Confronting financial mess in wake of break-up

[onthewater79]

Hi everyone,

I am bracing myself to clear up the financial wreckage in the wake of a breakup. First off, it is all very fresh, still highly volatile, and I am coming to terms with my FOG et al, primarily through the resources on this great site.

My ex BPD partner has used all the hallmark obfuscating/distortion tactics while taking complete control of finances and raging (hitting things, screaming, etc) if I confront him, however subtle and straightforward I may try to be. Through his misspending and my passivity/non-action/fear I am surely bankrupt. I am bracing for a distortion campaign that this is all my doing. I have gainful employment thankfully, while he does not.

How does one take a first step here? Or does one just do it? Are there financial experts/attorneys accustomed to this situation that may be consulted? I am still very alone and afraid, or that is how I feel today.

[worriedStepmom]

I'm sorry you are feeling so alone and afraid.  Breakups are hard, and it's so scary to be facing tasks that you've never had to do before.

My exhusband took care of all the finances, too, and I had no idea how to do anything with it at first.  Were you married, and, if so do you live in a community property state?  (I was both married and in a community property state, so keep that in mind reading my advice, if your situation is very different.)

Here are some of the steps I took -

a) I got my own bank account and made sure that I changed the direct deposit on my paycheck to go there instead of our joint account.
b) I made sure he was off all of my credit cards, and I took myself off all of his.  I also opened a new credit card in my name only so that if I needed to close the others for some reason, I still had one.
c) I started gathering all the financial information I could find.  Credit card statements, bank account statements, any investment accounts, retirement accounts, mortgage statements
      You should get a copy of the bank account statement from the bank - this can tell you if money was transferred out of the account to other accounts, so you can start tracking those down
d) I got a copy of my credit report (you can get this for free) to see if there were any other debt that I didn't know about
e) I made a budget for myself.  How much was I spending each month?  There are worksheets online that help you see which categories you need to make sure that you are accounting for.

It took me a few weeks to go through all of this, but at the end I had a fairly good idea of how much money I owed, how much money I had, and how much money I was spending each month.

If you're like me, my first response to seeing this all in one place was "ACK!"

So then I looked at my budget to see what I could slash.  I insisted that we sell the marital home rather than me continue to live in it because I needed a smaller monthly mortgage payment. 

We did have some investments, so I read a lot about them online.  There are some good websites (like Investopedia) and a lot of good personal finance forums where people are happy to explain things. 

There are also financial planners who can help look at your situation and tell you what you might need to do.  Look for one that is a fiduciary.  This means their job is to do what's best for you (a lot of them work on commission and do what's best for their own paycheck). 

You can do this.  Just take one baby step at a time.

[worriedStepmom]

There are also other advisors called credit counselors that can help you clean up your financial situation. 

You can find more information at https://www.nfcc.org/

I promise, you can do this!

[livednlearned]

Posting here is an excellent first step 

Courts aren't going to care whose fault it is, most likely. If there are no kids, then it's more like a business contract coming to an end.

Has he taken complete control of your accounts?

Do you feel physically safe?

[MeandThee29]

My lawyer gave me a thick file folder of handouts and addresses of local resources when I hired him. He does a certain amount of collaborative divorce with a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) as one of the professionals involved, so there was her information and some of her handouts in there too.

[onthewater79]

Thank you to all for your wonderful advice here. It is such a gift. I am going through all comments slowly and will be back with a full response. 

[ForeverDad]

a) I got my own bank account and made sure that I changed the direct deposit on my paycheck to go there instead of our joint account.
b) I made sure he was off all of my credit cards, and I took myself off all of his.  I also opened a new credit card in my name only so that if I needed to close the others for some reason (such as being joint accounts), I still had one.
c) I started gathering all the financial information I could find.

I recall when I moved my paycheck to another bank.  Oh, did she rage and demand I change it back.  Fortunately, I didn't.  She had refused to sign a standard disclosure acknowledgement form from my 401(k) so at the last minute I couldn't get a loan there for my car purchase.  The bank required me to deposit my paycheck with them in order to rush and get my loan.  I made sure the car and new bank accounts were in my name only.

So understand that there could be some demands (ultimatums or "extinction bursts") that you return to prior acquiescent patterns.  You can focus on gathering information first so you then can determine which things need changing and how, but at some point you'll face the need to take action.  Then batten down the hatches.