30 year saga part 2 (DV Trial and RO for Wife)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I posted on the Conflicted board about 2 years ago about my 30 year marriage to my BPDw.  I did not know what was wrong with her/the marriage until about 2012 when I learned about BPD/NPD.  Then all the raging, lying, and acting out I had experienced suddenly made sense.  After I posted that, I broke my leg in a skiing accident and everything went ok for awhile, I guess because I was infirm and she could take care of me.  After I healed, around mid-2018, the periods of good/bad began to resurface.  Drinking, as well. It's been a bumpy ride since, with continued bouts of good and bad behavior, drinking and sobriety.  In early July of this year, she became upset one morning and began raging about me and my FOO (a common target), how selfish we were, with plenty of foul language and accusations. Later that evening, after I returned from the gym, she hid my phone and tried to gaslight me that I'd lost it.  Then a bit later as I was sitting in a chair, she began raging again, approached me and struck me across the face with the TV remote control.  When I stood up she then hit me in the side several times with the remote.  I went to take a shower and put in place my 'escape plan' (I've left the house many times before during rages and stayed in a hotel). As I was leaving, she approached me with a screwdriver and then after I got into the car, she jabbed it with the screwdriver several times. This was the most violent she had ever gotten, although pushing and slapping had occurred previously. I was always reluctant to go to the police, because she had regularly accused me of beating her up because she had some bruising about 5 years ago from when I was forced to defend myself from her attacks. She has always claimed she has pictures, but I've never seen them.  I felt that without solid evidence I would just end up in a messy situation, with accusations on both sides.  Given that in recent years she has let the mask slip in public and has had prior legal issues (she is still on probation from a vandalism conviction, along with a DUI), I felt safe with my visible bruising and the dents in the car to go tho the police.  They believed my story, and after questioning her she was arrested for DV and assault. Her trial is ongoing.  It was not my intention necessarily for her to be arrested, I just felt I needed to get out in front of this to protect myself from her accusations. I now have a restraining order in place and am living in our home with our son (he is 17 and has had a stormy relationship with her as well and knows about her BPD). He is largely the reason I have stayed, as I couldn't leave him with her. I'm hoping this period of no contact due to the RO will allow me the time to get my thoughts and resolve together. I have been conflicted for a long time, hoping in vain for her to get 'fixed', but but with the introduction of this level of violence I feel it is necessary to move on simply for self protection.  Even with all this, it's still strange, after 30+ years to think about the finality of it, and I haven't filed for divorce yet.  I welcome any insight about how I should expect to feel during this period, what I should look out for in a divorce situation, or any other thoughts. thanks.        

[Latrodge]

I posted on the Conflicted board about 2 years ago about my 30 year marriage to my BPDw.  I did not know what was wrong with her/the marriage until about 2012 when I learned about BPD/NPD.  Then all the raging, lying, and acting out I had experienced suddenly made sense.  After I posted that, I broke my leg in a skiing accident and everything went ok for awhile, I guess because I was infirm and she could take care of me.  After I healed, around mid-2018, the periods of good/bad began to resurface.  Drinking, as well. It's been a bumpy ride since, with continued bouts of good and bad behavior, drinking and sobriety.  In early July of this year, she became upset one morning and began raging about me and my FOO (a common target), how selfish we were, with plenty of foul language and accusations. Later that evening, after I returned from the gym, she hid my phone and tried to gaslight me that I'd lost it.  Then a bit later as I was sitting in a chair, she began raging again, approached me and struck me across the face with the TV remote control.  When I stood up she then hit me in the side several times with the remote.  I went to take a shower and put in place my 'escape plan' (I've left the house many times before during rages and stayed in a hotel). As I was leaving, she approached me with a screwdriver and then after I got into the car, she jabbed it with the screwdriver several times. This was the most violent she had ever gotten, although pushing and slapping had occurred previously. I was always reluctant to go to the police, because she had regularly accused me of beating her up because she had some bruising about 5 years ago from when I was forced to defend myself from her attacks. She has always claimed she has pictures, but I've never seen them.  I felt that without solid evidence I would just end up in a messy situation, with accusations on both sides.  Given that in recent years she has let the mask slip in public and has had prior legal issues (she is still on probation from a vandalism conviction, along with a DUI), I felt safe with my visible bruising and the dents in the car to go tho the police.  They believed my story, and after questioning her she was arrested for DV and assault. Her trial is ongoing.  It was not my intention necessarily for her to be arrested, I just felt I needed to get out in front of this to protect myself from her accusations. I now have a restraining order in place and am living in our home with our son (he is 17 and has had a stormy relationship with her as well and knows about her BPD). He is largely the reason I have stayed, as I couldn't leave him with her. I'm hoping this period of no contact due to the RO will allow me the time to get my thoughts and resolve together. I have been conflicted for a long time, hoping in vain for her to get 'fixed', but but with the introduction of this level of violence I feel it is necessary to move on simply for self protection.  Even with all this, it's still strange, after 30+ years to think about the finality of it, and I haven't filed for divorce yet.  I welcome any insight about how I should expect to feel during this period, what I should look out for in a divorce situation, or any other thoughts. thanks.        

