The end of love

[AskingWhy]

I am no longer in love with my uBPD H.  For years, he put his adult children ahead of me in the R/S, threw tantrums where he broke objects, overturned furniture and punched holes in walls, and threatened me with divorce on a regular basis.

We were watching a drama on TV, and the two protagonists were lovers.  I watched the movie and thought, "Wow, that must be how real love works."  I was sad I could not have a open, honest and loving R/S with my H.

Now when my H dysregulates, I laugh at him.  Each point of emotional blackmail (not driving me to the doctor, he will divorce me, says he hates me, cancels a dinner date, you get the picture) no longer has be in crying jags like it once did.

I laugh.  Whatever he does, I really don't care.  When he stormed out of the house about a week ago, I let him go.  He was saying he was leaving, and then I agreed he should get out.   Then I went back to my chores.  He was back in the house in 20 minutes.

I am sick of the games, the threats and sick tactics and being used as a punching bag for the ill treatment of his uNPD F and uNPD XW, and his abusive children, all the NPD and BPD (and possibly HPD) spectrum.

My confidence has increased in the past few years, and I no longer cower from his rage.  I see him now as just an angry toddler having a tantrum.

I have fallen out of love with him.  How can any self respecting woman love a man who has treated her this way? 

And I am angry.  Lundy Bancroft discusses how awakening to abuse leads to anger, and this is helpful toward recovery from the abuse.  I find myself getting angry and the little stupid things H does around the house, little things a child would do devoid of common sense.  It irks me. 

I am a lot happier with myself because I am no longer governed by thinking what H's reactions would be in response to what I did.

[Notwendy]

What's your next step AW?

The reason I ask is that, even if you don't have warm feelings for your H, being in a state of contempt is going to lead to continued conflict between you. It isn't a peaceful way to live with anyone- husband, room mate, etc.

Did you ever see the movie "War of the Roses"? It's a satire about two people who want to divorce each other sharing a house. It doesn't end well after increasing conflict.

My question isn't about your H - it's about you. If you are going to leave- and you have no children together then the two of you don't have to be in contact with each other much past making the split. But if you don't plan to leave and will be staying under one roof together, then what?

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi AW-

I understand how years of emotional abuse creates C-PTSD.  I had it, too. ...from my 19-year marriage to my ex-H.  He was NPD with sprinklings of BPD thrown in for good measure.  I related before that I had three stepkids and exH was married twice before me.  I am a recovering coD and my uBPDbf is a kind and good man.  My exH was not a good man.  I know that now.

My marriage ended the night my exH threw me across the room and into a door.  I landed on the floor in the hallway.  He outweighed me by about 80 lbs.  This was the first and only time he had ever lifted a finger toward me.  And he had NEVER shown any violent behavior whatsoever.  He was a pacifist.  Before that night.

The week before had been trying.  There wasn’t real fighting per se, but it had been strange.  Two nights prior, he said “if you don’t get out soon, I’m going to start bringing women in here.”  I cried and said he could not bring other women into my marriage home.  But there was no yelling.  We didn’t do that.  And we had not really discussed separating.

So right before he threw me, the room was very quiet and  I said  “please listen, if we have to part, we don’t have to part as enemies”. And he rose up and threw me.

I was shocked, terrified and ran to the phone to call 911.  He yelled at me and I hung up the phone, but the call went through anyway.   Blah blah blah, he was arrested.

Bottom line is, he tortured me before the assault and he tortured me after.  I was still codependent.  I dropped the charges but my marriage was over.  He did NOT change or become humble because of his violent behavior.  Don’t fool yourself.

Being assaulted by your H does NOT gain you any more in a divorce settlement, at least where I lived.

AW-  I see you kindly reach out to many new members here offering a hand and resources to help them.. isn’t it time to help yourself?  This is not a rhetorical question.

I am genuinely afraid for you.  I am afraid that when you state you laugh at your BPDh, he will rightly see that as TAUNTING him.  He could snap, and this could be dangerous for you.  If he were to truly snap and he were to physically attack you, your face may not look like it does today.  Think about it.

