Part 3: Update: She signed a lease. She's moving out in 5 day. I'm heartbroken.

[Stillhopeful4]

Mod Note:  Part 2 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339162.0;all

Why does that need to change?

It needs to change because I know it's not healthy.  The thing is I guess I don't know how to be.  My thoughts are running wild at the moment and I'm all over the place.  I thought coming to work would help, but it's only made it worse and I've been sitting in my office with the door closed for 2 hours crying.

  

[Enabler]

It’s not healthy to cry for a 10yr relationship? What if she’d died of cancer, would it be okay then to cry for 2 hours... 2 weeks in your office?

This is big, allow it to be big. If you’re still doing this in a months time more than twice a day then MAYBE you call that a problem. I lost 2 stone in weight, I was vibrating so much that I kept thinking my phone was going off in my back pocket. I didn’t eat and I cried in an open plan office... throw yourself a bone and allow yourself time to chew through it. You’re allowed that. If you don’t it will find a way to come out.

All I suggest you do is think about each stage and learn from it. Write a diary or write on a word doc or something. Anything, everything, loving stuff, hateful stuff, vengeful stuff. Get it all out and work through it. Don’t google stages of grief and try and shimmy through the stages, you’ll only be kidding yourself. It will pass eventually.

Enabler

[Stillhopeful4]

This is big, allow it to be big.
Enabler

Enabler,

Thank you!  Thank you for reassuring me it's ok to be a mess for a little while.  I am usually the one to hold it all together.  I'm trying but it's just coming out.

SH4

[gadget]

Hi SH4,

I agree with Enabler.  I've been through much of that already in the 3 months my wife has been gone.  I still have my moments and break down, though it is less and less.   My wife isn't diagnosed with BPD (yet), but I see SO many of the behaviors. Right now, I know it is BPD doing the talking for her.  Not the wife I knew, loved and now miss dearly.  It is like a Dr Jekyll/Hyde situation.  I have to keep reminding myself that now is about her, not me, not my sadness for missing her.  I know at this moment she can't/won't show any emotions toward me even though we are very cordial when I do see her.

I'm hoping through time, therapy, praying that she will come back to me.  And while I wait and explore who I am and what I want for me, this forum is a great place to hang out and share our stories with all the amazing wonderful people here.  It helps me more than I can ever say.  It is very cathartic to share my story here with people that have been through it and understand exactly what I'm feeling.

I hope you can get some relief here too.  We are always here to listen, and help where we can.

Gadget

[Stillhopeful4]

My wife isn't diagnosed with BPD (yet), but I see SO many of the behaviors. Right now, I know it is BPD doing the talking for her.  Not the wife I knew, loved and now miss dearly.  It is like a Dr Jekyll/Hyde situation.  I have to keep reminding myself that now is about her, not me, not my sadness for missing her.  I know at this moment she can't/won't show any emotions toward me even though we are very cordial when I do see her.

Hi Gadget,

This speaks volumes to me.  My wife is not diagnosed either and yes Jekyll & Hyde is exactly it.  I know mine can't show emotion right now either.

But...she did text me today it was odd she said she had a package sent to my house and to let me know when it arrived.  She has already forwarded her mail so why would she ship it there.  Also, she wants to make arrangements for me to have a visit with our dog at a "neutral" place because she doesn't want to confuse him by bringing him back into the house (he's only been gone two days).  In the past when she's left, the first few times she came to visit/over she would say it would make her sick and really uncomfortable to be there.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Thanks,
SH4

[Enabler]

Morning,

Who really knows what her motivations are with this text. It could well be just as she says, or it could be that you need to replace the dog with your wife in those sentences and she’s projecting her emotions onto the dog.

I guess you have 2 options here, say “sure, let me know your thoughts on where and when”, showing you are keen to stay in touch and meet up. Or, say “I’m very raw at the moment and would like some time to get myself together before I consider whether I want to meet up.” The second option puts a stop to her having her cake and eating it, ie keeping you hooked on whilst she’s off doing her own thing.

Enabler

[blackorchid]

Thanks enabler for showing us all that we are right to have this emotions that we have when they leave. SH4 have you replied to the message?

[gadget]

Hi SH4,

Right now I don’t question many of the odd things my wife does (like your SO package delivery to your house), because in this time, she is in her upside down (Stranger Things) and nothing makes sense.  I just sit back,  be cordial, and see if there is anything I can learn from the encounter that may help me with my future interactions with her.

I understand your SO and my wife being uncomfortable in the old surroundings.  My wife came over last night to watch my son so I could go to therapy.  She said “I’m leaving as soon as you get back”  and I said why leave so fast?  She said “Why stay?”.  So I get it.  It stings a little to hear that but I understand.

Hang in there.

