Crisis with DS38 - wife is ending marriage

[Normlee]

  My DS38's wife just asked him to move out. She's paying for him to have a place to stay for a couple months. She rented an Air B&B for 5 weeks to start with. I  Just got back from driving him out there. It is way out in the country very rural. He has a terrible time staying alone, he started to panic at the place and said I can't be alone out here, this is bad for me, I'll kill myself, I want to go to the hospital. He's pretty calm right now but a night or two out there will send him over the top. He asked his wife if she could get a refund, that he'd stay at a hotel in town. He said, If I have no place to go I'm staying at your place I don't care what your husband says. My son lived with us 14 months the last time they separated and my husband says no more.
I told my DS38 I'll keep my phone with me and come back to see him tonight if he needs. Divorce is scary, it hurts and this is compounded by BPD. I want to support him to be independent, I don't want to be engulfed. My heart breaks for him and his family. I need all the skills and wisdom I don't yet have to get through this.
Normlee

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Oh Normlee
I am so sorry. That is a sad situation. Your son must be devastated. I can see why living in an isolated area might not be good. I hope he can find a more suitable place to stay. How can we support you at this time?

[wendydarling]

Normlee 

I'm sorry, it is heart breaking. I can understand you not wanting to get engulfed, rather emotionally support DS to independence by placing responsibility where it belongs.

Does DS reach out to crisis helplines when he's distressed, talking with someone trained who understands can really help and they can direct him to  local resources. He may feel less alone.

WDx

[Normlee]

No he doesn't call crisis hotlines. I've given him thos numbers before and he won't keep them.  Is seen therapist once a week.. So the air BNB was too far out I understand. The other option is an extended stay hotel but hes coming up with an excuse why that wont-work for him trying to just get started in a realestate business and live out of a suitcase. Hes pushing to let her stay longer at the house until he gets an apartment and hes pushing me to talk to my husband about letting him move back in. I feel sick to my stomach to say no.  If it was just me I would do it. I'm going to talk to my husband and see how he feels. A part of me feels like my son just doesn't wanna be on his own and the excuse of the living out of a suitcase is an excuse. I can't blame him he gets terrified being alone.  I need prayers, wisdom, strength. I feel like a no from me as pushing my son over an edge that he hasn't been over in a long time. And I don't think my husband is being cruel. He can only take so much of this. My husband is not his dad and we got together when the son was 21.  My husband hopes he gets his life together.. This is Heartbreaking

[Normlee]

My husband and I spoke. We may let him stay with us temporarily. Not open ended like before. Any advise?  Thank you
Normlee

[GaGrl]

This is so difficult -- I'm so sorry that your family is going through this.

It is compassionate for your husband to be open to a temporary living situation.

My advice would be to have a conversation with your husband about your boundaries -- what did not work last time, and what boundaries will you hold this time? What does that look like?

Then, make sure you have a sit-down, crystal clear conversation with your son to ensure he understands and agrees to the terms of the temporary arrangement.

You also need input from your son on how he thinks you can best handle any situation that arises that causes him distress -- what does he need from you in those situations? What can you go along with? What is your limit (for example, if he so distressed as to need hospitilization?

[Normlee]

Thank you Ga Girl - I appreciate all your advise.

[Normlee]

Boundaries and limits - I need to start learning how to apply them so my DS38 hears. I slept with my cell on vibrate all night (this is embarrassing to share) - he feels safe knowing someone is available in the night in case he goes into a panic. I didn't sleep - I'm checking my phone all the time. I don't want him to use the landline which would disturb my husband. I feel mean to say don't call me when you're in a panic but this arrangement isn't healthy. 
We offered him our spare room. Not right for his needs. He wants the basement room (my husband's respite)  with the tv so he can grieve and zone out separate from our living area. I get it and sympathise. My husband his stepdad does not. In fact he is furious how selfish my son always is. It's true. DS38 is always the victim and needy and manipulates to get his needs met. I enable because I sympathize with his fear and pain.
I'm here to have healthier interactions. Shoot, I don't know where to begin with him being so crushed with this separation.

[FaithHopeLove]

Have you and your husband considered couples therapy to work out the different ways you relate to your son?

[livednlearned]

Most BPD sufferers don't hear boundaries ... they have to feel them. Especially during times of intense emotional turmoil. Anything to stop the pain will be all he hears.

So boundaries have to be things you have control over.

When you say temporary, how long do you mean? And under what terms?

[Normlee]

Thank you Faith and LivedandLearned, I appreciate your input and responses. My husband doesn't feel the need for therapy or even understands the benefits of it. I've gone myself. I like the point about a person with bpd may need to feel boundaries (things I have contro over)rather than my expectating mine will be heard when stated.
Normlee

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Normlee]

Temporary and first meant several weeks as my son is applying for an apartment. Which he has filled out and submitted a few.
BUT - there's been a big shift. My DS38 spoke with my husband and thanked him for the place to stay and that he didn't want to be a burden. It was heartfelt. Also was directly to my husband and not through me.
My husband's reaction to this was compassion and he told my son not to rush into renting but stay and use this time with us to save a cushion before the move.  I was surprised at the change of heart. I spoke later to my husband that we need to talk about a time frame. Or even a temporary one to revisit after a time. He said not now, DS38 is too raw.  Kind of makes me nervous but we'll take this a step at a time. My son has been doing work with a psychologist and is regulating his anger and frustration where he never had been able to before. Baby steps for everyone.  I've been practicing validation a lot and SET some. I appreciate the support, understanding and wisdom from experience I find here. Normlee

[FaithHopeLove]

I am so happy to learn that your son and husband are connecting in a good way and I pray this arrangement, though temporary, will prove healing for all concerned.

[Normlee]

Thank you Faith- There have been many prayers from a lot of people for our family. I know this is the beginning of practicing good communication skills, boundaries... And there will most likely be hard bumps in the road, but for this to happen is the miracle of answered prayer.

[Normlee]

Tonight my son took a downward turn in thought. Talking about not wanting to do this (divorce). That he can't do it. That he chooses not to go through this. I validate his pain, tell him I'm worried about him, that I love him and so many people do and will be here for him through this hard time. That even though it's more than he can bear now and doesnt believe its possible he can get through this. I'm hear to support him. He says you are not hearing me. I do not want to accept this reality. I want my wife. She will know how important this is when I'm gone...
I reminded him how he got over it before (2 yrs ago when she served him papers and did make moves toward suicide) He actually moved on and wasn't sure he wanted to go back. At that he said I know I can get over it and be happy again and I gave that up to go back and try to make my marriage work. I still don't want to. I want and need my wife.
2 yrs ago he was inconsolable- wouldn't eat and couldn't sleep for about a week. Wasn't coherent. Tonight- he has his son over for a sleepover, they came up for dinner and he ate with us, joked and had a great conversation with my husband... He's running to the store now to pick us up treats. But his words say - I chose not to live if I can't be with my family. He has a therapist appointment tomorrow I asked him to promise not to do anything and talj to her. He agreed. He even is going to work in the morning. I want to scream at him to stop it. I won't  though. I am clueless. I am heartsick.  Any thoughts?
Gratefully ~ Normlee

[FaithHopeLove]

I think you handled that difficult conversation very well. You validated his feelings, encouraged him, and helped him to commit to not harming himself at least for the moment. Divorce is hard on anyone but for someone who fears abandonment it can be devastating. It is good he has your support and it seems that of your husband as well. Please do keep us posted.

[Normlee]

Thanks Faith, He's in a better place today. Promises to not hurt himself. It'll be a roller coaster ride.

[FaithHopeLove]

Yes it will be a roller coaster ride but you seem able to center yourself.