient psych ward).  If she didn't stop, we would block her.  Grandmother complained ("I'm entitled to talk to my granddaughter") but she has complied so far.

[livednlearned]

You have good instincts, Mcmmom. 

I don’t have a question per se - I’m just trying to assure myself that I can do the right thing for my stepdaughter without getting sucked into the crazy that is her mother’s side of the family.

Does your stepdaughter ask to spend time with her grandma?

I wonder if you could tag along during an outing and get a better idea how they interact.

I would think a child who has been so severely invalidated will probably be much more susceptible to trauma when it happens in such a similar way it did with her mom (through grandma, doing more of the same).

Does SD's T have a sense this is happening?

Maybe this is a relationship that is carefully monitored.

[Mcmmom]

Does SD's T have a sense this is happening?

Maybe this is a relationship that is carefully monitored.

Yes, I have cleared all of this with my SD’s therapist. Her opinion is that the worst thing the grandmother can do is spin some stories that put a positive (and inaccurate) light on my SD’s unhealthy deceased mother, but we should be able to deal with that as long as my SD is openly communicating with me.

I requested that the grandmother and I meet for coffee. She is open to it, but I know she is intimidated and nervous to meet me face to face. I’m truly NOT scary :-), but I am protective of my family (including my SD, of course). My SD was treated like a prop by her own mother and I am not going to let that happen to her again.

[MeandThee29]

I requested that the grandmother and I meet for coffee. She is open to it, but I know she is intimidated and nervous to meet me face to face.  I’m truly NOT scary :-)

I had an experience like that with some of his relatives. For some reason they were afraid of having a meal with me and thought it would go bad. At that point I didn't quite grasp how much I had been painted as mentally unstable, so I think that was some of it. I was prepared and went with a friend that they knew. They seemed to grasp it all somewhat then and said they'd stay in touch.

In discussions afterwards with my friend, I decided to let them make any moves from there. I pretty much knew that what we discussed would end up with him and be reworked in his favor. Apparently it was, because there hasn't been any communication at all for some time from any of his relatives. I know that he's further vilified me. Blood is thicker than water, and I never held much hope that they'd take my side in anything. He needs all the support he can get, so I accept that.

You have a child involved, so it's even harder.