Gadget

[Enabler]

I regularly see that there's a sense of revving themselves up. A bit like a boxer hitting himself before a fight. Feeling = fact so the more fuel they can put on that feeling the more definite the fact. "I should hate you therefore I will rev myself up so I hate you more and more."

[Stillhopeful4]

I did reply and I said sure I would love to see him, just let me know where and when.  She replied with she doesn't want me to use the dog to keep us connected. Ughhhh 10 years we have 4 kids between us, 3 that she's lived with and helped raise for 10 years and she thinks I'm going to use the dog to keep us connected?  That hurt.

I have so many emotions, I know she does too, because it seems like she is all over the place.  But standing firm on we need "this separation".

I just don't know what to do or feel.

I regularly see that there's a sense of revving themselves up. A bit like a boxer hitting himself before a fight. Feeling = fact so the more fuel they can put on that feeling the more definite the fact. "I should hate you therefore I will rev myself up so I hate you more and more."

This is so true.  It's like she's looking for reason to stay mad at me so it can justify her leaving.  I miss her more and more everyday.  I just wish this hurt and sick feeling would stop.

Thank you all for the advise.  I really appreciate everything and that you guys have been here for me through this.

SH4

SH4

[Enabler]

again, replace you for her:

she doesn't want me to use the dog to keep us connected

When you feel able, keep learning. Understanding is the shield to your heart. The more you understand, the more you can look through seemingly insensitive comments and guess as to what she may well be saying. In this instance, YOU know that you weren't using the dog to gain access to her nor did you even mention it or propose the idea... it's all her so it's very likely to be 100% projection.

[Enabler]

I just wish this hurt and sick feeling would stop.

It will eventually. Maybe when you've stopped wanting it to go.

[Stillhopeful4]

again, replace you for her:
she doesn't want me to use the dog to keep us connected

I'm not sure I understand, She doesn't want her to use the dog to keep us connected?

[Stillhopeful4]

It will eventually. Maybe when you've stopped wanting it to go.

I would just like to eat a meal and keep it down.  I can't, it's so hard.

[gadget]

I'm so sorry SH4!

I know all these feelings well.  I was like that in the beginning too.  It will lessen.  I still have my moments.  I had therapy last night.  Everytime I go, I feel a bit better.  Are you going to therapy?  It really does help with coping.

Hang on.  We are here and listening.

Gadget

[Enabler]

I'm not sure I understand, She doesn't want her to use the dog to keep us connected?

She doesn't like herself for using the dog as a way of getting connection with you. Almost like talking to herself maybe... but she talks to you as if it's you whom is doing that, when it's actually her. It's a bit like someone who is angry saying "You're angry".

[Stillhopeful4]

Are you going to therapy? 

Yes, I go twice a month.  It's not helping.  He tells me to just let her go, that's not what I want to hear right now.

[Stillhopeful4]

She doesn't like herself for using the dog as a way of getting connection with you. Almost like talking to herself maybe... but she talks to you as if it's you whom is doing that, when it's actually her. It's a bit like someone who is angry saying "You're angry".

Enabler,

Got it!  She does this often.  She must be torn apart inside.  I just want to hug her and take all the pain away.  I know I can't, but I want to and wish I could.

SH4

[Enabler]

He tells me to just let her go, that's not what I want to hear right now.

Maybe a better way of framing it is that there is nothing you can do to stop her going. All you can do is accept it. I'm not sure it's possible for you to emotionally "let her go" if you're heart doesn't want to... it would be a bit fake to even try and convince yourself of it. But, accepting that she always had/has the choice to leave and it's your problem to deal with that should she choose that is a better way to see it IMHO. Also, the very act of trying to fight against that physical and emotional departure with confirm her feeling of being trapped and encourage her to run further.

I/We don't know what's going through her head but maybe we can see that now she has distance, she wants to pull slightly. Stand still, deal with you, break into a million bits and then glue yourself back together with care and attention.

Enabler

[Stillhopeful4]

I think I know what's going on her head...she's all over the place from moment to moment.  I was shocked she reached out about the dog so soon, but then says she doesn't want me to use him to keep us connected.  I really don't know what to make of that.

I'm in a million pieces, that's for sure...not ready for any glue yet.  She was my glue...

[Enabler]

Think about your last sentence and consider how relying on a disordered person to be your glue is likely to cause you strife. Maybe rebuild you with more reliable glue... your own glue.

I would avoid suggesting mutual dog walks going forward, see if SHE uses that excuse again. If you want to see the dog suggest seeing the dog on your own.

[Stillhopeful4]

Think about your last sentence and consider how relying on a disordered person to be your glue is likely to cause you strife. Maybe rebuild you with more reliable glue... your own glue.

I just don't know how to do this.

It wasn't a mutual dog walk.  I picked him up at her mom's and then she came to pick him up at my house.  She took her wedding ring off...my heart broke into more pieces.

