Emotional Invalidation as a possible cause of BPD

[cbusmom]

I have been reading on the web and stumbled across a page VeryWellMind.com. I found an article on there "Emotional Invalidation During Childhood May Cause BPD" that has some very interesting info in it. 

I didnt specify before that we are a blended family and my H is stepdad to my older sons. Only our youngest S16 is his.

After reading it and mulling it over I mentioned to my H that I think we might have played a part in causing this in usBPD27 and dsBPD22. I read him some of the info. In the article it mentions a predisposition for strong emotions... Ding Ding Ding. And guess where they get it from? Me! So in the converstion with H I start getting emotional and tearing up and he IMMEDIATELY tries to shut me down with phrases such as 'dont go getting all upset' or 'there's no need to act like that' or 'I had a stepdad that made me man up and I didnt grow up to scream and yell at people'. My first response was to feel shame for my over emotional actions. Before I would have agreed with him and tried to pull myself together or went somewhere and had a little private cry. Not today though! Because of the article I was able to tell him calmly that I my emotions are not something that I should be ashamed of and that THESE statements are EXACTLY what the article is talking about.

When my 2 BPD sons were younger there was a lot of sibling arguments. I had my own fears that my H (who I had figured out by that time didnt handle loud emotional discussions well) would decide this isnt what he signed up for when he married a woman with kids and leave. Nothing H ever said or did made me think that... this was all in my own head. Because of my own fears I started shutting them down with their arguments. 'Thats enough' became my go to admonishment.

Later I read something from that web page to my dsBPD22 and apologized if by allowing and participating in the emotional invalidation was part of what caused this.  He said it sounds possible, he thanked me for my apology and said he accepted it. I love you's were exchanged and I then dropped the topic and did the light as a fairy thing and we talked for about half an hour about hummingbirds and motorcycles.

I consider this a good day.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

 You sure did have a good day. You had a real breakthrough in your understanding of validation as well as your relationship with your husband and son
 I think congratulations are in order
 

[No-One]

Hi cbusmom:
I'm sorry that your son has BPD and that the 2nd one likely has it as well.  I can understand how frustrating it must be and upon reflection, that you feel that you contributed to their condition.

I have been reading on the web and stumbled across a page VeryWellMind.com. I found an article on there "Emotional Invalidation During Childhood May Cause BPD" that has some very interesting info in it. 

After reading it and mulling it over I mentioned to my H that I think we might have played a part in causing this in usBPD27 and dsBPD22. I read him some of the info. In the article it mentions a predisposition for strong emotions... Ding Ding Ding. And guess where they get it from? Me! So in the conversation with H I start getting emotional and tearing up and he IMMEDIATELY tries to shut me down with phrases such as don't go getting all upset' or 'there's no need to act like that' or 'I had a stepdad that made me man up and I didnt grow up to scream and yell at people'. My first response was to feel shame for my over emotional actions. Before I would have agreed with him and tried to pull myself together or went somewhere and had a little private cry. Not today though! Because of the article I was able to tell him calmly that I my emotions are not something that I should be ashamed of and that THESE statements are EXACTLY what the article is talking about.

Don't be too hard on yourself.  Genetics deals the hand (from both you & your son's fathers) & the predisposition is there for various mental health issues.  Some mental health issues will evolve even without an invalidating environment & there can be a need for meds to help manage them.  Sometimes, mental illness can skip a generation & when you go back a generation or two, many mental health problems weren't diagnosed but people would talk about crazy uncle Joe or difficult Aunt Sue.

What tends to exacerbate things is when someone lacks the skills to manage distressful situations and/or their emotions.  Have your sons had any DBT therapy?  DBT skills can be beneficial for anyone.  Perhaps it could be beneficial for you to give it a try for yourself.  If formal therapy isn't possible, there are workbooks you can buy & some online opportunities.  Marsha Linehan is the best author for DBT books.  There are a lot of skills here in the Workshop Section that can help anyone.

We can all benefit from practicing mindfulness skills and learn ways to manage emotions like anger & sadness.  Emotional Intelligence is something that helps us do better in all aspects of life - to handle emotions and to communicate more effectively with others.