He may end up in jail, but still... in a divorce the rules are the rules.  You’ll get what you’ll get.

He has a complex mental illness and he does NOT understand his feelings of loss, insecurity and “less than” around his kids.  You do, but he doesn’t. 

If you truly have come to a place of happiness within yourself, then step outside for a moment and consider... what DO you want?

You have read the books you recommend to others.  You understand that nothing changes until something changes.  You’ve got to be the catalyst, while you can safely do something.

Sure, starting over is scary... but it’s also amazing to be free to breathe without someone counting your breaths.

I am not trying to be confrontational, AW.  I truly care about your wellbeing. 

What is stopping you?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Notwendy]

AW, I think Gemsforeyes said it better, what I was alluding to when I mentioned the movie War of the Roses.

 am afraid that when you state you laugh at your BPDh, he will rightly see that as TAUNTING him.  He could snap, and this could be dangerous for you.


The movie is dark satire, because of the degree of absurdity of how each spouse (neither of which would leave the house)  acted out their hostility, but it ended up destroying them both.

When your H gets angry, and you laugh, it escalates the situation. The contempt and resentment you have for your H is evident in your posts, and he probably can tell how you feel from your responses to him. Whether or not he deserves this, it can lead to more resentment on his part, and escalate the hostility between the two of you. If he's emotionally volatile, I don't know how safe this is for you.

[GaGrl]

When My ex and I were in couples counseling, one of the points he made that stuck with me is that, once one partner has contempt for the other, his experience was that the marriage was dead and there was nothing that he as a counselor could do to save it.

[Cat Familiar]

When My ex and I were in couples counseling, one of the points he made that stuck with me is that, once one partner has contempt for the other, his experience was that the marriage was dead and there was nothing that he as a counselor could do to save it.

AW, you’ve read Gottman’s books about relationships—I think. That’s the origin of what GaGrl’s therapist quoted.

I personally have returned from the land of contempt and it’s made my life a lot better.

Like you, I was terribly bitter toward my husband. Instead of stepchildren, I was angry about his drinking. I had made it clear at the beginning of the relationship that this was a red line for me. Social drinking was OK, but I didn’t want to be married to an alcoholic.

I guess there was some quibbling in his mind about the definition of an alcoholic.

There were times that he combined an excessive amount of alcohol with pharmaceuticals and I had to use my rusty EMT skills to determine whether or not it was life threatening. Later I regretted not calling 911 because he was in denial at how serious it was.

When this happened again and again, I became furious, and then the BPD signs started showing up, even when he wasn’t drinking.

Like you, I was stuck in a cycle of being angry and frustrated. And like you, I felt I had a legitimate reason to feel that way. But thinking and feeling that way certainly didn’t make my life pleasant or happy.

What finally changed was me giving up my desire to change him. I had to let him be who he was. If he was going to drink himself to death, that was his choice. The next time I found him unresponsive, I would call 911.

Then something unexpected happened. There was no next time. And lately he drinks a fraction of what he formerly did.

The conflict about his drinking destroyed our romantic relationship. However we still managed to love each other as friends, even during the worst of times. Now we’ve been slowly rebuilding our relationship and relearning how to appreciate each other. And the BPD signs and symptoms are a mere fraction of what they previously were.

Your husband’s relationship with his kids really gets under your skin, and for good reasons. However it is completely out of your control. If you were to entirely let that go, as difficult as that sounds, your life would be so much happier. Things might not change on the outside, but you’d feel so unencumbured and likely your depression would largely lift.

  Cat

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AW, I have been in your shoes, my friend.  When I attended Al-anon meetings (my BPDxW was also an alcoholic), I learned that often love dies in a r/s with an alcoholic.  Same could be said for a r/s with a pwBPD.  You can love someone yet still find it impossible to live with him/her, which is what happened to me.  I practiced disengagement w/my pwBPD, to the point that I refused to share my feelings for fear that they would be used against me.  At that point, it wasn't much of a marriage and the handwriting was on the wall.  As you describe, it was the end of love.

LuckyJim