I am just hurting so bad.

SH4

[gadget]

Hi SH4,

I wish I had the right magic words to say to you.  I was in your same shoes 3 months ago when my wife took her ring off and moved out.  It still is hard but lessens over time.  I still want her back.

Right now, both our SO's are not themself.  BPD is doing their thinking for them, not the person we used to know them to be.  Nothing we can say or do will change their mind in this moment.  But in time, it may change.  My wife had initially hit me with some hard words:  "I have no intention of ever coming back".  But at the end of that conversation she said:  "I didn't say never ever".  And even at 3 months gone, our therapist says she (my wife) doesn't know 100% what's wrong in her own mind.  It will take more time.  I know that is hard to hear for you and it is for me too.  I'm here to listen as are we all and give tidbits of info that we have observed or has helped us.

Hang in there.

Gadget

[Stillhopeful4]

Thanks Gadget,

Is your wife aware she has BPD?  This is just so hard because my wife truly believe that 99% of this is my fault.  She thinks I have BPD because that's what an old T told her about 6 years ago.

SH4

[Enabler]

Removal of the wedding ring massively sucks. I remember that day in Jul2017. I still wear mine regardless as a sign of what I stand for.

I understand that you don't know how to glue yourself back together... that's what we're here to help you with. That is also what you individual therapist will help you do if you work with them.

Neither you nor she are to blame for this whole mess... you both are. She NEEDS to believe you are to blame to protect herself from 'being bad/wrong/broken'.

[gadget]

Welcome SH4,

She is not aware she has BPD.  I would never tell her.  I did mention to our shared Therapist in one of my sessions that I read Stop Walking on Eggshells and see much of my wife in that book.  The therapist nodded and we then moved on to talking about my co-dependency issues.  So she knows (without saying it), that I suspect my wife is BPD.

I'm sorry it is hard because your wife blames you.  None of the BPD behavior makes sense. My situation is hard too in a different way.  She says I have done nothing wrong, I'm a great dad, great husband.  I'm a saint, she is not.  It's her not me.  That is hard enough.  Here is the harder part as pointed out by a best friend and the Therapist.  My wife feels bad/guilt/shame that I handle our special needs son SO well, and she doesn't.  So over these 24 years of raising our special needs son, she has kept it in all these years.  Maybe she was sad because we aren't normal parents and we couldn't go out to dinner on vacation on a whim because of our son.  If so, she never said one word.

The therapist said how do you think she feels standing next to you, gold medalist super dad because you do handle your son so well and she can't stand up to that level?

I understand it.  But still do not like it.  Because of that,  "Compassionate Caregiver Overload" she has left.  She was over this morning before work as she usually does on our scheduled days to help with his bath, shaving, teeth brushing.  We still co-parent super well.  Just at this time, zero talk of us.

I'm very sorry for your situation.  But it does fade a bit, and daily life does get better.  Talking here will help you.  Good friends too.  You can also switch therapists.  Mine never tells me to get over my wife and move on.  She tells me this will take time, and I'm doing all the right things for coping, self-care, becoming less codependent.  I share (type out) significant text message exchanges between my wife and I.  She lends her insight to those, and through that I learn how to better interact with my wife and hopefully better our chances of getting back together.

Gadget

[gadget]

Enabler,

I finally, begrudgingly took mine off.  I always told her I wore it as a little hope for myself.  When she finally noticed I took it off and commented, I said "I totally hate it, it's horrible".

Gadget

[Stillhopeful4]

I share (type out) significant text message exchanges between my wife and I.  She lends her insight to those, and through that I learn how to better interact with my wife and hopefully better our chances of getting back together.

I would love to be able to do this.  But she doesn't want any communication with me unless it's about the dog or the kids.  I don't know how to get out of the "black" without communicating with her and telling her how I feel.  But because she doesn't believe how I feel and that I love her and want to work on our marriage she doesn't want to hear it because she feels it's all lies.

[gadget]

I hear you SH4,

For now.  Maybe you can just reply to the texts she sends?  Only discuss what she is talking about?  With my wife, I usually wait until she texts.  It is always about her visits.  I don't mention anything about us because I get no response then.  For now, as this is in the early stages, just talk about the dogs and kids.  I'm still only in that phase with my wife.  But we do talk about how our work day went.  She wouldn't even do that in the beginning.

I'm praying/sending good vibes to you nightly.

Gadget

[Stillhopeful4]

I still wear mine regardless as a sign of what I stand for.

As do I. 

Neither you nor she are to blame for this whole mess... you both are.

Yes, I agree.  And she will say that to other people, however to me she will say yes we are both to blame but you are to blame for the majority of it.  Ughhhh

She puts on a VERY different front to people outside of our household