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Author Topic: Fed up with judgments. No it is not all about discipline  (Read 304 times)
FaithHopeLove
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« on: September 03, 2019, 01:13:53 PM »

Ready for a rant? Today I saw a good friend who knows our situation with our BPD son and his major legal problems posted on social media something to the effect that if parents just disciplined their kids more they would not end up in jail. Excuse me? At what point do people get it that neither mental illness or addiction are always due to bad parenting?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
wendydarling
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« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2019, 03:31:28 PM »

Exhale Faith, exhale and breath in and out.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)  One day when you are ready you can share face to face, with kindness, reality. Meanwhile, keep venting! We are listening..

WDx  With affection (click to insert in post)
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wendydarling
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« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2019, 05:15:15 PM »

Faith, my BF is CEO of a charity providing opportunities to play and participate for disabled children and young people. Lot's of safeguarding, it's very challenging.... Her whole career has been working with, supporting young with learning difficulties.

She does not understand the challenges of BPD-comorbid from a parents point of view, I think it is too painful for her, she loves my DD dearly (at her birth), me too. I also believe she'd like to tell me how it is, that I am flakey, till she remembers I'm not and she recognises she's on catch up. I'm waiting for her.

Your good friend on social media, do you want to say (not on SM), that is not helpful?

WDx
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2019, 09:14:54 PM »

Part of the problem is my friend does not pick up on social cues in person and even less so on social media. I have often suspected he is on the autism spectrum. His wife thinks so too. So maybe I should have more patience. He is a retired school security guard with no kids of his own whose own childhood was horrible. He likes to go on and on about how many times he had to go to court because one of the students got arrested and how it could all have been avoided if the parents just listened to him. He went so far as to practically mock the mothers who cried out in court seeing their children being sentenced. I had to remind him that I am one of those mothers. My son is on probation awaiting sentencing for a felony for which he could do 10 years in prison. My heart breaks over it. I have already searched my soul wondering how it all went wrong. The judgment and blame of others does not help nor does the idea that all my son needed was more discipline. It's just not that easy. I thank God I have this place to come to where people get it. So many others who have not walked in our shoes, even good friends, do not.
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Lulu808

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« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2019, 01:09:33 PM »

Dear Faith

That is a good question. All I can say is that comments such as these are made by people who don’t know any better. I try to give them grace in case I ever made similar ignorant comments. Now that I have an inkling about what my daughter is dealing with and going through I can look back and see things with much greater clarity. It is hard to deal with other people’s judgment and unsolicited advice which is why it is so comforting to have this site for support.
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Leelee124

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« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2019, 10:32:51 AM »

Oh Faith, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s terrifying to face these types of ramifications of our kid’s behavior.
I have come across many people who blame me for not being tougher on my kids. I was a single parent, trying my best to do the right things for my kids. Could I have been stronger? Tougher? Of course.  Unfortunately some of us are more nurturing and struggle with being strict.  Also with a child with issues, it’s just not that simple!  I’ve been judged by friends and family. At times it makes me want to isolate myself from anyone who can’t understand that when you have a child with a mental illness, the game is totally different!  None of those people who judged me had to deal with the craziness I had to deal with.
So pay no mind to your friend. Once he has walked in your shoes, I’m sure his/her opinion would change.
Stay strong. I’m sure this is all so heartbreaking for you.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2019, 10:36:30 AM »

Thanks for your support Leelee
My friend and I had a good talk ans ironed things out
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« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2019, 05:29:32 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post) Faith.

Excerpt
He is a retired school security guard with no kids of his own 

I do find it ridiculous when those without children comment on parenting. It is a tough job for sure, with many ups and downs.

Know your own worth and that your doing the best you can, try not to let these comments get you down.

LT.
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It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2019, 12:45:03 AM »

No worries LT. Like I said we are friends. We had a good talk and worked it out. People who have not walked in our shoes often don't get it. When they are people we care about sometimes we need to sit down with them and help them get it. This was one of those times
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MomSA
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« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2019, 07:52:47 AM »

I used to be an idealist believing that if I disciplined, coached, trained,  loved my children that I would end up with 4 "perfect" adults. I was so self righteous that I honestly thought I held the key to their choices and lives.

I now see that with the BPD, ASD and addiction issues we have in our family, I still needed to do those things, but ultimately how my children live their lives is their choice regardless of what I have done.

Faith, I am off social media now...it is too painful for me to
a) see other "happy families"
b) see posts by those as self righteous as I once was.

I am sorry for your pain and frustration. I do understand.
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Leelee124

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« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2019, 08:21:29 AM »

Mom SA I feel the same in regard to social media. When I look at all of these people that seemed to raise perfect adults, it makes me wonder where I went wrong.
I blame myself for my divorce since I made the decision to leave. My ex wasn’t a bad guy but he had absolutely no interest in me.  I lived 14 years without a hug, kiss, any affection. I was drowning so I made the decision to leave. I regret it every day. My selfish decision affected my kids and I feel this is a direct result.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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