I need help with a high functioning BPD partner

[Jakey]

Hi guys this is my first post so I’m not sure how it works but I’ll just write my mind.

I have been in a year and a half relationship with my partner the first 7 months were plain sailing and we were madly into each other, eventually things started creeping in and one thing led to the next where my partner ended up criticising me in front of all my friends and she then kissed another guy while she was in the relationship, she really lets out her frustration onme a lot and she constantly accuses me of doing wrong things, I have given her everything, I have given my heart I have given my time I have given my money as in taking her on really nice holidays and she always needed reassurance of my love for her, she constantly was worried about me leaving her and she was always as she would use the word “protecting herself” and I couldn’t understand how after a year in a relationship why she still had her guard up after me literally being the best boyfriend anyone could wish for, and I am not trying to be ahead of myself but I really was brought up in a home that is harmonious and my parents have a model relationship where I have only seen one argument between them and that was in a very respectful manner, on the contrast my girlfriend comes from a home that her parents fight like cat and dog.

Unfortunately during all this time I didn’t realise until recently she has been speaking behind my back to all my friends my parents my cousins about me and portraying me in this bad light causing all these people to judge me and make me out to be this bad person even after my girlfriend sleeping with one of my best friends a day after we broke up, (we are now back together) that has caused me extreme betrayal trauma and that piles on top of me being betrayed in a previous relationship where the girl was messaging another guy while she was with me and I got betrayed by my childhood friend when I got bullied in school, but either way it has been a very tough time for me and I have not understood all this behaviour until recently where we have gone to a psychiatrist and she has been diagnosed as a high functioning BPD, in some way it has taken a weight off my shoulder knowing that all this bad behaviour has been due to an illness rather than her maliciously doing something against me but there still is a lot of pain in me and I am still struggling with dealing with her on a day to day basis, for instance I still feel down sometimes and it can be attributed to her the sex she has had with my friend when we were broken up, it kills me and rips my heart apart knowing that she did that after all that I have done for her and she sees me down and asks me why I feel horrible and I tell her and then she plays victim and she wants me to hug her, and I really can’t bring myself to hug her when I feel horrible about that act but then she gets upset that I don’t want to hug her and she thinks it’s because I don’t love her and I don’t want her, although the only reason however crazy it may sound, I am still with only because I love her, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be with her anymore, I don’t know what to do in these sorts of situations, any help would be of great help, and any tips in general I would love to hear, peace ✌

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

Welcome 

We're glad you found yourself to us, as we have members here who are, or have been, in relationships dealing with issues similar to yours. We can offer help and support as you navigate your relationship.

A couple questions will help focus is a bit better...

Is your partner diagnosed with BPD or another condition?

Is your partner in therapy, or has she been in therapy in the past?

Do you see a therapist for yourself as you experience relationship problems?

What is causing you the most stress and discomfort right now?

This site has a number of helpful tools and articles. You can begin reading and exploring the site, and members can help guide you in what will help you most right now.

[Jakey]

She is diagnosed with BPD and is currently in therapy, I am also currently in therapy, but the hardest thing I find is not getting sympathy for the pain she has caused me

[GaGrl]

Had your partner ever apologized to you for acknowledged the pain she has caused? With many pwBPD, those actions ever very difficult and rarely happen. With therapy, she may find the ability to do this.

I am worried n this board because I am married to a man who was previously married for MANY years to a woman with undiagnosed BPD and NPD. The family continues to deal with her havoc. She engaged in affairs, constantly and blatantly , raged, was violent (never with DH), navigated every relationship with Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG). In 33 years of marriage, the last 14 years living apart, she never apologized, never acknowledged the hurt she had imposed on him, except for one time when she asked, "Can you ever forgive me?" with no apology or acknowledgement attached.

 You may need to work through your need for your hurt to be acknowledged without her participation. Have you discussed how you can do this, with your therapist, if your partner simply is not capable yet, or even forever?

F

[Jakey]

She is apologetic only now since she has been diagnosed with the disorder and this was after me initially going to a physiatrist to help me to deal with her sleeping with my best friend after one day of being broken up, she said she will pay for the physiatrist because she felt guilty, I went and explained my whole life to him and then care on to my last 1.5 years that have been this toxic relationship and he told me that I should read the book ‘stop walking on eggshells’ which then made sense of everything that was going on because I have become a broken man, I am a shadow of myself, I have lost motivation, I have trouble sleeping, I have started to forget small things, I constantly get depressed and anxious, I have felt suicidal, and this I all due to being taken on the same rollercoaster as my partner, I have never experienced these sensations in my life before and I have been in a couple of relationships, this has killed from inside out and it is soul destroying, she is now working on her way to recovery and we have been advised to go to couple therapy too, but I am concerned that she will dismiss my feelings as she always does and then feels guilty and beats herself up when I talk about things she has done to me and it really disturbs me, I don’t know how to go about dealing with all her accusations every day and her intensity, it’s really really difficult, the only problem that keeps me is that I love her a lot