[formflier]

Your feelings will be all over the place.  Don't try to control them.  Double and triple your self care routine.

Best,

FF

[MeandThee29]

Long-term marriage here too, although he's filing.

Some days will be better than others, but expect some tough times as you grieve. I have a "big sob" about once a week.

One key for me has been getting a lawyer who is responsive and encouraging with me, but a fighter with his lawyer. Not that they are a substitute for therapy, but you need someone who will be upbeat and tell you how they are going to help you on the legal end. Their personality makes all the difference. Someone characterized mine as a "grandpa with an iron rod," and that's been exactly my experience.

[Waddams]

You'll never be in a stronger position regarding a divorce. You've already got the home and the kid, and she's not allowed to be there. As you've experienced, this doesn't get better. It only escalates and gets worse. If you let her back in after her trial and outcome is all done, she'll only learn she can get away with more and more, and her next attack will be with knives or worse.

Do yourself a favor and file while you've got the upper hand already. Don't let it go to waste.

[mart555]

Definitely read this book
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

It will help to clear the fog a bit..  but I guarantee you it will be hard...you'll feel really guilty but keep your chin up, it will pass.   It will also be hard for your son.  Make sure you talk to him and be open.  You guys will likely realize how calm things are and how messed up things were in the past, without you noticing it..  It will be enlightening.

[livednlearned]

She may still try to lob false allegations. You have leverage and she will fight to neutralize it, most likely.

Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? That's probably a good place to start. He doesn't say it in the book, exactly, but elsewhere he describes three types of high-conflict people. Your wife would be the *not cooperative, dangerous* category because of the violence and substance abuse.

If she doesn't fight with false allegations, she may go with stonewalling and obstruction.

These are two good articles to read written by lawyers and BPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270440.msg12566140#msg12566140

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271911.msg12580077#msg12580077

[ForeverDad]

You'll never be in a stronger position regarding a divorce. You've already got the home and the kid, and she's not allowed to be there. As you've experienced, this doesn't get better. It only escalates and gets worse. If you let her back in after her trial and outcome is all done, she'll only learn she can get away with more and more, and her next attack will be with knives or worse.

Do yourself a favor and file while you've got the upper hand already. Don't let it go to waste.

I can't emphasize the above enough.  Don't try to be super fair or super nice.  Court and other professionals won't care how nice you are or aren't, and any such attempts could end up as sabotaging yourself.

A truism here... The spouse behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the spouse behaving well seldom gets credit.

My story... I had a protection order after calling the police and it eventually had become a court case (Threat of DV) against my spouse.  I was granted temporary possession of the residence while the case was pending.  She never displayed remorse or a wish to fix the marriage so about a week before the trial I filed for divorce.  I've never regretted that decision.  I saw it as "no other choice".

[MeandThee29]

Don't try to be super fair or super nice.  Court and other professionals won't care how nice you are or aren't, and any such attempts could end up as sabotaging yourself.

A truism here... The spouse behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the spouse behaving well seldom gets credit.

My lawyer has said multiple times that I'm too nice and that the law protects nice people too. He specializes in high conflict divorce and has been a good match for my husband's lawyer who is an agressive, high profile one. A friend observed that sometimes people pick a divorce lawyer that is a lot like them. So don't pick someone who is going to be nice because your spouse may pick someone aggressive, and you will give up too much.

At the beginning I struggled with how to view all of this, but the key is to back off and view it as a business/legal transaction and deal with your emotions away from that.